| incompatiability | Hot Conversation |
My husband and I have been married for 38 years. Had to get married and he has been a good husband and father but never really was in love with him. No chemistry at all. Now we are retired and he dosen’t want anything in life that i do. we are total opposites. Don’t know how to deal with this situation. I need some feed back from you guys.
thanks for any thoughts on this….
Posted in family & relationships, love & sex.
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ReginaLove, that is SO great to hear! As for soy, it may help with menopause symptoms -- it it controversial. The best way to use soy is in the form of whole fermented soy foods (miso, tempeh, tamari and natto). Non-fermented soy foods such as soy mi
Agreed. I never thought I was vain until I had a mastectomy at age 39. I was devastated and told the doc I wanted to wake up with implants. Now at age 60, I am lopsided and wondering if I was just avoiding the inevitable. You get what you get and you
Sounds very interesting.Spike, you are awesome! Love your perspective, thanks for sharing.I will turn 53 in 6 weeks and still break out.
May I also assume that your skin is still quite oily and shows no or very few wrinkles? If so...
COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS!
1) Your skin doesn't look like beat-up luggage now, and probably never wi
Go for what YOU want now – you have given this man most of your adult life and it is time you did the things you want to do – life is just so precious and you must now enjoy every single minute of it. Does he stop you from doing things you want to do ? Can you still live with him in comfortable retirement and still get on with your own life – or – does he drive you mad and you want to get out ? A friend of mine is in a similar situation – she has never found the passion with her husband and has stayed with him for the sake of the kids. They are now all grown up and although she still lives with hubby she has become very independant. She has talked about leaving him on several occasions. She has started to do more on her own – she comes travelling with me and has taken up new interests that he has no interest in . Bizarrely she now finds she misses him and has stopped talking about leaving him !
Hey Jermaine,
Thanks for responding,no he dosen’t stop me from doing things and wants me to be happy. I do think I can be relatively comfortable in our retirement if I pursue my own happiness and fulfillment and not look to him for it. Like your friend I too have thought about leaving several times but did not. I think your right to expand your horizons and and do what makes you happy and you will find it just might bring the two of you closer. Thanks again
Jemaine, you said ” you have given this man most of your adult life”, didn’t he gave his life too! She said they had to get married and he was a good husband and father. If she was pregnant there was some small bit of chemisty, he didn’t rape her. Maybe they are too familiar with one another and need space…just my thoughts…TRACK
Hi Track,
To be quite honest it was an accident that i got pregnant and I had no home life and he wanted to get married and I thought this was my way out of a bad situation. Don’t misunderstand,it has’nt been all bad because I now have 2 grown children and four wonderful grand kids. He is good to me in alot of ways but I just have never loved him like a woman should love a man…..Hope this makes it a little clearer for you.
LIN61,Yes, it is much more clear now, however, leaving might not get you the spark you are looking for! I am not trying to talk you out of leaving just want you to think more on it! Sparks fly away, he is solid in his care for you. Many of these women on VN had sorry spouses who abused their relationship. Make sure, cause there may be no going back! Some other woman may gladly have him…just saying…TRACK
Hi lin61. I was getting ready to respond to your post and read jemaime’s post, her last two sentences “She has started to do more on her own – . . . . . Bizaarly, she now finds she misses him and has stopped talking about leaving him!” I think for so many of us at this age where we spent years raising kids, etc. etc. we suddenly have nothing to keep us “busy doing“. And our thoughts turn to what have we missed and we turn to our husbands to fulfill whatever is absent from our lives. The funny thing is, the men in our lives can’t fulfill us (they never could), we have to do that ourselves and learn how to become “busy being“. So before you throw your husband out with the dishwater, consider filling your life up with enjoyable and rewarding activities. Become someone you’d like to know. Who knows . . . your husband just might enjoy the journey too.
Hi Dynamomma,
Thank you for responding and i think you hit the nail on the head when u said men cannot fulfill us and never could. It is within in us to do it ourselves. I need to learn how to become “busy being.” Hopefully, like u said my husband will enjoy this side of me. God Bless you
Knew several military (navy) wives who’s husbands spent months away from home and they declared how happy they were after 25, 30 years of marriage. I absolutly love space in all things – especially emotional. Feeding your own soul is essential — keep doing that and heal.
Makes a lot of sense,and I think that is what i need is to get away and come back renewed. Thanks for your input!!!
Do what you want now. Give each other space. Marriage does not mean you have to be glued together at all times. I do not believe that “the heart grows fonder” if you really do not love that person. For me it would be “good riddance!”. There is a song in Spanish that i love that says …. “who was the fool w/the idea that a love has to be let go, for it to come back?” When i heard that song i said…. FINALLY SOMEONE PUT IT INTO WORDS! If someone really cares for you, your leaving will be missed. If the love has been gone for a while, they will miss the habit of seeing someone for so long everyday of their lives and the chores they did while they were around that you never had to do. But even the latter will be minor after a couple of weeks that you start doing them yourself like taking out the garbage, etc. Vacations will be tough because having a built in companion is really important, at least for me. But hey, i will find group cruises, etc. This is your time to really meditate and think of YOU as a person and what is important to you for the rest of your life. If you need this man to fill your every need that is not fair to him because his needs are different than yours. Find stuff to do on your own. Then do the things that you enjoy together as well. You need to be more independent. The love of your life? I am 59 and i have not found it nor do i plan to keep searching. For me that may not happen. And that is fine w/me. You need to find what is important to you and how to go about it. This is it kiddo, with 20 years to go in our lives we must live those with GUSTO! Good luck!
You have so many words of wisdom and I just soakrd it all up. Thank you for taking the time to talk with me. You have made my day better and given me a whole lot to think about. God bless u
regardless whether you divorce this man or not, you have to hearn to be “busy being”. I did not hear you mention any abuse or dislike with this man, just not a fiary tale. Why dont you start being busy with your own life and see how it goes… to be complete and to have someone else to give anything to, you need to be able to do that anyway. I jst celebrated a year of leaving my husband (and it was a horrible situration). I did some dating, but then discovered that I was so comfortable “just being” that i really dont want anyone disrupting that for now… ask yourself what are you looking for in divorce? I bet if you start a blog on that you will get 1000 divorcees all agreeing with you or saying “honey it aint like that”. Our collective experiece on VN is invaluable
If we want to feel young and vital, we do have to shake the cobwebs off and do something about it! Our husbands/partners cannot fill the feminine void that we feel! A grand day in my husband’s world is taking apart a computerized gadget and discussing it, at lengths, while my eyes roll back in my head!!
I have joined meetup.com and have luncheons, girl’s night out, plays, and even The Red Hat ladies (something I thought I would never do!). Plus, I’m driving to a distant state to meet an old gal friend for a week end at a ‘fancy’ hotel!
We will share the cost and are planning a karaoke night out! Lol
This is soooo unlike me to plan fun outings! I usually wait for my hubby to come out from behind his computer, but no more! I love my guy, a lot…we just have different agendas. I find that I am more interesting to be around, too. Our chemistry has improved…I’m more like the womam he married!
My point is…shake off the dust and take some action!
WHAT A WOMAN!! Like your way, if the man is good in every other way, then teach him some things and get busy with yourself, making yourself happy. Love the karaoke. Nothing better than girlsfriends that do stuff! I like meeting people from all over. Nothing like a party, go!!…TRACK
Hey, Track!
Well, ya gotta work with watcha got! Right?!
You sound like you keep on the move, too! Wish you could be there (karaoke) too! Hug
Evie, Right!! My favorite to sing “You don’t know me”..Ray Charles…;-)))…http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L-5LwRinkJ0 , love it…TRACK
Ah, yes…a good one!
We had fun!
You are so right on the money. I want to be just like you,you sound like you have it nailed down.
I’m going to check out meetup.com and see if i can get going. You arer my kind of woman. Thanks and God Bless.
Hi Lin! It does take some re-thinking about your choices and a good look at the ‘rut’ you are in. Taking action will change your life and save your marriage!
Check back and let us know what you are up to!
Share some of your new fun activities!
Hi lin61. The Vibrant Nation ladies have given you a wealth of information-all of it good. I want to add one more thing. If your husband is a good man, divorcing him might cause both of you lots of grief. I’m not against divorce. If it is a bad situation, from abuse of any kind, physical, emotional, verbal, control issues or if the relationship is just intolerable for any reason, it’s not worth staying in the marriage. But divorce means splitting up what you both own and you’ll both be poorer for it in a lot of ways. You would both have lawyers, possibly sell the house, split whatever monies you have so you can each have your own house. that would mean what travel and other activities you would like to try would be more limited. Financially it is cheaper to stay. There are probably lots of things you do for him and he does for you (cleaning, washing, repairing things etc) that maybe both of you take for granted but make living a little easier. There are bound to be hard feelings even in the best of situations. Your children and grandchildren will be affected too. I love the advice you have been given to find your own interests, travel, join groups, branch out. Who knows, maybe your husband will decide you are having so much fun he’ll want to join you and maybe start a whole new chapter for both of you. And maybe not but maybe that would be OK if you have the freedom to find your own interests and be your own person. Take care.
Hi Azul,
I have had a wealth of information. All thought provoking and good to view other people’s thoughts on this subject. I really feel so much better and have thought of things I had not thought of before. In the end it all comes back to me and what i want to do in my life to make it the best it can be and no one can do that for me but me. So kudo’s to all of you and I will let you know how it goes. God Bless you alll!!!