I am a 46 soon to be 47 in a 20-year marriage. my husband and I have not had sex for many years and I have developed an intense emotional affair with another man.
I love him and cannot live w/o him. I did not know I had these intense feelings for him until he confessed them to me. (We are neigbors and have been friends for many years.)
My husband had a meltdown in December that led him to behave very irrationally and stormed his home looking for me. (I was not there). Anyway, it was following that terrible day that my friend confessed to me that he loves me and would not talk to me if it would cause me trouble. When he told me that I lost my self and realized how much I love him.
I have two children 13 and 18 they are unaware and simply the best children a mom could ever wish for. I told my husband that I have been unhappy and frustrated at the sexless marriage. He is 16 years older than I and he has many reasons why we have not and has promised that he would see a doctor as to why “it” does not work.
I tried talking to him about it a few years ago, and he came undone. Threw a tantrum and stormed off. He has given me many excuses (no health insurance) what if he has something wrong and he has something seriously wrong.. Blah blah..Yet he has the nerve to accuse me of having an affair.
And now I am stuck. I want to run away but I am terrified of hurting my sons. I love my neighbor and can see a life with him as clear as I can see my hands. Fear paralyzes me and I am so afraid of devastating my 63 year old husband. I walk away live happily and what about him? I love him but I have not been in love with for MANY MANY years. I am a mess in a dress. Please help me..
I have many comments regarding yoga in schools, particularly since my primary job is an elementary teacher. Not everyone is receptive to the idea. Keep the positive energy flowing and perhaps more will see benefits.
Oh what the hell. I am going to give you a dose of tough love: go for it. Life is too short, and, blessedly, you have lots and lots of years left to have a loving and sexual relationship. This may be your one chance of true happiness. The situation with your husband is only going to get worse. Do you want to be in the same place ten years from now?? You are responsible for your own happiness: no one else. Remember: tall ships were meant to sail. Sometimes you have to leave the safety of the harbor, and set sail. Good luck!!
Your sons may also be hurt by the dysfunctional family they are stuck in now. I don’t know how they get on with their Dad, but he sounds very hard to live with, and unless there’s a whole other side to this story, his behavior must be wearing them down, too. So staying with your husband in a miserable marriage may not be in their best interests at all. In the long run, both you and he being miserable is NOT going to be good for them, either (I come from that kind of family. I KNOW!).
However, having said that, you might not like the rest of my opinion. I’m totally not advocating jumping right from one relationship to another – I think maybe this man should give you some time to concentrate on yourself – and even more, your children. I think it s asking a lot of them to switch from an unhappy home, to sharing you with this other guy. If the marriage is shot – then fix yourself, and get them in a good place, before you pour all your time, energy and attention into this new guy.
I just think the kids usually get the short end of the stick in these situations, no matter what the parents do, or don’t do. And I think they should be your primary focus right now. If the other relationship is meant to be, I believe it will be. But your boys are growing up, your time with them is very short. I think they deserve the best you can be and do – and that you must find a way to step up your game, for their sake. These two men in your life – they are big boys, they can deal. Your sons are still trying to figure it all out.
RR:
I should better explain that Dh is a very nice man. He is a wonderful dad and has been a decent enough partner. Its just that its no longer enough for ME. While I do careo about him I care about him as a good supportive friend. My friend is everything he is not. Fun, attentive, DH is 16 years older than me and is just not.. The sex thing is an entirely different matter…. I want MORE but I am so paralyzed by fear of hurting my sons and he. After all he is the same man its me that is changed..
Wow, hard situation. It’s so much easier when there’s an obvious “BAD GUY”. You seem to be beating up yourself with guilt, though – and I don’t think you’re the “BAD GUY” in this situation, either.
First, I doubt your DH has stayed the same – none of us do. MAybe when you were both younger, the 16 year age difference wasn’t as significant as it is now. Some people age better than others, and maybe now the difference has become much greater, due to health, or attitude, or whatever. I think the changes in him may have been so gradual that you have not seen them sneaking up on you, and eating away at things.
And I hate to condemn you for wanting a shot at some joy in life. Don’t we all deserve that? You certainly do, as much as anyone. But I’m somewhat doubtful you are going to find it this way.
In the end, I still think the boys are your primary responsibility, and I wonder how they will feel about sharing you with your new “friend”. Having their Dad to deal with after a breakup might only add to their misery. And they probably get less of you, while you’re all tied up in your new-found happiness. They just might not totally be on board with that – not initially, and maybe not ever. This may also affect them in other ways – financially, developing trust issues, acting out if they’re angry or upset. My brothers wrecked cars and did drugs after my parents split up. I got depressed and almost dropped out of college, even contemplated suicide. Our family changed in untold ways. And there wasn’t even another man or woman involved, which I think adds even more possible complications.
So, what price would this happiness come at? Is it worth it? Or, perhaps, is it worth waiting for? Can you and he deny or at least delay your own personal gratification, if necessary, for the benefit of your sons? Are you willing to? This may be really hard, and a sacrifice, but you must decide what and when, for not just yourself, but DH, your friend,and your boys. Your heart may say one thing, and your head another. I don’t know many people, even good ones, who are able to do the right thing, when it involves denying themselves for the good of others. Yet, in the long run, it might be the very best you can do, in a bad situation.
These are not questions I can really answer – I am a virtual stranger, only basing my advice on my experience – which may or may not apply to you. Perhaps a good counselor could see the whole picture better – with your DH, to heal and improve what you have, maybe. Or, without him, to equip you to deal with separation and divorce, and doing as much as possible to keep your sons from becoming collateral damage in the split.
I get the sense from reading this that for you, it’s either Man#1 or Man#2. I think that is not your top decision, and there is a third option. What is best for Sons #1 and #2? You can trade in your husband for this more fun guy – but are you willing to deal with the possible consequences? What about a life witout DH, if he is making you unhappy – but also without this other man, if it will make them unhappy? That’s not to say that you don’t have a future with him – but does it HAVE to be now? And what happiness can you find and make for yourself, not dependent on a man, but on being a Mom, and being your own person? Can you be happy at the expense of others? Many women cannot.
I do think this is the worst danger of either having a physical or emotional affair – you are now torn in two, and not doing your best for anybody; not you, or either man, or your sons. There is no one answer that’s going to work out for everyone, now that you’re in so deep. But you are a big girl, and you went in with your eyes open. Now you have to find the best way out. Or you can do what you want, and make the best of it. I don’t think you are the bad guy, but you’ve made some poor choices, and now someone is going to have to suffer, no matter what future decisions you make. Nothing I can say will fix that, or tell you what will be the best in the long term, nor can anyone undo what has been done.
Maybe there’s a lesson in it for someone else here – but for you, all I can recoomend is some good counseling – definitely for you, and possibly for the rest of you family.
Given he has problems, do not adopt them. Sons and sons and devoted to Mom. They are old enough to not have blinders on. Absent fathers can fool the kids up to age 11 or 12 that’s all.
Get a vibrator, use it when the house is empty. Talk to the children about your feelings. You may find out they, too, have feelings hidden away. It is all so dishonest the way it is.
Leave the neighbour out of it until communication at home is more honest. For instance — what keeps you buying into hubby’s lies/ promises/etc without consequences to him? Do you do that with the boys as well? There is some serious dysfunctionality going on and someone needs to start clearing up communication lines, or you can count on counting on what is going on and on and on.
Oh its all so complicated.. In addition to the sexless marriage I am ruined financially for the rest of my life as we owe the IRS $200,000. I knew we had this situation and I aided and abbeted by not forcing him to make some serious decisions. We do not own a home, have cars that need work. No retirement, no savings, no life insurance. I am scared s* less that if something were to happen to him as our primary breadwinner (he is a lawyer I am a p/t teacher). I would be on the street. I come back to the same conclusion. In the same manner in which he has chosen to not deal with the abandonment issue by avoiding he has also avoided dealing with this issue as well. I am 1/2 responsible because I should have spoken up but I did not. I have always been intimidated by him and I went along to keep the peace. My family is dysfunctional in the sense that we have some serious communication issues but our children have always been first in all decisions we’ve made and they are completely unaware of either situation. I just feel so alone in all of this so unloved. I am so dissapointed in my Dh (I admitted this to myself just this last fri). He did not love me enough to take care of me or “us” and chose to run and avoid. and now our relationship is so eroded that I dont think I can/want to put it back together. I can’t afford to move as there is a lien on my paycheck. I will need to move in to roomate situation or with my neighbor. He has offered me a room in his home (we live 10 ft away from one another). I think while this may be viewed as scandalous it may be a good solution for my sons. As mom will be close enough to see him, help with carpool, drive to school, dinner ect. Dh may not see things in the same way but for the sake of my boys I can see this option as viable. I can move and yet be near enough to my sons to be a daily present mom.. My neighbor has been nothing but supportive thru all of this. He has been a part of our lives for 9+ years. Always helpful, fixing cars, driving carpool, installing water heater. He has fixed my Dh printer, installed a comp in his office and has even filed court documents for him. He lives with two roomates in a 5 br house directly across from me.. Counseling should start soon..
Hi, I am a Counsellor and maybe this will help you. Your children will respect you for living a truthful life. In a dysfunctional family the children often feel like something is wrong. Don’t be afraid of making a decision for YOUR future that you feel will give you some happiness. Make a plan whilst taking into your childrens needs. It dosen’t have to happen right away. I myself stayed in a relationship with an Alcoholic and when I finally left my daughter said” why didn’t you leave earlier”
She said it would have been a better shildhood for her if her Mum was happy, not upset all the time. So do yourself a favour and make a plan that makes you a happy person, y your children may take some time to come around, but talk to them first perhaps about how you are feeling and what you want to do. “Life is not a Dress Rehearsal”.
Being a Mother and Wife is a hard job. If your husband is not fulfilling your needs and you can’t work it out, you need to make a plan to make yourself happy. OTHERS WILL SUPPORT YOU IF YOU LET THEM KNOW YOU NEED SUPPORT. Take Care.
It sounds like your mind is pretty much already made up. But reading between the lines, I think you may be doing what you want to do, and rationalizing it as best for them.
I think you should at least be honest with yourself, and your boys are old enough to have a healthy dose of some truth and honesty, too. Not excuses. Not having other people as the solution to your problems. Not blaming anyone. Just an honest assessment of “This is the way it is, and how do we find our way out of it?”
This is probably harsh, but for most people the longer they put off facing their problems straight up, the more they try to avoid or look somewhere else for their lives to improve, the deeper they dig in. The problems didn’t happen overnight, and moving 10 feet away – what is that going to solve? That doesn’t seem at all like it is for them. That is entirely for you, IMHO. You are mad at DH, and mad at yourself, and mad at life’s unfairness (I have read that depression is typically anger pointed back inward). Sure the neighbor sounds like a great guy. Then doesn’t he deserve better than this broken situation? Or is he so great, willing to work his way into your family – act as a friend – and then steal your heart and soul, and betray your DH, who is supposedly also his friend? Is that a person to put all your trust and hopes for happiness into? It all seems a little too easy to me, and easy answers to hard problems usually don’t work out.
You have released information in a controlled way, and there is probably even more that you still aren’t telling us. I guess I’ll close with the point that this neighbor is not a knight on a white horse, to save you from all the evil in your life. The evil took time and conscious decisions to get into, and it seems really unrealistic to expect him – or anyone else – to miraculously bail you out. Moving in with him seems like bailing out to me.
It’s rare we ever get to hear the truth, yes there is more to the story…..
How did it end…. This neighbor she says she wanted to spend her life with….
She decided to stay with her husband. He knows now about the five year love affair. He also knows about her infadelity in the first years of her marriage. Yet they are still together.
She told her neighbor only a few words and hasn’t spoken to him since.
She gave no explanation. She just told him that it was a “sick” relationship and to never talk to her again. That is all she told him.
How do I know this: My name is Jere Flynn and I am her neighbor.
R. I will always love only you. I have learned that I can live with out you…… I’m just choosing not to….goodby ruth…