I write for pleasure, mostly short stories, fiction and non-fiction, or documenting a major renovation in which I’m currently absorbed. Writing, for me, is all about cobbling together a series of words that result in something meaningful. I’m lucky enough to work at a university with a resident top-notch editor / professor on faculty, and have access to the writing center on campus for more editorial assistance. What more could a writer ask?
This, however, will not be a carefully cobbled series of words. My hands are shaking, my heart is pounding, and my breath is shallow as I type, because, until about a week ago, not even my closest friend and confidant knew what I’m about to say. I’m celibate. And it’s not by choice. Please pardon me as I push forward. I need you, VN reader. Please, hear me. Because right now, I don’t feel heard. And to not be heard is to be invisible. It’s my own damn fault. I haven’t spoken. I feel fear and shame, and I’m pissed.
I’m 52, married 13 years. My life is good, except for this one thing, and it’s a big thing. Pun intended. My 52-year-old husband is a good-looking guy. We are both lucky to be healthy and medication-free. We do things together, like hike the beautiful mountains that surround us, dance, enjoy a glass of wine while watching stunning West Texas sunsets, walk our dogs, ride bicycles, ride a motorcycle. He brings me a cup of steaming coffee every morning before I get out of bed. We frequently escape to our remote get-away that we call The Home Place, where we disconnect from technology (it’s that remote – no cell signal, no TV, no phone – solar-powered electricity, hauled-in water), shower outside, eat meals cooked on an open fire, drink perked coffee, and every night, lay back on chaise lounges to watch for shooting stars in a vast, open, dark night sky. Did I mention that we live in the darkest area of the United States, where stars invisible to the rest of our nation are brilliant and bright to the naked eye? The Home Place is the perfect place for hot sex.
He loves his job as a manager for a national non-profit, doing good things for down-on-their-luck people every day. I love my job, too, and enjoy helping university students every day. Everybody thinks we have the perfect relationship. I’ve seduced, screamed, pleaded, threatened, loved, cried, begged, asked nicely. I’ve prayed. A lot. We attend church together almost every Sunday at a laid-back and accepting jeans-and-boots kind of place, and I feel laid-back and accepted there, even though I’m the city girl amongst authentic cowboys and cowgirls who really do ride and mend fences. My point is that this is not about religion or oppression because of it. I live without guilt and regret. I’ve always considered myself to be sexually open and confident. We’ve had our struggles, mostly past financial problems, I’m sure that my husband’s failed business from a few years ago, which was followed by a foreclosure and loss of many things, has not helped this situation. He abaondoned a career that he loved after 25 years. But we’ve overcome, or at least, I thought we had.
I am not sure how to end this confession, except to ask what is next. When I think about walking out, I know that I would miss him immensely. We go weeks without discussing this, and then the silence is usually followed by an outburst from me. We eat dinner together almost every evening, but we sleep separately now, since about 6 weeks ago. During my outbursts, he is usually silent and angry, but when things calm down, he promises to seek medical help and do whatever it takes to change this. But I’m still waiting. Because of my beliefs, I won’t seek sex outside our marriage. On the other hand, my beliefs also say that a sexless marriage is a broken vow. I’m not sure what is next, but I welcome your input. Thanks for hearing me.
To all those Vibrant Women who have, like me, left abusive relationships - whether verbal, emotional, psychological, spiritual, physical, financial, social...or all of the above! - I say congratulations to us!
When I read this post, I think to mys
HI, Annamarie,
Thanks for joining in. Whether co-renting or co-owning, getting a compatible mix of people, and ensuring financial and personal security, are certainly number one.
There are so many intentional community and shared housing models o
Courageous post. Give yourself serious KUDOS for putting it into words, no matter how hard they were to write.
I hear you and empathize deeply though not with the same history and circumstances. A woman’s emotional and sexual needs are so often tossed aside in a relationship, and frankly in my experience AS a woman (small smile) I find that those elements make up my very soul. Having to settle for other *plusses* of life or do without those elements because of ______(fill in the blank) can be a spirit destroyer. Other things cannot compensate for the lack of physical intimacy a woman may need.
You are NOT alone. Far from it. Let me repeat, you are NOT alone.
And you are not wrong to want those things.
Where do you go from here? Well, writing it *out loud* is a huge step.
And as you have certainly contemplated, there are no easy answers. Sharing your hurt will indeed help lesson some of that pain. (and helps those of us who listen and react as well, because we all ache right along with you)
It’s a start, Ginger. Again…you aren’t alone in your needs, and you aren’t wrong in being scared and pissed about them. Take that as the first step. Breathe deep and realize that you just opened yourself up to many, many thousands of women who are sending you that special *feminine* strength right now and will try to help you find a solution. Hopefull the dialogue will continue and we can all help each other.
Keep the conversation flowing. You are being heard!
Dear Guilded Lilly,
You nailed it… “a spirit destroyer.” Thank you so very much for hearing me. Reading your words, you are absolutely right. I can take this, the act of putting this information “out there,” as a first step. I’m not a big fan of Dr. Phil, but he says something often, “You can’t fix it if you don’t acknowledge it.” And I think acknowledging it means telling someone the secret, and I’ve done that. As I closed the lid on my laptop this morning, having put this post out there, I felt a sense of empowerment. I think it’s that “special feminine strength” that you reference. I am making a commitment at this moment to come back here and post updates, no matter how difficult.
Thank you again for hearing me. I sincerely do not feel alone in this moment. In fact, I feel a little bit of euphoria, like a burden has been lifted.
Hi Ginger,
This is a very courageous post and very well expressed. While reading it I felt sad for you and at the same time, I felt envy!
I have exactly the opposite ‘problem’ with my hubby! You have written:
“We do things together, like hike the beautiful mountains that surround us, dance, enjoy a glass of wine while watching stunning West Texas sunsets, walk our dogs, ride bicycles, ride a motorcycle. He brings me a cup of steaming coffee every morning before I get out of bed. We frequently escape to our remote get-away that we call The Home Place, where we disconnect from technology (it’s that remote – no cell signal, no TV, no phone – solar-powered electricity, hauled-in water), shower outside, eat meals cooked on an open fire, drink perked coffee, and every night, lay back on chaise lounges to watch for shooting stars in a vast, open, dark night sky.” This is the part I envy! My guy could have sex every night of the week and I am much older than you! On the other hand, he is somewhat of a workaholic and when he’s not working he is fidgeting with computer/gadgets, etc. I love him, dearly, but often feel starved for some of those ‘fun’ activities like you have mentioned.
During our earlier years, we were always doing things, laughing together, hanging out, etc. He has promised me that he is going to back off from his work schedule, but that never happens. We have long talks about this, he makes promises, I believe him and then another year passes with his loaded schedule!
So, there it is. Maybe it’s my age, but I would LOVE to have the togetherness you have described and give up some of the bedroom activities!
I wanted to share with you and ‘expose’ my story, as well. It does feel uncomfortable to share our personal ‘stuff’, but this is why VN is so great! I don’t know if my sharing will help you, but at least you can read one contrasting tale of woe.
Dear Evie,
Thank you for sharing with me here. You, too, are very brave to share deeply personal stuff here. What you describe is exactly what has kept my feet firmly planted in this relationship. I do realize how fortunate I am to have his attention outside the bedroom and that we spend time together. In my past, I was in a brief relationship with a man who only wanted me for the sexual pleasure I could provide for him, and very little more, and that felt empty and awful. I know that doesn’t exactly compare to your marriage because I wasn’t in a committed relationship, but I believe I can relate to what you feel.
A broken promise is a broken promise, no matter the nature of it. When your husband promises you he will cut back his work schedule and doesn’t, I am certain that you feel the same sting of rejection that I feel when my sexual advances are rebuffed. And I’m so sorry that you are going through that.
Evie, are we asking too much to want it all? I don’t think so, but I’m not sure. I hope to hear from other women about both of our situations.
Ginger…
I was married for 12 to my second husband. What started out as fun soon…too soon…turned to not fun. We also did lots of things together – not as interesting as yours. But it changed gradually at first and really fast later. Either he couldn’t or wouldn’t. We talked about it some, but finally I was so angry with the other parts of our marriage, I thought, “What the heck? Why bother?” For the last three years of our marriage, it wasn’t even mentioned. I started sleeping in another room because he was up and down all night, he got up really early in the morning, and he kept me awake. If there is no intimacy, what’s the point of losing sleep? He did ask once, “Aren’t you going to sleep with me?” I almost laughed out loud. He acted like I was the one who turned things off.
I am in the process of divorce…still celibate, and not sure that will ever change. He made me feel unattractive and unwanted. Or, rather, I let him treat me that way.
I have no advice for you except get a good counselor to help you through your emotions. You will have to decide what you are willing to live with, but a counselor can help you clarify that.
And no…you are not alone. I only hope I work through my fears and decide it’s worth a try again.
And I don’t edit very well on these pages because I just want to get my feelings and thoughts on paper. Nobody is critiquing that here. At least I hope not.
Dear Vicky,
I’m sorry that you are going through this, too, especially the part where he made you feel unwanted and unattractive. I hope that your forced celibacy ends soon, if that’s what you want, and it sounds like you might want that after you’ve had some time to deal. You are not alone, either. I wish I could offer you some pearls of wisdom now, but of course, I am in a similar situation, although I haven’t made the decision to go forward with a divorce. I don’t understand this situation that we find ourselves in… so often, we hear about men complaining about a non-interested wife, but I’m discovering that women are experiencing this, too. I hope you keep us updated as your divorce progresses.
I am living a similar existence without the sex. It has been almost 4 years now and I am not a happy person. I rarely smile, let alone laugh. I find little to rejoice in other than my grown children. He is kind and loving in every way, but the intimacy is gone. He had prostate cancer and his prostate was removed. We were told it would take time, to be patient and above all to try. He assumed he would not need to put forth effort because prior to the surgery, we had a very active sex life. His masculinity has been threatened by all of this and he has given up.
I will periodically bring it up and always in anger. I feel anger that he has given up on us and chooses to ignore how we have drifted apart. We are both relatively young. Me at 51 and he at 57. He’s been sick wiith a cold and cough and I suggested the other room. It has been over 2 weeks now and frankly I am enjoying my space. I resented his presence in our marital bed because “nothing” was happening. I am a bitter, angry woman with much resentment. Therapy didn’t help. He was told to start trying with me. He tried one night, we had some success but it wasn’t “like before” in his mind. That was a year ago and since then my feelings for him have disingrated drastically. Whereas he says he loves me daily and says he feels no change in this area.
I don’t know how long I can continue living like this. I am upset to see myself change to such an angry, bitter, and argumentative woman. I rarely have anything nice to say to him. I criticize him constantly over every little thing and I am ashamed of myself. He says he is not interested in physical intimacy and for me to learn to deal with it as he has…
Dear Renee,
My sympathies for your husband’s cancer. I am imagining myself in your situation, and I fathom that if I were in your situation, I’d feel some guilt for even expressing feelings of dissatisfaction for the loss of intimacy. Does this make sense? I mean, the cancer is front and center, and when do you get heard / acknowledged? The thing that troubles me in your situation and in mine (although we are not dealing with cancer) is that there are many thigns that our husbands could do to keep us sexually satisfied that do not involve actual intercourse. If the circumstances were reversed and I had a catastrophic illness that prevented me from being able to have intercourse with my husband, I’m damn sure that I would take care of him in other ways, like with oral sex. I’m frustrated for me and for you, and I’m sorry you are going through this. Anger, resentment, loss of feelings of love… it’s all justified.
I think this topic needs to be discussed more. You hear men complain about no sex. But, I think there are a large number of women who aren’t getting enough sex too.
I’ve been in a celibate marriage for 13 years. The forced celibacy began when I stopped begging for sex.
Crikey. When there is no physical problem, but just every excuse under the sun, you just can’t figure it out. Why should a woman have to chase her healthy, attractive husband down for sex?
But, I did. Until I quit. Once I quit, we stopped having sex. I have asked him twice if he is gay. He denies it. But has never offered me any logical explanation for not wanting to have sex with me.
We are now separated.
Magnolia
Dear Magnolia,
I agree with you 100%! We must explore this topic further. Eloquently said… “Crikey. When there is no physical problem, but just every excuse under the sun, you just can’t figure it out.” When I ask my husband why he doesn’t want to have sex with me, won’t have sex with me, can’t have sex with me, the standard answer is “I don’t know.” And then my inner voice starts looking for the answer, which is never good. I really have to fight the self-degradation. Crap!
I’ve asked my husband, too, if he is gay. There are times when I secretly wish this were true. At least there would be a valid reason.
I admire you for your ability to quit and move on with the separation. Go onward with strength.
The lack of sex was only one part of the reason we are separated, Ginger.
But, frankly, unless both parties are in agreement with no sex, for one spouse to deprive another of due benevolence is probably as destructive as adultery on a marriage.
I suspect my husband’s issues are very deep and very emotionally based. But, at this rate, I’m too tired to try to work through that stuff with him. Besides, he doesn’t think he has a problem.
So, what else can you do? It has been a deeply painful decision for me that did not come about in haste.
While I don’t relish the idea of living my life alone, at least I can regain some self-respect and dignity and not have a constant reminder that I’m not good enough for some one under the same roof with me.
Magnolia
are we asking too much to want it all?
Well, if we don’t we will never have a chance of getting it
Well said, Guilded Lilly.
You are right Guilded Lily…I have given all my life so others could have it all. I always want the ones I love to have it all…but I never seem to think I am worth it all.
Ginger, you have opened up an important topic, and I applaud your courage and willingness to share.
This topic is very near, but not so dear, to my heart. I’ve been with my spouse for 10 years (second marriage for both). I’m 58, he’s 67. He had ED when I met him because of BP meds. We still were able to have great sex for 4 or 5 years. He was the first one to give me multiple orgasms (which, I thought was a myth) and we didn’t need intercourse. Then, I went through menopause and wasn’t interested in sex for a couple of years and he never said a word. At the time, I thought he was being very patient.
I got through menopause and was ready to roll again. Unfortunately, he’d lost interest all together and told me to just nudge him when I wanted it and he would comply. Not the words I wanted to hear, but okay.
I was the initiator several times but felt I could do the job better myself. We talked and he finally told me that he’s had a low libido all his life which was news to me because he didn’t seem that way in the beginning. He also told me that he was happy to help me out when I needed it, but I told him that I didn’t feel comfortable unless I knew he was enjoying it, too, and that I needed to feel desired.
He told me that I should grow up and just know that he loves me. Wanting to be desired is something that younger women want and older women should know it without hearing the words. WTF?
Needless to say, I don’t initiate anymore, but during weak moments, I argue and cry until my self-esteem is in the toilet. Then I come back to reality.
He is very good to me and is a great companion. He’s also supporting me financially right now, but hopefully not forever.
He goes to bed much later than I do and knows that I use a viberator. He hasn’t said it, but I’m sure he relieved that I don’t bother him anymore.
It’s been difficult for me and I started counseling about a month ago, although, he thinks it’s for self-confidence issues. It is in a way.
Recently, I’ve started having online and phone sex with a man I was aquainted with years ago, but we live on opposite coasts. I must say, it has boosted my self-esteem, but I really miss being with a real live man. My counselor gave me a book to read called Secret Loves: Women with Two Lives by Sonya Friedman, Ph.D. I’m reading it now.
Thank you for starting this post, Ginger, and everybody who has commented. Maybe we can find a solution together.
Boomerbabe,
I’m sad that you are in this situation, too. It IS a confidence killer! I was in individual therapy for almost a year until about 10 months ago. My counselor and I decided that I had made tremendous progress, and that I would just be with myself for a while and then come back later. I wasn’t ready to deal with our sexual dysfunction then, but she is aware and knows that this will be my next topic of exploration. I hope you can work through the low self-esteem that accompanies feeling that you are not desired. I have my own selection of vibrators, too, but a vibrator is not enough. It sounds like we’re in almost the same situation – with men who are otherwise good to us and treat us well. It’s confusing as hell!
I decided to ‘Google’ this problem and found lots of good information. This article is particularly interesting: http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1728520,00.html “The Sex Starved Wife: What to Do When He Has Lost Desire” sounds like a good book!
There is help out there, but will require pro-activity and determination to find the answers! Let’s keep searching for answers!
Okay, Evie. I just ordered a couple of Weiner-Davis’s books. I’ll let you know how things go.
Ginger,
I’m glad you have ordered the books. Honestly, I think the more you educate yourself, in this area, the more you will come to understand and resolve this life problem.
I know, you know, how fortunate you are to have a sweet, loving, husband! Do all you can to NOT get a divorce!
One thing I would like to add, to these many wonderful responses (you’re right, so much wisdom, here!), but as you age what your husband has to offer, his thoughtfulness/companionship, will mean the world to you! It’s difficult to weigh these things, but age does change the importance of some things…just trust me on this.
You’ve brought quite a subject to the table! Who knew?
A must watch video, ladies! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h2gmSilrmMI&feature=related
Evie,
I almost feel Weiner-Davis heard my story and is talking back to me in the video. I might even order the book. My husband agrees to get help, but doesn’t follow through with a doctor visit. I’m feeling hopeful, more because I’m feeling empowered. Thanks for posting the article and video.
Ginger,
I thought you would like that video! I’m so glad you feel more empowered! She suggested that if your hubby is at all agreeable to seeing a doctor, you make the appointment, immediately! : )
I hope we hear back from you and that things have improved! Fingers crossed!!
Evie,
Thanks for sharing the referral to the video. It is too late for me to benefit, personally, from the info but it is great to know that this is a subject that many of us deal with and I will refer others to the video.
I am divorced and “lack of intimacy” was “part” of the reason that my 24 year marriage ended.
This is so common! I think it’s very common…I think it starts as soon as a woman has the first child; thinking back about how my husband changed, and how other friends had the same response from their husbands. Also, while with a group of moms together with our kids at the park, a group of moms mostly 10-15 years younger than me, one asked if anyone else had stopped having sex, and everyone laughed and said “What’s that?!” I was surprised to hear this from this diverse and younger group of women. Also, I think with overwork, alcohol,
financial issues, lack of exercise, tv remote control with 200+ sports channels, and access to all sorts of visual stimuli, men are not seeking their partners as much.
I agree, finding a good counselor to talk this through with, where you feel you can confidentially share and be guided effectively, is crucial.
Affording one, and having a window of time to do so, is not easy either.
Anonymous,
I’m sure you’re right… children, finances, the many distractions… all of it is related. My situation is different where the babies are concerned because we don’t have any children together. At work, I have access to a counselor for an hourly session every week, and there’s no charge. On top of that, I can take the hour out of my work day. My husband has agreed to join me, but hasn’t followed through yet, and I quit pushing the issue because arguing about going to counseling feels just like arguing about the lack of sex. I’m sick of pushing him.
OK I am going to go there…not bashing all men…but close enough because many of women’s sexual problems have to do with men!!(only somewhat tongue in cheek /satirical here) Please realize that these comments do not cover all men. Many of them are wonderful, mature, loving and caring and brilliant in relating to women. This is commentary on those men who aren’t!
The Syndrome Theories~
(and I welcome any serious, humorous and all creative additions!! Because I think given the productive and positive circumstances we women are amazingly passionate, sensuous and sensual…much moreso than the male of the species. We have just been hampered under the male need to control what they can’t understand OR match!)
The Wifey-Mommy Syndrome: When we are in our younger years and decide to bear children, we suddenly become someone’s Mommy. Not the hot , desirable chick of a husband’s dream world that he thinks will be at his beck and call and fabulously fulfill every sexual need he thinks he might have, forever. We are someone’s MOM. Like his Mom was his mom. It can really play havoc with some men’s brain, and libidos.
The Take My Wife Syndrome: The more middle years when the headache, frigid and ”My wife is so _______”fill in the blank, sexual jokes that more often than not are made in public and in frat boy style to make the rest of the male audience at hand think that the joker is one testosterone driven dude and his wife a sexual loser. AND more often than not are the total opposite of the true situation.
The Grass and Ass is Greener Syndrome: Everyone else’s wife is more desirable and potentially sex worthy because maybe SHE will think he is God’s Gift, and in paying attention to her and making pointed comments about her, will bring his wife down and divert attention away from the fact that he isn’t.very.good at sexuality and sex.
Anyone else care to theorize?
Guilded Lilly,
LOL, those theories are good! I think I’ll add a variation of your Wifey-Mommy theory… I’m strong, outspoken, and independent, just like my husband’s late mother. Perhaps he sees his mother when he looks at me? Ouch!
Ginger,
I was a rather naive 20 something when I was married to my first husband – Stanford PhD. He was smart, romantic and loving but crickets chirping in bed for almost 9 years! It was only when I finally decided to divorce him that he actually tried to make love to me – too late. But then my second husband, corporate executive, was into sex as an extreme sport (it might as well have been solo since i didn’t really need to be there, mentally, that is), well, that was even worse …. for 18 years. Then I had the awakening – in other words, I discovered my sexual self! At first, I thought my current beau was pretty stuffy (he is a 58 year old grandfather) but he has taken me on several extraordinary adventures. The first Valentines Day, he took me to a Puja Party (I jokingly called it the orgy.. but no one took off any clothes) then he surprised me last Valentines by signing me up for a sex workshop run by Mary Jo Fay, http://www.meetup.com/TheIntimacyCollege/. My beau had attended a workshop by her and was so impressed, he signed me up, too. What a hoot! My group had women of all ages, it was wonderful to be able to ask questions and talk about EVERYTHING and it was so much fun! And there’s been other adventures …. (maybe i’ll tell you another time.)
So I guess I just wanted to say that I feel like Goldilocks in search of the g spot – too cold, too hot and finally in my mid 50′s….. just right. So do not despair, Ginger! If I can do it – you can do it. :)
Margaret,
Are you sure we weren’t married to the same men? I love your description… “sex as an extreme sport.” My ex was very sexually driven and we had a lot of fun in bed, but not much else. I always thought that had I been diagnosed with a catastrophic illness, he wouldn’t have stood by me, and I’m sure I was right. It wasn’t long after that divorce that I met and married my current husband. I’m not ready to say it’s over, but I know what I want when I want it. One of the plusses of getting older. I love that your current beau wants to expand your horizons. Please do tell your adventures. I promise to keep them a secret!
You know…I guess I will wait for an emotional connection. Sex, to me, is more about what’s in my head first. Once in awhile I see someone who seems like he might tick all the boxes…no pun intended, but I’m never really interested enough to bother. I finally wrote down what I will be looking for when I decided to look.
1. Financially secure…I do not respect men who expect me to pay for everything. My almost last ex husband spent every dime he had and a lot of what I had…and I am left with his debt…which I assumed just to get it over with. I still cam out better off.
2. Along with financial security I want someone who is generous, and not just to me. I want someone who sees the needs of others and quietly steps in to help to the degree he can.
3. Those two add up to security, and that is important to me.
4. Someone with a sense of humor, but not at the expense of others. I don’t like it when people make fun of others.
5. Someone who won’t be flattered and succumb to every short skirt that walks by (first ex husband).
6. Someone who will at least pretend to think my daughters, sister, niece, nephew, etc. Are as wonderful as I know they are.
7. Someone who appreciates when I cook a special meal or his favorite cake…and doesn’t criticize (ex 2)
8. Someone who notices when I dress up amd smell good.
9. Someone who is masculine, but not macho.
10. Smart, but not smart a…e
In return, I will respect, lift up, and support. And not expect perfection, since I am far from it.
I guess I want a lover, not just sex. Is that too much to ask?
“I guess I want a lover, not just sex. Is that too much to ask?”
Never too much to ask
I think part of women’s problems along this line…(and mine as well, it is something I have struggled with my whole adult life) is that we have often been too afraid to go for what WE want because of the unsaid social rule out there that strongly insinuates that we should not ASK for what we want, but be satisfied with what we can get.
Wisdom comes with experience and age, I know, but we do a great injustice to ourselves and our gender when we buy into the concept that there is something wrong with women asking and searching for/demanding what we want.
Yes, asking, but not petitioning, not begging, not sulking, just asking because we want it.
Vicky,
Your list has inspired me. I’m currently working on one about what I want for myself. More to come…
By our age, like Ginger and Vicky, we know what a good man is and we appreciate those qualities. But as Ginger points out – what do you do when the missing puzzle piece is his desire for her? Somehow I think it’s a different problem than the other way around. Living in a society where we expect men to take action, to have initiative, to be sensitive as well as strong, to be breadwinners as well as partners – it might be useful to remember not all societies have the same expectations. It would be interesting to compare ED statistics with economic/cultural data…
Margaret,
I’d LOVE to compare our ED statistics to other cultures and countries. You ask the important question… what do you do? One thing I realize is that discussing this here has given me a sense of empowerment, like I’m doing something toward a solution, whatever it is I decide. I appreciate ALL the feedback here.
Vicky!
I think he is out there, but you talk about ‘a needle in a haystack’! Lol
Really, your special dream man sounds perfect and I hope he is out there waiting just for you!
I totally agree with you about the “emotional connection” part! Sex is only good when we have that with our guy, no doubt about it! People who are looking just for the ‘thrill’ of sex often end up with empty lives.
Your list is wonderful and I wish it could be in the hands of every woman looking for Mr. Right.
This has been a great topic!
Evie,
The amazing intelligence and thoughtful responses in this topic have made this a meaningful topic for me. Forget men! (Well, for a moment.) We could fix all the problems in the world with this small group of Vibrant Women here!!
Thank you for your post. I posted something on this order in 2010. Well, I’ve had no sex since 12/2010. I found my husband online. He visited me and I him and we both enjoyed each other but when he moved here, getting a new job as a manager and using the excuse that the Cialis wasn’t working, he has resigned the whole idea.
He kept saying that he would get the Cialis he needed but it was too expensive. I even told him I would give him the money for it. Still no Cialis for two years.
He has an iliostomy and has had it for 30 years. It may be a reason for not having any impulse or desire for me. I am the one that goes over to him and get a hug or a kiss. He doesn’t do it on his own…very rarely.
I am a worship leader at our church. He doesn’t go with me but we do go fishing whenever the weather gets warmer here. That is one thing we do together. He is a great cook and spends more time in the kitchen than me. He says it’s his Cajun roots. He also likes to hunt but hasn’t since he moved here from Texas.
I know there are no sex therapists here where we live. We live in a small town. Although we have two hospitals, there are specialists in this area.
I feel for you and wished I had a solution for you and for myself.
I lost my former husband to cancer and we enjoyed sex at least twice a week until he got cancer and then said “I’m not any good for you anymore” . We were married for 27 years. When he got cancer there was no sex at all for two and 1/2 years until his death.
Although i’m not getting what I need in this relationship, I keep myself busy with church and my side business in Avon.
Any suggestions from you ladies?
Kathryn,
I’m so sorry about the loss of your former husband AND the loss of the physical connection in your current relationship. So many of us are living the same outcome stemming from different physical and emotional problems, making the solution (Cialis? sex therapy? separation? doing nothing?) complex and difficult to determine. My heart hurts that your former husband would think that “he wasn’t any good for you anymore.” I wish a solution for you, too.
O wow, I knew there was a lot of women not getting any sex but here is one more story. I’ve been married to the same man for 38 years, since I was 16 and him 22, we had so much sex in the first 28 years I figured it kind of made up for the lack of interest that slowly overcame our sex life. At first I fussed too but he honestly makes me feel sexy, loved and interesting in so many other ways I finally took the plunge and bought a BOB (battery operated boyfriend) got over my embarrassment and literally took charge of my own sexual needs. Is that a perfect solution? no. But if you have a great guy who simply can’t or won’t perform any more for whatever reason but he makes you feel loved, cared for and desired in other ways take a moment and ask yourself which you would miss more his presence in your life or that orgasm? I really miss making love too but I would miss him so much more.
Wildwestgal,
BOB! Love it! I’ve become great friends with my fave vibrator, too. Your words touched me, and I agree with you, “But if you have a great guy who simply can’t or won’t perform any more for whatever reason but he makes you feel loved, cared for and desired in other ways take a moment and ask yourself which you would miss more his presence in your life or that orgasm? I really miss making love too but I would miss him so much more.” I’m not ready to walk out yet. I would miss my husband so much. Torn…
Well, I guess that *is* a solution. I’m all about BOBs. What I have a serious problem with though, is that ONE person is deciding there is no longer going to be sex.
That REALLY bothers me. I know there are extenuating issues that present themselves that really can’t be helped. But when there are no physical reasons and the person who pulls the plug on the sex just quits being involved…..I dunno…..it’s terribly selfish if you ask me.
I know plenty of couples who are truly happily married and have no sex life at all. But, it was a MUTUAL decision and not thrust (pardon the pun) upon the other partner without their agreement.
Magnolia
“but he makes you feel loved, cared for and desired in other ways ”
ah, there’s the rub!
In many instances, a man equates his penis as the prime and only necessary tool for sexual satisfaction in a woman. That always helps (grin) and is always grand if they truly know how to use it well enough to satisfy both partners. But in truth, a woman can use other methods if all she wants is penetration. Penis envy is a man made hope and theory. We need more. We need passionate intelligence.
Women can be satisfied sexually and reach orgasm without the actual intercourse. It’s one of our most charming and envied feminine abilities. (small smile). We are even more overcome with that delicious high when the one providing the transporation to sexual fullfillment is the man we have chosen to love.
When a man genuinely is unable to physically perform for reasons beyond his capacity, there are plenty of ways he can show affection, attention and sensual passion for his partner.
However if the rest of his body, including his mind, refuses to work towards that goal as well, then a difficult choice might need to be made.
I think it is often quite impossible for a man to understand that the whole package of affection and sensual attention is part and parcel to a woman’s utter delight in making love.
Guilded Lilly,
Quoting you, “When a man genuinely is unable to physically perform for reasons beyond his capacity, there are plenty of ways he can show affection, attention and sensual passion for his partner.” This has been the crux of the argument I’ve had with my husband. The evening I posted this topic, I blew up at my husband and screamed (not the right thing to do, I realize) this very thing to him. I calmed down and we had a meaningful discussion. More to come…
Well this certainly is a topic that seems to be “near and dear” to many of us. I definitely do not feel as alone as I have been feeling. It’s hard to be in mixed company and to listen to the jokes and the innuendos of a sexual nature that men as well as women enjoy. It’s hard to listen to other women discuss their sex lives with free abandon. I even find it difficult to watch lovemaking in a movie or on tv or read about it in books.
The frustrating thing about all this for me is that he is capable of getting an erection. It doesn’t last as long and it may not be quite as firm, but we were told by doctors including a sex therapist to PRACTICE often. Trying often we were told will improve his sexual function. He feels it requires too much work. If it doesn’t come naturally, than why bother. The day I wrote my last message here, I blew up at him almost immediately after and spilled my sorry guts on how miserable I was, and how frustrated I was, and how very, very angry I was with him for giving up essentially on us. I basically was a screaming, raging shrew and I dislike myself for behaving this way. He was sorry, said he understood, and then asked me if I would feel better if I hit or punched him. How ridiculous is that! I told him I had no desire to hit him, I just wanted him to put effort into this. Just because he has given up on sex, does not mean I have.
I find my self esteem is shattered because of all of this. I have exercised all my life and am in excellent physical health. But I see the lines on my face and I feel so disheartened. I look in the mirror and feel that I look so old…of course he wouldn’t be interested…look at me! Makeup and colouring the grey out of my hair cannot disguise the fact that I am almost 52. He says he still finds me attractive and it’s just him. It would be so nice to feel desirable again. A vibrator can never make you feel wanted. He’s loving, kind, and generous in everything else except this. It’s the fact that he has given up on us and refuses to try (especially when doctors have told him to do so) that I find insulting to me. If I was as important as he says, you would think he would want to please me. You would think he would want a wife who laughed and smiled again and found pleasure in life. We have money, we travel, we own a lovely home and a cottage…but money does not buy happiness!
Before this, it was not uncommon to have sex 4 – 5x a week. It was wonderful and I felt wonderful. And now zilch, zero, nothing…He says he will try. I’m still waiting…
Renee M,
(Hopefully this isn’t a duplicate response. Laptop having technical issues.)
We have so much in common. My husband can get an erection, too. A naturopath we worked with briefly told us PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE. We did for a short time. This went okay until we had an argument about something unrelated to sex and we returned to our old roles of him not wanting to and me asking why. I’m sad to say that I can get vicious with my comments to him. It seems impossible that we could get past this impasse.
I’ve exercised and taken care of myself, too, although I certainly don’t look the way I did when we met. I gained weight before discovering I have a problem with grains/wheat/sugar, but I’ve lost most of it. He swore that he loved me no matter what, but I’m sure it didn’t help our situation. I blew up my husband, too, and gave him an ultimatim, which I know is another sex-killer. But what do I have to lose? There is a great divide that seems impossible to cross.
You’re right, money doesn’t buy happiness. I sincerely hope that you and I and all the others who’ve posted here or those who haven’t can get past this, whether it’s on our own or within the relationship.
I am so sorry you are going through this, I too went through something similar. I blamed it on our jobs, he works as a conductor for a major railroad and was on call 24/7 365, and mine was fairly normal but shift work, either 7-3 or 3-11.
He would get home from work at any hour of the day or night, get on the computer and start playing games, then he started playing on sites that had chat. To make a long story short, he found his true love online, I gave him a choice I told him it’s either me or her, he said he didn’t know, I told him wrong answer. We divorced, I found someone new and have remarried, he is still single, so much for his true love of the chat room.
Crabbyoldwoman (LOL, you’re user ID!),
Good news that you were able to move on. Who said, “living well is the best revenge?”
This is terribly frustrating, and I am sorry for your experience. I am a psychologist and sex therapist. Not much is known about low desire in men, but one thing is certain–your husband must see a doctor and get his testosterone tested. I would also recommend the book Rekindling Desire
by McCarthy and McCarthy. Finally, go to http://www.aasect.org to find a certified sex therapist who can help the two of you. It may take a long time to put your sex life back together, but it can be done. Best wishes to you.
Dr. Buehler,
Thank you for sharing your expertise here. I will get the book and check out the website. I sense a crazy streak of optimism dominating our relationship for the last few days. I seriously think that energy set in motion after posting here followed by the discussion that my husband and I had (after I blew up at him andthen we calmed down, and talked for more an hour) has created a bit of a breakthrough. I am cautiously optimistic. I will seek a therapist, although I’m certain it will involve travel as we are far from even a small city. I believe it will be worth it.
Dr. Buehler writes “Not much is know about low desire in men”. Exactly what I was thinking. I am 57. I am married for the second time to a man who is truly my “soul mate” (overused as that term is). My first husband was verbally abusive, made me feel like he was doing me a favor having sex with me, and generally treated me like an accessory. I had multiple (and emotionally unsatisfactory) affairs the last 5 years of our marriage before finally divorcing him after 30 years. My much younger second husband (a 15 year difference), to whom I have been married for 10 years, is wonderful. He is handsome and well respected in his profession. I feel loved, cherished, beautiful, supported in every way; we enjoy each others company and share love of travel, books, entertainment. Perfect together. But, despite tests revealing that his levels are fine, he has always had a low drive. I suspected this before we married, due to some physiologically damaging events in his life (yes, he and we received counseling before and after marriage about this). Some traumatic personal and professional experiences for both of us in the last 6 years made intercourse a rare event. I think the last time was 4 years ago and he couldn’t finish, although he always made sure I was happy. And we are extremely physically affectionate in every other way. I used to cry, to nag, to accuse him of all sorts of things. I understand now that he is one of these men who culture assumes do not exist…one with a very low sex drive. But, I wouldn’t trade him for the world. Do I miss it? Of course, and he does, as well. But, I would miss him far more if we weren’t together. It would tear my heart out. The reason I am writing this is that I really did think we were very rare. Now, I realize it is a problem, and a significant one, for many other women. Every person has to make their own choice, and those choices are tough ones. For me, I’ve weighed all the wonderful things about our marriage with the ONE thing that may be considered a problem, and decided it wasn’t going to be a problem. My thoughts with all of you going through this. It’s tough.
Anonymous 10:54,
You said something so important in your post, …we are extremely physically affectionate in every other way.” I think that if my husband and I were affectionate in other ways, I could be satisfied. We seem to be moving toward this now, and this is new, only since my first post here. I am hopeful. I am shocked, too, at how many others have posted similar problems here. It makes me sad, but no doubt, I am comforted to not be alone (although I don’t want anyone else to go throught this). Thanks for thinking of me and I will think of you, also. Like you said, tough choices, for sure.
I appreciate the recommendation to this website DrStephanieBuehler but alas my husband has stated firmly and unequivocally that he will not be going to another therapist again. Once was enough. Our medical plan covered a substantial portion of it, and he was still upset when he had to pay the remaining fee. I cannot go for counselling on my own either, as he refuses to pay for that. SO that’s completely out of the question.
I appreciate his other wonderful qualities, but this problem seems to permeate all other areas of our relationship because I make it so… What else can we do? We as in the other women here dealing with this same scenario. I don’t want to divorce him, but on the other hand I don’t know how long I can continue this charade of a marriage. It’s not just him that I am angry with. I am also angry at myself for behaving like a shrew all the time. I am very critical of him in a very destructive way. I am rude and nasty. I don’t like myself. People who know me feel that I am a sweet, kind and good natured person. I am with others. I am not however, this way alone with my husband. He tolerates my behavior at best and overlooks my insults. Maybe he feels this is penance for his part in the whole equation. I don’t know. All I know is that I am miserable and apparently some of you feel the same way. It’s hard to feel powerless and hopeless in a relationship, isn’t it?!
Renee,
Me, too, hating the woman I become when I get angry at my husband for this. I’m making up my mind that I won’t do this anymore. It doesn’t help, (it surely hurts), and it won’t change my situation. I am determined to examine my part in this and change whatever I need to change.
20 years for me and separate bedrooms for last 8 years. I no longer care. He treats me well otherwise and I didn’t want a divorce. Affairs are too sticky…didn’t want that too. So, I made a decision to be happy regardless of my situation. Anybody who sees us would never guess…
Anonymous 12:30,
Your decision to be happy (and it is a decision, no matter the situation), is admirable and honorable. I will work on following your lead. I sincerely meant what I said in my original post, that my life is very good except for this ONE thing. Deciding to be happy…
Didn’t get to read through all 40+ comments. Perhaps this was addressed already. If so, sorry for the repeat. Check out Androgel — it’s a prescription. But their website has great information about how to talk to the doctor. Good luck!
Lswi,
Going there now! Thanks for the advice.
Because each of us is broken, we give and receive imperfectly. Ginger, I love your honesty and the responses to that. Let’s face it, we’re all in less-than-ideal marriages, jobs, families, etc., partly because we ourselves are less than perfect!
Our culture tells us we should expect to “have it all” and have everything the way we want it. Sex is idealized in our culture; we read and watch TV about fantasy attractions, hot sex, and ongoing passion.
However, we negotiate through true life scenarios of great joys and blessings AMONG illness, broken families, crime, and other “awfuls” and “unexpecteds.” As a Christian female pastor, I’d encourage you to count your blessings, name them one by one, and you will be amazed what God has done. We live in a time when women have a voice, when we can count on warm bedding, shelter, enough food, and friends who love and encourage us. (I’ve just wrapped up a PhD dissertation on C19/early C20 women, and let me tell you, we haven’t had those blessings until recent centuries! Today we expect more because we live in abundance. We are taught that we can have it all, the best of everyone else’s life, without their hardships.)
I hear your pain, having experienced many challenges in 35 years of marriage. There have been many times when I wondered if God was playing a cruel joke by bringing us together. But the stamina of staying with a good man (not a perfect one) builds character and love, trust and hope. I hear those qualities growing in you. Bravo.
Sex is a big part of marriage, which is why St. Paul forbade the withholding of it except for “fasts” during religious devotion. It’s not everything though nor the definition of all parts of married intimacy. You now know now that you’re not alone in celibacy (and actually not unusual in my experience as a counselor, though the media – and the shamed secrecy of most men and women in the same situation – suggest otherwise otherwise.)
You made a promise to love and cherish in sickness and health: this is an emotional/physical/spiritual health issue. Pragmatically, if you leave your marriage behind, there will be deep regrets unless you find all the other fantastic qualities of your current one-and-only PLUS good sex.
You’re in my prayers today. Persevere, and see what God will do. My wise mum always said, “The cross is shaped to your own back. If you look in another woman’s window, you would not want to trade all your own sorrows for all of hers.”
Ladies, we’ve got a wonderful group of 50+ here. Though my beliefs collide sometimes with other ideas, I thank God for you, a virtual community of supporters and thinkers, living life as best we know how. God bless and keep you; I often learn and find encouragement from you as a woman in ministry.
Rosemariek,
My words cannot adequately express what a lovely post you have shared. Counting my blessings now. Thank you for praying for me and all of us. I will persevere. I simply can’t walk out now.
Wow! This is an interesting topic for me. Almost 3 years ago I discovered that my husband of 29 years had been having an affair with an”escort” who is 30 years younger than him. It started when he was 50 and she was 20. When I discovered this he was 61 and I was 56. Then I started digging and found out that he had been seeing another ”escort” for the last year and a half and had been having very long term emotional affairs with 2 other women – one an old girlfriend he had almost married. I was devastated and had not seen this coming at all. No one else knew about this – no one. When this 11 years affair started we lived in another city, had 2 kids in high school, my husband was a well respected president of a company, our marriage was great and our sex life was very good. Over the years he quit different jobs, was home for a good bit of time although he still traveled for work, drinking increased and age became an issue for him – a mid life crisis gone wild. The kids graduated from college and had good lives. We moved to the beach. The kids moved out of the area for jobs. What should have been the best time of our lives started turning into a nightmare. He lost a job, was obsessed about his age and money, we were both unhappy and drinking too much, especially him. He was taking addictive sleeping meds and other meds, drinking all day, which I was not aware of. I tried to give him space – stuipid me! I got him to go to counseling and he wasn’t honset but pretended to get better. We were living a lie and I didn’t even know it. He continued to tell me he loved me every day and how fortunate we were that we had such a good marriage. The last few years before I found out about all this he lost interest in sex. We still had sex but not often, like before, and I had to initiate. I would get upset and try to talk to him and he would say that he’s getting older and maybe I should find a young stud! I didn’t want a young stud – I wanted him! Our sex life had pretty much dried up and I was contenplating a life with no sex – it depressed me so much. Then I found out about his betrayals. It was terrible. We have been through 3 years of hell and back -counseling, rehab, me ranting etc. I discovered he was really into porn and was watching it all day and after I went to bed. From the first he said it was 100% his fault, his issues -some stemming from childhood. He took responsibility for his actions (he had also given me herpes) and, after a few months became totally transparent, apolgized to me constantly and to our kids – everyone knew. He was ashambed and embarrassed. I was still so hurt I kept hurting him back in every way I could. I was never unfaithful – had no interest in it but had always enjoyed sex and had been so frustrated with his lack of interest for years. Our sex life started to improve greatly and is now pretty good. He takes Cialis. It works for both of us. He now works for me. I had a small real estate brokerage that I worked at part time. We are expanding the company and starting to see some success. We are still on a long road back but I have decided to stay with him. It took me well over 2 years to decide that. I never ever thought he could be unfaithful to me. Everyone was shocked. People he use to travel with told me I never had to worry about him. He always treated me well but he manipulated me into believing what he wanted me to believe over the years. To those of you with husbands who are not interested in sex I suggest that you start snooping a bit – check out the cell phone (I found out when I overheard a call on a secret cell phone of his), his computer, email etc. Just make sure. I wish I would have found this out years ago. I would have acted much differently. I trusted him 100% and now that’s gone. Our lives will never be the same. Probably your husbands are not unfaithful. I thouoght the same thing – it never crossed my mind. I wish you all the best and will say that I am enjoying a better sex life now than I ever thought possible 7 years ago but it has come at a huge price. If the sex goes I may just go also.
Jeannie Wilson,
What a journey your have traveled! I commend the two of you for staying together, and for creating a new way to love and trust. I wish you success in your relationship and in your business. I love real estate (I was an agent years ago) and envy your position (in a good way). I am encouraged by you and others who found a new way, and others who moved on, too. It has crossed my mind that my husband could be cheating. I don’t think I’m in denial and he’s pretty transparent, too. I think I’m ready for the truth of that’s the case. I don’t think this is our problem, but I’m ready to discuss it with him.