To make a long story short within the past year and a half i have lost my dog who was with me for 14 years..I lost someone i love ( we parted) lost what family i have here, (arugement i did not start…and have no firends. To top it off i really dislike my job. So i have had suicidal thoughts BUT i know it would hurt my kids who live away in another state. 
So i am moving about like a zombie…I tried anti-depressants but i had side affects so i stopped them. I can’t afford a therapist so i am doing this cold turkey. I don’t know what else to do.
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Sounds very interesting.
Hi Taylor,
I know what you are going through. I have been at that point for quite some time. I take medication and do a group program with 3 other women that share the suicidal thinking. It’s called a collective, we don’t go into our stories as much as we identify “it’ the thing that makes us think suicidal. I have found it helpful to identify these feelings as separate from myself. It gives me something to fight against. I have tried many approaches over the years, this has helped the most. If you can find councelling you can afford, it would be a good idea. There are several posts on VN that can help too.
And for the rest of today, just get through one minute at a time.
Take care
Hi! dillin257,
Thank you so much for understanding. When the breakup started i started to get panic attacks and i ran to the doctor. I couldn’t even take off my sun glasses because i didn’t want her to see me. She gave me anti-depressants and of course i started feeling better BUT i realized the problems and feelings will always be there once i stopped them. The side affects made me decide to stop them mostly. I looked up the sucidial site, read what thye had to say and tried calling the hotline. When someone picked up i hung up.The person that answered sounded cold. Maybe it was just me. I don’t know.
I am trying to take this one day at a time and some days i feel good, other days i lose it. I read books and they help put my mind in line but then i will go back to the feelings once i put the book down.
Call a crisis hotline, go to your church minister, if you don’t have a church find one, call the county you live in, there are services available to you, ask your doctor for a referral, there are counselors that do pro bono work. Reach out, something will be there for you. Keep posting on VN and talking your little heart out, we are all here for you.
Hi! dynamomma
As i stated above i tried the hotline. I don’t have a church here so i will have to find one. and i will try to see what i can find out as far as pro bono work.
Thanks,,,,
Taylor, I am sorry you are going through this. When I went through my crises years, I got a cat. Some days the only reason I made it to the next day was ‘who will feed my cat if I am gone?’. As your doctor for help. Explain your financial situation. I’m sure he has resources for helping people in your situation. Don’t wait on this. Therer is another woman going through some serious life changes. You may want to read her thread. We are here for you. http://www.vibrantnation.com/conversations/113238-please-someone-tell-me-the-secret-to-survival-/#replied-113274
Hi! RaggedyAnn,
What a coincidence. My screen name for the last 20 years is RaggedyNan because i collect raggedyann dolls.
I have so many different style and versions of raggedyann .
I thought about getting a cat BUT i lost my cat of 17 years about 9 years ago and it was DEVASATING. It hurt like hell and i swore i would never get another one again to not feel that pain again. I had my dog and cat at the same time. Now i don’t even want a dog either. It hurts too much and i love animals. Not only that i feel it’s not fair to have the pet home alone all the time. I work all day and when i come home i am too tired to give it the time it needs and should get.
Thanks……for being here for me
You know that your kids would be crushed if you were to leave them. You love them and they love you. You are important. Their lives would not be the same without you. You know your value right now is to be strong for your children.
Happiness is lacking in your life right now. How will you gain the strength to even try to be happy? It might take a while, but YOU can do it. Reaching out to women on this site who have been through a lot in their lives, some in simular situations as yours, is part of the process of finding more meaning in your own life and eventually be happy again.
We all live our lives the best we can. You do what you can with what you have. Right now you seem to have a lot of bad things that have happened to you. You are in a dark place with the beam of light being your love for your children.
You have a job, although you might not be happy in it, you are making a living and need to keep going to pay the bills. Even if it is not your ideal job right now, it pays the bills, right?
I am so sorry for the loss of your dog. They are great companions aren’t they? Allways happy to see you, cuddly. Remember the good times you had having him around and if he made you laugh at times. What color was he? What was his name? Tell us about him. Do you have pictures of him? Take them out and remember him.
The relationship that ended is likened to a death. It is a death in which the grieving process is sometimes worst than someone dying. You relive a lot of things and you will often wonder what if??? What if I had said this or done this instead of that? Did I work hard enough at it? Could the outcome have been different? You are now alone with your feelings and no one to turn to for answers to questions that will probably always remain. You are probably trying to answer these questions and just feel overwelmed by them. That is normal. You are normal.
You are a good person to think of the hapiness of you children at this time in your life.
Cry! Cry for what is hurting you. And it does hurt. Emotional and physical hurt. You are O.K.
Laugh! Laugh at a joke, a funny picture. Don’t stop yourself from laughing. It is O.K.
Smile! Smile at the thought of the love you have for your children. The warmth you feel when you think of them. At the memories of when they were younger and made you smile. At the little things they did or said. Chilfren are wonderfull!
Remember that with the happiness you might feel once in a while, the darkness might be lurking just around the corner. Darkness dissipates slowly and sometimes takes a long time to dissapear altogether. It is O.K.
Life sucks sometimes doesn’t it? Just my opinion
!
anir
Hi! Anir!
Thank. you so much for your input. The only reason i am still here today is because of my kids. I really don’t want to hurt them this way or any way. I don’t want them to go thru the rest of their lives knowing that their mother was weak and took the easy way out. They don’t see me as a weak person. They think i’m strong. Sometimes i think i am too but i’m not, most of the time. I’m tired of being strong. I’m human. I have faults and weaknesses. My kids are my life and i would give up my life for either one of them in a second.
As for my dog, which was a golden retriever and his name was Brandy was awesome. They do give unconditional love and was always there for me.BUT i can’t even look at pictures of him or talk about him to others because then i miss him and start to cry. He loved me no matter what.
Your insight to the ended relationship was soooooo on traget. It does feel like a death and and i am always thinking “What if…? and everything else you mentioned.
Anir…I really am a good person or at least i try. I hurt , cry laugh etc like everybody else. But no one see’s that. They feel i am too tough and strong of a person ( I’ve been told). This is me!!
oh! believe me i cry. I know it’s good for the soul and i feel better when i do, if that makes sense.
YES! Life does suck sometimes.
Thanks sooooo much for your thoughts
I used to be the strong person who cried and nobody ever knew, not my friends or family.I spent years living like this. When I finnaly got out it hurt like hell. I joined a matchmaker where I dated a few guys where nothing special was happing the met the most amazing man. The first yr I cried a lot and did a lot of yelling ,which he stuck though and we just had are 7th anniversy.Will keep you in our prayers, just remember tha tyou are a good person and you will come out of this but as Dr she said see your docotor please
sorry to hear your in such a dark spot right now. Do you have any vaction time that you could use and visit your kids? Maybe if you do while there maybe look for a new job if its possible to maybe relocate. sometimes a whole new start will help.will keep you in our prayers
Hi Flowermom,
I am planning to go visit my kids for Thanksgiving and maybe at the same time look into a job and a place to live near my kids and my first grandson. He is so awesome!
Thanks………
isnt it amazing what just the thought of what GRANDKIDS can do for you, ours live about 4 1/2 hours away. My kids are in the process of divorce and so its hard to talk to anyone just so I can keep in touch. Enjoy the visit.
THATS WONGERFUL NEWS….JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU THAT…..
go to the shelter and get another dog. There are so many that need a warm heart.
You are probably more heartbroken about the love you have lost, and that takes time to heal. However, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. DO NOT quit your job, times are hard to find another. Treat it for what it is, a job.
Suicide is not the answer. It will hurt a lot of other people. Meditate, pray, read a lot and get out there and do some walking. You will not believe the power of nature. Do not LOCK yourself in the house. Even going to the beach with a good book and sitting across the ocean is heaven sent. I pick the beach because i live in SoFlo but it can be a park, a lake, any place where there is a lot of people. A dog will do you good because you will have to walk it. And it gives you unconditional love. This too will pass, just give it time.
May the Lord be with you today and always.
Hi Lynnette,
I can’t get another dog. As i stated i am not home much to leave a dog home alone. It would not be fair. Though i have thought about volunteering at a animal shelter. Will look into that again.
Your right, it is a job and i will treat it as one. I put too much in it and get nothing out of it. I always think about something i heard before though. If you get a job you love, It is not a job but something you love doing. I need that!
As for going to the beach with a good book and sitting across the ocean is heaven sent. I DO that and it is exactly what you say. I get lost in that feeling. I love doing that and try to do that as much as i can. Then i come home to loneliness.
May the lord be with you too. Thanks……..
Volunteering at an animal shelter is a wonderful idea!
You are stuck in a downward depression. See your doctor again. There are antidepressants out there that don’t have horrible side effects. Effexor for one. Also find someone to talk with…whatever the choice. Once the antidepressants help level out the chemical imbalance, you can start to address the issues. It is the imbalance that is making everything seem hopeless. This can be managed and you can start feeling better. See you doctor again and talk talk talk……
I know i am in a downward depression. The last time i saw my doctor i had her decrease the anti-depressants cos i was doing so much better and she was so proud of me. I don’t want to go back and show her i failed. I understand about the chemical imbalance and i am trying to get that under control. I’m doing ok but there are days when i’m not and i know i will have those days. It’s just so hard trying to do this by myself and i am too proud to ask for help. Everyone i know see’s me as a strong person, especially my kids.
You’re deep in depression, and that’s not something you can fix on your own. There is no-cost or low-cost therapy available. Your doctor can refer you, but you have to tell him/her the whole truth about how you feel, your suicidal thoughts, and the effects of the anti-depressant you tried. As others are saying, there are many different anti-depressants, and you’ll feel much better when you get on the right one. As hard as it seems right now, you owe it to yourself and your family to get help. Please.
i see that you live in Florida, if you live near pembroke pines we may go to the beach together
HI TAYLOR,HAVE YOU EVER TRIED OPENING UP TO YOUR CHILDREN,AND LETTING THEM BE THERE FOR YOU RIGHT NOW IN YOUR TIME OF NEED?YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN YOUR FEELINGS,BELIEVE ME,I HAVE BEEN THERE MYSELF….I ALSO TOOK ANTI-DEPRESSANTS,ACTUALLY FOR YEARS,ON AND OFF…I DID NOT LIKE THE SIDE EFFECTS EITHER…THERE ARE SUPPORT GROUPS THAT YOU CAN JOIN FOR FREE…TRY LOCATING ONE IN YOUR AREA…ALSO,THERE ARE THEREPISTS AND PHYCIATRISTS WHO WORK ON A SLIDING SCALE….IT DOES HURT ALOT WHEN YOU HAVE BROKEN TIES WITH FAMILY,I HAVE BEEN THERE TOO IN MY LIFE…I’M SORRY FOR THE LOSS OF YOUR DOG,PETS LOVE US UNCONDITIONALLY…TRY CALLING SOCIAL SERVICES TO DIRECT YOU TO THE RIGHT PLACE SO YOU CAN JOIN A SUPPORT GROUP,ANDGET THE HELP YOU NEED NOW…..I WILL KEEP YOU IN MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS….BY POSTING THIS,YOU JUST HELPED YOURSELF,AND WE ARE ALL LISTENING ,AND ALOT OF US HAVE HAD THE SAME EXPERIANCES..THIS IN ITSELF IS GOOD THEREPY.TAKE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME,YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS…STIZZY
With meds the start-up side effects usually suside. People often have to try different ones, which can take time.
Multiple losses are very hard, and I’ve ha them too. I did a very inexpensive divorce recovery group (uh, twice) through a church but it was not religious at all. It was packed; once a week for 8-10 weeks. The kleenex was abundant, as were my tears. It wasn’t just for “marrieds,” but for anyone ending a relationship, very helpful. the presbyterians around here let the group meet there.
Community Mental Health here has good therapists and good psychiatrists. Sliding scale too there and also private practice people. You don’t have mental health benefits on health ins. thru work?
It’s good you can still go to work. Keep looking for help — and btw, our Humane Society is a haven for me at times as a volunteer — being a greeter, helping with cleaning, dog walking…
Losses hurt. Your feelings matter. So do you.
your right about side effects subsiding with anti-depressants,and it usually takes about seven tries to get the right one…for me,it just did’nt seem to take,i guess i dont care for them,but i realize that many people need them in some point in there lives….i went through two divorces also,and joined a similair group.it does help alot…i liked what you had to say,and i hope taylor reads our responses…you sound like a wonderful women……stizzy
Hi again Taylor,
Just got feedback from your original post and reread some of the responses you got and saw a glimpse of what you ‘took’ from them.
I was also going through a rough patch when I started here on VN and had no one to turn to since my family and friends had heard my stories so many times, they thought I was O.K. with them and didn’t have any other advice to give me. I needed something else and came looking for it here. Although I know I will never find the answers to all my questions, I have found great support, understanding, and advice. As I often say, everyone is different, so I took the advice from here that matched my beliefs, my values, situation etc. Sometimes there are opinions here that I don’t agree with or find will not help me in what I need, but all that I have read here is a hand reaching out to help, and I have taken more of these helping hands then people can ever imagine without their knowing it and my not being able to express all of the gratitude I feel. And I am one who writes a lot most of the time. Very often, I will only click on the love icon for lack of words.
You might feel as if you are alone and think that this is just the internet etc. It is not. It is a community of loving, caring women. Some of whoom have been there done that and have the T-shirt tatood onto their backs! This site has reinforced what I have always known; there are wonderfull people out there, some are well hidden, but they are out there.
Be strong!
Smile
!
anir
anir,just read your response to taylor…you are so right,this is more than just the internet..there are alot of incredably caring women on here who have been there,done that,and have had their lives turned upside down at some point in their lives…i a’m one of those women….i’m still new to vibrant nation,but i a;m so happy to be here now…..i hope taylor does read these posts,and lets us all know how she is doing….what a grea post…take care….stizzy
Please, don’t throw out the antidepressants! Sometimes it takes awhile to get the good effects. YOU need something and meds can really make a difference. It sounds situational but there is light out there but you may need a little chemical push to get you going. Also, there are mental health facilities that offer Free and reduced rates. Find someone to help you. Call your local clinic or ER and ask for assistance.They will know where to get you help. Depression is a dangerous thing as it sucks you in. Fight for your life-it is a beautiful thing!!!!!
So right pg58,
I know I have been mostly putting emphasis on the emotional help that can be had out there, for the help to be effective you also need to take care of your physical health and anti-depressents will be of great help here. They will help you relax so that your body gets the sleep it needs and as a friend who went through a depression once told me, the meds helped the fog and the darkness lift just enough so she could grasp the information that people around her were trying to convey. Helped her to concentrate on what she needed to do.
anir
Helping others less fortunate than myself makes me realize I am not the only one suffering. Finding gratitude and listing what is good in my life shows me I am not without. Helping an elderly person, offering them my time and friendship, make me grateful for my health. Giving an exhausted mom an hour to herself by watching her kids helps me appreciate the quiet time I do have. Getting the sun on my face for 20 mins a day is a life saver and mood booster for me…I need those vitamins that you cannot get any other way. Listening to kiddos laugh in the park helps me regain my joy. I have to list these things and be pro-active in doing them regularly…along with walking to clear my head and exercise the body. Light cancels out darkness…fill your heart with comedies, positive friendships, spiritual guidance, the beauty of nature, and love yourself !!
Hi! weezy8150. I love your response too. I have thought about helping others anyway i can but where do i start? I am not familiar with the city i live in so i don’t know where to start. My doctor is sooo busy that i’m lucky if i can get 10 minutes with her. Is there any other way to look?
The anti depressants take a while to “kick in”. Did you give the side effects time to subside? (It took me about 2-3 weeks to feel ok on them). I also began a daily “gratitude journal”. At first I had trouble listing more than 2 things to be grateful for. Now I am able to recognize so many other things to be grateful for. When I am out in public, I smile at everyone I meet, someone out there feels worse than I do. I returned to church and am developing a new “church family”. Do small positive behaviors and be consistent. Best Wishes.
Hi P-Dale,
I like your repsonse and i am going to try and do the things you mention. I already thank god for all the good things in my life and i am fortunate but sometimes i feel all that i have means nothing when i don;t have someone to share it with, like GOOD friends, my family and a significant other. I try to laugh as much as possible. There is just so much one can do alone. But i will keep everything you said in mind. Thanks
hi taylor….i a’m so glad that you posted a response,it lets us all know how you are doing…..god bless you…stizzy
Taylor,
You can only deal with one day at a time. Don’t think about tomorrow, focus on what you can do today. Then keep going from there.
Lots and Lots of Hugs.
anir
Taylor, sounds like you are on the right track. I found that helping others not only distracted me from my own concerns, but also attracted good people and events into my life. Keep putting one positive foot in front of the other each day. God Bless.