My husband and I have been married for 25 years but having our ‘big anniversary’ last year seemed to me like a farce.
The entire time I was feeling like I was being so dishonest with everyone because I’m just not in love with him any more.
We tried couples councelling and I while I admit that maybe I could have tried harder, it just wasn’t working and to while pushing forward may have brought everything to a boil and given me that “That’s it – it’s over” moment to leave – I just kept thinking about all the pain that would cause.
I have a bit of a “story” but I really do try not to wear it around like some kind of flag but it’s probably a little relavent.
I’m 52 years old. When I was 49 I was diagnosed with aggressive Breast Cancer. I had the lump removed, chemo, radiation etc. A month after I finished my treatment my mother (who lived in an appartment in our house) died of an undiagnosed cancer – even though she had been getting gradually sicker – it still seemed ‘sudden’ to us. About a year later I had a total mastectomy. It wasn’t medically required but it was sanity required – I’ve since been reconstructed and have 2 reasonable facimilies of the originals – slightly smaller, much more perky. That was a year ago.
We have 3 children, 18, 14 and 10 who live with us,
He was in a car accident just under 10 years ago that left him with perminant injuries to his neck and shoulders and is on disability and has chronic debilitating pain – and he suffers from depression.
So, this is my package and I just am not in love with him any more but I am too lazy, to selfish to shake the fence I’ve been sitting on.
Every now and again I think, this isn’t so bad, I could just hang out here and do this marriage thing for another 10 years until all the kids are gone and then deal with it.
I’ve been writing a blog. I totally want to re-invent my life but I don’t really want to share it all with anyone I know… except my sister.. because everyone I know is everyone he knows and that just doesn’t seem right.
He’s gone on a vacation to a warm climate right now for a few months – longest he’s ever been gone (only a week so far) and I’m looking at it like a “practical” trial separation… can I do this alone – just the practical stuff.
Have I lost my mind?
I’m not even sure I’m making sense – (trying to write in this little tiny window isn’t helping – next time I’ll write it first, then paste it in.
I thought maybe sharing here, I’d find some people in the same place, or people who had been in the same place and came out on the other side to talk to about this.
Thanks for reading.