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I recently found out my “boyfriend” of seven years is married. Hot Conversation

Hi.  I am brand new to this site.  I found it while browsing the subject ”my partner is married” on the internet. 

I just found (two weeks ago) that I man I had been seeing seriously for seven years is married.  I suspected he had girlfriends but never that he was married.  I am devastated and conflicted. 

I have ended all communication with him, except for e-mails regarding finances.  I am broke and jobless.  I expect him to pay me money every month until I am employed.  He’s giving me $ for basics.  I feel he owes me something for the pain and humiliation he’s caused me.  His apologies did nothing to alleviate these feelings.  I can’t talk to friends or family about it, because I’m so embarrassed. I told them, though.  Not much comfort from them.

I am conflicted because of his wife.  I haven’t told her, but feel in my gut she has a right to know.  I’m wondering if anyone out there has any advice.  If your husband had been cheating on you – serious affair – for seven years, would you want to know?  And, how would you react?  What would be the best way to tell her?  I can’t tell her – if I do – until I am financially on my feet – may take a few months – would this late telling anger the wife?  I don’t want her mad at me!  I need some objective advice.  My mind is not clear and I am struggling with functioning.

Posted in family & relationships, love & sex.

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38 Responses

  1. Generic Image KGrandma says

    I’m so sorry for your pain. I’m sure that you are feeling stupid and embarrassed and angry and humiliated — maybe much more — and I hope that you can get on your feet and away from him all together quickly. Taking his money will keep you tied to him.

    Do not tell his wife. Not now, not ever. It’s not for you to do, and you are not her friend. NOT. If you were, you wouldn’t have been sleeping with her husband. She does NOT need the “other woman” coming to her for some sort of cleansing ritual. This is for him to deal with. Chances are good that she already knows, or guesses. He will undoubtedly not stop with you, and this is NOT a job for you. It might make you feel better, getting back at him by literally tearing his marriage to shreds, but the feeling will be temporary. Please don’t do it. The affair wasn’t intentional. This would be malicious.

    Get a job, get a life, move on. Learn from your mistakes and don’t make the situation any worse than it already is. I hope that you heal quickly and emerge stronger and wiser. We’ve all done things we regret. Forgive yourself, smile, and know that life keeps getting better.

    6 like

    • watermusic watermusic says

      Good advice as always. I’m really sorry for what you’re going through. His marriage is none of your business, Your only business now is taking care of yourself.  I would be hell and damned if I would wait for him to give me money because that will just keep you tied to him. Unless he is going to give you money willingly I’d walk away. Hang in there, better days are coming. 

      2 like

  2. ThurmanLady ThurmanLady says

    I agree with KGrandma – all of what she said.  I also wouldn’t worry about who is or could be mad at who.  The farther you run from this mess, the better.

    I also noticed that you said that you suspected he had girlfriends even while you were with him.  My question is why would you put up with this kind of “boyfriend”?  You are worth so much more than that!

    My biggest suggestion is to get yourself into counseling to help you deal with the loss and humiliation plus to seek to resolve the issues that would allow you to remain in this kind of “relationship”.  No one deserves that kind of treatment and there is a reason you allowed yourself to be there.  Regain your self-respect and your self-esteem and just plain regain yourself.

    Learn to love yourself, treat yourself with kindness and understanding and accept the fact that you are an amazing woman who deserves only the best.

    Also, please come back and let us know how things are going.

    TL ♥♥

    4 like

  3. grannyinlongjohns grannyinlongjohns says

    How did you miss the fact that he was married???  Were there no signs?  How did he manage to conceal his true identity?

    2 like

    • Generic Image Charlotte H. says

      He was a very clever liar and manipulator.  Anyone can be manipulated by a sociopath or narcissist, or whatever the mental disorder it is that he has.  Hitler.  President Bush.  Osama’s terrorists.  People get duped all the time.  It’s toughest in a close relationship because, well, it’s close.  I didn’t see the signs, because he left no signs.  Just lies, lies, lies.  Hindsight is 20-20.  I have it now! And I am glad.  I was an innocent, trusting person.  Now I am sceptical about men.  Live and learn!

      5 like

  4. She Cat She Cat says

    I have a different take on this…..

    20 years ago, I started dating a guy.  He told my step dad that he was interested in me, and we started dating.  It went on for a few months, I would even call his house and we would talk.  I used to go to his place of work, everything seemed fine. 

    Then I discovered he was living with another woman.  They wern’t married, but engaged and living together.  I DID call her, and we met.  I told her everything, and I ended it with the creep!!!

    She ended up marrying him…Oh god, how stupid some women are!!!! I see him around town sometimes, and he is still a creep in my opinion!!!!!

    I’m sorry this happened, but glad that you walked away…..

    1 like

  5. midnightbloomer midnightbloomer says

    I’m sorry you are in pain, but I’m confused about something.  Why would you feel that he owes you financial support??  You were not married.  Did you give up a career to stay with him?  I can understand him wanting to help you out, and you accepting help until you gain employment, but don’t understand your belief that he owes you monetary compensation for your hurt feelings.  Yes, he lied to you for a long time even though you had suspicions.  But to expect him to support you for hurting your feelings is a puzzle to me.

    2 like

  6. Windancer11 Windancer11 says

    Glad you got away from him.  I agree with others here – find employment – get away from any monetary support from him – discover and love yourself – forgive yourself for getting caught up with him, and just keep moving forward and away from him.  If I were in your situation I would completely focus on myself and getting free of him, and not put any more thought on his wife.  They have their own relationship – you unknowingly got caught up with him – now you know and if it were my decision I would just walk away.  Telling her keeps you involved with him – and keeps him in your life through her – is that what you want?  For me a clean break would be my choice.  Good luck.

    0 like

    • Generic Image Charlotte H. says

      Thank you.  For me, yes, a clean break is healthiest.  However, I feel a sense of sisterhood towards his wife.  However, I have read all the posts and agree to hope that she will find out what he’s really like, eventually, or already knows, or, especially, that he will change his ways and work on being a decent guy. 

      Sisterhood!

      1 like

  7. fayetteSIPP fayetteSIPP says

    You have gotten great advice, I only would like to add not knowing your age , but why would anyone have an ongoing relationship as a boyfriend and girlfriend for seven years and to be on this site I would think you are over 45?…

    So do you feel he owes you anything? …unless you have an arrangement that you would give up your income to do for him and find yourself now jobless?…Are you using your need for money over his head to tell his wife?  While you are going through this period of hurt and unemployment maybe you should consider being honest with yourself for future relationships.

    Now to answer your question of

    How I would react about my husband if this happen to me?

    First of all I always want to know the truth ( even though it may hurt …lies can kill)

    How would I react..that is a question that most women can’t answer until they come to that…but knowing my nature and I don’t believe in fooling around .

    .it would not be too good..and the woman would not be held responsible..but once she knew I know then if she tried to remain in the situation , she would have to take her share of the action, be it legal or whatever.…I do drink caffeine( lol)

    To wait until you are financially OK is quiet selfish , how do you know her or if she is financially or mentally OK?

    Did your finding out “late” make you angry? How do you think the wife will feel when she may be doing without financially and you are getting her share?

    When you ask …If he is having a serious affair ? I have a problem with that question  to me any AFFAIR…WOULD BE SERIOUS …

    if a married man is involved ,especially if it were my husband …I think you were expecting this man to marry you and provide for you this is why you are so especially hurt.

     

    She may or may not be mad at you …but if you are using  extortion to get  money out of her husband to be quite and then you will decide to talk ...she probably will.

    When you  “thought ” he had girlfriends…why did you continue to lean on him for your financial support? you are playing a dangerous game have you seen the news to how many women are seriously  hurt or worst doing what you are doing?

    Your pain may be the only thing that help you see our way out of this situation with wisdom.

    .I am most sorry for your present  condition to not be able to provide for yourself…it seem this is your real concern and getting even by telling the wife.

    Much luck and you are among many who find themselves in this kind of situation so don’t “beat up on yourself”

    Love yourself and know that you are worth more than the money that keeps you connected to someone whom you would like to let go. 

    The one lesson women can get out of this He who holds the strings to the money … is connected to the one who needs it, want it and feels they deserve it lesson to learn…Let each has his or her own.

     

    0 like

    • Generic Image Charlotte H. says

      Thankyou, all for sharing your thoughts and wisdom.  And for your kind words, understanding, and constructive criticisms. 

      I will not tell his wife.  I don’t want to shred their lives, or be a home-wrecker.  That would not have been my intent.  I only felt that I hated so much being a victim of seven years of a fantasy relationship.  Nothing over the past seven years feels real to me.  I am glad that I found out.   I still feel stupid, and humiliated and devastated and hurt.  But, I can get over these feelings – thank you for your optimism and support! – but living a lie would be worse.  Wouldn’t it?  The man I was in love with all those years is not the man I thought he was.  How could anyone deceive like this?  I feel sorry for his wife, and have no malicious intent. 

      It is true that she may suspect.  However, this man is a very clever liar and manipulator.  He is a business man (true) and away on business trips a lot (true, but not always!). From his reaction, when I told him that I found, his wife would be devastated if she found out, and that he would be “ruined”.  I don’t want him to be ruined.  I am not malicious.  I think he learned his lesson, and will think twice before doing this again.  This is very helpful for me, reflecting and writing things down, and getting feedback from wise, intuitive, mature, and experienced women.  I wish his wife the best…but it is true that their married life is none of my business, and it is not my job to interfere.  She may find out what he’s like one day, or he may change.  That is between them, and thank you for pointing this out to me.

      As far as $, well, it is a piddling sum, just enough for me to get by until I am on my feet.  It’s not extortion, because I could get a Whole Lot if I was thinking that way.  I would be a martyr not to accept money from him.  I would be out on the street.  I am an artist – needless to say, I’ve earned very little money – and he always supported me.  I contributed about half to my expenses and he contributed about half.  Meanwhile, I treated him like a king, was compassionate, understanding, attentive…I loved him!   You are all absolutely right that the sooner I can be financially independent, the healthier it will be for me as then I can completely rid myelf of him.

      One thing that is hardest to get over – and this is just personal stuff that I am venting, and I hope you don’t mind! – is that I am devastated that I may never have children.  I am 43 , he is 51.  I wanted a child with him very much.  He did too, he said - but now I know he was just playing the game.  We even went to a sperm bank together, last year.  He said he had a low sperm count, but I wonder if he had had a vasectomy!  Geez, I feel so stupid.  And, I shouldn’t speculate on him, or give him another thought.  But, I am sad that for me to have a child now is probably nil, unless I got knocked up by some stranger or guy I meet in a bar.  No thanks!  I am the biggest fool ever to walk the earth.

      Thank you again for your replies.  I have much more clarity, now.  I have a ways to go, but I am optimistic that I will feel like a complete, wonderful, confident woman again.  Thank you.

      Oh, I should say why I didn’t leave him when I suspected he had a girlfriend(s).  He was a clever liar and manipulator.  And, suspicions are only that, suspicions.  He always explained things away.  I’m not perfect, and feel stupid for believing him.  But, I am honest and trusting.  I can’t go around distrusting or not believing anything people tell me!  I did learn from this mistake.  I urge anyone seeing someone new to protect themselves and ask – gently and kindly – about a person’s background, current situation, and future hopes and plans.  If the person is evasive, distracted, or changes the subject, then I will know he is not the man for me.  I was a dum-dum for not trusting my instincts.  I was smitten with this charmer! 

      Lastly, I found out about him because I googled his name on the internet and a Bed & Breakfast came up with hosts “his name” and “her name”.  I phoned the business number and a woman answered.  I asked for “so and so” and she said he wasn’t there.  I gathered my thoughts and said that I worked for him for a couple years (this is true, and he hired me after we met and were in a relationship) and needed a reference.  She sounded amicable and nice, and said she would give him the message.  Then things went to hell, for him. 

      I will get over this!  Thank you again for this opportunity to talk about what happened to me, and I love reading your thoughts and opinions and experiences.

       

      3 like

      • JoanPrice JoanPrice says

        I really feel for you, Charlotte. Please do get counseling — don’t try to white-knuckle these devastating emotions on your own.

        If he feels it’s right to continue to send money until you manage on your own, I don’t have a problem with that as long as it doesn’t prolong your suffering — but I don’t know if that’s possible. You know best what you can handle. but please, a counselor, now!

         

        1 like

      • Generic Image Charlotte H. says

        I do need a counsillor.  I need to start functioning again.  The only times I go out are to walk my dog.  Thank goodness for her!  I am eating spoonfuls of cheese-whiz, and whatever I else I have in my fridge, that hasn’t gone bad.  But, I feel a whole lot better than I did a few days ago.  I have to get over feeling like a shmuck.  You have all been very helpful.  Thank you.   

        2 like

      • fayetteSIPP fayetteSIPP says

        Charlotte, i read your response and  can feel you even better with more explanation..You see I am an artist , I understand how the money can  be for many artist…It is not always easy especially if you are on that one income alone…do get help that is available and remember this :to follow your gut ,because it is what  saves us in the long run.. Always put eome money up for your personal welfare and i secret ,,I con’t care how long you knkow someone, the day many come that you will need it or if things go great you both may need it ..but save for rainy days under the umbellla when you may be alone.be grateful you have no children this man and thank God you got no STD while trying..he is really a deceitful person consider yourself lucky sooner 7 years than later 20…some women die in this situation of not knowing or wanting to know.. I with the best and keep your head up….by the way start painting a brighter future in your head and on paper,,,it can happen you are young enough to move on and be happy.

        1 like

      • Generic Image Charlotte H. says

        Thank you, fayette.  I am so glad that I shared my grief with people online – even if they’re strangers!  I express myself better – at least, more freely! – in written word than face to face with someone.  I will see how it goes.  I am feeling a lot better, now, but still barely functioning.  I do need to seek counselling.  But, sharing my initial griefs on this web-site has helped.  Women are wonderful, and I just want to reiterate that I feel so sorry for his wife, and still feel conflicted about not telling her.  But, I won’t as I don’t want to devastate her.  No, actually, I am not wanting to devastate Him.  Gee, isn’t this conflict what got me here on this post, in the first place (question mark…my question mark isn’t working on this wonky computer).

        Ultimately, I have to care of myself.   I feel happy and free that I know the truth of him, and can go on to paint and draw without  him dragging me down (he was not an art appreciator).  I will leave his life up to him, though I will always feel sorry for his wife and wonder if I should have told her.

        It never ends!  Life is such a quandery.  But I do thank you all for your support and guidance.  Counselling is my next step.  You have all been a big help.

        1 like

      • fayetteSIPP fayetteSIPP says

        I am especially glad that you are getting back to your “first love” your art and remember if someone cannot appreciate your art which is apart of who you are ..then you may want to think about how the relationship will help or hinder you…I know yo will find a new joy in the creativity of freedom and no guilt.

        1 like

      • Generic Image Charlotte H. says

        Thank you, fayette.  I haven’t done any art in years.  It is my first love.  I have a long way to go until I feel the confidence and focus to do this, again.  I am pretty messed up.  I am my art, my art is me.  I just have to get myself back, again.  Hearing from you helps me to know that this endeavour is worthwhile.  Thank you.  I’m going to take my dog out for a walk, now.   Getting out of my apartment helps to clear my head, and to reflect on what all you wonderful women have said to me. 

        I would love to hear about your art endeavours. 

        2 like

      • fayetteSIPP fayetteSIPP says

        Be glad to matter of fact you art can take care of you if yo use it creatively enough and check out my post on WHO Moved My Cheese?,,, We will chat  again I would Love to see you prosper and grow everyone needs another chance to start over,

        1 like

      • Generic Image Nina Simone says

        Dear Charlotte,  I am sorry that you are currently in this situation.  But you are not a fool, many of us have fallen in love with the perfect stranger and we are so infatuated with the possibility of the relationship that we do not allow ourselves to see the truth.   I went through a similar experience with my husband he was a liar and a fraud and deept down inside I’ve must of known it.  Needless to say, I am not sorry for all the wonderful years (14) I spend with him and all the opprtunities that we both enjoyed. 

        Take the financial help, as much as you can and get so that you may have the opportunity to start over and get as far away from this creep as possible.    There is no shame in this, “sometimes life requires suffering small indignities”  but move on, put this behind you and you will find yourself again.  Stay possitive!  You are only 43 years old, lots of time for true love.

        Nina

        2 like

  8. Lynnette Lynnette says

    Listen… you have to use this guy to your advantage.  If you go and spill the beans to the wife, there goes your money.  i am sorry, you now have to look out for yourself.  You should be looking for a job because he gave u money when you were giving something else in return, now why should he?  So, play your cards right.  I do not know your financial situation right now, but homelessness is not a fun thing. 

    0 like

  9. Sunblossom Sunblossom says

    I hope you can walk away and move on…..don’t worry about the wife, she probably already knows….

    0 like

    • Generic Image Charlotte H. says

      Okay, I won’t worry about the wife.  I do feel bad for her, though.  Hopefully he is changing his ways and working on his marriage with her.  He was really walloped when I told him I found out.  After a brief, loud silence and a few ”uh, uh, uh’s”, he started telling me that his wife was “dominating”.  I cut him off and said I didn’t want to hear it.  If he’s not happy in his marriage, he can get a divorce.  The reason he stays with her, knowing him like I do, now, is because he doesn’t want to split the money and their properties.  That’s none of my business. 

      While I am still reeling over this, I am feeling much more clear in the head and my heart is feeling lighter.  Sharing my experiences on this site has been helping me greatly.  Thank you all.

      1 like

      • JoanPrice JoanPrice says

        I’m so glad this forum has helped you, Charlotte. I feel bad for the wife, too. If I were the wife, I’d want to know. But he’s the one who should tell her.

        0 like

  10. persimian persimian says

    Charlotte:  I don’t want to beat you up, but I’m not understanding how it took you seven years to find this out!!!  There had to be signs all along – such as he never took you to his house, gave you his home number, cancelled dates unexplained, etc.  Men are ridiculous, assinine creatures.  They all read the same stupid playbook and the rules rarely change – they may be approached differently – but they rarely change.  I feel your pain – however.  I have dated men who have turned out to be married or involved – but it usually took a few dates for me to realize this – NOT seven years!!!  And when I realized what was happening I would confront the idiot only to be told one lie after another. See – Men also lie about anything every freakin’ chance they get.  It’s almost as if it’s easier to lie than to tell the truth.  Sometimes I think it’s ingrained in their dna or something.  Recently I came upon a man who is very married – only this time rather than going through the question and answer period – I just dropped his ass like a hot potatoe.  I never bothered to call him or ask him questions that I knew he would lie about and I blocked his telephone number so as not to be bothered with his BS.

    Telling his wife is a waste of time.  Most of the time they know and if they don’t – why hurt her like that?  She didn’t do anything to you – HE DID!!!  I also don’t understand the financial aspect of this all.  Did you give up your life for this loser?  Did he support you financially while you two were together – i.e., pay your rent, bills, etc.?  I’m sorry Charlotte, but somewhere along the line you had to know something serious was amiss. It sounds to me like you’re not telling the full story. 

    1 like

    • ThurmanLady ThurmanLady says

      Persimian, more of her story did come out throughout this thread and so many of your questions were answered.

      I happen to be a woman who appreciates men, for the most part, and know that – just like women – they are not all the same, nor do they all read the same playbook.

      Your response made me think about this:

      Have you ever met anyone that is always having problems? They are always encountering hostile salespeople, rude waitresses, crazy drivers? Did it ever cross your mind that maybe it’s you? For a long time, I didn’t know my life was a reflection of me. I just couldn’t figure out what was going on! Everywhere I went, people were rude, mean and nasty. I could not believe it! What was wrong, I wondered. It took me a very long time to realize that they were just reflecting back what I felt inside but was unable to express. When I look to criticize or blame, I now know that I need to look inside and find out what it is that I am overlooking.

      The entire article is here:

      http://innerself.com/html/personal-growth/general/mirror-mirror-on-the-wall.html

      TL ♥

      0 like

      • persimian persimian says

        ThurmanLady:  I am VERY HAPPY FOR YOU that you discovered whatever your problem is/was.  However, I don’t have a problem with people – just some people.  And I don’t have a problem with men – I just don’t trust them – and this is after 35 years of personal experience with them.  Like you – I have had a different experience.  No two(2) people’s experiences are the same – that is one of the reasons for this site.  But I think that you are trying to start a debate here that I’M JUST NOT GOING TO TAKE ON!!!  I wish you luck with whatever it is you are trying to prove.

        0 like

    • Generic Image Charlotte H. says

      Hi persimian.  To tell the full story would be about 684 pages. 

      My gut feeling that I should tell his wife is not because of any malicious intent.  I am glad I found out that he is married.  I thought that maybe she would like to know that he was pursuing a seven year affair with someone.  If I hadn’t have found out, he would be continuing this double life. 

      I didn’t see the signs.  But, neither did his wife.  This should tell you that he is a very clever liar and manipulator.  He never cancelled dates, but he did schedule things a few days in advance…even going out for breakfast.  I found this annoying, but he is involved in many things, he said (true) and needed to schedule.  Okay, okay, I was a shmuck.  We believe what we want to, sometimes.

      I am not hurt because I found out.  I am hurt because of what he did.

      I’m not perfect.  I will be much more sceptical of any man I meet in the future.  It’s too bad that innocent, honest, trusting people suffer the most of anybody.

      I lived in a house - my mother’s on paper, but mine – that he spent time at and loved.  It was a homey house.  I had been to his house a few times.  A big, fancy house in the country.  It was not homey.  Too clean and precise.  He said he didn’t feel comfortable there because his mother (don’t they always blame their mother!) was neurotically clean and he had to please her in case she dropped by and blah blah blah I am starting to write my 684 page novel and don’t want to do this here!  I was content with him visitting me rather than me visitting him, as his house is not comfortable or homey.  Now, of course, he would blame his wife for being neurotically clean and anal.  Blech.  I don’t care.

      Financially, I have no qualms about accepting money from him.  He has agreed to deposit a piddling sum into my bank account monthly, until I can pay all my bills on my own.  I am an artist and make a meagre living. I was wanting to be a mom and artist and  treat my man wonderfully, while he worked at his businesses.  Nothing wrong with this.  As things have changed, I will get a job and cut off financial ties.  Meanwhile, he is helping to pay my bills.  Would you rather I be a martyr and live on the street?  I have some equity in my house – now being rented out – but not enough to make it worthwhile to sell, now. 

      I appreciate your questions and constructive criticisms, as answering them is helping me think more clearly.  However, I feel there is nothing wrong that I had had hopes of being a stay at home mom and pursuing artwork, and cooking and cleaning, and supporting my partner with love and all that other stuff. 

      The seven years went quickly.  I was not as wise then, as you are now and as I am becoming to be.  I broke up with him a few times over the years, because he was not committing to our relationship as much as I was wanting him to be.  He would cry, lie, manipulate, etc., and I would be right back there with him.  In thoughts and feelings, anyway!

      I guess that I was just a very patient and trusting person!    

      I appreciate your questions.  It gets me thinking with clarity, because I have asked myself the same things.  Ah, love is blind. 

      2 like

      • Sunblossom Sunblossom says

        Just another thought, sometimes these affairs are done with the wife knowing…..they may have an agreement…..she gets nice house, cool clothes, spending account, maybe her own boyfriend…..he  gets to fool around all he wants…I still would say most married women would notice something amiss after 7 years…

        0 like

      • persimian persimian says

        Charlotte:  I am not that wise – believe me!!!  I let a man cost me everything I had and it only took 12 years!!!!  As I was telling Ms. ThurmanLady (who thinks she knows it all) – EVERYONE’S EXPERIENCE WITH MEN IS DIFFERENT and for women like you and I those experiences are negative – to say the least.  As I stated before and even you yourself have reiterated – men are fantastic liars and manipulators – and they’d rather do that to get what they want than to just come out and tell the truth.  For some reason they get a kick out of ruining our lives.  My ex and I also broke up a few times because he wouldn’t commit.  He would also do the crying, manipulating and lying bit.  We would get back together and things would be ok for a while and then as soon as he thought he was in – he’d act up again.  After moving his daughter in with me for medical care because nobody else would take her, he promised (and I was foolish enough to believe him) marriage.  After he moved in and his daughter got better – he moved out – and left me with a ton of bills that I couldn’t afford to pay AND fight breast cancer at the same time.

        As far as your bills are concerned – I can definitely understand your need for some kind of security until you can get back on your feet.  And even though he is only giving you a piddling of what it is you deserve – he is at least giving you something.  After all – you did give him seven years of your life – seven years you can never get back.  My girlfriend used to say my ex was stealing my youth.  Sounds to me like that’s what this guy did to you.  I truly hope things work out for you.  When this is all over with – you will find that you are a better person for it.  Good luck and God Bless.

        0 like

      • ThurmanLady ThurmanLady says

        Persimian, I really don’t think I know it all; however, my experience with my ex was 20+ years of abuse, but even then I know that all men are not like him.

        I felt that you sounded rather harsh with Charlotte.  I’m sorry for the things you went through, but I don’t believe that everyone needs a kick in the butt; sometimes a hug is better.

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      • persimian persimian says

        I definitely agree with you that sometimes a hug is better.  Once I understood what Charlotte was saying – I could definitely relate.  I just didn’t get the entire picture.  Like I said previously – however – my personal experience with men is they play by the same handbook – maybe it’s written by a different author – but it is the same handbook.  I’m posting another thread regarding a recent experience that I had – maybe it will clarify some of why I have such a negative feeling towards men.

        I’m also sorry about your having been in an abusive relationship.  My Grandmother dealt with my Grandfather beating her for close to 30 years – before my Mom made her move out on her own.  By that time the abuse had gotten so bad that we literally had to hide my Grandma until he calmed down and gave up the search for her.  During this time, my Mom was NOT a happy person when it came down to him.  Abuse of any kind is always a deal breaker with me in any kind of relationship I am having – friendship, one on one, work, etc.  There is never an excuse for abuse.

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      • ThurmanLady ThurmanLady says

        Oh, it’s a dealbreaker for me, now!  I just have to learn some stuff the hard way.  In this case it was “not all men are created equal.”

        TL ♥

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      • Generic Image Brightwood says

        Charlotte, your not the only woman who has been lied to and unfortunately won’t be the last. All you can do is learn from this experience. When I was 19, I met and fell in love with a man who I later found out to be married. It was devastating. I still believe most people are good and decent, but I did develop a greater awareness of the signs that someone is less than forthcoming. Won’t be fooled again, but won’t be bitter either. Hope you achieve a similar outcome for yourself.

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    • JoanPrice JoanPrice says

      Re: “I’m not understanding how it took you seven years to find this out!!!”: I get that you have solid reasons for your strong feelings, Persimian, but I need to speak out on behalf of the many good, honest men who stay committed to their relationships, don’t cheat and don’t lie. I don’t think it’s fair to brand all men as lying, assinine, ridiculous losers. And let’s not blame the victim, either. 20/20 hindsight is perfect vision, but when we’re in love, we may have puffy, perfect-summer-day clouds in our eyes. Charlotte is feeling bad enough without being told she should have known or she’s misrepresenting what happened. There’s no reason to slam a baseball bat against her knees.

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  11. Generic Image sugisme says

    The wife knows.  Believe me, she knows.  My guess is she’s financially & certainly emotionally dependent on him & never wanted to rock his world for fear that she’d be the ‘losing’ party.

    Guess what?  I don’t think there’s a winner here, but Charolette, give yourself some healing time & back on your feet & you’ll be the only winner here.  Give yourself a shake & thank your lucky stars your not her.

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