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Married 16 years, no sex in at least 6 years! Most Liked Hot Conversation

Im 50, hes 53. We used to have sex alot the first 5 years of marriage, then we both quit drinking and since then we have only had sex maybe twice!!! I love him dearly and would not have an affair. I take anti-deppresents which lowers my sex drive so its been a mutal decision, and it hasnt been too upseting until lately. I just this week found out about the tetestarone level thing. Hes getting his levels checked next week. He says he wants to, cuz he doesn have any sex drive at all. I hope that solves the problem. I dont think hes having an affair as I know where he is all the time.I would neve have an affair because I do love him alot and Im a christain. I just couldnt handle the guilt. It hurts me to think its because Im not as thin or pretty as I used to be, and thats the reason he has no interest. Sometimes I think there are more couples out there than just us who dont have sex anymore. When we do decide to start again it will be really uncomfortable cuz we are like strangers in that department! We have always kissed and cuddled, but thats it. If we dont fix this problem soon, I may have to end up doing something I will regret. Anyone out there going thru the same thing??

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Posted in family & relationships, love & sex.

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31 Responses

  1. Generic Image pennysaver says

    Wow, so interesting that this is the first question I see.  I have similar problem but have different view from most on how to deal with it.  My husband is diabetic so our lack of sex is based mainly on physical.  He is an Excellent husband in All other respects and will satisfy me in his way (which I happen to love) when we do have sex.  I could divorce him and find a guy with high sex drive (like mine) who cheats or is down low or has HIV or not good in all other respects.  But why risk that?? for an orgasm when I could, as suggested on other posts, get a vibrator, etc.  NOW if he wasn’t good in all or most other areas that would be different story.  My advice is counseling, rule out the physical and engage sex therapy as well.

    2 like

    • Generic Image allie says

      you seem to understand your situation. marriage is not about you or him it is about us. if you can not be a us go away

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  2. Generic Image allie says

    find a sexual counsel will do wonders

    1 like

  3. Generic Image Belle says

    It sounds to me like you are already doing some things to keep in touch with each other.  When I found myself in a similar situation, I had other issues besides sex.  I made a plan to move out.  I had a good job and made a plan and followed through!  My husband had self esteem, work and parenting issues that I was not happy with.  I made my decision to leave about 10 years ago.  We had been married about 17 years at the time.  We are still friends.  I think we talk as much now as when we lived together.  The biggest difference is that I have my own space and don’t feel lonely or obligated to fix his problems!  Belle

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    • Generic Image smilesngiggles says

      Belle, Sometimes I feel like fixing my husbands problems is all I do.  We also have the sex issues.  I think I have given up..

      smilesngiggles

       

       

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  4. Generic Image JMomOhio says

     dturner says……….If we dont fix this problem soon, I may have to end up doing something I will regret.

     

    I guess my first question is what does this mean???  If your relationship is good, then address the problems with your medication and libido before you do anything else.  I take antidepressants also for anxiety attacks and it does mess with your libido.  Perhaps another medication (I don’t know what your prescription is for) would help emmensely.  If you’re both ‘on the same page’ about wanting to reignite your lovemaking then I would suggest a sex therapist or perhaps just regular marital counselling first.  Men go thru a menopause period just like woman where their testosterone levels drop, but you just don’t hear about it much.  Intercourse can be very painful for me due to past surgeries and dryness, but I use baby gel as a lubricant and it has greatly improved.  He doesn’t have erections as long as he use to so we just take it one day at a time.  Good luck!  :)

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    • Generic Image Richmondblondie says

      I dont know exactly what that comment means, cuz I probably could not follow thru on any extra-marital affair anyway since I dearly love my husband. He is a GOOD man and father in all ways, so I would not want to risk our marriage just for a fantastic orgasim. I take Zoloft for a mild case of OCD. I works 100% on that, so it would be hard to change meds. I have gotten thru by pleasuring myself all these years, but Im really starting to miss the intimacy. Since he has agreed to get his testosterone levels checked, he must be ready to find out why theres no drive for him. I dont have a very big drive, so I hope he doesnt bother the heck out of me if and when he gets his drive back!  haha. If I wanted to go to a counselor, where would I find a good sex therepist? I dont want to end up with a quack. If hes going thru menopause, its lasted about 10 years!!!! Can you imagine how this could make a woman feel? I hope we can find a way to connect again… thanks for yalls response to this.

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      • Generic Image JMomOhio says

        I would say that a marital counsellor could steer you in the direction of a good sex therapist better than anyone else.  Perhaps some more Google searches on sex therapy online could help too!  How ’bout wrapping yourself in ‘Cling wrap’ like the woman did in the movie “Steel Magnolias” and meeting him at the door????  Eh??  Can’t hurt to try!!  Of course, if I tried that my husband would have me locked up in a sanitarium or something!!  :)

         

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      • Generic Image Richmondblondie says

        hehehe of course mine would have me committed too! After all these years, are you kidding? Then theres the kids who could come home anytime…..

        Ill do some research for a counselor after he gets his levels checked. thanks alot!

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      • MissCharly MissCharly says

        Didn’t you just love the Saran Wrap?!

        Good, human movie

         

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  5. 597377 597377 says

    I say, you have a BIG problem, on your hands!  OMG — when I was married ( for 20 years ) if there’s anything I miss, it is the SEX! I ALSO GAINED WEIGHT ( LIKE MANY PEOPLE DO ) — BUT, “WE TRULY LOVED EACH OTHER.” That dturner — is the main word– “LOVE.”  I wish you MUCH luck. Hope this could be worked out!

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  6. Generic Image chris-4 says

    have been married 40 years. Sex was always a big part of our marriage. My husband and I haven’t had sex for 3 years. I tried to talk with him, asked him to talk to his Dr. he came home with a box of viagra. He took one and told me to hurry up, because he didn’t know how long his erection would last. Things were ok, but since then he has not taken un other pill, I have tried to talk with him, he gets upset and says he doesn’t want to talk about it. OR he walks away from me. He takes a anti-depressent, which I told him may be the cause. He refuses to go off of this medication or try an other kind. In bed he stays way over on his side and rolls away from me if I touch him, During the day he will give me a quick kiss or hug, but that’s it. I am mad at him because he won’t even seek help. I crave the feeling of a man. It is effecting our marriage, he doesn’t seem to care and he is not seeking help, I don’t want to live like this. There is a other man interested in me. At this point my marriage has gone sour, I don’t know if I even love him, anymore.

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    • Generic Image SharLee says

      If you were more intimate you probably would feel warm and fuzzy about him again, UNLESS there are other issues. After 40 years you’d leave .. just to have sex! Good Lord! Talk to him, tell him how you feel and that you need him to seek help, the YOU make an appt with a sex therapist and force him to go with you. Don’t htrow in the towel after so long. So, you leave him and end up a little while wirh this other guy, have some sex for a while and then he has other issues like we all do. Would it be worth it? then, alone. Fun, huh? Try to make it work first, you owe him and yourself that. Good luck!

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    • Generic Image CYBERLADY says

      chris-4 DON’T DO ANYTHING YOU WILL REGRET. WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE NEW MAN LOSES INTEREST. YOU CAN’T FIX THIS BY STARTING SOMETHING NEW.. YOUR HUSBAND MAY NOT BE SO HAPPY EITHER YOU LNOW MEN ARE SO MACHO EVEN WHEN THEY KNOW BETTER BUT DON’T GIVE UP.MAYBE SOMETHING ALL NATURAL WILL HELP TAKE A LOOK AT MY PROFILE. KEEP IN TOUCH AND PRAY. LET GOD DIRECT YOUR PATH.

      1 like

    • suzieque suzieque says

      I can well relate,  been married 34 years and the past 6 years I have been a loyal nun and it is getting old,  shoot I can be naked and he doesnt bat an eye.  wont talk to doc about it either,  I am 53 and still want to be treated special and made to feel like I am loved but nothing,  he just complains about what I dont do, what I do wrong etc.  cant make him happy  wondering if it is time to move on

      2 like

      • Generic Image chris-4 says

        it’s hard isn’t it. I have to bite my tongue sometimes, he doesn’t want me to ask him what is wrong, or what I can do. End of subject! The worst is when we are in bed and my feet touch his, he jerks or flinches, then rolls right to his side of the bed. Sometimes, he tucks the covers around himself, so there is no part of his skin to touch. Out of bed, he acts like nothing is wrong. I am sure he is embarressed, and doesn’t want to talk about it, does he want our marriage to end? He doesn’t even want to try and make things work, he is selfish and everyday I love him a little less.

         

         

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    • Generic Image liz says

      Be careful who you listen to.  Better pray for discernment from the Lord.  I can assure you God would not have you invite porn into your relationship with your husband.  Some people want to think it’s no big deal, but it is.  I can think of much, much worse things in this world besides not having sex.  PLEASE PEOPLE!

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    • Generic Image smilesngiggles says

      I know what you are saying, I’ve been there fore a long time.  I feel you got to do what you got to do, but the guilt is strong.

      smilesngiggles

      0 like

    • lindame lindame says

      This is to Chris-4…I know your post was in 2009 and I hope things have worked out for you. I went through the exact same thing but my significant other of 16 yrs left me for his ex whom he had 2 teen-age children with. He would sleep with his back to me every night & I often wondered if that was his way of trying to get me to break up with him. During the day he would act as if nothing was wrong or get angry if I tried to discuss things with him, would not try to get help, and was having problems with sex drive. The one time he did talk to me about things he cried and told me that he couldn’t have erections very much and didn’t even feel the drive to want sex anymore. He had his testosterone levels checked which were ok. He was diabetic, was scheduled for a prostate operation and was to be tested for cancer. That was when he left me. It has only been a week now and he left his job, did not get the operation yet or his cancer test. He said he knows he has it and is scared. He is 58 & I 59. 

      What happened with us is a hard pill to swallow so if you can get him to get help at all please do and you need help too,  because it will not last the way it is going. Having an affair won’t fix things.  You both are unhappy and BOTH OF YOU are looking for a way to happiness trust me.

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  7. Generic Image carmenita says

    I am 55,my husband is 56 and we live apart because of his job,and he comes home every two weeks, and he wants sex every time,i use to be that way but have not felt that way ever since i started going through menopause but i cant tell him that he might think i am having an affair,most of the time i wish we could just cuddle,hopefully it will pass

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    • Generic Image SharLee says

      it won’t pass! It will only get worse.Get help. See a sex therapist or try exploring with bio- identical hormones. Save your marriage while you can. Good luck!

      0 like

  8. Generic Image mel2009 says

    My husband is eleven years older than me. He is in currently in his mid 60′s, and I am almost in my mid 50′s. He injured himself at work in 2003, and went through knee surgery in 2004. We went from having an active sex life to barely any sex to no sex at all in the last year or more. He tried the testosterone, but said it was making him fatter and he didn’t like that. I think it might be a combination of the meds he’s on for blood pressure and the psychological about his knee injury. I can’t imagine life without him. I love him so very much, but I am lonely. I want to be wrapped up in his arms again, and be intimate. When he does make an attempt, he makes some strange comments during lovemaking. Comments that make me feel like an object and not his wife. I never expected this to happen. I figured when the kids were grown and gone, we could have an incredible sex life, but it’s been the total opposite. I’m sad and feeling like I’m not in a marriage anymore, and afraid of what lies ahead.

    1 like

    • katwilly katwilly says

      I feel your pain, mel2009. My first marriage lasted 19 years and was very troubled and nearly sexless – not from my lack of interest in sex, just lack of interest in sex with HIM. But then I found my “sould mate” at age 49, and for the first 4 or 5 years, our sex life was perfect. I used to think, “it will never happen to us.” Then, all of a sudden, it just stopped. I have repeatedly tried to talk to him about it, but he refuses to discuss it. So I’ve grown accustomed to our lack of intimacy and keep telling myself we’re a great couple in all other ways. But I MISS the intimacy!!! Especially since I had so little of it during my first marriage. And now it has gone on so long, I fear we’ll never be able to go back. But I still love him madly, so there’s always hope…

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    • Generic Image SharLee says

      My husbajnhd is 9 years older than me as well and take heart meds. He cannot perform because of them and his doctor gave him viagra. i admit, it’s not perfect- you have to decide in advance if you want sex, but it works great. Most men are too humiliated and embarrased so help him out by sayign you understand and ask him to talk to his doctor about this. If you still have a sex drive at your age, trust me that will change too and there is nothing to turn back the hands of time but you can get help with progesterone creams. Contrary to what one reader responded, we actually have too MUCH estrogen later in life, not enough progesterone and testosterone- yes, women need that too. your doctor can advise you both on these things. Good luck!

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  9. Generic Image SharLee says

    Listen, i can relate. i love my husband dearly , have been married 20 years this month and have sex maybe once a year if that in the last 6 years or so. He is a little older, 58 and me, 51. He is also on heart meds which lowe his blood pressure and causing problems with erection. He has to take a pill now and so we virtually have to make an appt to have sex. Problem is, i never want to! With a low sex drive and now being spontaneious, it’s a little lackluster. I have had friends whose husbands took the testasterone cream and it worked well. It is natural for us all to lose thise, more the norn than not, so don’t worry. I do want to talk to my doctor about maying taking bio- identical hormaones 9 not the same the normal hormone repalcement that we’ve all read is so dangerous) I think it may help. I think all the time that our lives can be so much better and more fulfilled, but we must put forth a little effort. We go away on a little weekend to have sex, so maybe more of these getaways. We all deserve a btter, more satisfying life, don’t you think?Good luck!

    1 like

  10. Eve007 Eve007 says

    I can surely relate to this. Other people I have talked to about one or the other not interested in sex for some reason is just amazing how many people there are. At Experience Projects there are over 1000 at least of all ages that have trouble of some sort.

    For myself, it is pretty black and white. My husband has PTSD plus a bad back. We have not shared a bed in 20 years. But we have become best friends, have divided the house into a duplex and it seems to work. I have left a lot out, but it is interesting what situations people are in and how they handle it. For me being a horny, passionate woman, it was hard. It has been five years now seen we started living apart, but I have also found that the grass is not always greener on the other side and have finally realize who I am. I am not saying that you won’t get lonely or need or want someone at times, but sometimes you have to accept the situation. If you can’t then it is time for a change. I have dated, had affairs and what I found was players, liers and cheaters. I found disappointment and dishonest men. So, I have finally accepted my situation and will live with it. Everyone has to do what they feel they must. Do I regret the things I have done, no because it made me understand me and helped me to grow within myself. To finally realized that my husband is a wonderful man, he just can’t be a husband to me.

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  11. Generic Image liz says

    I wanna say this….Hey, sex may be wonderful (sometimes), but it shouldn’t be what makes your world go ’round.  Do you know how many women have to put up with having sex with their husbands, but never getting the kissing and cuddling part?  That alone would make most women happy.  Yes, I said “put up with”, but only because that’s the attitude women get when that’s all there is.  Most women long for the cuddling.  Anyone can have sex, but it usually more of a “love” think when you kiss and cuddle.  That’s what’s important..loving.  Try and be appreciative of just having your spouse there with you..kissing and cuddling.  Don’t entertain stupid thoughts.  You “might” obtain some instant pleasure, but big deal.  Then you have to get back to life…and…you may have just really screwed things up for yourself.  It’s not worth it.  I have news for ya.  There are many couples out there that don’t have sex.  I’m not saying that that’s a good thing, but love and respect and commitment are much more important.

    3 like

  12. Alicia Alicia says

    Sex made MY world go round!  Unfortunately I have been celibate for 8 (gaccckk) years since my divorce…after 31 years of abuse.
     
    For me, the most incredible orgasms were from oral sex…..and sex was ALWAYS fabulous.

    1 like

    • twinkle twinkle says

      I’m a 58 year single woman I have been for over 6 years well that was just a 2 week so called relationship and the last time I had sex, ( which wasn’t much to talk about.) I have not dated since or had sex I just don’t feel sexual even to masturbate. |I am on anti-depressant’s through the grief that has occurred in my life the past 10 years, also I’ve not had a colourful past with men, through beatings and unfaithfulness it didn’t help being alcoholic, I have been sober over 13 years now but just don’t have any sex drive, I am still attractive and quite fit for my age I am taken for much younger, I keep myself groomed as much as possible, I feel I’m just a bore now and have become homey t.v home alone I enjoy my own company but there’s a limit. Don’t know where to go from here.

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      • Generic Image kat58 says

        I am with you on that one, twinkle. I am still relatively attractive, but feel I too am a bore, or maybe I just bore myself? I do feel invisible, being a middle aged, single woman, and I really don’t have the energy or desire to try to be bouyant. Although I feel I could be again if I met a special someone. But how can I gat a special someone to be interested? It’s like the chicken and the egg. Sigh…

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