OK, you’d think I would have learned by now. Was cheated on by my husband for a long time, and then finally had the gumption to leave him. Now, I’ve been very cautious when dating and can easily (or so I thought) recognize the signs of a liar and cheater. So much so, that even if I’m suspicious, I will call it quits. My family says that I’m too mistrusting, which may be the case. But, I know that cheating is a dealbreaker and I don’t need it in my life. Well, my recent boyfriend had changed in his attentions toward me, but kept leading me on that nothing has changed, and everything as great between us. I can’t believe I fell for it, again! I questioned why a certain woman keeps texting him while I am with him. Deny, deny, deny. No need to go any further, I’m out. My question is…what the heck is going on? Am I that naive? I feel like throwing in the towel on relationships, because I am just NOT getting it! Maybe I need to adopt the attitude of “think like a man when dating”. Most possibly, I need to address the type of men that I am attracted to. What do you think?
| I can’t believe that I’ve been played again at age 52! | Hot Conversation |
January 06, 2010
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ReginaLove, that is SO great to hear! As for soy, it may help with menopause symptoms -- it it controversial. The best way to use soy is in the form of whole fermented soy foods (miso, tempeh, tamari and natto). Non-fermented soy foods such as soy mi
Agreed. I never thought I was vain until I had a mastectomy at age 39. I was devastated and told the doc I wanted to wake up with implants. Now at age 60, I am lopsided and wondering if I was just avoiding the inevitable. You get what you get and you
Sounds very interesting.
Hi Kat1: You have very aptly identified the problem … I need to address the type of men that I am attracted to … Now that sounds so easy, right? Like okay I’m just going to go out there and do that. I’m going to guess that you saw signs (or red flags) long ago in the relationship. But we are women and we have a tendency to live in a state of learned hopefulness. You figured if there was this problem, then you should stick around to help make it better. In most cases a woman cannot know with complete certainty that the man she loves will not eventually betray her. The natural traits of a woman such as empathy, compassion, gentleness and forgivness don’t protect you. These traits may be the reason you choose the type of man you choose. You may instinctively see certain men as needy and that you can fix them. Society has this way of blaming the woman for a relationship gone bad. The good qualities you possess need not be the culprit. I hope you don’t continue to think that you need to change (adopt the attitude of think like a man when dating). As long as you keep thinking that you will change the way you approach a relationship, you will keep picking the same needy men. Changing another person through your own efforts will always fail. So, I would suggest that you spend the next few days, months, maybe years working on your own empowerment — become more assertive and self-determined. Use those wonderful natural traits on yourself so that when that next needy man comes along you won’t want him in your life to contribute to your own good feelings — you’ll already have them (good feelings) toward yourself.
Thanks, Dynamomma – you are very insightful. You are so on the money about working on myself, working on my needs and values, and finding people in my life that are really good for me. It’s like giving myself permission to actually have a man in my life that thinks I’m special. Yes, that’s the way it should be, you say. But, I’ve subscribed to the belief that it is selfish and self-serving. Well, then, your advice of “use those wonderful natural traits on yourself” makes all the sense in the world. Why in the world would I waste those special treatments on someone else before myself? It’s not selfish, it’s all about loving yourself first. Why would that be such a hard concept?
Wow you are a quick learner. Yes the bottomline is “love yourself first”. And all that garbage about it being selfish and self serving is just a lot of crapola. No one can give away to another person something they dont have for themselves. The more you love yourself the easier it is to love someone else. And when you love yourself, you aren’t looking for someone to fill that void in you. Having a man in your life that thinks you are special is exactly the way it should be. Don’t settle for less. This is going to be a exciting year for you. Keep in touch.
How true, how true. Why even the Bible says ‘love thy neighbor as thyself’. It stands to reason that you would have to know how to love yourself before you can love someone else.
I found, date a man with lots of humor. I would leave behind the rich the good looking and the popular with everyone. And on my wedding day I was asked by my hairdresser if he had humor I said lots and she said Go for it Maybe that is the formula who knows?? Been 30 years and I just know he has my back even when the sex isn’t that great and the money is sometimes a stress and I hear how great everyone else has it. I made the right choice for me. Was married to money before and no he did not make me laugh..He too was a cheat and Liar they only think of themselves and how to get what the want. To careful with their words..Just food for thought
Thank you, both, for responding. Yes, I agree that a man with a good sense of humor is very appealing – I think it has something to do with their outlook on life. It reminds you not to take it so seriously and have fun! And, also, that fact that they want to share that with you and make you smile is special. And, Dynamomma, your words of wisdom are much appreciated!
Can totally understand you, as my first marriage ended due to my ex’s infidelity.
It took me years to learn that I was looking for a man to complete me rather than complement me. It was when I became happy with myself, alone, that my current husband came into the picture. It is soooo different from my first marriage. I feel cherished.
BTW (and this is a little tongue in cheek, but I had to tell you) A friend of mine once told me that her aunt had told her that if you wanted to get married, you had to find a widower rather than a man that was divorced (too much baggage). Widowers are the marrying kind. Wouldn’t you know it, when I met my current husband his wife had passed away 1yr before. lol
Hmmm….a widower with a good sense of humor – yea, that’s the ticket!! (ha ha). Yes, I will be more picky about dating a man that has the qualities that I know that I want. Or, maybe, I’ll just get a dog….! Only kidding. I still have hope that there is a great guy out there for me – I just haven’t met him yet!
Check out this post from a few weeks ago. Might give you a few ideas:
http://www.vibrantnation.com/conversations/36947-the-secret-/
Good luck!
Look at life for what it is with MOST men…. It’s hard for them not to have a wondering eye. It’s not always the men who are trying to get in a cheating situation. There are females who just don’t care about guys belonging to others or having another female in their life if they (female) are interested. So, trying to trust the men isn’t the only problem we have to face these days, trust me, I know. The younger females are on the prowl for stable, settled, men who they can latch on to, and it works.
I am so sorry to hear about this. It must be tempting to conclude that all men will treat you poorly based on this series of bad experiences. I just can’t believe it would be true, though. I hope you can see that you may have made some bad choices, or stayed in relationships longer than they warranted your fidelity, but please don’t be too hard on yourself. Many of us who are single at this age can match you story for story. I’d like to think we can turn our backs on these experiences and look to tomorrow with the expectation that our mistakes are teaching us how to get it right next time. At least that is my own prayer, and it is my prayer for you.
I can SO relate. I had two long term relationships with two different men who both turned out to be commitmentphobes. At first I was crushed; how could I have spent 10 years and 5 years, respectively, of my life on men who couldn’t settle themselves down and not SEEN this while it was happening? How could I have done it TWICE, back to back? Finally figured out that I need to take myself OUT of the man-fixing business and concentrate on me. Now that I am single again at the age of 56, I have decided to take a big step back. I’m lonely but not quite ready to take on a relationship yet. When I am, if I’m lucky enough to find someone at this age that I’m compatible with, I will do a few things differently: pay attention to the signs, the red flags; those little things that seem a little off in the beginning. For one, if the guy hasn’t been married or lived with anyone at least once, there is no point in wasting my time. If he’s constantly taking calls or texts from a few ‘female friends’, he can have all the time he wants to respond because I won’t be hanging around.
Wishing you the very best the next time around!
Well – The dog is definitely a good option! Seriously. But I am going to give it one more shot – one more relationship and if it doesn’t work out (after getting more traveling under my belt) I’m going to get a dog. What I have determined and what I have been doing is meeting them (men) and then waiting – waiting to see if they have a girlfriend and also just to see what their real personality is like AND finding out what their reputation is with others that know them. I seem to come across someone I’m interested in every year or so – and people say ask him out – I wait and I usually find out they have a gf – so thankfully I didn’t go out on the asking them out and getting rejected limb. Finding out about their background and reputation seems to be key – men in their 50s have to have made some impression on others we know.
Oh – btw - was his name Jim? LOL – actually now that I recall there is a cheaters website – not sure if it’s still up where women posted pictures of their cheating bf’s so others would know Red Flag. Also don’t forget our intuition is usually right. You’re not alone most of us have been there – I mean who knew that people would cheat on each other after 40 or even 30 for that matter. The spiritually not advanced I suppose.
A cheater’s website? What a great idea! Do you remember what it is? Anyway, I do realize this is part of life, as much of a bummer that it is, but this is the weeding out process, right? I’m over the loser, so it’s onward and upward!
There’s Don’t Date him girl (which seems to have a lot of ads for where to cheat) http://dontdatehimgirl.com/home/ And the peepsheet. htp://www.peepsheet.com/
I don’t recommend posting anything about this guy – I’d say you actually were blessed and someone was watching out over you – can you imagine if you married this guy and found out after years that he was cheating. I’d count your blessings and move on – you probably ditched a bullet : ) hang tight – I know these are hard to get over. Took me 8 months for my heart to stop hurting after a 6 month relationship that was long distance AND he ended up cheating at the end.
Here’s another thing that is kind of interesting. I did some therapy about this split and we did EMDR- where you either hold buzzers in each hand or have headphones on and there is a noise in the left ear then the right then the left or the buzzers in your hand buzz left then right. Anway – short details on this is – you try to find a similar situation that happened in your life were the pain is similar – for me it was when a group of girls playing hide and seek ditched me and decided not to be my friend anymore (neighborhood girls at 12 years old) I hadn’t done anything wrong – they were just gone and I was baffelled. The relationship split with the guy who cheated on me was similar. He was there one day telling me he loved me and gone the next – no reasonable explanation. Anyway the therapist and I worked around this. You don’t talk about it – you feel it and the therapist controls the buzzers (or they can tap on your knees – the right then the left – it’s whatever you prefer – it started with eye movement – the right then the left) and she asks you on a scale of 1 – 10 how the pain is and you do this until the pain is subsided or gone. They use this for PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disease) too – it’s suppose to help a lot.
Anyway – in time I can GUARENTTEE you with or without counseling you will realized you were blessed and you will probably say to yourself – ARE YOU KIDDING ME – I actually had a broken heart over this guy and you probably will not have any interest him not too long from now – you may even be repulsed by him. But I’m not therapist (yet : )