I have a situation that I need some feedback on. I think i should just not fight it and let it go. But, would like to hear from others.
My parents were married for 54 unhappy years. My father who I adored passed away 5 years ago. My Mom runs him down to this day. She has lots of anger towards him for things she says he did in the marriage but she is pure as the driven snow, did nothing but be a perfect wife. Oh is she in such denial. All I remember is her constant anger at him, nagging him constantly even when he was in a wheel chair. She was very controlling even to the point of not letting him have people visit unless she approved of them. And she didn’t approve of most of them. She even controlled what he watched on TV.
Anyway, my father is from Europe. their home is full of things from his parents home. Paintings and dishes etc. that were my grandparents. I think these should stay in the family, she wants to sell them. At least that is what she says to me. She tells me that my father doesn’t want me to have them. She is so jealous of my father and my relationship. I have a brother who got married 27 years ago and moved far away. He never visits and is in a religion that does not own things like photos or special dishes or these type of things. My brother has already told her he doesn’t want anything and to give it to me. She says I just want them so I can sell them which couldn’t be further from the truth. It hurts and she knows it.
I love my Mom, but do not like many of her personality traits. She is a narcissist. Everything is all about her. But she is 85 and I try to be a good daughter to her. We get along ok now as long as she doesn’t talk bad about my father. We have had a few conversations around this and I have told her that I do not want to listen to her running him down. She seems to try but lets it slip some times. I call her almost every day at her request and am currently trying to find a less expensive place for her. Drive her to the doctors, stuff like that. She is in good shape for her age and is very independant. I had no regrets when my father passed away and don’t want to have any when my Mom passes.
So, should I just let her sell the stuff, as I can’t take it with me. I just would like my kids to have some things one day. I am very sentimental and would never sell family hierlooms. My father was also sentimental, my mother is not. My father would be so upset if he knew how she was acting around this. My Mom doesn’t care about this stuff. She blames my Dad for losing their house. He was not good with money and she never got over this. He had a business and used the house as security and when the business failed they had to sell their house. I know this was hard on her but that was at least 25 years ago and I still have to hear about it.
Any idea’s of what I should do?
Yes, chatting, especially about anything sexual is cheating. If my husband was doing that I would consider him cheating on me. Be sooooo careful when meeting this man, people can be who they want to be online.
Yes I have thick legs with thick ankles, my Dad's! Tights the same color as the dress or bone shoes with bare legs. Not a straight skirt and never patterned stockings or leggings!
Kate, it may be that not all your grandparents’ treasures can be saved. How about choosing a few things that seem most valuable to you, and would mean something to your kids? Instead of talking to your mother about the whole collection, talk only about these few items — and not all at once. Ask your mother for these in a way that will make her understand that you want to own them, not sell them. For example, “This vase would look so great on the corner table in my living room.” This way you are focusing on the item for its own sake, not on its value as a memorial to your father.
One by one you might be able to take a few things away. The collection as a whole is something she can use as a weapon against your closeness to your father. A few single pieces might have less consequence, and since some parts of a collection are naturally better than others anyway, you will probably feel fine as time goes by with representative pieces you can really cherish.
Good advice. I have been thinking about it for a while and I think I hurt her feelings a few times. She makes crafts and needlepoint pictures. Now while I appreciate all the hard work she puts into them, they are not my style at all. She has given me so many and I mean a lot and expects me to put them all over my house. She has made pictures for my teens as well and they don’t appreciate them. I have told her that I have put them away for the kids as they will most likely hang them in their homes when they are older.
I have a few hanging in my bedroom but they don’t match my furniture in my living room. It’s very modern and I like abstracts not needle points of flowers and animals. I understand many people like these but I don’t.
So, if I don’t put up everything she has made me and this could fill all the walls in the house, then I can’t have pictures from my fathers home.
She is the type of personality that if you don’t like what she likes or makes than she makes you pay. She has always been like this with me. As a teenager she would take me out clothes shopping if I didn’t like what she picked out for me than I wouldn’t get anything. I ended up getting a job and buying my own. She tries this with my daughter, continues to buy her clothes on her birthday and my daughter will not wear any of it.
At Christmas she makes handmade cards and tells me I should put them in frames. She loves praise and gives hand made gifts with strings attached. She wants me to hang her pictures so when I have people over they will all say “oh what beautiful pictures, who made those” really, she is very insecure but comes across as a very strong personality.
Anyway, I am going to let it go. We have not talked about it much. She had someone come over from an auction house and they said she wouldn’t get much for what she has. She was very upset about this. If she buys something 50 years ago for $100 she thinks it’s worth millions today, it’s not. To her my father’s family heirlooms are there to sell, to me they are their to keep in the family.
It’s good that the auction house people gave her perspective on the sale of these things. It may be that she will now be more willing to part with a few pieces the appraiser thought had little worth. But I would stress just asking for one piece at a time, and making her think it’s her idea by tying it to her — something like “I remember the time you make a delicious soup and served it in that tureen. I wish I had your recipe — I could put the soup in that tureen and invite you to have dinner with me and the kids…” You get the idea.
Is there some way you might be able to frame a few of your mother’s needlepoints (assuming they aren’t huge), grouped perhaps, in a sort of funky-modern way? I have seen old fashioned artworks come to life — actually look modern — in modern frames. And there’s a last resort many friends of mine have employed — when the artist comes, you display her work, and when she leaves you put it away and return your own favorites to their places. Not honest, but a way of making her a little softer and a little happier.
Yes I get it. I think she just wants me to like her stuff like I do my
fathers. I think if I put her stuff out and then put it away when she left, sure enough I would forget to do it so don’t think I will go that route. I do put out all her handmade Christmas cards every year and have a good collection of those. That I don’t mind doing once a year. I just don’t want needle point pictures all over my house that don’t go with my furniture.
I think I need to be more understanding with her. I have always butt heads with my Mom as she seems so petty to me. But I should accept her as she is and try not to let her get to me so much. I behave like I did when I was younger and get my back up as she was so controlling. At 55 I still have some growing to do.
I am so happy that my daughter and I have such a close relationship, I let her be her, don’t try to change her or make her do things my way. I had to deal with that and did not like it.
I do think I need to let it go. I never bring it up and never ask her for anything. I just get upset when she talks about selling it all and then I say, don’t sell it as I feel it should stay in the family. I even told her if she needs the money I will buy it but then she stops talking about it.
So, I think if she brings it up again, that she is going to sell it I will just change the subject and accept that she may just do it. I try in my every day life not to hold on to “things” as we can’t take them with us.
It’s just that I lost my father and the items from his home that were in my home when I was growing up are special to me as they remind me of him.