I was married very early (16) had three children. Now I am 62 but feeling the zest of life as a 40 year old. Anyway, I have always felt close to my adult 2 daughters and my son. Just this week end, Memorial Day , my son called me and informed me that he was joining his sisters at one of their homes for a cook-out, party get together. I felt it was a hint from him as we all three have always come together and had a fantastic conversations about everything from relationships, family, sex, etc. You can imagine my shock when I mentioned to my daughter ( it’s at her home 4 hours away) that I would love to join them now that I am alone and have an opportunity to go and come more easily. Her resonse on FB—-Mother, you were not invited. Do not invite yourself. I will invite you to my home when it’s ok with me……….I felt like I had been shot in my heart. Have no idea where that came from,I understand that I may not be wanted there for reasons but she could have presented it gently but then this daughter has always acted “high hatted” in that she has worked harder than anyone in the family,–she has more education than any of us—she knows best about everything—she is just plain better than us all . I have raised a “monster” yet we taught them better. No respect here at all for a mother. I was crushed and still hurting and have not spoken to my daughters about it yet. PS : they both are college educated in psychology and psychoanylize me constantly- —telling me how to act, speak, behave.
| Mother/daughter problems | Hot Conversation |
June 08, 2010
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Sounds very interesting.
That proves my point once again on VN (posting Motherless this Mother’s Day and Happy About It) that some people may be well-educated but not intelligent or mature. Their callousness is evident in their writing.
I do not know where this is coming from, being we are only hearing one side of the story. Because we are mostly mothers here, we tend to side with the mother. Since her adult child was raised by her there may be more going on then we know. Remember we are taught to love mommy no matter what she as done to us, or what others have done to her knowledge. The callousness might have started in the training, raising and protection of said child. And your point is not proved. Thank GOD none of these things happen to you in your home….TRACK…
P.S. Daughter could have been more tackful, but she as a right to invite who she wills…and mother would still be insulted…
P.S.S. Motherless this Mother’s Day and Happy About It-is still an intelligent female…the abuse happen to her, not you!!
Track – I must disagree. Here you have a psychology major and not being tactful and without any respect. According to her mother, the daughter knows it all, she is educated, corrects her grammar, etc. etc. Where is the respect?
Since we didn’t hear her daughter, we don’t know what tone it was in! Even here on VN something can be written and taken out of content or context! We don’t see the person or hear the tone, body langage, we just assume, am I right? Correcting grammer can be annoying..TRACK
P.S. you don’t need college not to be tactful..
Exactly my point - (you don’t need college not to be tactful). Let’s face the mother is alone and felt left-out. Enjoy your day.
And you may be right, yet she did not want her there!! Let’s not make her feel guilty for her choice! She is quilty for being rude. There is more to this, and we mothers need to have our own lives…every-time our children are doing, entertaining, etc. does not mean we are in the middle of the activies.
Sorry if she is alone, make friends and live…TRACK..and a good day I’m having, thank you…
P.S. I didn’t like the fact she choose putting it on FB…plus this is not new behavior
LONESOMES’ P.S.” they both are college educated in psychology and psychoanylize me constantly- —telling me how to act, speak, behave.” SO MORE THAN ONE! Interesting…..
I would tell them both “where to go”.
There is more to this, and we mothers need to have our own lives…every-time our children are doing, entertaining, etc. does not mean we are in the middle of the activies.
Sorry if she is alone, make friends and live…TRACK..
Track, I appreciate your input and in some ways I see your point in that you do not know the entire story. I see you have a daughter and I congratulate you.I have 3 daughters and 2 sons all over 40 yrs.—True, there certainly a lot of PAST in my situation and will not bore you with it. I have not spoken to my daughters yet since the incident- not to be stubborn-but to think how to express myself. I have not seen this daughter for 1 1/2 years in another state. Of the 5, she has always felt unloved partially due to circumstances in my first marriage which left her and her sister in devistation and the reason why he is an X. I have a very busy professional life and many friends. It was not the Lack of invitation that hurt—–but the complete lack of tact and respect that she has NEVER had in all her growing up years. Her response about her tack has always been ” I think of me and others come always last.
and to gramma— your assumption of an invitation because your son openly told you all about the occasion and didn’t give you any for-warning of any trouble in you going. So so true. My son never knows anything of what the girls have conjured up. He apologizes for them.
And Track, just to let you know that I did not write here to “try and prove my point”,–instead I am fairly new to this site and felt that it was also here to vent and hope for ideas of how to handle a situation. I thank all of you who did indeed give suggestions of how to handle it.I am alone, as my hubby is in a nursing home after 18 years of illness and I the caregiver. I like being alone actually. Again, TACT is not either of my daughters personality, I must have missed teaching that. Otherwise, they are all 5 on their own, have always taken care of themselves and never expect hand outs from me or anyone. Forgive me if I stepped on toes here. Just wanted some advice.
lonesome, thank you for your reply and I agree, she could have been much more tactful. Isabel wrote very well on the subject as did Fayette…TRACK
LONESOME “DID NOT PROVE YOUR POINT” was for Elisa C. sorry not for you…TRACK
“they both are college educated in psychology and psychoanylize me constantly- —telling me how to act, speak, behave.”
Those who can do…those who can’t teach!
I’m very sorry for your pain. It is very hard to experience. However, please be the bigger person and let it go. You lead by example. It was wrong of you to assume an invitation just because the rest of the family was getting together, but it was wrong of her to react so strongly on such a public site. Her reaction was seen for what it was, don’t make it worse by creating a public website war.
As far as them telling you how to act, speak, behave….you teach people how to treat you. If you do not like their correcting you, stop them and let them know it is not okay.
All of the above is said with much love. I hope it is received as such.
Hugs…
Wow, it sounds very hurtful. As a mother and as a daughter who was estranged from her mother most of her life I wonder what it is that your daughter is thinking? It’s amazing when you talk with siblings about the home you grew up in…what different perspectives we come away with. And the perspective between you and a mother…totally different planes. I hope you can talk with her and find out what’s underneath this hostility.
Maybe it was as simple as your assumption of an invitation because your son openly told you all about the occasion and didn’t give you any for-warning of any trouble in you going. It was a very natural assumption on your part, because of your past conversations with them. I have learned to never assume or expect that I am part of anything unless I am personally approached with an invitation. Adult children like to establish boundries with parents sometimes that may seem totally unnecessary to us. Sometimes they just want to be surrounded by their peers. Your daughter should not have responded to you openly on FB, however. And, since you did already assume that you were invited, should have acted with respect toward you. At least, she should have personally called you and explained herself. But, now that it has happened, I believe, the best thing you could do is to rise above it. Protect yourself by being the gracious person you are, and teach her a little about respect for anothers feelings by showing your understanding about the “misunderstanding”. Anyway, that is what I would do. I have found that doing so brings my relationship with my children closer instead of building walls….Our children, as well as ourselves, are not perfect, and, I have found that I can protect myself from being hurt by not thinking that I am always to be a part of their plans. =]
I am from Canada and we had our Memorial Day last weekend. My son and daughter live within a walking distance and I babysit their kids,cook for them e.t.c. So,last Sunday I passed by my daughter and she invited me to lunch along with her m in law. She mentioned she was getting together with her brother that evening and the kids were going to do fireworks. I didn’t show up because I wasn’t invited and my daughter kept calling me to come over,but I was outside with the neighbours. The point is: the young people want to get together sometimes without us and I am very consious of it. May be too much so! Having said that ,your daughter was extremely rude to you, and you should let her know. Don’t fight!Just state ,that you are not mad about not being invited,but you will not put up with her BAD ATTITUDE. I am not afraid to tell my kids when they are inconsiderate. I am sure it wasn’t easy raising these kids at such a young age. I feel for you! Stand up for your self and don’t be sad!
Hi lonesome_48,
The fact that you weren’t invited seems to be O.K. to you, our children often want to share among themselves, but she did sound rude to you, which is not right. Let her know that you are well aware that you don’t expect to always be included but had mistakingly thought you had. Be calm as a mature mother can. Think things through and practise what you will say to her. I know that I often come out as saying things to my children that I don’t want it to sound like at all. Then I have to explain that was not the intent of my words.
This being said, I envy you and anyone else on this site whose children talk to them in an irrespectable way. Now why should I envy you or any other mother who is in your situation. Well, my situation is that my eldest daughter has not spoken to me for 6 years now. She has cut all contact with her 4 siblings also. My ex says he has no contact with her but I am not sure if he does or not. I tend not to believe everything he says anymore. I don’t even know if she is still alive or not. My feeling is she never felt she was loved although I do love her dearly and my heart breaks everytime I think of her.
From my point of view, you are one of the lucky ones.
anir
anir, thanks for your input and confidence in me as a mother. I will indeed take your most welcome advice
I feel your pain anir…
I can relate to this very well. First of all, I am so sorry for your pain. I know it hurts, I have been crying for days now and would like to kick myself for it. But children at any age can hurt us.
My daughter just went through a surprise, very diffcult divorce. Details do not matter right now, this is about how your feeling. I was there, I went through the emotional rollcoaster it took with her. I shared her pain. Now several months later things are better but I know she is still in pain and hurt, she has turned to her friends. She has always done this, I am “just the mom”. She only calls when she needs something. I was suppose to go to her house to help pack, she is moving again, to shop and just have fun this pass week end. She blew me off, she has a friends daughter there staying with her, going to school. So I understand space might be a problem, but she got that apartment so “I” could have a place to stay when I come up every month. Well, I have not gotten to go up at all, so I am feeling a little hurt also. She and her roomie, went and did all the things we usually do. I guess I am hurt because I feel like I have been replace. I had to call her this week end, she didn’t call me. I guess I am feeling invisible. But I realize too that she is 36, me going on 63 and I need to change my life. My life is not all about her and need to let go. I need to find my own way, own life and stop trying to live in the past or be part of her life and her friends. It hurts – to feel that you do not have that purpose anymore. I went off Facebook last night, I seem to find out what is going on in her life through there and her talking to her friends. I always try to be supportive to her and her friends that most call me mom. But after reading the responses here about Facebook and children, I did the right thing. It is time to move on as they say, find other interest and start ”our life”. So it doesn’t matter about your daughters side of the story, you are hurt, but maybe this is a good time to take charge of your own life and start thinking about YOU. Maybe it is time of US to “move on” without our children.
Wow, I know where you’re coming from, Eve. I honestly think facebook can be trouble when you see posts by your children with news that you haven’t heard yet. However, with my last episode, my daughter unfriended me. Even though it’s for the best, I cried for two days over that. When I think about it now I want to kick myself in the butt and say “Stop being so needy!”
I need to paste your last line somewhere and read it everyday. Thanks for the post.
vk
Many of us on here have had similar experiences. Read my threads in particular “Oops, I did it again.” 5 months now NO COMMUNICATION from my daughter. This is the third time she has done this to me. I keep asking myself why I allow it?
I had to remove her name from FB and all friends associated with her. The pain of her comments and seeing what she was doing was too much to bear. All knowing, I knew nothing about what what happening in her life. She removed all my pics on FB and only had pics of her and her daddy. I even removed her number from my cell.
Trying to stay present in the moment, and not look back helps a little.
Sleepless nights, stomach aches… been there done that…Still there.
I keep wondering why I keep allowing her to affect my time, days, hours????
Then I ask, who are you; and what did you do with my daughter?
I feel your pain, Lonesome, (see my post – Daddy’s Girl, Needy Mom.) However, it sounds like you’ve had a better relationship with your daughter than I have over the years.
I get lomesome for my kids too, and sometimes I wish I lived closer (we’re in different states), so I could spend holidays with them, but I realize that most of the time, my relationship with my daughter plays out much better in my head than in person anyway.
I’ve also come to realize a lot is lost in the translation in email, texting, and facebooking. Call me old-fashioned but I still think the human voice is the best way to communicate.
Kids can be thoughtless sometimes so don’t give up your zest for life – it’s not worth it.
Wow. Some of the stories here are heartbreaking. Recently some girlfriends and I got together. After we warmed up the conversation it wound back to our children. Seems like the four of us had similar unfortunate events with our grown children and we were all heart broken mothers.
While there may be more to the stories than what is told, there is still reason to draw a line in the sand. When we feel that anyone we love dearly is rude or abusive, then after we pick up our broken heart, etch a line in the sand and state, this is where the abusive/hurtful/rude language ends. Mothers have rights too.
The four of us who experienced unfortunate events with our children are comfortable in saying that we did the best we could do as mothers with what we had to offer. May not have been perfect, but we did it and our children have grown to be successful and independent adults. But, that does not give anyone the right to speak harshly, especially to someone that loves them without hesitation. This works on both sides.
Good luck in resolving this challenge. Hopefully you will both find a moment where you can talk it out.
I think that the relations between mothers and daughters have to be based on an incredible amount of mutual respect. If you were having a cook out with your friends, all around your age, including one that is a potential boyfriend, say for example, would you like your kids to call to inform you that they are showing up without being invited? I do not think so. The same amount of independence and control of your life that you need is needed by your daughter and when you call to say you are going , you are ignoring her authorship of her life in a way. She could have been more discrete and more loving in her response but her response is one from a person that selfauthors her life and that is what we want from our kids.
In Colombia where I live your daughter´s response would have her qualified as unnatural, ungrateful, egotistic, selfish, etc, etc. Parents in this country have NO RESPECT at all for their son´s and daughter´s authonomy. The feel they own their childrens´s life until they die. That is bad, as this lack of partental authonomy impacts the ability of people to be adults in their work and social life. Also in the political life. We can see it so clearly.
Thanks. and go back to your zesty life with no bad feelings!!!!
Isabel
Dear Lonesome,
I can so relate to this!
There are always two sides to the story, however being disrespectful shouldn’t be in the equation for either side.
I was sat-on hard by my parents, I hoped to get their love by being attentive and a “good girl”. I know I’ve given my daughter too much “unconditional love”. She acts out with me because she knows I’ll still love and always be there for her no matter what.
I’m rethinking this dynamic. For the most part in our society we’re no longer oppressed by men, we’re oppressed by our children – or at least I’ve allowed myself to be oppressed by my daughter for fear of losing her love. Why should we as mothers in this country have so much GUILT around possibly not being “perfect” mothers???? I feel I did a good job as a mother. Sometimes I wonder if they can sense our guilt at not being “perfect.” Our society’s psychology around childhood/parenthood puts ALL the responsibility on the parents, and in most cases that’s not right. A friend said to me when I told her of my daughter’s two fellowship offers; “WAY TO GO, MOM!” I explained that I can’t take credit for those offers, SHE earned those offers. Yet, why are kids so inclined to look to blame rather than examine their own behavior/responses to things?
I’m the type that wants to talk/feel it all through. In this way my daughter and I are opposites around being forthcoming with our feelings, aims, needs, hurts, etc. She has hurt me more than I can say but it helps when I remind myself that we’re SO different. She proclaims me “emotional” while she considers herself “extremely sensitive”. Is this youthful self-centeredness and/or ignorance? Partly. My aim is to move on until she can wrap around my feelings after being so combative with me.
She’ll be fine without me, I don’t need the angst – I’m dealing with enough right now.
I hope this helps.
ps…. I got a degree in PSYCHOLOGY, which taught me that I don’t know much.
My heart felt empathy for you and your daughter…I had a great mother loving , giving and strong…I knewher one of her deepest weakness, for she shared it with me when I was fifteen…that explained some things I was a little confused about , but never her love and her loyality to us children, The one thing I have found out as a mother of three, you can never PLEASE all your children even if you took a measuring cup and gave them each the same love , chastiment, compliments etc….because they are different and will recieve the same kiss and hug differently. So let us as mothers realize we cannot PLEASE our children when they are “wired” differently and each one is “given” to us for a reason…they really are not ours to keep and sometimes we have to “Let Go and Let GOD”
Now to satisfy TRACK my friend ,I do understand where she is coming from…but once we become adults we still have obligations to be respectful to our mothers and we as mothers to our children …There are some evil mothers out there, but I believe by far more loving mothers than evil..Last week on 20/20 a mother killed 2 husbands with freeon,and attempted to kill her daughter and leave a suicide note “confessing to have killed her father and step father” . Her youngest daughter found her “the daughter …nearly dead with sleeping pills that the mother had smashed and put in an alcohol drink, that she given her to drink!!!!! So trust me …I understand there are horrible mothers….But too many mothers are being disrespected and we have to learn to let go.
All my children live within walking distance of me and they have “functions” and I would never go without being invited, matter of fact I don’t visit them but very rarely , my mother taught me that familiarity breeds contempt My daughter-in-law has her privacy so do my daughters….my house is the one that is open to the family and that is fine …I “joked ” once that if we didn’t want to be disturbed we would put out a flag with a coffee cup, saying Do NOt Disturb (smile) . I have been hurt at one time or another by all three and they have been hurt by me…but you know what ?Some times it is the way things are taken out of context .
I was once on a PBS Mom Documentary and the one comment that I am remembered by the most is the one where I say I could tell each one of my kidsin a playful way ”Get out of here with your big head”
One would leave laughing
One would leave to go and use it on someone else.
One would leave and would believe “oh ..’I've big head” and it would be a problem…
Our Children are not born with instructions on how to treat each kid accordingly ..so we all make some mistakes
I am going to Post one day my feeling on THE NEW GRANDPARENT and What are they Good for?
I would like to say time is short and mistake are always behind us and around the corner waiting to haeppen but LOVE can conquer all and as it is said LOVe hid All faults”…but does not mean that it is Ok or one has to keep accepting rudness , disrespect and pain from love ones…I hope I have not been to long but I feel your pain and I believe and am told I am a good mother but …..3 children and 3 perspectives go figure… I know I am a good person and I will not allow myself to be miserable over ingratitude…I wis h my mother was alive to”crash my party” (LOL) and she would not have to becaue my house was always open to her, and she respected my privacy as I respect my childen.
PS FACEBOOK IS NOT THE PLACE TO AIR FAMILY ISSUES…. THAT SHOULD BE UNDERSTOOD WITH OR WITHOUT COLLEGE EDUCATION!!!
Morning FAY…I AGREE, To leave a person thinking and trying to understand is all I ask, and want to do! Too many close their minds to hurt or harm done to children because we are the grown-ups, parents, adults. I didn’t have a problem with correcting rudeness. But most times if parents don’t get their way, we feel rejected anyway, no matter how something is said.
You know my stand when it comes to children, even here on VN many can’t open up for fear of the community looking down on them because of harm done them in childhood. We think because they’re young they will forget, no! But where do you put these memories? Why can’t they air them out here? I am a parent and I have be molested and I did whatever it took to protect my daughter. No male was so close to me that he could harm, hurt or molest my child. Starting with husband…On Oprah, she had a mother whose son was molested and raped by boyfriend . She would sleep across his doorway, so the man would not get to her son. When he was 21 I believe, she married said boyfriend ! Some women know and want the man so bad or blames the child boy or girl. I STILL WANTED TO KNOW WHY YOU WANT A MALE/FEMALE THAT HAS RAPED OR MOLESTED YOUR CHILD!!??!!…TRACK
P.S. There may be more loving then evil, however we can’t let any get away because we want to defence the good ones…
P.S.S. lonesome understood where I was coming from in her reply…
I want to thank each and everyone of you for your response of this subject. It has all been very helpful- tough and soft advice. To update: my daughter who lives within 20 minutes of me called twice. I did not answer except the last time to say ” I need time to respond” to which she commented that she would respect that and hoped it would not take months to respond to her as she is hurting inside. ( I can relate to that hurt, certainly) We have talked now, I called her. It was very cordial and I feel I understand. I now need to find time to really allow her to “vent” her feelings about me in our past. She is reliving past by seeing (not) a counselor but a life coach kind of person in a group setting. I completely understand why she does not want me to their functions but again, I told her it was NOT the party. Lack of respect and harshness. She said there are many things she needs to talk tome about that affects her life today but does not know when or how. You know girls here on Vibrant Nation, I comprehend her reasoning but forgive me for being from the Old school of —yes , we all have skeletons in our closets and pain from things that have happened to us. which in turn we hand down to the next generations. But I am inclined to say to the comment that 7 monkeys said above ,–is this generation self-centerdness ?
One more short story, the other daughter, the one with the FB comment states away. Upon her having her firstborn, she and I went to an outing in town. I got out my side of the car, she the passenger side.—I opened the back door, took my grand-baby out of the seat and placed her into the stroller, Typical for the occasion, or so I thought. My daughter by then, came around the back of the car, yanked the carriage out of my hands and exclaimed, ” mom, this is MY child, not yours , I will push the carriage./” She still has this ownership attitude but I’m bad mother when she took off with a man she met on line from India, left her 3 year old in hands of her X and didn’t think I took enough care as a grandmother for her child. Unconditional love, she throws at me constantly. I’M TIRED. !!!
lonesome, I’m glad the girls called again, maybe soon this can be ironed out. We have a few things from the old school, but that doesn’t make it right. Why don’t they see you are trying to deal with it and move on!
She took off with a man and left child with ex, was something wrong with that? Men leave children all the time with wife, and no one makes a big deal about that. Does she believe it’s your responibiltiy to care for her daughter when she not in the mood? Just asking…TRACK
Lonsome,
Your FB daughter was rude to talk to you like that. From what you wrote, it sounded like you were trying to help your daughter when you put her baby in the stroller.
You might consider ‘nailing’ her when she acts that way – meaning YOU should address the behavior immediately. You can come from the point of how her last comment made YOU feel. Or, when she says something rude you can ask; where are you comming from when you speak to me like that? That might get a conversation going. Or not. If you don’t address this stuff immediately the rumination can eat you up.
Our children have grown up more entitled than any other generation before them, certainly from a historical perspective.
Hope this is helpful.
Hi Lonesome, I have been away to my daughters house. She is moving again, but into her new home. situtations happen, but to be spoken to in harsh tones is very hurtful. My daughter has always had a tone in her voice growing up and still does. I think we had everything taken away from her and grounded mostf her teen age years. She can be a sweetheart, now get me wrong but sometimes our conversations donot go well. I was not asked to come help move her, she wanted to do it on her own. She works, she has a 19 years old roomie that goes to school and works but doesn’t help around the house plus my daughter has way too much. stuff I decided I would go upshe is on the lazy side to boot. I went up Friday, she was moving Saturday. About 1/3 was done, not much. So as soon as I got there I started packing the kitchen. I got it done but was wore out, not a young chic anymore if you know what I mean. Anyway, got the boxs, about 25 or them to the house. the next day I started unpacking get them out of the way and so she could at least fix something to eat etc.my goal was to just get the stuff out of the boxs and in a simi-orderly matter. I did – she came in and started opening cabinet doors. Well this won’t work, this has to be moved, oh no, this won’t work either etc. I said, I just put that stuff there so they could be out of the boxs and you could see what you had and where you wanted to put them. Will this ended up in a fight, here I was killing myself to help and she just kept going on. Well she marched off mad, so I just went up stairs and laid down for a while. Later she came in and said how much she appreciated me. The point being is that her tone of voice is very bad, I have told her this before and she does not believe me but she is the only child. she knows and I know she is spoiled and just went through a very very bad divorce and situation, but still yet there is no excuse to have an attitude like that. self certered, yes a lot of her friends and younger people today do. Funny I didn’t see her friends there helping. she said oh I wouldn’t want to ask my friends to go up three things of stairs to help me move or work. But it is ok for me, her mother? lol Anyway, I know myself I get my feelings hurt way too easy maybe, but you can only take so much sometimes. I am home now, came in this morning, going to take care of my place and worry about me now. Oh my gosh here I am again = what was the question? Excuse me please =
There is so much room for improvement in all our lives….but whatever side we have experienced shapes our opinion…over the years and since being on VN I have learned how horrible it must be to have been an abuse child …but we must all keep an open mind , when we are seeing one side of the story…so as I said there is no perfect solution…and people see the same picture at different angles…We want the truth to come out and justice done, be it mother or child. so I don’t want anyone to get away with anything…but from what lonesome is explaining respect seem to be a problem, now whether it is on the daughter or with both we do not know…but I am not judging anyone as to let to “let anyone get away” Lonesome was asking for advice not a judge or jury…so oncce again wrong is wrong mother or daughter.
AND ANY MAN OR WOMAN ABUSING MY CHILD WOULD HAVE NO PLACE IN MY LIFE MUCH LESS MY BED!!!!!!! AGREE WITH YOU ON THAT.
I think too that when we post something here, we are reaching out ourselves. For either, support, suggestions, idea’s, or just to think someone is listening. As you know there are so many of us that have storys and get side track, but sometimes it is hard to stay forcus. We are not here to judge or solve, we are here to listen and share our experiences. I have found that sometimes when you post things here, you kind of answer your own question, just reaching out sometimes to get a little support and read what others had done or doing helps alot sometimes.
lonesome since you are new here, go under any persons name and you can read all the posts, and bios they have put on VN…TRACK
I have just stumbled across this website, because I googled “why is my adult daughter disrespectful to me”. This took me to this page. I have read every post on this page with many tears. I have actually thought that I had done something horribly wrong while raising my 2 sons and 1 daughter to have them treat me the way they do. All of the posts here have enlightened me so much. Thank you to each and every person that resonded here.
Welcome ynotjackie,
A lot of us mothers have had, or still have, difficult situations with our children. I figure I did what I could with what I had as far as my children are concerned. I have always loved them unconditionally. The hard part is that they ‘get’ that I love them and am still doing the best I can in my situation and theirs. Not an easy thing to do.
Knowing I am not alone and the support from the women on this site has been a great help to me.
anir
I have noticed that a lot of the complaints here are from women with kids in their late teens or early twenties. Patience ladies!! My daughter drove me nuts when she was in her early twenties. I was cheap( for advising her to save her money), didn’t understand that she was young and she had to LIVE! God forbid she cleaned her room once in a while. Now that she is a mother of two,she remembers what she put me through and feels sorry. Now she is always saying she understands why I was always trying to protect her from bad friends, accidents,unwise choices in boyfriends.We are best friends now. So. there is hope! Keep on harping! Some of it sinks in eventually! I didn’t think anything I said was heard or paid attention to,but now she sounds just like me!! Hooray!!
This is so true – however. My daughter is 36, I am her best friend, well use to be. She just got a divorce, an ugly one at that. But yes, she would say I am so sorry for all the bad things and saddness I put you through. Really was sincere in understand now. However – now that she is divorced, very very selfish, won’t talk to me much, self certered, making unwise decisions and I feel I am just here. Not her best friend, only if she needs something and not sure how things will turn out. Lucky she does have a good job that she test with her being late, taking off etc. Men, she is just playing them, spend a lot of money, gave a lot of money to her friends. So, I guess I just miss the closeness we once had. I feel like I am alone now. So I had that understanding woman for a while, now not sure what the future brings for us.
She too would say, I sound like my mother. lol lol Now she doesn’t want to hear anything from me. Children – ???????
ynotjackie, thanks for your comment. I agree with Eve007. I just needed to voice it (rather , type it here) and since then have come to better understanding of myself. Know that you are not alone ynotjacki. As you can see here, we all have a bit of the same reactions from our adult children now and then. What has happened since I posted???? Well, both my girls and I have talked it over. I held my ground in that if they cannot speak to me calmly and let me know of their feelings of any subject. then don’t speak at all. When the one daughter said she KNEW it was harsh and would PROBABLY hurt me—she choose to “avoid conflict” to save herself and just say it. To which I replied, Yes you did and at MY expense” !!!!! She agreed. You are all right , we as parents are not always to be part of our children’s life. I know that. It was handled improperly I feel in this case. Also,—since our talk, my eldest daughter has called twice and asked if all is still ok since THE INCIDENT? I have backed up quite a bit and making more of my own life FOR ME now. She can’t seem to get that as she commented that I usually call and she does not have to call me. TA-DA Ta Da—I, the mom , have reached a plateau. I am woman. I have learned my lesson well. Love the girls to pieces, but I CAN go on with my life and it’s ok.
YAY!!!!
Watch this video posted today on the today show… Very telling about the children who hurt us…
http://community.todaymoms.com/_news/2010/07/06/4622866-what-happens-when-children-cut-off-their-parents
Thank you birdlover,
My daughter has not had contact with me for 6 years now. How I do wish I could talk to her but I don’t even know where she is, or even if she is alive. And whenever someone asks me about her or I see something like this, I do not feel shame as this woman does but hurt. I am even having a hard time writing this as I usually try not to think about her too much because it hurts too much.
The writer mentions to talk to her, but I can’t even do that.
I will be looking up his book and see if there is anything in it that will help me understand our situation better. At least maybe try to answer some of the questioning I have.
Thanks again.
anir
Oh, I know your pain Anir. I have good days and bad. I too try not to discuss or think about it. Keeping myself busy has been the key. I am in back in school and looking for additional part time work. On the video it also post some websites to go to. I plan on checking it out soon. Looks like a lot of good supportive information. The video confirmed to me that we are not alone.
I have made my efforts, and I have to believe this is about her, and her own personal growth. The last time I wrote to her I asked her “who are you really angry at?” Of course not response. Holidays, Mother’s Day and birthdays are difficult…But, this too shall pass.
I found a saying the other day that spoke volumes to me “HURT PEOPLE, HURT PEOPLE.” Your daughter and mine have to live with themselves and the anger and bitterness they harbor. I wonder how you can raise a child and then they completely shut you out.
The pain of this has greatly affected my health, and my daily living. I am tired of IT/HER having control over my life and decided, I will do it NO MORE.
I wish you well Anir…Let’s stay in touch and support each other thru this.
Blessings & hugs to you…
Hugs right back birdlover,
I had planned to look for her during the Christmas Hollidays but my 4 other children told me that she had been mean to them the last time she had come to visit us. I then decided to let go. I still and will always retain hope that she will some day come around but I know I have the love of my other children and they keep me more than happy.
My second daughter is getting married next week. The date she chose, because her father had said she could not get married on such a date or such a date, selfish as usual, falls on my other daughters 28th birthday. I did feel a pang when she told me the date and asked me if it was O.K. I told her I had thought about her sister but it was OK. with me. The hurt remains but subsides faster these days.
I sometimes start to cry over little things. Once the pain goes away I tell myself I still and will always love her and send her my love through my thoughts which is the only way I can. I did what I could with what I had when I was raising her. She closed the door on me, on us, and I can’t do anything about it. It is her decision.
One day at a time. And life does go on.
anir