After 18 years I left him. Moved out on my own in a little duplex. Barely making ends meet but I have peace. He hasn’t called me one time. I made an appointment for him to see a counselor one week after my first counseling appt. I’ve been in an addictive relationship with someone that was abusive mentally and sometimes physically. I love him still so I must be in an addictive relationship and couldn’t set any bounderies that would stick with him. Now I have a big boundery between us and wondering where this will all take us; back together or apart for ever. We are both 62 scared silly! I feel that he is narcistic and very controlling. Guess that is why he hasn’t bothered to make any effort to see about me. Anyone in the same boat or can share ?
| Marriage Counseling | Hot Conversation |
June 16, 2010
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Sounds very interesting.
Google and read everything you can find on “emotional abuse.” I’m so with you, sweetie. Love and stay strong!
Thanks Namaste! I will do that.
I agree with Namaste. Learn everything you can about abusive, toxic, narcisistic, controling men. I hope you are in counseling. As far as which way this will go . . . I’ve seen women get strong and in doing so the addictive love they felt no longer had a hold on them and they wouldn’t have gone back with the abuser at all. I’ve also seen abusive men get help and change. There is a reason why they are like they are. Most of it is personality, but their family of origin had to contribute to the development of his controlling ways. Please don’t take this as “hopefulness”. Whatever happens you have to care for yourself, FIRST!!!!! And believe me, the “boat” is overloaded, you are not alone.
Morning Dyna, “their family of origin had to contribute to the development”, are you saying it is tolerated or taught in the family/home?…TRACK
No it’s not taught. It is the result of the relationship a male child has with the adults in his life — usually his mom. And it’s usually a controlling mom that has no clue they are being controlling. The unfortunate part is that the controlling mom really thinks they are being good disciplinarians. Let me see if I can make this clearer . . . It should be every female and male child’s freedom to define themselves in all four functions: feeling, sensate, intuitive, and thinking. Each child comes into the world fully capable of using these functions to assimilate their environment and experiences. When they have a controlling parent who dictates to them what they experience, their ability to assimilate and understand theirselves in relation to the world around them is impaired. They stop using their own abilities and take in someone elses definition of them. Parents thrust their own agenda on children by saying things like, “You’re not hurt, get up.” to a child with a scraped up knee. Or “You don’t like strawberry ice cream, you always get vanilla” to a child that is craving strawberry ice cream. Or “Oh, you’re not hungry, you just ate” to a child that was starving because they didn’t like what was fixed for dinner at Aunt Janes. When one person defines another, a distortion of reality occurs and has extraordinary remifications.
If I haven’t explaned this in a understandable way for you, just come on back. (smile) -dyna
You did good, thank you…never too old to learn…TRACK
I see my husband’s Mother doing this to her son who slow though and on disability so he must live at home for assistant living. But I see this same behavior from my step son to my grandson! Distortion of reality is a good explanation. It’s too bad I had to be the ‘blunt’ of his remification!
Fantastic definition. Thanks so much!
His behavior is not how he feels it is what is in his mind and how he thinks. His Father abused his Mother for many years. They hated eachother up to his death. Now she says she has no regrets? Strange that she appears to be happier than she ever has been that I have seen. My husband is a loose cannon! He slept with an open and loaded gun by his side on the floor for the last two weeks that I was there. I truly fealt that threat believe me. But he doesn’t find any errors in his ways??? It definitely is a mind thing. He also said he still doesn’t know why I left him. Unbelievable! Bills are crashing in now and I only work 3 days a week,,, cut backs…. Thanks for your insight dynamomma! Sounds as though you have had some past experience with this type of man?
I kicked a very long term addictive love…..I had to hit rock bottom, then sink a few inches lower, before I could make the break….when I did, it was the best thing in my life, and still is…….as I look back I truly cannot even figure out where my mind was during that time of being with him, but I know one thing for sure, I am never going back, with him or anyone…
Sunblossom, I don’t ever want to go back to that same old story either or with anyone else for that matter. I also didn’t want to live alone. My Mother is 90 and alone and it’s really hard for her.
Boomer, get and read “Co-Dependent No More” by Melody Beatty.