Good morning. I’m new to this site. Have read a few of the posts. Would like to ask for your prayers today. I’m struggling with several issues that I’d prefer not to post right now involving love, marriage, and my spouse’s inability to keep his commitments. Note, these are, in my opinion, “deal-breaking” commitments. I’ve always had a tough time making a decision and sticking to them. I’m 52 years old and it’s time to do the right thing for me. I just need to decide and move on without regret. For once in my life, for heaven’s sake. Whatever I decide. Thanks all. Appreciate your thoughts and prayers. Cyndi
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Sounds very interesting.
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good morning cydni, sounds like you are having great struggles, it is allways hard to amke changes, even when we know they are for the best, if you want to talk, feel free to contact me….sometimes just talking the words outloud can give you a bit of peace..
Candy,
Thanks much. I’m not sure why these decisions are always so hard for me. I’m not sure why I go back and forth. I know that I’m the only one that can take care of me. Others may try to help along the way, but in the end – it’s me. There’s so much going through my mind. One of the things I’ve been trying to tell myself is what would I want for my daughter, my sister, a best friend. In this situtation, what would I want for them. Sometimes, it’s easier for me to see what I think would be best for someone else – but harder when it’s me. Well, I can deal with that. I can let that go. Maybe, I don’t deserve this or that. Bullsh*t. He doesn’t deserve me. Life will go on. I will survive. You know what, I don’t want to just survive this time. I want to grow. I want to improve. I want to be better so that I never allow history to repeat itself.
I am woman, hear me roar. Sorry, just have to yell a little at myself sometimes. I deserve better and I’m going to make it happen. I’m going to start looking at myself as someone who needs to do something I read from someone else on here, don’t remember who. Find a way to be complete – all on my own. Sure, someday it would be great if I got over this, moved on, and found someone to “compliment” me. But, I want to be a different person from here forward. Complete on my own, a full life, a happy life, a comfortable life. One where anyone in my life who lies to me, doesn’t keep their commitments to me – well, they’re just NOT in it.
Thanks Candy. Needed to get that out.
Watever your decision, make sure it is yours and yours alone. You might be influenced by someone or something else, but know that it is you who decides and acts. Think of what you need and want. You have one life, live it.
Be happy.
anir
I’m so bad at this. Yet, so good at ambivalence. One day, I want one thing and the next day, I want the other. Would think after 20 years in a bad first marriage, I’d get it. Keep telling myself the definition of insanity. “Continuing to do the same thing expecting to achieve a different result”. Problem is I’m so good at arguring the point — BOTH SIDES OF THE POINT — that I can look at that from the perspective that if I’d just accept that it’s me that needs to change – stop going back and forth, give it my all, make it work, I wouldn’t have to keep coming back to this place that I want to leave.
Now, there’s always the other side…..I wouldn’t keep coming back to this place that I want to leave, if it were the right thing, if it were what I really needed, I’d see it, I’d know it. I wouldn’t have to keep second-guessing it.
SEE, I can’t stop myself. Sometimes, I think I need to be alone just so I won’t have this battle for the rest of my life.
I’ve been there, done that. I am a gemini, that’s what I use as an excuse. When I was thinking of leaving my husband I had the same struggles. I could see back to where I or he had failed in our marriage. I imagined if I were to do this or that or watever, or he were to do his part, maybe we could save it. We went to marriage counselling.
You can’t do anything about the past. You can change yourself, your actions, thoughts etc. But you can’t change someone else is what I finally realised. Easy words but hard lesson.
I had a recurring dream. I love to make jigsaw puzzles. In my dream, I had pieces of a big puzzle floating on water. Of course, I could never put them together. I had that dream quite a few times. I don’t anymore.
Second guessing yourself is O.K. It is how we come to a final conclusion. We get confused, can’t think straight, everything is just a jumbled amount of thoughts and feelings. It becomes so daunting sometimes we think we will go crazy. I turned everything upside down and inside out before I made my final decision. I’m glad now that I took my time but left before I had a depression.
Now, I step back and can honestly say that I gave it my best shot at trying to save a dying marriage. I guess I gave it the final blow when I left my ex. It was hard, but I had to.
Best of luck with whatever you’re going through.
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this and lately, I remember what it felt like when I was trying to decide to leave my first husband. I had very good reasons of which I’d rather not get into right now. Have spent enough of my life thinking about that bad situation. Refuse to give it any more of my life.
Anyway, what I realized over the last day or so is I used to ask my counselor how would I know it was time to leave, and she said, “you’ll just know”. It will just happen and it did exactly that. It was like someone turned on a light switch, one minute I was there and in it and the next it was over. The bad had finally far out-weighed the good. No question. I think that’s because I did just what you’re saying. I’d given it my all, counseling, forgiving, trying, trying, trying — to change him, to change me. In the end, the bad far outweighed the good and it was clear.
So, what I’ve been thinking is that the ambivalence, the indecision, it’s all my way of telling myself I haven’t given it my all in this situation yet. And, since there is a lot of good, I have to try harder to make sure. I have to trust that should the bad ever far outweigh the good, I’ll just know. It will be clear. The reason I’m not sure now is the good still outweighs the bad.
This could change in a week, a month, a year. It may never change. I have to trust myself. My instincts have always been good if I trust them. If I leave, it will because I know I did what I could and it just wasn’t enough.
Thank you all for your insights and suggestions. I’m going to take this one day at a time for now.
Take care all.