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I am being “disowned”… What do I do now? Hot Conversation

You know how they say hindsight makes things clearer?  Well, I am FINALLY reflecting on my life, and trying to figure out how I got where I am today and what could have possibly caused what just happened.

One of my children just told me that she wants nothing more to do with me… that she wants me out of her life – no contact… don’t call, and don’t try to see my grandson.  WOW… I am stunned!  The anger, the accusations, has me bewildered and confused.

I should have seen this coming… she’s been friendly, then distant and cold, rude and disrespectful, and back to friendly.  Please don’t think I am some “pushy” mother who meddled… I am not.  As a child, I was told repeatedly “if I need you, I’ll call you”.  And I learned to play that part well.  Evidently TOO well… I was giving even when I didn’t have it to give… I went into debt to be able to give.  I gave to avoid conflict (hate confrontation)!   I gave into my husband’s demands; and, am still in a 40 year relationship that is void of intimacy (intimacy doesn’t just take place in the bedroom.

Intimacy is the bond, tenderness and closeness a couple has for one another inside and outside of the four bedroom walls).  We are only together because finances (and our ages and health) make it the easier solution.  After all these years, we are struggling to find friendship.  For the first time in our lives, he is making an honest attempt to “listen” to my feelings – as I struggle to find them myself.  Yeah… what a light bulb when you realize that you don’t have a clue what YOU like… and you realize that you’ve completely lost YOU somewhere… sometime… can’t remember when or how!

The only thing that is making sense to me is that the daughter (one of 4 daughters – two live locally) who blew up at me is just recently divorced.  She was in an abusive relationship with a very controlling husband that really messed with her mind.  Am I making excuses for her, or off base thinking that her anger with me is simply misplaced?  That what she said to me is really what she’d like to say to her ex, but can’t, or won’t because of how it might affect her son?  (They have shared parenting).

Any input would be greatly appreciated now… my head is swimming trying to find answers.  I really need some views outside this family.  My husband wants to just ignore this – that’s how he handles things.  Pretend they’re not there and they will eventually go away.  Besides, he’s not shut out – only me!  And the angry daughter is influencing her sister negatively towards me also.  (Siblings tend to bond against parents naturally – yes?  no?)

Thanks to anyone who can shed some light… I am ready to listen and learn from my mistakes.           

Posted in family & relationships.

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24 Responses

  1. PatriciaLynne PatriciaLynne says

    I was cut off from my daughter for over two years so I understand your pain.  It is significant.  Mine happened because of her getting clean from drugs and the tough love position that I took.  But all of that is irrelevant.  The important thing I want to tell you is I was never a suicidal person until eventually I could not take the pain of the situation with my daughter and I tried two separate times over Christmas holiday about four years ago to kill myself.  I was intent.  First I tried a whole bottle of xanax with milk, but only woke up 18 hours later.  The second time I was trying to load a rifle and my husband found me and I was locked up on involuntary hold.

    I realized that same hospitalization that I had never been suicidal before and that I needed to get ahold of me and figure out what boundaries had to be put in place so that I was safe.  My daughter is an adult – she doesn’t need a mother.  I needed to take care of me.

    Everyone’s issues can be different as to why they may be cut off – I would encourage you to get some counseling to help you determine what your boundaries should be.  What behavior is acceptable for you and safe for you.

    Please get some help before you reach that point where I got.  It is a year or so past my daugher’s and my worst time.  There came a point after my suicide attempts that I just had to have space.  I had to figure out what I needed and what was acceptable.  Please make an appointment with a family counselor for YOU and YOU alone.  You deserve it.

    Patricia

     

     

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    • Generic Image Grammy says

      Your response gave me chills, because I have already experienced depression and loneliness so deeply, I remember standing at the window in our home when the girls were little, and thinking “I can see why people commit suicide”.  (And my tolerance to pain is zero, so I thought myself too chicken to even consider it.)  I had 2 still in diapers and the fourth on the way.  I was exhausted, and hurting.   I stood there just wanting SOMEBODY to talk to, and dismissed the few names that came to mind, because I knew what their response would be, and I needed more than the temporary fix a good bitch session gives you.  Don’t know if I am allowed to use that word here… this is my first time sitting at may computer, putting my thoughts in writing… and getting feedback!  I am used to sitting here late at night, and letting it all out on paper when I am hurting and ready to explode inside.  When I came back to this blog, I cried when I saw so many responses… and such good advice.  What a wonderful new experience that others took their time to share.  I have been writing to myself for so many years… and have often complained to God that my kids didn’t come with written instructions.  How am I supposed to know what to do?  So now I laughed and thought “well, finally – something in black and white!”  I think I’m going to like this website.  Thanks again for caring and sharing Patricia. 

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  2. Generic Image magiemae says

    Talk to your paster, or someone who can listen to what is going on in your life.  Take the time to take care of yourself.  Take a vacation with some girlfriends, go somewhere  you want to go.  Travel alone if necessary, take the time to care for yourself, let your daughter work thru her problems.  Let her know you are there if she needs you, and then do as she asks.  As for your husband, ask if you are happier and better off with him or without him, then go from there.  I was in the same type of marriage, difference between me and a lot of women was that after a 23 year marriage he died suddenly, his girl friend came to his funeral.  At our age we need to look after ourselves, may be selfish but no one else is going to. 

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    • Generic Image Grammy says

      Good question Magiemae.  I’ve been asking myself for years why I married this man and I am still wondering!  I remember when we broke up once when we were dating… it was his choice, not mine.  And I remember thinking or feeling then like “a big burden had been lifted”.  WEIRD… huh!  Maybe there’s something to this karma stuff… I don’t know.  Anymore, all I DO know is that there’s an awful lot of things I DON’T know!  YEP… it’s time to start taking care of me.  When I read “travel alone” and actually started thinking about that, and pictured doing it… it scared me!  I’ve got a lot to work on.  Thanks for your input. 

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  3. zblair zblair says

    I am very sorry for the pain you are suffering. I agree 100% with PatriciaLynne in her suggestion of seeking professional help to begin to sort out and work through your emotions and issues.

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    • PatriciaLynne PatriciaLynne says

      Thank you zblair.  Working and sorting through emotions and issues can be so intense – please value yourself and get professional help.  We raise our children; we love and give everything of ourselves to them – as well as to our spouses.  Do not underestimate the loss and grief that can accompany being shut away or shut off from those you have given everything for.  It is true we raise our children to be independent and make positive contributions to society.  Sometimes inbetween the wiping their noses and them being mature adults their “independencing” from our aprons can be very very hard.  You are worthy, so follow up with the assistance you need in this difficult time.

      Much love to you for your and your family members futures, but kisses to you.

      Patricia

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      • Generic Image Grammy says

        I am a hugger… and you sound like one to!  So hugs and kisses back at ya! xoxo

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    • Generic Image Grammy says

      Thanks for your compassion zblair.   It really meant a lot to see how many took of their time to respond.

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  4. Generic Image pmc says

    WE have a simler thing here, I THINK.WE have feelings that came in our lives yrs.ago. MY husband dont say much. he displays

    somuch respect & consern 24–7!He is a privet,yet proud man.For us,it took me years to understand him.FROM LISTENING,I believe, men just are quieter,about their doings.Maybe because they didn t want everyone at work in their business or

    homelife?WE all do differently as we age etc.HAD YOU LOVE FOR YOUR  HUSBAND WHEN YOU STARTED AS MR. & MRS.?

    Grass IS NOT ALWAYS GREENER ON THE OTHERSIDE OF THE FENCE !BELIEVE THAT? I learned the hard way.

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  5. Generic Image pmc says

    One can only do somuch.You daughter needs to think,how she d feel if the Boy growes up & puts her in left field?

    I know a family that had it happen.<<<<The boy resented nolonger FISHING & SWIMMING FROM HIS GRANDADS BOAT.

    AND hesitated to put his parents ,invitation in the mail!!THEN,TOLD HIS BRIDE .HIS parents will not be in our lives.

    HIS MOM THAUGHT 3YRS.THE D/IN-LAW DONE IT. TILLmy sis told her your TOM is the reason for ,no calls etc.

    My DAUGHTER dont understand it either! GOOD DAY ,DONT WORRY MAYBE SHE LL GROW UP?

    She was even told DO NOT SEND A THANYOU CARD.THAT will let my mom know how funny she has been>HAVE a nice day.

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    • Generic Image Grammy says

      I did have it in the beginning.  But unfortunately, without attention (and support and time for just “us”) it withered – like any growing plant will do when it’s not watered.  I’ve tried to explain it to him this way because he likes to garden.  He is a good man who just doesn’t know how to SHOW his emotions or feelings, and I am just the opposite.  (I think maybe that comes with our generation).   I thoroughly enjoyed the girls when they were small because I could love on them to pieces.  And as they grew and that physical contact diminished, it returned with the grandkids.  I wholeheartedly agree that the grass is not always greener.  In fact, I think that’s one reason why I’m still here.  EVERYBODY comes with baggage.  At least I know my husband’s!  Thanks for sharing.

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      • Generic Image Grammy says

        I agree here too… and the girls know about the Golden Rule.

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      • Generic Image Grammy says

        Sorry… posted this in the wrong place!  LOL

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    • Generic Image Grammy says

      I agree here too… and the girls know about the Golden Rule.

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  6. Generic Image Dardeedee says

    Well Grammy … my feeling on this is that your daughter for whatever reason needs this separation right now.  She will go through her turmoil and then return to the nest.  Meanwhile, I suggest you simply let her know that you love her, that you will always be there for her and tell her when she’s ready, the door will be open.  You must not obsess over this – any thoughts should be positive.  Think of your daughter in her “highest light” and release her.  Keep busy and stay positive.  It sounds like you were a wonderful Mother and it’s your daughter’s issue that needs resolving.  We are all on our chosen paths and for reasons we don’t understand, stuff just happens.  We must go on and truly make the best of it.  I’m betting the fledging will eventually return to the nest with a smile on her face and flowers in her hand.  Take care.

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    • Generic Image Grammy says

      Thanks Dardeedee – It made me smile to read “you were a wonderful Mother” because I don’t hear that (or read it except maybe once a year on Mother’s day) as often as I’d like … even though I’ve always been lavish with my compliments and praise.  (Probably because my own Mother wasn’t.  She wasn’t one for showing affection at all – in fact, she didn’t like being touched.  She cringed even at the “thought” of a massage, and complained about having her hair done.)    Anyway, I figure that’s why I am such a hugger and like to “touch” – hold hands – pinch cheeks – you know.  So, I KNOW my daughter knows I love her (and I know she loves me) and she knows my door is always open.  And I will give her the space she needs right now.  I can do that… I’ve been doing just that while she’s been bouncing from friendly, to angry and not talking to me, and back to friendly again… it’s not seeing my grandson that troubles me.  I hate missing this precious time while he is so young.  You sound like a very wise person.  I too believe that we are all on our “chosen” paths…. I just can’t believe I “chose” this one – LOL!  Just proof that God does work in MYSTERIOUS ways I guess!  I hope you’re right – that she’ll return with a smile on her face… but as for the flowers… well, that would be a surprise!  It clarified it for me to have you say it was her issue that needs resolved.  And like Myke said, “one of the first mistakes I made was by giving too much.”  That’s my issue to resolve, and I am going to work on that!  (I don’t think my show of affection has been too much because I have respected my grandson’s limits – little boys are different than little girls when it comes to that.)  You take care too Dardeedee.  I’d like to meet you someday. 

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  7. Angely Angely says

    While I agree that your daughter is going thorugh a tough time(been there done that 2 times myself..abusive also) there is no reason for her to be disrespectful towards you! Sometimes when people are too giving and too compliant it opens you up to others thinking you are a pushover..you can be giving,caring and loving however you need to set boundries for yourself and let others be aware of them or people will walk all over you!You are far worth more than that.

    I believe there is alot more going on with your daughter for her anger to be this great! perhaps write her a letter if she won’t talk to you and explain how much you love her and that you want to help her,that this is a time where a daughter NEEDS her mother..etc…

    I am sorry for your pain and I pray you find some reconciliation with your daughter!

    Take care..we are here for you!

    1 like

    • Generic Image Grammy says

      I agree with you Angely – there’s definitely more going on with her than I am aware of – and about the disrespect (it really hurts).  But, I probably set myself up for that by actually being an enabler when I thought I was being a care-giver.  I definitely am a pushover!  I tried once before during all this to write her – sent her one of those compose your own e-mail cards that opened up – and even apologized for whatever I may have done that has her so upset.  I got no reply.  I asked her if she got it and all she said was yes.  So I let it go.  Your mention of “boundaries” is a confirmation for me to find out more about them.  It’s not the first time I’ve had it mentioned to me, but I never followed up because I wasn’t clear on what people meant.  I guess it’s time I finally find out.  I am getting the book Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud.  I read some of the content and the reviews on Amazon, and it sounds like exactly what I need right now.  I am overwhelmed by the care and support I am getting on this site.  I’m used to pounding out my feelings on the computer, but… I am not used to getting any response to what I write.  It’s just wonderful having the feedback!  Thank you for letting me know you’ll be here!        

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  8. Generic Image MagentaRose says

    There is a little book that, in spite of the name, is excellent to help you find yourself and what you really want now – not ten yrs. ago or what you’re supposed to want. Finding the Love of your Life by Rose Kingma.

    Antoher thing to do is write down, filling a whole page and without stopping to think, everything that comes to your mind. You’ll be surprised!

    The other posts give you great advice, but these are tidbits that you can do right now. Also, do forgive your daughter and be there for her when she is ready to be close to you again. Send her cards of reassurance of your love -don’t go overboard and wait a little while. Her having been abused has probably confused her. One of my sons was very angry at me for a long time because his dad pretty much abandoned him. Go figure.

    Take care.

     

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    • Generic Image Grammy says

      I goggled to find the book “Finding the Love of Your Life” by Rose Kingma — she has written quite a few on love, but I couldn’t find one with that exact title.  Is it out of date? 

      I DO forgive my daughter and I am ready as soon as she is!  I think you said it beautifully… her having been abused has confused her.

      I just pray that my dauaghter doesn’t do what one of MY sisters did… she and I had words 10 years ago over something STUPID, and to this day she is still holding a grudge.  We have no contact whatsoever.  I tried once… but it was  like putting your head in a lions mouth, so I haven’t made another attempt.  Life is too short to be so bitter for soooooooooo long!  “Go figure” is right!  You take care too Magenta.

       

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      • Generic Image MagentaRose says

        The book is “Finding True Love: the Four Essential Keys to Discovering the Love of Your Life”. I just looked it up on Amazon – .01 and up used and $2.74 from them.  I’m gonna get one: my autographed copy was never returned. It really helped me to renew and discover myself and find the wonderful guy that I’m with now. I hope you get it and tell me what you think.

         

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  9. Generic Image UrbanMs says

    I went through a year long tiff with my older daughter that tore my heart out.  We had a physical episode and I forbade her from entering my home for a year.  Her younger sister still lived with me and it was because of her we had the fight.  When my daughter struck me, my head reeled, as I could not ever consider that in a million years that would happen. I could not ever imagine striking my mother or my children striking me.  I stood my ground and she was not allowed to enter my home…we hardly talked and it created havoc among the other two daughters as to where their loyalty lie.  I prayed a lot, I asked God to reveal any errors that I had made and in the end, I wound up being the one to invite her back into my life.  Later she apologized, but  I still feel a little pain  from that episode.   In a world where there is too little forgiveness and to much haste to anger, sometimes just letting time pass in reflection and openness and being willing to make the move toward healing when the opportunity seems right is all one can do.  The time goes by painfully slow when a love one is in the lurch and we feel out of their heart.  But have faith that by opening your heart to understanding and healing and swallowing pride to offer an outreached hand when the time comes is what is needed to turn things around.  Let the pot simmer slowly…let it cool, love very seldom dissapates completely.  Pray and wait and I will keep you in my prayers too.

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  10. Zosimee Zosimee says

    Thanks for this blog and I love all the responses! However, I am coming from the other side of this issue..I am the daugther who has been disowned by not only my mother but the whole family at this point. 

     

    It started with my sister and I not getting along then my mother took my sister’s side completely and started trashing me along with her as well as getting my aunts and uncles in on it. For the fist year I still had my dad. However, he has now “gone over to the dark side” as I call it. I even called and told my mother I was sorry (even though I felt it should have been the other way around) and tried to meet her half way…she told me “there will be no two way street here”. When I asked my dad why he didn’t defend me he said “you are only my daughter, she is my wife!” There were horrible things said on both sides that day and I have not spoken to any of them since. Prior to this there was the whole myspace trashing to the world and even though I deleted them and now only sign on to my page maybe once a month. They continue to post ugly messages and bumper stickers aimed at me. It is an unbearable hurt to find out that the people who “love you and know whats best for you” are the ones who never cared about you at all and get enjoyment and satisfaction out of the pain they cause. It has shaken my life to it’s core and I still struggle daily with it. But what can be done? Because it does take that two way street. They have to care about saving the relationship as well or it can’t be saved! I wish you the best!

     

    2 like

    • Generic Image dave votch says

      I also wish you the best I know what your going thru I`m a divorced father that watched my granddoughtersince she was 6 mo. old till she was 4yrs. I got a email not a phone call that I`m not part of thier life any more my wife and I cryed for months after that I gave her every thing I could aford a college ed/’. paid for 4 years new barn new furnace  new generater when power goes out new cars  I lost my grand doughter because she maried into a multie millionare famley I`m not I`gave all this bean retired gave all I could and she stuck it oh by the way  she said the reason was I`m a degitive person  is it because I went to florida for two weeks  she sent the Email to us when we were gone I called  them On feb 14 to wish them a happy vallentime my grand doughter was crying I could not understand her untill I got the Email when we got home tell me why,,!! dave   P.S keep the chin up meet that make you smile the people that can`t for give and for get are not worth thur salt please don`t do drugs or booze  over this thier not worth it   

      1 like

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