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I think you’ll get more responses if you elaborate a bit more….Do you like being a step-mom…have a good relationship with your step-kids, or not so good?
I’m a step-mom, too, with two wonderful girls who have been a part of my life for more than sixteen years. I also have a biological daughter, my hubby’s youngest.
I’ve been a step mom more than once.
Its not an easy job, there is no standard job description, and you get very little credit for what you contribute.
I’ve been married 30 years next month, we have two wonderful daughters in their 20′s and it’s been quite an adventure. Life has it’s ups and downs and can be a challenge. Raising children is one of the most difficult, rewarding, frustrating, hard-on-a-marriage, wonderful things one can experience. I’ve only been the mom and not a step-mom, but hats off to each and every one of you! It’s a very special role and I’m sure complicated at times-can’t be easy. You deserve recognition for all the hard work and love you add to the family.
Boomer, why are you not elaborating your specific question? Is being a step-mom a good experience for you? If not, why?
Someone once wrote that being a step-mom is like being out in the rain while someone else decides whether to open the umbrella. That someone is the father of these children, and unless he cooperates with you and helps you with the challenges (e.g., being firm with them, setting the policy which they must follow, backing you on tough decisions, demanding respect for you), he will actually line-up with the kids. The only outcome of that is that your marriage will suffer.
I have to say that being a stepmom was not the happiest or most rewarding experience in my life. Unfortunately, I felt left out and not part of the total family unit. The kids are grown now and we get along fine, but I do have a tough time letting go of the past (which I should and am still working on). I guess there will be no apologies forthcoming for the lousy treatment I received (nor should i expect any). Yes, I know it was hard on them – of course it was – but does anyone every really side with the “evil stepmother”. And why do people think it’s only hard on the children?? I’ve always said don’t judge someone, till you’ve walked a mile in their shoes, no matter the situation. Why is there not a term for “evil stepchildren”. I’m sure a few of us could write a book on that one. Even though the mom was a lousy one, guess what, she still reigns.
I loved “Authortalia’s” saying… someone once wrote that being a step-mom is like being out in the rain while someone else decides whether to open the umbrella. No truer words were spoken… I’ve never been so wet!!! LOL!
Well, that’s my rant for the day!
I have learned that there was a time that God put me into my step children’s lives because, they needed a mother, someone to take care of them. Since their real mother didn’t care. I did all the motherly duties, and I almost left many a times. But, I kept thinking, what will happen to his children. So I stuck it out, and did the best I knew how to do. They can never say I didn’t try my best, or say I quite on them. They know to this day I will always be here for them. Always have, always will. Do I regret it, sometimes, but, my love for them is true, and that will never change, they just tolerate me, but, I love them for life. I am and always will be a part of their lives, even if they don’t want me to be. They can never change that. And guess what, they know I am here always, so when they are down and out, they still come running to me. Cause deep down, they know I care, and truly love them always.
Angelwings is a perfect name for you!
Thank youTamara,Dallas, Jenniep, Portia, Angelwing, Author Talia, and Misty Blue so much for y our input. Actually, I have been putting up Christmas decs. all week while my husband is off hunting for 9 days and haven’t visited VN. Also I wanted to see comments first..Guess I am feeling like I am the only step mom feeling this way… When we married, all of the kids were out on their own. He has 2 boys, 39 and 36, married with children. I have always fealt that they only come back to see their Father..since they walk straight to the back yard passing me by to find him and won’t even come in the house to say hello, etc. etc. etc. Only now I am feeling that they are talking to my grandchildren ( their own kids) teaching them that step grandparents are different..etc etc. that step’s aren’t “blood” relation. It is ‘learned’ when children treat others the way they do.. When their Father is gone, his sons don’t even call me to see if I am alright even in bad weather. I commented to my husband that they are all making me feel like they don’t love me..they don’t even try to see me when they are here or call me; nothing in the way of showing they care at all for me. Christmas for 18 years has been a joke. They don’t want to share Christmas with my kids and so we have seperate celebration days for each side. They bring $200-$300 gifts for their Father only and I might receive a picture frame. Not that I care what they give me but it seems and feels like a slap in the face when it is so blatantly noticeable. Even though I am the one that buys all of the gifts, and does the meal, decorating, wrapping, etc like all women do I think, they give me no thanks or show any appreciation…Finally, they have never introduced me as their Step Mom, only by my name. I did ask my husband to recognize all of this and he thinks I am silly. So I don’t care to go to their house anymore. When I do, no one talks to me.. Just like they treated their sister in law and it broke her heart. She finally left her husband because she didn’t match up or something like that. What does everyone suggest? Continue to go on pretending like nothing is happening? Or stop going to their home and avoid themwhen ever I can? My husband is clearly never going to be my umbrella. Thanks so much again!
I feel for you Boomer! I can identify with pretty much everything you have said. When you get into the step-parenting role, it’s like going into a boat race, but your boat is filled with holes and you are destined to sink before you even start the race! I believe if a step comes into a situation with young, young children, then they may have a better chance of being accepted into the fold. But if you get into it with older kids, well… I have been accused by his kids in the past of doing “too much”, then “not doing enough”. What the ??? There is no winning.
Boomer, you seem like a really nice person that does not deserve the crap you’ve been offered up by your step-children. Nobody deserves that kind of treatment – step or not. I have been creative over the years with my coping mechanisms (and help from a counsellor). Perhaps some of my ideas may help you.
1. First of all you have to realize you are NOT a bad person, no matter how bad they can make you feel about yourself. Remember, there are alot of people (that matter) out there – your family, friends, etc. that DO care about you and you have to remember that. When they have made you feel down, think of the people who bring you “up”. Remember, it’s not you with the problem, it’s them. You DO NOT have to love them, so don’t feel guilty.
2. I learned to build a “plexiglass” wall around myself for years so I could deflect any pain that I felt. That was my way of saying to myself that it didn’t matter what they said or did, I wouldn’t allow them to get to me – Why? BECAUSE I’M A GOOD PERSON!
3. I think you need to limit your visits with these people. They are coming across as toxic in their relationship with you and who needs that kind of poison in your life? Just because they are “family” members doesn’t give them the right to treat you this way. You need to take care of yourself girlfriend. Maybe if you start showing up less at family functions, someone might actually notice and maybe bother to ask the question “why”. If not, you are doing what you have to do – protecting yourself from toxic behaviour.
4. One of my favourite sayings is “expect nothing and you won’t be disappointed”. In other words, if they DO treat you well, it will be a plus. Otherwise don’t expect anything.
Most of all Boomer, remember that you DO NOT need to feel guilty about anything! If you have honestly tried with your best efforts all along to be the best you can be in this situation (which I am presuming you have), then there is nothing else you can do. Just go on being the best person that you are and look at this situation as THEIR LOSS for not getting to know the beautiful person you are more. The husbands alway seem to be “blind” to their own kids – they can never seem to do anything wrong. I know, I’ve been through it too and it is VERY frustrating. You need to take care of yourself and you need to start to do it now.
Take care of yourself Boomer and keep in touch.
MistyBleu, Well, my husband just returned from an 8 day hunting trip and his son comes over while I am at work ( husband is retired) and my husb. gives his son something of mine without asking me. He said he needed it and gave me all the excuses why he should have it. I merely said that I would like to be asked first next time before he gives something away . He said the son was only using it, and that I am attacking him every time he mentions’s his son’s name and got in the car and left again ; for a ride or a hide out I suppose. So there is never any allowance or freedom to talk or mention his kids names without him saying I have a problem, and I am attacking them.
I have tried to stay away from them and it appears they are doing the same. I know there will be times when they will be here for their Dad’s birthday or Father’s Day, Christmas, who knows when.. I always dread those days I must say for that very reason.
It would make it so much easier if my husband would just listen to my feelings and support my feelings with understanding..I know I certainly would if the situation were turned around. I would be having a talk with my kids!
I also have been accused of doing too much and too little as well. So they will always have a reason to talk and give someone else a rest ( like they say). The Real Problem I believe is the person I live with is only siding with his kids and I feel a wall between us always because I’m the step!
So would you suggest to NEVER speak of his kids to my husband again? So that I can not expect him to UNDERSTAND my feelings, then I won’t be disappointed?
It seems like a catch 22/ no win situation.. Couples are supposed to be able to confide in eachother and bear our feelings to eachother. This is what hurts more than being his kids Step!
Thanks for your input. I do so much appreciate getting feed-back especially since I am not getting it my from man.
MistyBleu, Well, my husband just returned from an 8 day hunting trip and his son comes over while I am at work ( husband is retired) and my husb. gives his son something of mine without asking me. He said he needed it and gave me all the excuses why he should have it. I merely said that I would like to be asked first next time before he gives something away . He said the son was only using it, and that I am attacking him every time he mentions’s his son’s name and got in the car and left again ; for a ride or a hide out I suppose. So there is never any allowance or freedom to talk or mention his kids names without him saying I have a problem, and I am attacking them.
I have tried to stay away from them and it appears they are doing the same. I know there will be times when they will be here for their Dad’s birthday or Father’s Day, Christmas, who knows when.. I always dread those days I must say for that very reason.
It would make it so much easier if my husband would just listen to my feelings and support my feelings with understanding..I know I certainly would if the situation were turned around. I would be having a talk with my kids!
I also have been accused of doing too much and too little as well. So they will always have a reason to talk and give someone else a rest ( like they say). The Real Problem I believe is the person I live with is only siding with his kids and I feel a wall between us always because I’m the step!
So would you suggest to NEVER speak of his kids to my husband again? So that I can not expect him to UNDERSTAND my feelings, then I won’t be disappointed?
It seems like a catch 22/ no win situation.. Couples are supposed to be able to confide in eachother and bear our feelings to eachother. This is what hurts more than being his kids Step!
Thanks for your input. I do so much appreciate getting feed-back especially since I am not getting it my from man.
Hi Boomer,
I mentioned earlier that I’m not a step-mom, but I am a mom and a wife and my sister’s 2nd husband was step-dad to her daughters.
Anyway, the one line from your last post really hit home-”This is what hurts more than being his kids Step”. Sounds to me like the biggest problem is in the marriage. Your husband should talk to a professional-with or without you. It’s really difficult for men to face emotional issues and understand how you feel-a lot of them are very black and white. I would try to focus on my relationship with my husband and not his kids.
My sister got divorced when her two daughters were teenagers. One day the guy she was seeing -quite awhile after the divorce-was at the house and the two girls walked in. They ignored him and walked to their bedrooms. After he left my sister called them both in-told them how incredibly rude they were and that she would NEVER treat their friends like that and won’t tolerate that behavior in her home. It was difficult for them, but they grew to truly like Glen-maybe not love. Unfortuneatly he died of cancer 5 years after they got married. He was a really great guy and my nieces missed him a lot.
I suppose men would have a hard time reacting like my sister did-but the behavior you describe, Boomer, is plain old RUDE! In my view, your husband should not allow that to happen to you.
Step-parents don’t get the appreciation they deserve and the biological parents should step up to the plate and insist on it.
Sorry, that’s my rant for the day.
Hi Boomer: Sorry for the delay in getting back. I just wanted to reply to your paragraph:
“So would you suggest to NEVER speak of his kids to my husband again? So that I can not expect him to UNDERSTAND my feelings, then I won’t be disappointed?”
Realistically, this won’t happen. I meant by this that you should never expect anything from his kids, then you won’t be disappointed. Your husband HAS to be a source of support for you – he IS your husband! He should listen to your concerns even if it is about his kids. Did we not marry “for better or worse”? You should have the right to speak to your husband about his kids, and although he may not like what he hears, he should try to take the emotions out of the situation and try to look at it objectively. He needs to know how it would feel if the situation were reversed. My husband has those same blinders on – he sees nothing that they do is wrong and it drives me crazy! As in jeannieps’s response, her sister made her kids come out an apologize for their rude behaviour. I always said I would do the same if one of my family members were to treat my husbank rudely, I would call them on it. I would tell them that I love them, but that my husband is important to me and even if you don’t love him or like him, it is necessary for him to be respected! I cannot understand why the husbands can’t see this!!!
My hubby’s daughter was home yesterday and every time Dad leave the room, so does she and leaves me sitting there. Is that not obvious? Yikes! I’m in the “tolerate only” mindset right now as they will be here for Christmas and I know it won’t be easy. My stomach is already churning thinking of it. I do the best I can to be pleasant and my coping mechanism will be to talk to other family members who are very nice to me and just not bother with his kids so much. His daughter is getting married next August and I am NOT looking forward to that. I have to show up and be all happy and pretend like nothing has ever happened?? She read a stupid “love/hate” poem or saying at our wedding and I wondered what the hell that was all about. Again, the husband didn’t see anything wierd or wrong, but i felt very upset and the day was pretty much ruined for me. Yet I am supposed to go to hers next year and be happy??
i am going to go for some counselling again soon as I feel I am due for a “pick-me-up” from a professional who knows how to ask the right questions and is able to help me cope. Boomer, I suggest you do the same.
Take care of yourself.
Oh MistyBleu, I really feel for you that your wedding day was ruined by such a rude and inconsiderate act! He should have stopped her in her tracks! Men just don’t know how to step up to the plate I think at the right time. Mine does it in private ( he says) who knows. I don’t think he does really in private either.. and it does the wife no good if we are not respected honored by their kids!
Christmas is coming soon. I have to plan 2 christmases so that his kids aren’t with my kids..and the grandkids aren’t together either. The selfishness rubs off onto our grandchildren too. It is so sad to watch year after year.
I know what it feels like to be left sitting alone when all the kids follow their Dad around cause they don’t / can’t be caring enough of a person to include me!
It does help talking about all of this. Please let me know what your counselor has to say. It would be interesting to hear. Atleast I know from these follow ups that I am not imagining all of this and it does happen to other Step Mothers!!! Thanks so much
Please keep in touch! Hope you all have as nice of a Christmas as you can make it by giving up to the fact that it helps to take rude actions and words with a grain of salt and be happy with other loved ones to help overcome the hurt. ( If that makes sense). I know it’s a decision and choice to be happy..I just don’t want to become hardened or hard hearted .. I want to be loving .
When I watched the movie “Mary and Joseph” it helps me to realize that Joseph didn’t believe Mary that she was carrying God’s unborn child! She stayed loving still and always said “there is nothing I can do for you” ” You have to do it”.
I myself was a step-mother to children who were 3 and 1 at the time. I had my own boys who were 8, 5, 3, and 1. Even though it was alot of work and their mother tried to make waves, I loved every minute of it.
And on the subject of STEP parents, I was lucky enough to have the best step-father in the world. He came into I and my brothers lives soon after we lost our father. I’m sure at times he wanted to leave as my brothers were in high school and didn’t make it easy on him. Me, on the other hand, actually called him without my mother knowing, after they had had just a couple of dates, and asked him if he wanted to be my DADDY! I was 9.
And lucky for me he took the job on for 37 years. Losing him was just like losing my Dad all over again.
Let’s give step parents a big pat on the back as I know their job is not always easy but much appreciated!
Yellowrose, thank you so much for that inspiring story! Six children to raise lovingly all because you had a Step parent that set such a wonderful example of Never giving up and you were loving “them” ANYWAY says so much! I can look at other examples such as your story and wish I could say the same. The step children who are grown do more than make waves it seems. My grandchildren are turning away from me because of what they have been taught. When a child reacts, it is learned. My prayer would be that God’s will would be to soften the hearts of the adult step kids so that the family can live togeather in peace and the grandchildren would not become poisened .
Tomorrow my husband and I are going to our grandson’s birthday gathering at his home. While I sit alone and pretend I am happy ( while truly trying to be in my heart) the actions around me will be painful I am certain. I will be saying short prayers tomorrow for them and to have an open heart even for the pain that comes to me.
This is June of 2011. One and 1/2 years has past . During that time, my husband and I split up for 3 1/2 months. I fealt he was abusive and unsupportive of me. We have returned together and our marriage seems to be getting better, thank goodness! One huge turn for the worse/better; his kids and whole family:Mother, Brothers, and hid kids have turned their back on me completely and shunned me. They tell me on the phone they do not want to talk to me when they call. I hurt big time for a while; it’s been 9 months since we got back together. Maybe he did me a favor as they never treated me right for nearly 19 years of our marriage from the very beginning.
Here’s my dilemma. Father’s day is in 4 days. There has been no decision as to what they are going to do to see their Father. If they show up here, I will be furious with them to use Father’s day to show me they can do what they want by coming here. They are not welcome here unless they can treat me with respect which they do not do. Should I suggest that I leave so that they can come here for a bit to visit with their Father? (I don’t like that at all). OR Should I suggest that he go alone to their house to see them? What ever happens will set the pattern for the remainder of our married lives.
Suggestions are welcome.
Unloved Step Mom
Being a stepmother for 17 years, I have worked out (somewhat) how to deal with stepchildren. When they were children, I bought them birthday presents just from me, in addition to what their father bought them. Never,, never did I receive a thank you and never did I receive even a “happy birthday” card, or call for my birthday. Once they were adults, I stopped…trying to make the point that you get what you give…Not sure anyone even noticed.
In November, I send the stepchildren all a note saying not go buy me a Christmas present but to make a donation to one of two charities in my name if they wish. I did this after receiving a 3-pack note paper ($1) from 5 stepchildren one year…it hurt more than getting nothing…
Mother’s day this year….just a call from 1 out of 5, who was calling to ask her father for something anyway…okay…I get it…
So, Father’s day is not my problem…I will visit my father. I will not go out and buy steaks to cook on the grill and all the fixings for a cookout for my husband and his children, their spouses and their kids…I am done…
Anniversaries….I send a card the first year and if my husband and I do not get a card from them for our anniversary, I never mention another one.
Every month, I give my husband a list of birthdays and anniversaries and it is up to him to do anything if he wants. He understands why I do this.
I have children, too….I hope they treat their stepfather better…but sometimes they don’t….Life is complicated…Keep smiling….!
Father’s day is not your problem. If they come to see their father, just keep doing what you would normally be doing. Say “hi” and go back to some fun project. Kill them with kindness…If they are outwardly rude, won’t your husband say something? or at least understand your point finally. Do you have caller ID, so you don’t even have to answer the phone to hear, “is my father there”? I never answer the phone anymore; let them leave a message. If they make plans to visit and you don’t want to even see them, go do something fun…get a massage, relax at the beach, a bookstore, go shopping…that way, you can thank them for a very nice day!