How do we bear watching our Mother’s fade, fail and suffer the indignities of advanced aging without our hearts breaking?
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| Mothers |
October 23, 2009
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Sounds very interesting.
How badly i wish I could have had that experience with my mother. As she was 59 1/2 when she was diagnosed with stage 4 lung ca. The week before she went golfing…. But within 4 months I saw her become frail, so thin, quiet, no longer talked about just stuff, no longer cooked her delicious meals. Twice a week I drove from Milwaukee to Chicago to be with my Dad and her. I would call my kids in the morning after their dad left for work to make sure they were getting on the bus. She was hardly recognizable when she was dying at the end, but she asked me if I would stay with her, and I told her of course I will. I knew what she meant. She died 4 days after my 40th birthday. She wanted me to have her diamond necklace she always wore. The night she died, she looked nothing like the mother who was so good to my children, would fold my clothes in the laundry room when she would come visit me, and slip me money at the grocery store when we’d go together. But I am an RN and asked her MD if she died at home, would he allow me to call him upon her death, and sign her death certificate. I did many death calls, when I would do “on call” at night as a home care nurse. I have great respect for that time in someone’s life. There is nothing scary about it, they just STOP…. and I was able to provide that peacefulness for my mother, to the end. And what better, safe secure place can you be, but in your own home, in your own bed with your husband and daughter nearby?We watched her leave, go out that door for the last time, to the funeral home, and Iw atched how hard that was for my father. But later it had become a special time for me.. as my mother was with me at the beginning of my life when I was helpless, and I was able to do the same for her when it was time for her to leave her life. I then picked up that necklace, put it on, and I wear it always, for 16 years now. One day my daughter will put that necklace on too. I couldn’t bear what I saw, and wish so much my mother had been able to reach much older years in her life. She would have become like that for me sometime in my life, just as I will for my daughter. I’m glad I was able to see those days as special. She wanted me and needed me. I couldn’t have asked for anything more. Yes it was frightening, but facing it gave me so much more, as I know it gave her peace.
Hi, Lyndajo, I just saw your response to our VN friend who has so recently lost her Mother, which was beautifully written. That led me to your sad post here from last October. I am so sorry about your Mom. I wish I would have seen your original post earlier, although there’s no good answer to your question here, is there? When you love your Mom as I can tell you did, there is no way to watch her “fade, fail and suffer” without having your heart broken. My Mom died two years ago, and my heart is still mending. I thought I would be relieved when her suffering was finally over, but instead it felt like such a shock when she was gone. Then, the terrible reality of living the rest of my life without her set in. I volunteer for hospice now, and try to live my life in a way my Mom and Dad would have been proud of, but I still think of them and miss them every day, and most esp. my beloved Mom, who was my best friend and cheerleader extraordinaire. It takes time for us to integrate such a significant loss, and you just have not had nearly enough of it yet with your Mom only gone a few months. I often wonder just exactly how long it does take to start feeling “normal” again, but I guess we all have to adjust to whatever the “new normal” is/will be. Deepest sympathy to you on your sad loss, and I hope time will bring you peace and comfort. Your Mom would be proud of you reaching out to other bereaved daughters and offering support and assistance; take good care of yourself.