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What is the appropriate age a child should move out?
My boyfriend thinks 18 or out of high school. I feel it depends on the circumstances – whether they have a place to move, or a job, or if they’re in college, they may not be able to move away from home.
My son is only 14 and my boyfriend is counting the days until my son is 18…but my child is welcome in my home.
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I totally agree with She Cat. The man is an abusive control freak and things will only get worse if you stay.I think Freud would have at least an essay on this "ugly ugly vagina" statement. Is it a representation of rejection of female self, is it a representation of rejection of mother, what are all the underlying statements?
For those of you who love aI do not know what "love them enough" means. Thought love was love. Send them compassion for the (usually terrible) place they are in, and move on. It has nothing to do with you, they just blame everyone who happens to be close. Just relax, l
Hi Bonnie,
Hi Bonnie,
Girl, don't lose hope. Maybe there will be someone in those two merged churches, there just might be someone there who catches your eye, eh? Stay hopeful.
Sending love to ANYONE will make YOU feel better. It is not about condoning the actions of someone who is clearly bent on destruction, or the terrorists in the Boston bombing or anyone who would take away life or liberty of others. I wonder if any
oh oh, that doesn’t sound good. What’s going to happen when he turns 18 and is not ready to leave? What would be your position?
Well, I have an opinion…..For me, …I didn’t give birth to my children to throw them out the door at 18. Or, 19, 20 etc. They are my children for life…and I will always act in their best interest…. Especially if their behavior is good, and they are going on to college or need housing while they pursue a job and start their independent lives…. If I had a boy friend, or even a husband that thought differently….there would be a problem….with Them! I think you really have to work this out before your child turns 18….best wishes! =]
Does your boyfriend have kids and if so what’s his relationship with them like?
yes he does but there adults and his daughter moved in and out with there mother but she wanted to be out on her ,is children or 28 and 31 years old but i know they did live with there mom and there dad off and on way after 18, they always had a job and were responsable kids, I know my son wants a job as soon as he turnms 16 as far as i’m concern he can live at home if there is no problems and he isn;t being a dead beat, i love my kids i am disable and my son wants to stay home, he thinks he neeeds to care for me i told him he has to have a life of his own, i would never let him be homeless if he is trying to make something of hims life and i’, sure he will. , i left hime after high scholol but most people did back then but times have changed and times are hard who knows what tomorrow will bring;
YOU decide when it’s time for YOUR son to leave home! Your boyfriend is putting pressure on you, why? Does he not get along with your son?
Bad situation you’re in, do whatever your heart tells you to do, you can’t go wrong doing that! Good Luck.
Since your son is only 14, you and your boyfriend have time to really, really discuss this issue. Bottom line: the decision is yours and your son’s. We are actually meant to raise our children to be independent, but independent isn’t an age and does depend on many circumstances, most of which are not within anyone’s control.
If you and your boyfriend can’t discuss it logically and openly, it may be time for joint counseling. ♥
This is soooo simple — throw the boyfriend out — !!! Where does he come off telling you and your son the parameters of your relationship??? He may have a problem regarding his own independence — don’t let it become yours.
My son (22) and daughter (18) still live at home. The do not have full-time jobs and would not be able to financially support themselves if they left home. They are no trouble – They do their own washing etc…and appreciate us!
Betz, I think this is a two part issue…. 1. Why do we as Parents no longer push our children to be responsible working and self sustaining individuals? Growing up there was never a question of IF we could stay. Of course we could, it just was not implied and the only conversation was about getting a job, going to school and becoming responsible individuals. Sure it was scary but we knew it was coming and prepared for it. My first paid job was at 16 and work was expected, hours for minimum wage. It was hard, it was long, yet we appreciated what we accomplished and could buy. Not so much in this generation of young adults! They expect us to pay their bills, provide their gas money, do their laundry and buy their food all while they run around party with their friends and say that what they need is greater than the needs of their aging Parents. Our society of young adults are verbally and abusive to their elders and NOT setting a good example for the younger children.
2. I divorced and remarried when my kids were young. Life was sometimes very hard with the new male figure in the family and many times I found myself between those that I loved and not able to solve the differences or find a mid point to peace. I hated it. Many years went by good times and bad and there were many conversations of how to get along. Then the kids grew up, went their own ways and later so did my marriage. It was after all that time that the truth came out… the problem in my family wasn’t the kids, it was the man I married. I can’t tell you how sad it was to realize that we struggled all those years and the real problem was him. My advice… follow your gut. Listen to your spirit, you can find another man. You will never find another child.
It’s hard knowing when to push the kids and dish out tuff love and when to stand with the new man in your life. I truly wish you the very best.
Your Boyfriend could also be working towards isolating you in the long run, if you are disabled, that would leave you very reliant on him.. I have 2 stepkids, 22 and 23, the 23 yr old is living with us, working full time and paying board.. Honestly, i do look to the time when we have the houe back to ourselves
(married 8 yrs, my daughter long married and left home so i became a stepmom – of which the kids had initially spent time with their mother too, but now just with us)
the Stepson is in Uni… 5th yr and home WITH the girlfriend this summer…
We just put down RULES>.. for them to follow, and to be honest sometimes i get frustrated and a bit angry, but you can feel that way about your spouse too LOL>>>>
I do NOT think you should kick your kid out at 18 and anyone who tells you that he figures thats the way its going to be is trying to Control….
No 18 year old cn support themselves… at 18, they wont be thru a univerity or college education, and even if they were, they cant just get a job for 50K / yr….
When i decided to say ” I do ” .. i knew that i’d be a stepmom and knew it would have its trying times…
Sounds like he never actually raised his own kids in they way he expects you to “they moved in and out”……
Stick to your guns… but duke this out now, dont “waste” 4 more years hoping he’ll change his mind, and then he leaves, if you dont give in…
Be Strong !!
L
add to above, even tho i do look forward to the time we have the house “back”… i wouldnt kick them out……. Well i do believe there is an age where they SHOULD want to leave home.. like 25 or so…
I do believe in charging room and board if they are working full time, and having them do their own laundry, cleaning etc… for if you are their servant.. they have no reason to leave….
L
imho
Okay so what’s wrong with my kids? I have a 28, 26 and 23 year old still living at home!
Needless to say, It puts a big cramp in my lifestyle. I want them to move out and I know they do too, but they can’t afford to move out. Sadly, the only board we get is occasionally from 1 daughter- and that is supposed to be $20 a week…we hardly get that!! I never thought at their age , my husband and I would still be supporting them…
While I completely agree that our children are our children forever, and require a safety net and lots of love now and then, I do feel strongly that good parenting is “helping a child out of your life and into their own life.” This means that there comes a time when we cease cooking every meal for them and teach them how to cook, we stop doing their laundry and teach them how to do laundry, we stop driving them around and help them get their driver’s license, etc. etc. etc. Putting a definitive age on maturity is a bit unfair, some teens do grow and mature faster than others. A better age i feel would be somewhere around 21 – 23 years. If one is allowed to drink alcohol legally in our culture then one is getting mature enough to figure out how to live alone in an apartment (perhaps with a roommate) and create a meaningful life, sans parents. Too much rescuing and too much interference can lead to enabling a child staying a child. Not allowing them to take on the learning, lessons, and falls that come with adulthood is not a way to allow growth and maturity. Way back in my day, 18 was the standard age for leaving home, but today with the inflated expense of living and the job market (throughout the entire globe) it just may not be feasible.
your post could have been page two to mine…=] I agree about “helping a child out of your life, and into their own” When mine still lived at home, the daughter going to school, working and getting ready for her wedding, and my son home from the military and looking for a job, …..they did their own laundry and some of their own cooking….I did not clean up after them….They wanted to get on with their own and live their life, we were the helpful hand along the way…=]
I didn’t move out until I was 26 y.o. and my mom wasn’t really thrilled about it even then. I just realized that it was time for me to have my own space. As far my kids and stepkids, hubby has “encouraged” each of them to go to school and live on campus, active duty military or find employment so that they could support themselves. Well, five of them went about this in various ways. One went directly into the military. Two came back home temporarily after hitting hard times in school or financially. We now have a 16 y.o. who has seen all that her brothers and sisters have gone through with their lack of planning leading to lack of options. Last year, I would not have been a proponent of her leaving home after HS graduation. But during her junior year, I saw a level of maturity emerge. I would definitely be comfortable with her being on her own–not too far away, though, LOL! But I would be fine with her being at home, as long as she was working full-time (and maybe an extra PT job too depending on her earnings) and stashing a lot of cash for the future, going to the local community college AND working–basically not relaxing around the house and socializing a lot.
All that to say–IT DEPENDS.
OK. I may be off base so please forgive me for being blunt.
Are you nuts? There is an ongoing discussion about when you will be able to kick a, currently 14 year old, child out??? What the heck is really going on?
Is this a demon child causing all kinds of havoc in your lives? Is he rude, disrespectful and abusive to this man? Who owns the house, you or the boyfriend? Is the boyfriend calling the shots because you are the live-in/guest?
Hopefully your son is going to go to school/college after he graduates. But even if he does not, even if he had a full time job, even if he was ‘mature’ for his age, I think 18 is too young to live on your own.
Too many preditors. Sexual, financial, emotional, drugs…
Most 18 year olds can’t REALLY budget, plan or understand real consequenses.
Most 18 year olds need a skill (nursing, plumbing, electrical, HVAC…something) or they will be in poverty for the rest of their lives. Does your son have a skill?
He will just have started driving. (Scary enough) Boys are more prone to fatalites and accidents than girls. Don’t you want him under your wing/influence for a few more years? Does he have a car..insurance…?
He won’t have held a full time job because of school. Is he ready for that? Can he get up on his own every morning and go no matter what?
18 is a good age to take on more responsibilityand have fewer or less restricive rules. If you are not going to school, sure you should get a job, save money, contribute more to the household…
What 18 year old can pay for a car, insurance, clothes, food, health care, phone, rent…?
I could go on and on. But why set him up to fail? It could ruin your relationship with him and cause a lifetime of problems.
And consider the consequenses. If he fails or loses his job, what then? Does he get to move back in? If not, does he he turn to stealing, drugs, prostitution or crime?
I don’t know if you are living with your boyfriend (and that is why he is giving the ultimatum) or if he is living with you. Maybe this needs to change.
Bottom line. This is YOUR child. YOUR responsiblity. And YOUR DECISION. 100%. You need to do what is best for your child, not what is best for you or your boyfriend.
Good luck to all of you!
So many variables go into this and IMNSHO it is between you and your child. If your boyfriend were your spouse it would be an entirely different matter. There’s school, is the child working, does he/she have disabilities or maybe not mature enough emotionally to go out on their own
Anyway, our children aren’t throw away toys, we’ve used them up, now send them packing. You have to evaluate the whole situation and decide what is best for you and your child. Is he planning on going to college, one near you?
We’ve told our son if he goes to he sate here in town he can live at home and we’ll support his meals, clothing. I can’t afford him living on caampu So, he can stay at home as long as he’s in school, or working paying rent and helping with chores and he’s single. I will not live in home with him if he’s married, won’t live with another woman.
Jjne
Sorry my post is such a mess, shouldn’t post after minor surgery while eating a popsicle, LOL.
Seriously, I meant spouse as in your husband and the child’s father. Keep in mind, not all children are ready to leave the nest at 18 while some are ready to leave at 15. It all depends on a persons emotional maturity. Our society makes up rules about what is considered adult, what is considered child and, like everything else it doesn’t work for everyone.
And what are your needs, is your boyfriend taking your needs into consideration? Look at the whole picture. Talk to your son, find out what his plans are, how he intends to be a part of the family. Does your boyfriend expect to just throw him out no matter his circumstances? Your boyfriend’s attitude would be sending up all sorts of red flags for me.
And Sandy, I disagree, I think we do push our kids to be independent but much to soon. We live in a different world. 100 – 200 years ago boys would be out working as apprentice at 15 or in college but, we are not set up that way anymore. I wish they would get rid of highschool and send kids to college at 15, they would mature faster. But we don’t and the way our society is set up our kids aren’t ready to be independent at 18 yet we push, push, push for them to be ready an we are not giving them the tools to do just that.
My son will always have a place to live with me as long as his behavior is good and he follows rules , hopefully he will choose to go to colledge and get a good job, My boyfriend has moved out by my request and things at home are running smooth. my son seems happy, but he has to follow my rules now. 18 is too young and i hope he will always want and need his mom in his life.I’, still seeing my boyfriend on the weekends and so far that is working well. i just needed some space and to see what really mattered in my life, i’m finally making a smart decision, as far as mmy son goes and with a man in my life. this living arangement may be for the best