Our 30 year old son came over last night and told us that the girl he has been dating on and off for the last 7 months, is pregnant. They are still good friends and the reason he had ended the relationshipt is that he wasn’t sure if she had the same goals and interests that he has. Well now that a baby is in the picture he is totally torn up and emotional. She will not consider abortion and told him she will raise it by herself if he doesn’t want any part of this. He is a very loving young man and will not desert this girl. I think they have been pretty open about how they feel about this. I think she loves my son very much but knows that although he cares deeply, it isn’t as strong as her love for him. My concern is for all three of them. I would hate for them to marry under these pressured circumstances and have her always wonder deep down if he is in love with her and totally committed. Once the excitement of a precious baby dissipates and reality sets in, are there going to be terrible regrets? I’m grateful they are not 16 and dealing with this and he is an adult but am not sure how to advise them. I do think he should insist on a paternity test since they have been on and off over the course of their relationship. Gotta run..have an appointment and will give more details later. Any support or suggestions would be so welcomed.
| I just found out my son’s ex girlfriend is pregnant | Hot Conversation |
April 14, 2010
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ReginaLove, that is SO great to hear! As for soy, it may help with menopause symptoms -- it it controversial. The best way to use soy is in the form of whole fermented soy foods (miso, tempeh, tamari and natto). Non-fermented soy foods such as soy mi
Agreed. I never thought I was vain until I had a mastectomy at age 39. I was devastated and told the doc I wanted to wake up with implants. Now at age 60, I am lopsided and wondering if I was just avoiding the inevitable. You get what you get and you
Sounds very interesting.
Girlygirl:
The good news is that they are not 16. However, they do not HAVE to get married. People have babies all the time that are not married. Yes, I agree on the paternity test. If it is his child, I’m sure he’ll do the right thing and be there for his baby. Would this be your first grandchild? The reason I ask, my niece (in her early 20′s) announced she was pregnant (and not married), Christmas 2008. My sister’s granddaughter was born in July 2009 and my sister’s whole life is now dedicated to that little girl. So, what you may think is not good news may end up being the best thing that ever happened. Good luck and keep us updated.
NO I have two darling grandbabies from my daughter. A 3 year old and 8 month old and I am crazy about them. Today as I have gone over and over this, I have reflected on the excitement of when she announced her engagement, the joy of helping her plan her wedding, the day they told us they were expecting after a year of trying and the incredible moment I saw my daughter holding her own baby. To know that my son will not experience any of this if he chooses to stand by his gf is so utterly sad to me. I agree that so many younger people are not doing it the traditional way. We just tried to raise our kids to have a strong moral compass and to set good examples. I have been in his shoes …when I was 20 I got pregnant and had an abortion. My husband today was the father but we knew we were too young to deal with this. I have had my private moments of sadness for what I gave up but at the same time, I wouldn’t have the children that I have been blessed to have. There is no easy choice…what is done is done and now we have to find a way to help them navigate thru this the best way that they can. I just fear that my son will now be “settling” and not having the life he CHOSE for himself. At the same time..he is a big boy and knew what the consequences could be and now he has to man up and face his responsibilities. I also think he has had a hard time finding his strengths and purpose…he is a bright guy with a business degree from a very respecable university and has been trying to find his passion and nitch. In some way this will ground him and maybe give him a direction. We have a very close family and extended family and understand how important that is. My heart hurts for the girl too. SHe has so much to deal with too. I will say, I’m not surprised this happened. I am not saying she planned this. She was supposedly on the pill….accidents happen but I told my son months ago that she is almost thirty, ready to settle down, has a clock ticking and not to take the relationship to that degree unless he was ready for something like this. I totally understand how she must be feeling right now. My heart hurts for everyone involved. THen I think about the baby and how I want to love and accept it with as much love that I have for my other two grandbabies. Will I just always wonder if my son is sad deep down or will he rise to the occasion and make a great life for all three of them? I don’t have a crystal ball. I know I am rambling…I am just so emotional about it all right now. Thank you for your kind words and support. I will keep you posted.
Just a question, does anyone use condoms? I know it’s to late now, but he knew She was supposedly on the pill..but he didn’t use anything. They need more than luck, committed to the right thing…TRACK…they are 30 yrs old
Give yourself time to grieve at this upset. Yet ultimately, please try to let go of so much sadness and worry about what your son “must be feeling” and also your dreams of how it “should have been” (engagement, wedding, etc). They’re grown. Let them feel what they feel and work their own solution to the situation. They may come up with a wonderful one. Try not to “fix” the “problem” but celebrate the life that is on the way. Be positive, upbeat. Look at it as an adventure. Give positive pep talks. “Infect” them with good thoughts about how blessed they and you are. Everything happens for a reason. Deep down maybe they wanted this. There are a lot worse things that can happen. Maybe this will motivate him to get his game on. He’s actually really doing very good! He already has his education and some single living under his belt. Let them just be parents and maybe they will fall in love together. Don’t try to force anything to happen out of your own missed dreams for him. Just love them and be there for them and try to look at this as a hopeful, positive surprise! Encourage him to as well. There is no reason to not love this child as much as the others or for anyone to shroud this situation with gloom. Yes, it’s not as you wished it would be but maybe it is how it’s meant to be.
If this is his baby, he doesn’t need to marry her, but really should stand by her through it all. Be there when she delivers, support her emotionally and financially, as much as possible.
They both knew what they were doing and have a responsibility to this unborn sweetheart! I admire her for not racing off to “do away”with this little one. I’m not an anti-abortionist, but do feel that when two adults ‘make a baby’, consensually, it is very honorable to give the child a life.
Far two many guys have ‘left the scene’ and allowed their offspring to grow up without a father and no financial support. I know if he were my son, I would ask him to consider this child and take responsibility.
This precious baby needs all the people in its life to be adoring, loving and devoted examples of the type of adults each of you hope this baby grows up to be. Your son and the soon to be mom need your love and support. Bless all of you.
Been there, done that…..he stood by her, was there for appointmets, delivery, etc. and wanted to be the first to hold the baby….even as he arranged a DNA (he suspected she was cheating)….it was not his (thank God) but I admire him for standing by her during the undertainty of the 9 months….they have both moved on….but he will always be in my high esteem for doing the right thing even though it was difficult…..that being said, it is a “classic” trap for marriage, as we all know.
Then there are your rights as a grandparent, whether they marry or not….a baby is a gift no matter the circumstances….
Girlygirl, I don’t think you have to cancel your subscription, you simply have to go to the internet “tools” and then “Internet options” and hit delete….you can and should delete the files, browsing history and cookies.
thanks to all of you. I will take your advice and hopefully be able to convey some of this to the kids. I have to say I am impressed with how my son is handling this. Trying to be supportive of his gf and yet trying to see the whole picture. The thought that he might have a child out of wedlock, even if he is there to support both financially and be there as a dad, makes me feel like this little baby is starting off in such a nontraditional way and what feelings will he or she have that mommy and daddy didn’t love me enough to make us a family?Do you know what I mean? Yet I agree that having a baby in the most loving marriages takes a lot of patience, love and strength so to start off already on the wrong foot can be very difficult. I will keep you all posted. My heart is hurting..I haven’t cried like this in years….my tears are for all involved.
I agree with sunblossom… your rights as a grandparent, whether or not they marry…. a baby is a gift no matter the circumstances.
My 24 year old son is also in a similar predicament. He ended with her because he felt he was being engulfed into a cocoon where he would not be able to make sensible decisions. While the girl has wanted for them to marry, he has said he will look after his child, but that is all he will offer with of course sharing the child’s upbringing. In return, she has become abusive and even making threats of legal action. I too have stood by my son and have told him I will respect his decision and that he should not be coerced into a union where he will not be happy.
At the end of the day, this is the most important thing to consider. Will your son be happy to be in a union he did not feel happy? If he will not be happy, then baby will get the short-end of the stick if the union goes ahead. Contrary to popular psychological thought on a child growing up better where mother and father are married, the child is better off being raised by one parent if the two parents are opposites or at logger heads all the time.
I met with the gf last week and had a kind, heart to heart talk with her. I opened up about the fact that I too had been in her situation so I knew exactly how she felt. I told her I would not have the wonderful life, husband or children that I have if I had had that baby all those years ago. I also told her I respected her choice to NOT have an abortion. She had told my son he was being selfish to even suggest that. I told her if she really wants to be unselfish then maybe she should consider adoption. I knew she would blow that off as did my son but I was trying to make a point that in their own ways, they are both being selfish. We have told both of them that we will support whatever decision they make. I do like this young woman very much BUT I am not the one who has to make a life with her. My son met with her parents and her on Sunday. They are Mormon…which is the church I was raised in until my family broke away from it when I was around twelve so I KNOW the way they think. My son got a whole lot of preaching, go pray to the LORD for direction and they think my son should marry their daughter. They do not approve of them living together and think my son should know by now if he wants to marry their daughter. The gf also told my son that he needs to make a decision ASAP. Well let me tell ya…my son is very stubborn and the minute he is backed into a corner like that he most likely will tell them to go to hell. That said, he is taking some time to really do some deep soul searching and weigh the things he loves about this girl and what it was that made him end the relationship before he found out she was pregnant. I do not want him forced into anything…that is no way to start a lifelong committment. My husband is an attorney so at least we will be able to guide him legally on all this. My son also has a dear, loving heart and he has accepted that this baby is coming and he WANTS to be the best dad he can be…whether he is single or married or living with the gf. I bought them both books on what to expect as new parents and during pregnancy and have offered to pay for counseling. Time will tell. She sees the doctor today …..oh ya…no insurance either…GREAT! My father was an OB/GYN….I know what can happen if she doesn’t get good care. Also Ladies….there are twins in her family AND on my side …can you only imagine if that happens to them? Oh MY GOD!!!!! I will keep you all posted. Thanks for listening….so hard to keep this to myself.
After reading the thread I took several moments to ponder whether I would wonder into the discussion. I am the mother of three sons and one daughter who I love unconditionally. Sometimes I want to get emeshed in their lives and then take a deep breath and remember how I raised them: Choices=Consequences= Responsibility. I married young and pregnant because I didn’t know which way to turn. I paid the price and my children paid the price.
Marriage is not the solution. Entrapment occurs much more frequently then we realize. Consentual sex also includes choice, consequences and responsibility. Birth control is the responsibility of both parties to the consentual act.
Children need loving parents and grandparents, whether the adults are married or not. It isn’t all the women’s fault and it isn’t all the man’s fault, and in this case they are both adult by age. We can look at the surface of things, however sometimes it is important to look below the surface as to why people make the choices that they do.
I, too, have a son who married his pregnant financee. His reason for both the marriage and the pregnancy was that ‘she’ wanted this. I love my son dearly, however in conversation I explained that he too, had a responsibility in all of this. Was marriage the way to go? Definitely not. I have watched, loved and supported, yet I also learned that he choose this path to walk as part of his life journey.
There is no right or wrong in all of this. Remember the child. Adults will grow and learn or no. Grandparents do have rights, yes. Grandparents also have a responsibility to provide support in a non judgemental, guiding and mentoring way.
Take care and Gld Bless
Choice, consequences and responsibility needs to be taught and practiced…TRACK
You said it very well
1. Definitely get a paternity test. It is your son’s right and the right of a child.
2. In the meantime, don’t encourage marriage. I know, it is the right thing to do, usually. Maybe not in this case. If she loves your son then she will certainly want to encourage him furthering his education to be able to secure a good job that will support them all.
3. I think this is a good time for your son to start making plans for what he will do to support the child, voluntarily, and what the girl must do to protect this baby’s health. When alls said and done, the baby’s is the innocent person here and that life must be protected as much as possible.
4. Once the baby is born, then other considerations must be taken into account, such as paternity and what that will mean to your son, should he be the biological parent.
5. Don’t borrow trouble. Cross the bridge when you get to it, is my motto.
I agree with so much of the advice I have gotten. But ultimately it is his decision. My son graduated from college with a business degree. Not thrilled with the job he has right now but with the job market the way it is, I want him to be secure thru this process. I would like to see her make an effort….maybe start taking classes to educate herself so she can support herself if my son doesn’t marry her AND to help support the family if they DO marry. I honestly think living together for now is the best solution. I want them to see how they are together as a couple 24/7. When they are both tired, cranky and see if they can ride that wave together. I have to say to everyone who is reading these posts….I would really like to hear some positive, success stories if anyone has any. Stories where others have dealt with this and come thru with a happy family intact. Am I daydreaming? I just want my son to be happy and this baby to be loved and raised in a secure, loving household. Am I asking too much?
You are not asking for to much, however this decision is ultimately out of your hands as both your son and his girl friend are adults. I have learned that what I may want for my children is not necessarily what they want or choose. Wanting a baby to be loved and raised in a secure loving household is noble and wanting the best for the baby. I would want the same thing. Every child deserves the best care, love and support. I know and acknowledge how difficult it must be for you emotionally. I also know that it is difficult separating the emotion out of everything that is happening right now. Yet, whatever, however the family unit is defined that the baby will be part of, is that not the focus for all adults in this situation … to make it the best for the baby. God Bless.
I think my son cares a lot for her and loves certain things about her. However he had broken things off because he had some concerns that she wasn’t the right one. Then she told him a week later she was pregnant. I am walking a fine line because I do like this girl very much. But if she isn’t the right one for my son I don’t want him committed for the rest of his life. At the same time he is trying to take it a day at a time and see if thru all this, there is enough of a connection to marry her. I think she cares more for him. What is hard is that I remember when my daughter was pregnant. I had so much fun buying her maternity clothes and shopping and picking up little things for the baby. We had a beautiful baby shower for her. I thought at that time…gee I hope when the son gets married I will have a close relationship with my daughter in law and I can share these special moments with her too. Pamper her a little bit…make her feel a part of our family. In this current situation…I am floundering. Part of me wants to reach out and be kind and caring and share in her excitement of this baby but my husband told me to be careful…it could put our son in a position of feeling more pressured to make this a done deal. My husband said, yes…she is having our son’s baby but she ISN”T our daughter in law and until Jeff says he is totally committed, I need to hold back. It goes against my nature to not want to embrace her because she is a nice young woman and isn’t going to get that attention from her own mom. Every pregnant woman should feel special. Oh God…I feel like I am riding both sides of the fence. I want to protect my son and this baby but I guess in some ways I feel if I get along with her, it will make it easier for my son. Guess I am rambling now…my mind just jumps from one thought to another. My husband just suggested I clear things thru my son before I make any attempt to help her.
My heart goes out to you. You know what is right in your heart. Go with that.
Know that others care and think of you and send you their support across the miles. Breathe and let the world unfold.
Thank you so much for your kind response. I will keep everyone posted as to how this plays out.
Hi ladies…I’m not sure if my updates will be posted to all of you who have been so kind to share your thoughts but I’m gonna give this a shot. At this point, my son and his gf are going to have the baby…she is now 12 weeks pregnant. Here is my question…..how do we go about meeting her family? It isn’t like they are 17 and pregnant but they aren’t getting married either. Do we just meet them when the baby is born, have them over for a bbq, etc etc? We are trying very hard to get to know the gf and she is very nice and as I have said before, I like her very much. My son is going to give this relationship the best shot that he can and hope for the best. However, he is not planning on a wedding unless he comes to a place in his heart that he feels they have a really good chance of making this work. I am planning to offer to have a shower for her ( my sisters will host it) and assume she will want her mom and sisters to come. I just feel awkward about how to first meet them…especially since they think my son should be marrying her. Any thoughts??? : )
Morning, I would just ask her!. They both know they will not be getting married (anytime soon), the baby is on it’s way. Let her know you are willing to host a bbq or luncheon for her family,( which by the way I think is very nice of you)….See what you get…TRACK
Hi Track and all my other wonderful supportive VN friends. I just wanted to update you on my son and his pregnant gf. They have moved into a condo and are preparing for the birth of their son in Dec. Most seems to be going well. I have come to really care a lot for this young woman and see many wonderful qualities. At the same time, she comes from a family that is very judgemental and not very supportive of her situation or her life choices. (she didn’t stay within the Mormon faith and they are very angry with her for that). As much as I want this baby to have a secure two parent family, I’m not sure if in the long run, my son and she are meant to be together. He is trying very hard and in most areas of the relationship things are pretty good. But there are some key issues that are not going to go away that I fear will in the end be insurmountable to a long term happy life. She really has few interests, is not really social, doesn’t want to participate with his friends very often. I have a gf whose husband NEVER wants to go anywhere…travel, parties, out to dinner with other couples. SHe has had to do it all alone…after 30 years she has called it quits. I would hate to see my son who is very outgoing and loves to travel and enjoys people, be pulled down by this unwillingness to participate on her behalf. I am having a shower here this week for her. My friends are hosting it at my home and I am going to meet her mother for the first time. I don’t want her to feel awkward and I am hopeful we will be able to let her mom and sisters see that we are a wonderful family and no matter what, this baby will be loved. I still have hopes that the two of them can make this work but if not, I feel for the sake of my son and his baby, I need to be on the best terms possible with his gf. My husband feels that if our son is always a big part of the babies life, then he will be totally open to loving this baby. But if things go sour and there is anger and hostility, he will support whatever our son chooses to do..even if that means not being involved with the baby. I don’t forsee my son walking away on his child but who knows what she will do if he decides the relationship as a couple is not going to work? In my heart, I want to be there for this little guy no matter what the circumsances although I will say that if things get ugly and the gf is horrid to my son, how can I not feel defensive and protective of him? I don’t want to borrow trouble and am just trying to breathe and take it one day at a time. I also don’t want my son to feel that just because I have come to really love his gf, that he should stay with her. I can care about her all I want but I am not the one who has to share a lifetime with her. I just want my son to understand that. Anyway…wish me luck with the shower and meeting her mom and sisters. I am also going to a shower for her next month where I will be oddman out…not knowing anyone other than the gf and her family. Just gonna have to suck it up, be myself and support her. Thanks for listening girls.
GG…been there & done that. A baby shower is such an exciting positive time. My son’s gf doesn’t like anyone. BUT….it didn’t matter at all…we had a great time celebrating a new grandchild on the way. IT was so much fun. The gifts just make the day, with friends & family supporting you all will be fine. We all have those wonderful people in our family who engage well with ‘newcomers’. You will see that your son’s gf & family are welcomed into the celebration.
GG, we can only hope & pray that our grandchildren are loved by their parents. Our young adult children have to make their own way. And they do, with or without our guidance. As grandparents my husband & I have our grands with us often. We show them love, fun, acceptance & anything else that we can, no matter what path their parents have decided to take. I believe you will too.
Congratulation on a new grandbaby…you will see what a delight they are !!!! Blessings to grandparents !
All the best! I am in awe of how far this thread has moved! In the end it really is about baby and it’s mother and father. The circumstances provide opportunity for introspection to come from that place of non judgement and openness and unconditional love. Enjoy this journey for this part is truly about you and your love and support.
So far, so good! One step at a time. To go or stay is a choice with Mormons, but when you make your choice which they give an indivdual there’s attitude against her! Glad you are having the shower, help break the ice with your friends, hope she understands friendly and not a clinger to your son, cause he will need some space. Crossing my fingers for you
…TRACK
Thanks for understanding Track. I don’t know if I mentioned in any of my earlier posts that I actually was baptized in the Mormon faith. My parents were married in the temple. Many of my relatives are very active in the Mormon church. Our family (my parents) chose to move away from the church when I was about 12. I know enough about it to understand their mindset so to speak. I just think we should all respect our adult children’s choices to worship and believe in our own way and just because it is not the way THEY believe, do not reject your child. I suspect from comments the GF has made, they are punishing her in many ways for not going with the fold. What I find interesting is that her mom converted to the Mormon faith when she was in college. Her dad is Japanese and was a Buddist. He left that faith to convert to the Mormon faith. His parents disowned him but came around after the grandkids were born. Now they are sort of doing the same thing to their daughter….how arrogant and hypocritical can you get? I will keep you all posted on how Sunday goes. I want it to be a fun day for the GF. Every young mom should have a special moment to celebrate the impending birth of a new little life.
Oh ladies, one more thing. Any suggestions on how I refer to my son’s gf? Yesterday I was shopping for the shower and the retail clerk who was assisting me is expecting in Nov. I automatically mentioned, my daughter in law was due in Dec. It was easier than explaining the entire thing. I guess I should get past feeling weird about it being obvious they are not married. Do I say, this is the mother of my grandson, my son’s girlfriend,….what is my relationship with her? Oh….this new mindset is so confusing sometimes.
I’ve heard references such as
- my son’s baby’s momma (cumbersome)
- my son’s partner or significant other
- my son’s fiance