Leaving my husband Most Liked Hot Conversation

My husband and I have been married for 25 years but having our ‘big anniversary’ last year seemed to me like a farce.

The entire time I was feeling like I was being so dishonest with everyone because I’m just not in love with him any more.

We tried couples councelling and I while I admit that maybe I could have tried harder, it just wasn’t working and to while pushing forward may have brought everything to a boil and given me that “That’s it – it’s over” moment to leave – I just kept thinking about all the pain that would cause.

I have a bit of a “story” but I really do try not to wear it around like some kind of flag but it’s probably a little relavent.

I’m 52 years old.  When I was 49 I was diagnosed with aggressive Breast Cancer.  I had the lump removed, chemo, radiation etc.  A month after I finished my treatment my mother (who lived in an appartment in our house) died of an undiagnosed cancer – even though she had been getting gradually sicker – it still seemed ‘sudden’ to us.  About a year later I had a total mastectomy.  It wasn’t medically required but it was sanity required – I’ve since been reconstructed and have 2 reasonable facimilies of the originals – slightly smaller, much more perky.  That was a year ago.

We have 3 children, 18, 14 and 10 who live with us,

He was in a car accident just under 10 years ago that left him with perminant injuries to his neck and shoulders and is on disability and has chronic debilitating pain – and he suffers from depression.

So, this is my package and I just am not in love with him any more but I am too lazy, to selfish to shake the fence I’ve been sitting on.

Every now and again I think, this isn’t so bad, I could just hang out here and do this marriage thing for another 10 years until all the kids are gone and then deal with it.


I’ve been writing a blog.  I totally want to re-invent my life but I don’t really want to share it all with anyone I know… except my sister.. because everyone I know is everyone he knows and that just doesn’t seem right.

He’s gone on a vacation to a warm climate right now for a few months – longest he’s ever been gone (only a week so far) and I’m looking at it like a “practical” trial separation… can I do this alone – just the practical stuff.

Have I lost my mind?

I’m not even sure I’m making sense – (trying to write in this little tiny window isn’t helping – next time I’ll write it first, then paste it in.

I thought maybe sharing here, I’d find some people in the same place, or people who had been in the same place and came out on the other side to talk to about this.

Thanks for reading.

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Posted in family & relationships.

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63 Responses

  1. Generic Image Darcy09 says

    Dear God!!! the vows were written by a man (and a self-serving one obviously).  The background way back them was for women to be subservient to men.  Really?? And we are still advancing at slightly more than a glacial pace.  Stay?? and what for?? what are her perks??
    On another point.  please please stop modelling this whipped puppy archetype for the children.  Has anyone given any thought  to what is the character I am modelling in my relationship for my children.  yeach!! They now have a complete view of how to be a long-suffering spouse, they have (likely) learned how to survive in a loveless marriage.  Get them to a counsellor or keep in very close touch with them as to who they are hanging out with, what are these other kids like.  Are the children involved in sport are they loners looking on the outside because the modelled communication skills were incomplete at best.
    There are things far worse they being alone and old — because there are so many of us.  I once heard three “grannies” in a seniors home all, they were laughing and talking about husbands and how glad they were to be rid of him.
    Sleeping with him for Room, Utilities, and Groceries is not too dissimilar than hooking, same RUG — different pay.  There too it is loveless.  Find your self-esteem and devote time/meditation/exercise/prayer to guide you to a feeling deserving of — oh — let’s start with love, respect, affection, concern…. Does not really matter which one you choose.

    18 like

  2. Shakti Shakti says

    I just wanted to say that I left a comment earlier saying I was waiting for 3 years? I didn’t wait. I left the marriage. It all turned out better than I ever thought it would. I am out. The separation agreement has been filed. I am happy, the kids are happy.  I have done a LOT of work around the house that needed doing in the past month. But the best part is.. my pain disappeared. I had been in terrible pain for years that I thought was fibromyalgia. My sister told me at one point she thought it might be related to my having to deal with the stress of my marriage. She was right. I immediately lost 5 pounds, all in my stomach… where the cortisol from stress had been making me fat.. and my pain levels diminished DRAMATICALLY. I sleep better, I wake up and I’m not in excruciating pain, I can walk without hobbling! I also gave up alcohol. No cravings for it anymore. And I have started eating better and I am exercising.  I feel like  a new person! It was TOTALLY WORTH THE PAIN of separation! He threw the separation agreement at me on May 21. He moved out June 2. I have been happy. I AM HAPPY. WILL NEVER GET MARRIED AGAIN!!!!!

    38 like

  3. Generic Image MarMar says

    Geez, that’s a lot of unhappy. Are you happy with other aspects of your life?

    2 like

  4. Generic Image Anonymous says

    I was married as long as you but I had the “phony” feeling staying when I really didn’t want to be there. I tried to convince myself it wasn’t so bad or I needed to stay for my kids (keep the family together, you know?). The longer I stayed, the worse I felt. I felt like I was selling my soul.
    It was hard, still is. My youngest is just 14 now. It is worth it though.
    I haven’t made any more big changes in life but I’ve been thinking a lot lately (fantasies of running away, lol). I, as you put it, want to reinvent as well, just not knowing where to start. Feeling guilty that I don’t want to talk to anyone too close to me about it. I was starting to wonder if I there was something wrong that I feel kind of secretive about it. Thank you for putting those words out there.

    11 like

  5. Generic Image JustB says

    Well my question for life interrupted is how a guy who is suffering with disabling pain able to pick up and go to a warm sunny climate….for how long?  Months? 

    I know a little bit about chronic pain…and can tell you that much of your life is spent keeping it under control….traveling?  Hard to do…by car or plane…he must be on some really good meds…airports in the Caribbean are brutal…brutallll…

    I can see where depression would come from…..I do not take strong meds…mine is barely stronger than motrin because I don’t wish to bring on other issues….my ankle is my achilles heel at present…but have known people with neck pain…that is not a fun area to gnaw at you…

    I guess the extended vaca would put me totally over the edge….I am insecure in that way…and wonder if in your thoughts you have considered there to be more to his story….

    I have never understood why long time married couples have parties to celebrate anniversaries….it’s likd advertising you have not seen anyone else naked in 40 yrs….embarrassing….not to mention why does anyone care how long I put up with the misery….they were probably all thinking behind closed doors you two despise each other like all married couples do over 15 yrs….

    You need a vaca when he drags his butt back…be good to yourself

    4 like

  6. Generic Image Rebecca B says

    You haven’t said what your husband does wrong or how he bothers you, it’s just that you “don’t love him anymore.” You mentioned your breast cancer and breast reconstruction…does he reject you or treat you differently in any way, now that you have had the surgery? Again, there is no detail on anything he’s done wrong to upset your relationship.
    Let’s see…he had a serious automobile accident 10 years ago which left him with permanent injuries and debilitating pain…I can certainly see why he’s depressed. I was bedridden with illness for 10 years with extreme pain and deep depression.  Thank God my husband didn’t leave.  We had a rocky marriage for quite some time, for obvious reasons, but thanks to God and lots of prayer, we made it through.  It’s now been 30 years together, and I’m very blessed that we stuck together until things improved. Our love has grown deeper because we made it through the hard times.
    I believe that “love” is a verb, and that you can take action to care for someone else until you do feel the feelings return.  That happened for us. Have you tried to care about your husband’s situation and his physical and emotional pain?  It sounds like your husband’s only shortcoming is his own debilitating pain and depression. Do you have empathy for his situation and he for yours? There are many moments (and sometimes weeks or months during a marriage when you don’t feel “in love,” but that doesn’t make for a throw-away relationship.)
    You said yourself that you didn’t try very hard in marriage counseling, and that you were perhaps too “lazy and selfish” (your words) to leave him.
    After many caring women left multiple responses to your problem/situation, you haven’t taken the time to let people know your status…or to thank anyone for their responses.
    Do you think it’s possible your husband–and your relationship–both deserve another chance?

    20 like

  7. Re Re says

    I think that waiting to make life better is a sad choice. However studies have shown about 60 percent of women who leave wish they would have tried harder. Maybe being in love is what you miss and the safe feeling you have now makes you miss that? The kids will hurt and it could hurt more than you expect.
    I wish you well but its not going to be easy to walk away. There are all those roots you dont see until you start pulling them up. LOL just realized this was years ago!!! So what happened????

    4 like

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