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My daughter has not talked to me in over 20 months Hot Conversation

I am learning to let go of controlling others lives, especially my daughter, who is 32 years old. We became estranged shortly after my mother died. She helped to raise my daughter since I was a single parent.

I have tried to get her to talk with me but to no avail. We do not live near one another so it is even harder to stay in contact. I work daily at letting this go and letting her just come to me but at times I feel there could be something I could be doing to mend the anger she has towards me.

Any suggestions on this?

Posted in family & relationships.

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10 Responses

  1. Seawriter Seawriter says

    Dear wolfsden,

    I can hear the pain in your writing. The only consolation I can offer is that this distance between you and your daughter could be related to the fact that you are both experiencing grief at the loss of your mother. We all grieve differently. You say your mother helped raise your daughter. To your daughter, then, it isn’t just the loss of her grandmother, but also the loss of part of her experience of being mothered. The reality of loss can be shocking. It makes us think of our own mortality and the mortality of everyone we love. Perhaps this is an overwhelming experience for your daughter at this time.

    Have you considered sending occasional hand-written notes to express your feelings and to keep her informed about what is going on in your life? Perhaps if you do this with no expectation of response from her, you will feel you are doing your part to keep the door open. We cannot let our expectations of our children blind us to who are children are and what they want and need, no matter how old they get. I know how difficult it is to let go: I have daughters of my own. But let yourself grieve the loss of your mother, reach out to your daughter in a way that allows her to respond in her own way, and know that time is your ally.

    Blessings to you as you go through this painful interlude in your life. It will pass, as all things do.

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  2. Generic Image Charzy says

    I understand your pain also.  I just recently got divorced and my ex is making up time not spent with her during the marriage and muy daughter now thinks I am crazy and will not have anything to do with me.  She has set conditions under which I am to contact her.  My friends tell me that in time she will come back, but I am not so sure.  Her Dad is a very convincing guy, so I am preparing myself for the inevitable.  I believe that by the time she figures things out it will be too late.  I am 60 years old and she was born when I was 40.  He did not want to have children, she was a surprise.  He wanted me to have an abortion. 

    I am going to keep the memories I had with her when she was younger, because we did a lot of things together and were very close until she turned 16.  So I will cherish those 16 years of her life.  It is still not the same as having a relationship with her now, but it is the least I can do. It does make for a lonely life.  I was alone and lonely in the marriage, but somehow, without my daughter there seems to be no reason to get out of bed, but we have to.

    My daughter has anger towards me and I have no idea why and she won’t discuss it with me and until such time there is nothing I can do but live with the hurt.  You cannot mend the hurt if you do not know what it is.  It is her hurt and until she is ready to let it go you must go on without her.

     

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  3. Generic Image dowsa says

    Send her a nice card letting her know that she is special.

    1 like

  4. Lynnette Lynnette says

    she will come around.  I was angry at my brother for 10 years and for very good reason.  He was a user.  He got cancer and was sick for about 8 years.  My niece realized he was going to die w/in 6 months so she made sure we reunited before he left this world.  I am so happy that we mended our differences and feel that it was a waste of time being totally detached for such a long period of time.  I moved away so that is why it was easy for me to let go.  If i had stayed in my hometown that would of been impossible, in a small town is very hard to avoid people.  So she will come around.  I suggest you let her be and when she is ready, it will happen.  But like another person said, send a card during special ocassions.  That will let her know you are waiting.  Trust the reunion is soon, let us know.

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  5. Dallas Lady Dallas Lady says

    As someone who was estranged from their mother from the age of 22 (my age, my mom was in her early 40s then) thru her death at almost 60, I can tell you this for certain:

     

    You are the mother.  Always.  SHow it.  If you want a relationship, then you must continuously reach out, keep the avenue open, and be consistent in the message.  Always always always. 

    What your daughter in her youthfulness and Immaturity chooses, you are always the Mom.  Always the adult.  And always the one meant to be the rock of gibralter.

     

    Never ever never ever forget this.  And act accordingly.

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  6. panheadannie panheadannie says

    You didn’t say why your daughter is angry at you

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    • Generic Image Rita@Goldivas says

      There may not be a real reason, or maybe the daughter won’t say. It could be more that the daughter has some identity issues to work through. I think all this mother can do is keep the door open, as others here have said.

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  7. Susie Q Susie Q says

    I have a similar situation, involving my mother, sister, and brother who live 400 miles away from me.  I lost my wonderful husband after his painful, four year battle with cancer.  I was his only caregiver and very happy to be.  These relatives never visited us during that time due to the fact they had their own stressses in life and couldn’t handle seeing him ill.  Four days before his death they came, and blamed me for the condition he was in and the fact he was on Hospice care.  They left to return home within 15 minutes after we got back to my house after his funeral, stating it was my sister’s birthday, they wanted to get her away from the grief atmosphere and celebrate her birthday.  14 months later I remarried, and these three relatives have disowned me and refuse to communicate with me in any way, not by phone, e-mail or letters.  My Dad died in February of this year.  I did go up for his Funeral but my sister and brother would not speak to me.  I had a long, heartfelt talk with my Mother and they all met my new husband.  I thought my Mom at least understood and was resolved, but now another relative has told me they have made up lies and gossip about me and my new husband…horrible, hurtful lies such as I was “carrying on” with him while my first husband was alive, he was after me for my money, I was after him for HIS money, and unbelievably, he is gay.  None of it makes any sense.  I know now, they were angry at me right after my first husband’s death, but they never addressed it and now they are punishing me for falling in love again and going forward with my life.

    Your daughter must be holding anger against you as she feels you somewhat abandoned her to your Mother to raise.  Her loyalties to her Grandma and grief for her is making her look at you like somehow it was your fault… she blames you for something.  I don’t know why grief affects people so differently but it does.  God bless you and good luck.  Let me know how it goes.

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  8. JAZZY JAZZY says

    As a mother, my heart goes out 2 you and your daughter. Do feel you were controlling as far as your daughter is concerned? I feel the best way to solve the issues between you and your daughter is for you 2 make the first step. Make the time 2 fly, drive, catch a train (whichever is best 4 you and your budget) 2 where your daughter is, take her out 2 lunch or dinner and lay your cards on the table. Let her know how much you love and need her in your life. Tell her how much you miss her presence in your life and apologize if you’ve  ever been controlling in her life. Tell her you’d like 2 know just what you did 2 offend or hurt her. Tell her you are willing 2 meet her half way 2 make things right between the 2 of you. You can’t apologize 4 something if she is not willing 2 share with you what it is that you did wrong.Your daughter is 32 yrs. old and a mature adult. You have 2 trust that you raised her right , giving it your best. At this time in your daughter’s life, be her friend and allow her to solicite your advice. Allow her 2 make her own choices in her life and be there 4 her, whether you agree with her choices or not. Did your parents always agree with every choice that you made? If not, how did that make you feel? Love her 4 who she is, not 4 who you want her 2 be. After you have made this concentrated effort 2 find out what the problem is between you and your daughter, and she still doesn’t respond favorably, then give her some room 2 think about the situation. Pray that GOD will touch her heart and reason with her. Give the situation to GOD after your visit and be patient in the LORD. He (GOD) will always be there for you and your daughter. 

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  9. Generic Image Sunshine Girl says

    <!–StartFragment–>

    We have one daughter, now a young wife and mother.  She and I have many health issues, and they are chronic.  We are often in pain, and we are very close.  What I have noticed is that when she is in pain, she lashes out… or, when she needs her space, she is short with me… or when she wants to simply live her own life, she just is rude, sometimes.  This may sound far out, but when these things happen, and they hurt, I turn to God… and I tell HIM what I wish I could say to her….. I tell Him everything, and then I wait for HIM to talk to her, since she will not let me in for those moments, or days, or whatever.  He DOES get thru to her heart, in ways that I cannot, and I just back off from doing anything.  She knows I am there, that I love her, and I am always a phone call away.  We live only 10 min apart, which is great, and I have helped her out so much, but she needs her space to be the wife and mother SHE wants to be, to make decisions on her own, to fall on her nose if she must, and she knows I will always be there.  So, the praying helps me to calm down and realize that I do not NEED to be in control, and to know that God WILL take care of my sweetie and her family.  I need to hold them up in prayer and take care of me.  She will call and we will get together, but things are changing now, like they did for me and my mother at that age.  Give your daughter time to grieve… this loss is very big.  My daughter and my mother, her Nana, were very close… she was only a teen when Nana died and it hit her hard for years.  I like the others ideas of sending an occassional notecard just to let her know that you love her and are thinking of her… but nothing pushy.  Write more when you can.  This is a common theme among us all, it seems.  Love and Hugs ~

    <!–EndFragment–>

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