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Married but feel alone! Hot Conversation

Hi,
I’m new to this site.  I just found it yesterday.  Something is troubling me and since this is truly virtual, I feel that I can open up here and let my defenses down.  Maybe, just maybe, I can find some answers.

So here goes!

I’ve been married twice.  Once when I was very young…19 years old.  Stayed in that one for 6 years.  I married my second husband after having been single for 8 years.  We have been married 25 years, coming up to 26.  I love my husband and I know he loves me.  We’ve been through 12 really tough years with finances, businesses failing, etc.  It’s still a touchy subject between the two of us. 

That problem plus the whole getting older bit is wearing me down.  I’m overweight but doing something about it.  I’ve lost about 23 lbs. in about 6 weeks.  I want to feel more alive! 

But my husband also has health issues.  His testosterone level is extremely low and has been for years.  Until yesterday he has not talked to his doctor about it, although I have begged him to.  Of course, since it is so low, that means that there has been no sex for several years. 

He has been a “couch potato” for years.  Even though I have pleaded with him to try to do or act like he is still alive…NOTHING!  We don’t have meaningful conversations anymore.  We don’t really do anything!  It’s killing me.  I feel so alone.  But I’m not. 

As I said to begin with, I love him, but love just doesn’t seem to be enough.  What should I do?

Posted in family & relationships, health & fitness, love & sex.

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23 Responses

  1. Generic Image Tuser says

    Boy, I just can’t figure out why woman rely so heavily on a man to make them happy.  I am in a marriage that does not have the typical sex every week, conversation until we drop, but luckily he is not a lazy person.  I think that instead of dwelling on what you don’t get in your marriage go out and do something about it.  There is a difference between feeling lonely and being alone.  I am alone quite a bit, but not lonely.  I play alot of sports and get involved in things where I am with other girls/ladies.  Many nights I come home and he is in bed, so I watch some t.v. do exercises in front of the t.v. and do some cleaning around the house.  I actually enjoy having free time.  I know everyones situation is different….

     

     

    1 like

  2. Generic Image decadent says

    Well.  You are not alone.  I to have been married for 27 years and feel very much alone.  I guess there are more of us out there then we care to imagine. 

    My husband used to travel for a living so allwas well when he came home from long trips.  But now that the economy has put him at home for long periods of time, I realize that we don’t communicate much at all.  If very worrysome.  I always thought the people grew closer together, but it seems as though the grow further apart. 

    I am in the process of trying to reconnect with my husband on a different level than before.  He doesn’t want to go out or do anything.  Still searching to find out why men become couch potatoes and we women get a second wind.  I guess it’s because the sow thier wild oats when they are younger and we women are so busy taking care of others that we forget about ourselves.  Then when the nest becomes emty we are ready to fly out of it to.

    Men become comfortable and take women for granted. (oh she’ll always be there!)  Don’t get too comfortable fellas.  I have decided to pursue my own interest anf fulfil myself. 

    I now go to play’s, concerts, movies, and other event’s (yes alone) AND IT FEELS GOOD! GO DO YOU…

    5 like

    • Generic Image Tuser says

      Good for you for making that move.  Instead of dwelling of the fact that things are not just as we would like you did something about it.  I agree with you men take us for granted thinking that we will always be there for them and when we decide to do something about it, well it puts a different light on the relationship.

       

      1 like

  3. Generic Image Reeni says

    Dear DivaT,

    I can totally relate to your situation.  I have been married for nearly 30 years to a man who had functional problems before I met him.  Unfortunately, he chose not to deal with this problem and as I was only 20 years old, I didn’t understand that this was something that required medical attention.  I rationalized that he would be more comfortable with sex in the context of our marriage. 

    After we were married, things improved some, but after our daughter was born two years later, and the stress of parenting came along, our sexual relationship suffered even more.  We never had sex more than once a month, even when things were good.  He avoided sex as much as possible and told me that I was a nymphomaniac and that most married couples didn’t have sex more than once a month.  Being four and a half years younger than my husband and not knowing any better, I believed him for a long time, I think, because I didn’t want to think that he was lying to me. 

    After many years of being unhappy with the ever-dwindling sexual experiences in my marriage, I began to talk to him about my needs and how we could work to make both of us happy. He did agree to go to see a physician about his functional problems.  The doctor gave him Viagra, which of course produces a physical response.  However, Viagra does not give a man the desire for sex.  No amount of setting the stage for being romantic worked.  Sex became a stressful chore that he felt compelled to do for me.

    Finally, he told me that he wanted to be celibate. I tried to get him to come to therapy with me, to no avail.  I went alone and the therapist told me outright that no amount of therapy would help unless my husband was engaged in treatment, too.  All I could do would be to learn how to set limits on his behavior.

    The loneliness and isolation from the lack of phsyical contact is painful.  It has been 12 years . . . I’m now 50 years old.  I never would have thought about having an affair or being with another man had this not happened.  I could never tell someone what to do because no one knows the pain another feels or what would make that person feel whole.  I am not in a position to divorce, and our lives are otherwise happy and productive.  I love my husband, just not in the way I did when we first met. 

    I think it is harder to deal with loneliness when you’re not alone.  To the world, you seem to enjoy all the privileges of married life.  No one knows how lonely you really are.  And, you feel especially uncomfortable when other women talk about their “insatiable” husbands, or when someone comments on anything sexual.  Good luck on your path to finding what works for you.  Please know at least that others feel your pain.

    6 like

    • Generic Image DivaT says

      I think that I placed too much emphasis on the “sexual” part of my problem.  There’s more to it than just a lack of sex.  The way my husband shows that he loves me is to either buy me something.  A simple, “I love you” would do.  Oh, he always says that AFTER I say it first.  Or, he’ll send me flowers on a birthday or anniversary, but never “just because”.  The worst part of all is the silence!  We’re in the same house but we have no conversations.  Just a simple, “Good morning” or “Have a nice day”.

      Thanks for your input!

      0 like

      • Generic Image SandyD says

        Been there done that!  Married for 43 years – my last birthday gift was a box of Andes mints left on the kitchen table. And yes, the very worst part of all is the silence.  More like room-mates.  His idea of recreation is work. I moved to another state this summer, to be close to my son and grandson.  I can’t say I’m not lonely sometimes, because I am.  But I was lonely before I moved. And the conversations with my precious son and grandson make me feel I’m actually alive.

        1 like

  4. Generic Image CACTUSGIRL08 says

    both need to try counseling; something could be physically wrong with your husband besides testosterone being low.

    0 like

  5. Generic Image Richmondblondie says

    I know how yall feel. Ive been married for 16 years. Im only 50, and havent had sex with my husband (or anyone else)! for about 6 years. Before that one time it had been at least three years! I love my husaband very much and we kiss, hold hands and cuddle alot but we do not connect sexually at all. This is my 3rd marriage and I cheated on my second, but I didnt love him. I would love to have a sex only affair, but I dont want to hurt my husband as I really love this one!  He is a wonderful, fit, active person. The no sex thing has been mutal (sorta), I take an antideppresent which really decreases my sex drive, as for him, I dont know. I just found out this week about the testostarone level thing. My husband is going to the Dr next week to have it checked. He thinks that could be the problem. Its so hard on us women cuz in the back of my mind I think that he isnt attracted to me anymore because Ive gained a few pounds and gotten older and not as pretty as I used to be. I sometimes wonder if hes having an affair, but I keep track of his every move and theres no way he could fit it in!. If and when we do decide to start having sex again it will be uncomfortable for us both as we are like strangers in that department. I dont know what to do, I hope his testasarone levels are fixed and we start having sex again. It really bothers me alot.

    0 like

  6. Generic Image Christa says

    Have you considered the possibility that your husband is depressed?  As you know, financial crises can be very draining, and  men often feel responsible, weather they are or not.  Has anyone spoken to the doc about this?

    0 like

  7. Generic Image Brenda1955 says

    Hello,

    I’m new here just today and have to add my 2 cents.  I live the same life as the both of you except I wish he would just disappear.  I don’t wish him anything bad, just wish he would simply go away.  We have been together for 26 years and he is a second marriage, guess I’m a glutten for punishment but he was a good guy at first.  Sex was never a priority for him and I bet I could count on both hands the number of times we were ever intimate. He always said he had pain and every excuse(now I can call it that) in the book so I lived with the reasoning that he had a medical issue which he wouldn’t have checked out and that was that.  Conversation? Never…always just into himself and answers everything with I don’t knows! It was my sister actually that pointed out to me that she had seen something and I should keep an eye on him and I did and I found out he loved himself more than anyone. He went away to work and talked about all these prostitutes that would approach him for a good time and at the time, we would both get a good laugh out of it…..ya right! Then when he had to have blood tests to renew his insurance we found out he had Hep C which he had the nerve to deny and say the tests were wrong.  Whatever buddy…hit the road.  Anyway…this all came about, about 6 years ago and it takes everything I have to sit in the same room as him.  We have slept in seperate rooms for 6 years so thats the only way I tolerate staying.  If I had to share a bed with this fool, no way.  All my growing up life we moved and never had roots.  I have been in my home for 25 years and I’ll be damned if I’m leaving it.  He can go.  He was always good to me, we had a good relationship, minus the sex but once I found out what he was doing….I can’t use the word “hate” because that is just too strong a word but boy do I ever dislike him, ALOT!  About the only place I go with him is Wal-Mart and thats just because I’m bored.  I see other couples walking, holding hands and I want someone I would like to hold hands with again. I’m lonely. I’m not out there looking but if I run into whoever it is that wants to hold my hand…I’m not letting go!

    Thanks for listening.

    1 like

    • Generic Image Richmondblondie says

      Brenda1955-

      I just read your post above, and boy did it hit close to home for me! Ive been married to my 3rd husband now for 16 years. My 2nd husband was exactly like yours. I divorced him to find a better life, and boy am I glad I did. I knew there had to be more, and there was. If your so unhappy dear, just say goodbye for good and move on. I did and I never regretted it. I dont advocate divorce or course, but if your so unhappy with him why stay?? Im just saying….. Good luck, life is too short to waste in an unhappy marriage.

      2 like

      • Generic Image Brenda1955 says

        Thank you for being so kind dturner.  I’m glad you found the happiness that you deserve. I know I should go and have told myself many times that life is too short for this and just walk and don’t look back, but I hate to lose the security of my home I guess and keep hoping he will go.  There is something in the back of my mind that just keeps telling me to hold on and be patient a little longer.  I will wait “a little longer” but have pretty much made up my mind that after Christmas into the New Year, I have to do something because being sad and so darn lonely takes it toll.

        0 like

    • Generic Image decadent says

      Hello again ladies,

      Have you all considered the possibility that these men may be into porn on the net.  Accordig to statistics most men are.  The stats on internet porn are so high, most men have to be out there doing it.  I know mine is (found evidence in the cookies file).  I advise you to take a look in the cookies file and find out where your husbands have been on the internet.  They don’t feel obligatory to anyone.

      That in itself is another let down in the scheme of things.  I think the pressure to perform sexually after 50 get to be too much for them.  We come into our prime at around 40 something and can have a satifying drive into 70.  I am 59 and lovin it. 

      I have never cheated on my husband and don’t intend to.  As a matter of fact he is the only husband that I have ever had.  And, if I divorce… I DON’T INTEND TO EVER MARRY AGAIN.  There is way too much freedom in being single.

      Just a thought!

      1 like

  8. Generic Image shirley patricia says

    follow your hear you only have one life ,if you have the courage , leave you need to enjoy your life . i,m in the same boat and this is my 4th marriage , i,m a long way from home and miss my family and freinds too much but workin on resolvin that issue as we only have one life to live , do keep in touch

    1 like

  9. Generic Image Anonymous1 says

    Well guess I’ll add a thought here…I was married for 16 years to this same situation.  We met when I was 16 and he was 20.  There was always a problem with sex, I too made excuses as to why he couldn’t perform and I stayed until I was 40 in the relationship and yes, we did go to counseling.   I finally decided that I’d had enough and we only get one chance at life and I wanted to be happy. I said to myself, I don’t want to be unhappy for another 20 years.   With the support of my dad, I divorced him, bought him out of the house and moved on.  (so I was able to keep my home). 

    I never looked back and sure I don’t have a man in my bed every night but I have to tell you I am sooo much more happier and making new friends all the time.  I am very selective in regards to whom I share my time with but their is no reason to stay in an unhappy marriage unless you want to be there.  Find a way to buy him out of the house.  If you have good credit and a job, get the house appraised, if the house is worth for example $250K and your mortgage is $190k there is  $60k in equity in the house.  He is due $30k and you have to re-fi that mortgage in your name.  I paid my ex his money out of the re-fi. (my attorney said to him, “what came first, the chicken or the egg? “She has to re-fi the house before she can give you the money”. So, the house was re-fi’d.   This what I did.  If you have children, the judge is not going to make you move out your home. In addition, he will have to pay you child support until your child is 18 years of age.  Can you make it with you own job, and child support, I bet you can especially with the lower interest rates on 30 year mortgages right now thanks to the stimulus plan.  

    I am just sharing what you can do to bring the unhappiness to an end but it’s your choice.  Again, I am not advocating to divorce but you need to know there is a way to manage through it and take that 2nd chance on happiness. (after you have gone to counseling, first to save it)

    1 like

  10. keyondra4 keyondra4 says

    Try to get him to see his doctor fist. And then try some home tricks to get him into to you again. plan a pick-nick  or a date. to something he likes. and try to get him to open up to you.And most of all ask him what you can do to help him turn your love life around. you say you have lost some weight try on some of your old cloths ,mat be a dress that he like on you and see if that help. And most of all don’t be afraid to openly ask him if he in deed still love you and work from there.

    0 like

  11. LauraB LauraB says

    Seems like many of us are in this same boat.  I do not think I need a man to make me happy although no one would be able to tell since I’m on my third marriage.  My husband does not work.  He has a group of friends he visits with on a daily basis.  I have my work so I’m surrounded by people every day too.  We have seperate bedrooms and basically seperate lives.  We try to have dinner or lunch together once a week to “catch up” although we don’t have a lot to say to one another.  I take my own vacations and he takes his.  Now, this may not work for everyone but it works for us.  Sure, I miss having sex but not enough to go out and have an affair even though I’ve thought long and hard about doing it.  So….to add my two cents here….live your life for you!  Do what makes you happy.  Take care of you.

    0 like

  12. Generic Image CarolynM says

    DivaT,

    I can so understand what you are saying except that I’ve only been married 6 years.  I met my husband in my hometown in Florida…..he was from New York.  We were set up on a blind date.  We really hit it off and carried on a long distance relationship for a year visiting back and forth.  I was ready to retire and he couldn’t yet so I retired, left Florida and my life behind and moved to New York.  Not exciting NYC but central NY (country style). At the time, I knew our life together was going to be great….we’d discussed traveling, we had alot of interests in common, I would live in a new part of the country and get to see new places.  He used to tell me how much he loved sex and how often he used to have it when he was married before.  We got married two months later and 3 months after that my husband got a disability retirement because he has severe rheumatoid arthritis and is limited to the kind of meds he can take.  While we were dating, sex was great and frequent.  After we got married, it became less and less until now it has been 4 years (except for once last winter).  He is always busy working around the house, helping his friends or visiting them, running errands……he doesn’t like to sit still.  In the evenings, he gets on the computer and looks at porn.  But, he says he has no sexual desire because he doesn’t feel good.  I’ve accused him of having an affair (I don’t really think he is) and he denies it.   I’ve never had to “beg” for sex and I don’t want him to have sex with me if he’s not attracted to me.  But I sure feel unattractive and my self-esteem is non-existent.   I’m 55 now and I used to feel and act alot younger when I lived in Florida…….I feel like an old woman now.   Not to mention that I’m very lonely.  I’ve not been able to make any good friends…..people here are very standoffish and don’t trust “outsiders”.   I know he loves me and I love him…..but I never thought I would be married and celebate.  Like someone else said, I feel like we are roommates….not husband and wife.  We’ve tried counseling for another matter and he thinks things are all my problem…..not his.  I doubt he would agree to discuss this problem with a counselor!  I’m way too young to feel this old….. 

    0 like

    • Generic Image Brenda1955 says

      This one here too that lives in my house also looks at porn and you know what he told me one day….Sex is too much work!  He did have doctor appointments and I mean with speacialists and he missed them all.  Sex is not all I’m after…I miss more the companionship, someone to do things with, talk with and you know, have a life.  Not this jerk who hides in a corner doing who knows what!  I can’t be nice anymore but being able to find a job to get my own place is very hard and besides, he can go!  I will one day find who I’m looking for.  Until then, I do alot of mumbling under my breath and every once in a while I say it out loud.  Its easy to say, well don’t complain about it, leave.  Ya ok, where will I go, leave it all to him so his world isn’t disrupted, I worked as hard as him, I made the home for my kids, not him, he’s being the fool, not me, so why does it have to be me. Your not going to tell me that he believes he’s a normal, everyday husband…he has to know he’s not.  Husband doesn’t enter my vocabulary anymore….I can’t say the names I know him as on here. I’m angry that he has put our marriage in this spot and no, I didn’t do this to us, he did because I believe there is a sickness of sorts here that stems way back and we wives are the ones that are paying for it. He has killed our marriage, our family, our relationship and any friendship we have had and he just goes on day to day in his little lalalala sick world. He needs to just disappear.

      0 like

      • Generic Image spencevan says

        My response is in genera, too much of this blog.  Many of the feelings of loneliness, perhaps emptiness, perhaps the void of touch both physically and emotionally that I have read here I can strongly relate to.  The mechanical sense of “it must be Sat therefore their responsibility is to perform at best”. At least that’s the feeling you sense.  But for me if there is, no conversation, no openness, no cease the moment movement, I feel whatever was, is gone.  That to me is empty.  Yeah I have been married once for 26 yrs and am in my early 50′s.  We both are in physically good shape and that isn’t the issue. It’s knowing that there are issues that require a open forum, but the response is “I don’t want to talk about that now, I’m something or another…”  You hold on because you love your mate or perhaps you feel it is what is expected of you or perhaps it’s guilt or feeling of failure or being alone truely by yourself alone. Ok enough for my feelings.  Oh by the way I am the emotionally challenged husband. Oh yeah it isn’t all to one sided.  Hope this doesn’t offend

        1 like

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