Just told my husband that I wanted out and wanted at divorce. Wow!!!!! don’t know whether I’m crying because I am upset, or whether it be from exhaustion, or because I’m relived that it is over and the words are out now.
Been married for 34 years this coming June and it’s been hell the past several years. There is nothing left in this marriage and to be honest there never has been since day one. It was a marriage of quickness (6 months to be exact) but not of necessity. Only reason I stayed is because of our son. I knew he needed a father and then it was out of needing a place to live. I know I should have done it much sooner and my goal is to be gone by fall, but don’t know even if that will work like I want it. I know some of you will say I’m crazy for staying, but am pretty much a loner, and know that he won’t hurt me or even attempt to stop me. We both need this as much as the other person. I have no place to go, as I am not ready to expose my son to this as of yet, or do I have family in which to stay with during this time. I have found a male friend whom I want to spend time with and he has yet to tell his wife of his feelings.He is also out of state and I need to be visiting and looking for a place to stay and being able to transfer in the company that I work for. I know this is all crazy and mixed up. As, you all say in your posts that time will heal all and that it will take time for us to get used to the idea of not having to deal with marriage any longer.
I just recently found this web site and what a powerful website it is. I had no idea that there was so much dissolution with marriages out there with the 50+ ages. It has opened my eyes and heart to knowing that there are others out there going through the same thing. Now, I know over the next couple of months to the year it will be hard to get used to, but I have become very independent so this shouldn’t be hard at all, other than the financing to be able to live. Oh, why do we need that dang money? LOL
Thanks for listening, just needed a sounding board to get it off my chest.
Shirley -Unfortunately we don't have control over others decisions. From what I have read, you are in the beginning of your relationship with this man. Although 8 months is time enough to sort through feelings, I'm not sure you should take him exactl
Hello old lady2,and JKL..... my location is 1/4 mile out of Sun River Oregon, Bend is the town. It is a ski, area in the winter, which may or may not be a down side. There are many older people that cross country, ski, and snowmobile. In the win
Loved your poem and will share with my yoga class tonight!
Hi Nature_lover,
I understand where you’re coming from. I ended a 26 (closer to 27) year marriage over two years ago. No other romantic interests, it was just that the love wasn’t there anymore. At least on my part. That final decision that it was not worth my staying with this man was very liberating. Expect to also go through some grieving, then some more grieving, on top of the financial stress and other problems that will arise, i.e., your sons’ reaction as well as the rest of the people you know, the new relationship you’re attempting.
I went to the library and borrowed every book I could on divorce, seperation etc. These helped a lot. A few I read through, others I skimed. I am also a loner.
Lately, reading posts on this site has helped a lot. It is comforting to know that you are not alone. A lot of us are out there. I sometimes think we find a man to have children, and once they are all grown up, we can leave. Marriage is actually a work in progress, according to the marriage counsellor we had for 2 years, I guess the work we put in ours did not pay off, and it was too broken by the time we wanted to fix it.. It took a few years, but we are both actually both beter off now. Emotionnnally I mean. The money will always be tight for me, but that’s O.K. It is worth it.
Welcome, and I hope you find what you want out of life. After all you only have one, and it is yours to do what you want with it.
Good Luck!
anir
Thanks for the words of support. I look forward to the challenge and I know both of us will grow from this experience, and know that the road ahead is going to be rough with many many tears to shed.
I look forward to finding want I want out of life and all that it has to offer.
oops i do not know how i ended up all the way uphere, this is for NatureLover
the main question is… did u get the courage to leave because you feel you have the love and support of this other man and because he has assured u that he will leave his wife? MEN LIE and even when they don’t lie, let’s be optimistic and say that he is willing, sometimes they do not have the courage to leave “the family” and half of their belongings. By now i guess this man has children and grandchildren, and the latter sometimes is more threatening to him than the wife. I met a very nice man that told me that. He also admired his wife although the passion was gone. She was a nice lady, with her own money and was very generous and compassionate. Donated her time to help the poor and even made curtains and stuff for people that were moving from shelters to their own home. He had mostly daughters and one son, who were very well educated and loved their parents a lot although all of them were married and had children, living somewhere else. But u see, that was what he loved, his family, the sex he can have anywhere else, so he said. What ended happening w/this man, i do not know, he was from the northeast and i moved south. So leave your husband because u want to, not because you found the old love of your life…. that is a dream that can shatter (sp).
You’re very brave, and among a growing number of women who have settled for too long. I’m not sure why we have allowed our husbands to let us feel this way. I approached my husband with my discontent and loneliness and he was shocked, then hurt, then silent. We talked, only because I pressed the issues. Now he thinks things are back to ‘normal’. I was layed off early this year. Maybe that’s why this happened. So much time to witness what has happened to us. I’m searching for the next step. I guess it’s looking for a job and being able to be independent again. I long for that. At 58 it’s pretty scary. Good luck!
oh your words say it all!!!!! what is going on with the husbands? they get comfortable and don’t want their life to change..they want to be the center of our universe… same thing is happening to us…soon i hope my situation will be different…
I have have had the same problem for years. The state of our union is only discussed if I bring it up. He never brings anything up on his own. He leaves it up to me. So I have decided to get a divorce. I only stayed with him because of the kids. I told him back in the fall that I no longer want to be married. He has yet to bring up the topic himself. I think he’s part ostrich.
Hurray for you…You are very brave and strong..I will be going down this same road in about 2 months…I am 55 and have a decent job…No children…no other male friends… I have been married for almost 23 years and the marriage is loveless and sexless….life if too short…i respect my husband, but the love and passion are gone and I need it… So, i will be praying for you and your new life and good luck….
best of luck to you and your future. I look forward to the challenge and standing up for myself. Just over the course of the past month looking over my finances, I’ve discovered who I am and what I need to do to get where I need to be to move on. Yes, there is another man, but I’ve told him that we will take as long as we need to get to where we need to be. He lives out of state so will only be seeing him about once a month, but look forward to that also.
Okay, here comes the never married know-it-all.
Nature_lo are you in a pact with the other man in which you both have agreed to leave your spouses in order to be together? That is the impression I’m getting from your post. You also mention that your friend has not yet had the talk with his wife.
What happens if you divorce and your friend gets cold feet and decides to remain in his marriage? Would you be content being the other woman, after having given up your way of life to move closer to him? That is confusing me; you mention that you “need to be visiting and finding a place to stay.” Then you later wrote, “He lives out of state so will only be seeing him about once a month…”
Think long and hard about it. You’re leaving your husband for another man who may not be available to you. If and when you do leave, leave for your own good and not just for another person, and don’t be surprised if your friend decides to remain married.
Be happy.
Good point, Yak. Being the one who was left for someone else after 23 years, one of the things I asked my ex was why he hadn’t tried to discuss his unhappiness all those years. He couldn’t answer. Anyway, his relationship with wonder woman didn’t work out. Too bad for him. It was after that that he almost had a break down.
You have to work out your issues for yourself. You can’t jump from one relationship to the other without carrying baggage. No matter how much a person wants out, they need to grieve the previous relationship first.
It was only after I had gone through my pain and through years of living on my own, that I finally realized that I didn’t ‘need’ a man. It was then that my soul mate appeared. Go figure.
Good point Olga and Yakitty,what I want to know, at 55 + years old.when will we learn no one person can make us happy and and soon even sex will be a challenge as one gets older then what?… I think the time to truly find oneself is not in someone’s else’s bed but first in our own head…reality and men doesn’t always go together well…they lie.
I agree, you wrote exactly what I was just thinking about….it is too soon for a new relationship anyway…..you have a lot of healing to bring a whole, stabilized person to a new relationship…..not jumping from one safety net to another…it sounds like a recipe for heartache…..I fully support anyone who wants to end a difficult relationship, and it is especially hard after 34 years, but I would ask you to step back and examine exactly why you are doing this (that really deep down examination where you are completely honest with yourself)…..I also think your friend will remain married…..because I have been there and done that…..
A very wise friend of mine said “If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.” I am so sorry that you have years of being unhappy. That’s not good and you deserve to be happy. I agree with Olga and Yakkity. Did you realize that the marriage has nothing left when a new man came into the picture? And I would never trust a man that is in a relationship with me and hasn’t ended his own marriage. Here’s another tough question for you — are you thinking that this new man will be the financial boost you’ll need? There’s just too many red flags. Someone else said this: Your decision to end the marriage should only be for one reason, the marriage relationship is over.
Dear Nature_Lover,
I wish I was nearby and I could meet with you and give you a hug, and just let you talk. I have been in the same place (almost) that you are now, and I feel for you. After almost 20 years of marriage, I “reunited” with an old love from college. He was also married. Well, that was almost 10 years ago, and I have been through heaven, hell, and purgatory many times since then over my decision to reach for love one more time in my life. I knew he would not leave his family right from the beginning, and I have not left my husband, although I did tell him about my feelings for this other man soon after it began. I love and respect my husband in many ways, but I am not in love with him, attracted to him, nor did we have a satisfying sexual relationship–ever. I became pregnant when a condom failed at 27, and I decided to make a home for my baby with his father. My husband is a good, good man. He’s been a steady provider, a great father and he’s a good friend. But I have been lonely, and without love for many, many years. It’s difficult, because I didn’t want to hurt my husband, but doesn’t my life , my happiness, my feelings count for something too? I have always been a faithful, caring spouse, devoted mother, responsible dedicated partner. I didn’t go out looking for sex and love, although I suffered for the lack of it for years and years–in “quiet desperation”. All the marriage manuals and women’s help columns say ” try to recapture that original feeling”. But I never felt “that way” about my husband. It’s chemistry, and it just wasn’t there. We had sex, but I didn’t feel it “in my head”. I would say I should have never married him, except that we have made a beautiful family and home: domestically speaking, we make a good team. But the soul and the heart have needs too. Since I began this other relationship, many things have happened. My husband was forced to wake up and look at his own life as an individual–he took new responsibility for himself and made many new strides in his own life. I had a new lease on life, went back to school at age 50, got a master’s and a new career. I see my old love only rarely since he lives on the other side of the country, but when we have spent time together, I have never been so happy. It is like having my real, authentic self come alive. We have great sex, a wonderful friendship, and a deep soul connection. Our history going back almost 40 years when we were both college kids is a deep bond. I have suffered a lot too. I’ve cried buckets of tears, I won’t say I haven’t. But I would do it again, because it’s life. I don’t want to just do what’s easy, expected or “decent”–I want to be alive! And life, as always, is messy, uncertain and there are no absolutes. You are now on your own. There are no pre-scripted formulas for what you are venturing into. And you are going against our society’s values. No one is going to pin any medals on your chest. You are not going to win “mother of the year” or get a corsage for your golden wedding anniversary. I have had pain, suffering, but also ecstasy, pure joy, growth, understanding–and yes, even the realtionship with my husband has grown and gotten more authentic, and in some ways, oddly stronger. I wish you luck, and remember to always look out for yourself–you will get a lot out of this new relationship, but don’t count on him to become more for you than he can be. If you approach it with the attitude that you take responsibliity for yourself, and take whatever comes, you will be okay, no matter what. Love , Steph
Wow, am I glad a stumbled across your response. My situation is ditto to yours. I am struggling right now on what to do or what not to do. I keep thinking time will tell, but time is slipping away. I don’t know where to find the courage to leave. I feel we shouldn’t be married if one of us isn’t in love with the other, even if we have been together for 31 years. Right now, and for the past few years, I just can’t find the courage to tell him the truth and to move on. I know it’s not fair or right, he deserves more and I know I’m living a lie. Like you, there is someone from my past that I am still in love with, (out of state, too) and who is also married and not happy, either. We have not been together sexually, but have admitted to each other that we still love one another. I have talked to him several times on the phone over the past 8 months, also via e-mails and have seen him once in person, while I was visiting his state a few months ago. We both want to be together sexually, but are struggling for the obvious reasons. I have to be honest and say that if I didn’t have this other “relationship” I would still be suffering in silence in my marriage. I feel terrible, but yet I agree with your comments. What I know for sure is, I got married much too young, stayed because of my son, and responsibilities to the commitment and now the years have slipped away dealing with the dramas of life. Now here I am, tired of it all and want passion and true love, am very unhappy and heading towards misery – which I know, misery is optional. I’m going out of state next month to see this person, as I want to be sure it’s just not infatuation or mid-life crisis/challenges. These are two separate issues, and I know in my head that I need to deal with them separately, but they are going to cross over at some point. I just feel so bad for feeling like this. Crap! I need some good advice!
dpaul.. i suggest u do your own post (cut and paste) that way we can answer each of you separately, it is the fair thing to do to Nature Lov. This is hers. Sorry.
The grass is never greener on the other side. You will soon find out that when you get to the other side you have to get out the lawn mower and cut the same grass you ran away from. Red flag #1The guy you are seeing is still married. #2. He has not bothered to tell his wife. #3 You are hoping against hope that this new man will make you happy #4. How well do you know this new man? Are you sure you are the only one he is seeing ( refer to Tiger woods saga). #5. If this man is cheating on his wife how long did he tell you to wait till he gets his divorce? I am so sorry to be so blunt. Please take some time to process where you are going. Most of the time men who cheat do not give up that habit . Are you prepaired to be the other woman till his divorce? Please get a divorce because you want it not because you almost have a new man in your life. Be safe and stay strong.
Sometimes we need therapy not another man, to make better decisions, and enjoy your new relationship, pehaps it will help you to belive in yourself again, but try to stay cool a little more, I wish you the best, good luck.
That needs to be on a t-shirt:
“Sometimes we need therapy, not another man!”
You cannot know how many times and how many versions of this I have said before. Priceless advice.
Going back to the original post, knowing exactly how you feel and owning that is empowering. It seems to me that sometimes in sorting our issues with ourselves, we tend to not want to acknowledge our feelings when we aren’t quite comfortable with them. Being in the moment with how you feel is a good step forward.
What’s next then?
While we’re on the subject of t-shirts, how about “The grass is not always greener on the other side” — from Peaches’ post earlier!!!
The subject of divorce and new relationships always reminds me of that 60s mantra: no matter where you go, there you are (and that one is a t-shrt).
Painful as it can sometimes feel, being alone is a time of healing and new growth. But the healing must take place, or we bring our pain forward into our new encounters.
Just a word of caution – don’t rush into another relationship, especially with a married man and all that entails. It’s very important to give yourself time to be by yourself and be yourself without all the drama and trauma.
I’m thinking of you. Time does heal all. The only way out is through. Don’t shortchange the process. It does hurt, it does get better. Be good to yourself and don’t forget what’s important to you…that’s the most critical. Take care….Cyndi
Be brave and get all the love you can…it’s out there….don’t go to the critics corner.
nature_lover – take it from one who has been there . . don’t count on this other man. make your move and learn to live independently and like yourself before you fall into another relationship.