I know this might sound trite, with so much going on in the world, but recently my husband was moved to the 2nd shift – which means he is home days, and it is driving me crazy!
I am a teacher and always loved the summers because I had the house all to myself and I could be leisurely or take on a home improvement project. But, now, I’m moping because I do not like this new change. I feel like I have a babysitter.
And he is also miserable because he does not like this shift. I don’t know if we can survive this. We are not even talking!
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Oh, you can survive this, if you really want to! ;) I know what it feels like, though. My husband retired last June, and it’s taken almost a year for us to get the rhythm down. First of all, He hated to not be working. I was soo used to doing my own thing, because I was already retired and enjoying my freedom. He loves me and wanted to spend all his time with me! He always wanted to go out to breakfast, which means me getting up way before I want to and showering, etc. I sure pouted for a while, and we wheren’t getting along. But, then I decided to embrace the time we had together, like we were on vacation! He of course had to adjust to seeing me go off with my friends and helping out my family and babysitting my grandsons…Then , He started to have his own projects and things to do. I learned to say no to feeling like I had to do everything together. Now the times we go out are like dates, and we both look forward to them. He is taking classes to prepare for part time jobs….and I don’t feel like I am babysitting him or he I….Just, give it time, give in a little, and learn to say no sometimes…Choose to spend certain times together and encourage him to find his own hobbies….If you love each other change takes work, especially if you are both used to your own space….;)
Thanks for answering. . . you make some great points. . . but where we differ is there are problems in the marriage. . . he gets upset easily and doesn’t talk to me for weeks at a time, which is where we are right now. You know how it started? He was out cutting the lawn last week. He came in and I said “Did you get too hot?” He must not have heard the word “too” in my statement. Then he answered something like “Pam, do I look hot!!!??” And then I just shut down. I NEVER EVER speak at him in an angry tone. . .
So the difference is we are just a time bomb . . . 25 years in about 4 weeks. . . just don’t know if I can make it. . . and now this shift change!!!!
I am sorry about your recent argument. I do know how that feels….My husband was just like that at first , last year. I even said to him, “Gosh , you used to be the nice one!” We have been married almost 32 years. He didn’t like the change in is working life. We had learned to adjust to the schedule we had and with the kids gone now, I was loving all my freedom. Before retirement, he changed from shift work (fireman) to working in the office for two years. Boy, was that hard, on both of us. I had to really work on being understanding. And, he needed to lighten up!!!! Time bombs can be disarmed…with careful handling. After going through everything we did in raising our kids, I was not about to give up just because we were both sulking. Or in bad temper. I think the main problem (and just my opinion) is that your husband doesn’t talk to you for weeks after he gets upset. That would be hard on anyone. We usually separate ( in the house) for a little bit, than one of us starts to talk to the other, and just forgive and then hopefully, forget. I am not saying it is easy. Spats about “nothing” are not going to wreck this marriage, if I can help it!! Maybe when you two are talking again, you can go out to breakfast or something and just talk it out. He can express what the changes are affecting him, and you can discuss how it is affecting you….Marriages don’t succeed without a lot of give and take. I am not trying to sound simplistic about this, I Know it is hard and serious. And I know what it feels like to be in your position, I think….;)
I can feel your wisdom just oozing through your comments. . . we have been “separating” in the house for a while now, and it’s gotten really bad in the last couple of years. I really thought that when our daughter went away to college, a few years back, that I would follow her out of the house – but I didn’t because my employment situation changed and I could not afford to do it. Then employment got better and our daughter got pregnant with our wonderful little grandchild. Sometimes I really believe that God interjects our lives – mine – with things or “little” people so that I can see my worth and value in life – because over time, spouse had just ripped my self-esteem apart. And I am a very, very independent person! Right now, I’m taking care of my 11 yr. old grandson for a couple of weeks because this is the place that he loves so much. That is another reason I haven’t left because EVERYBODY JUST THINKS THAT OUR HOME IS SO STABLE! They just don’t know!!!!!
Pam, I hope you don’t think that I know it all? I am not so wise, just have made some changes in my personal way of thinking that have made life so much easier for me. Actually, it all started when our first little grandson was born almost 3 years ago. I too believe that God interjects our lives with people and the “little” ones are the best! He stole both our hearts, of course, mine the most and the all consuming! I started to see the world in a different way. I wanted to be there for him always…I started to work on myself, physically (lost a few), emotionally, and spiritually. I began showing love to my 79 year old Mother with every thing I had, so that her last days here would be full of love. Of course, the retirement happened after this event, and took me most of this last year to get back in sync. Why do husbands and wives think that they can treat each other the worst? But, then another precious little boy was born, and I had new strength to be all that I can be. Please don’t think that I am telling you how to be in your life. We all handle things differently. And I seem to feel that you and your husbands problems go farther than the new schedule thing. I hope that opening up here, about your feelings will help you in some way. I will pray that it does. =]
Oh, yeah. . .you are SO ON TARGET with “problems go farther than the new schedule thing. . .” If you have the time, I think you can click on some other posts I have made on other subjects. . . that will explain . . .and again you will see that you are a very insightful person.
Right now, I am just keeping quiet. . . and getting through my days the best I can UNTIL HE GOES TO WORK AT 2:30 – which I LIVE FOR!!!
The grandchild is now just 2 yrs. old – A COMPLETE JOY – and I, too just want to be here for him because his display of love and dependence on me is just overwhelming!
Hi, I went back and read some of your other posts….my heart goes out to you. As a parent , it is always hard to see our children make choices that we know (from experience) will make their lives harder. I have gone through some of that myself. Thank God (and I mean that literally) that He is here to go to in prayer and a place that I can seek peace in the times of trial. And Praise God for our little grandchildren that give us that fresh , unconditional love that our soul crave for. The hope is that our bond with them will stay constant as they grow up and also choose their paths in life. =]
Hi PamK,
Right now I’m missing my husband and we won’t be together for another month except a short weekend packed with family things. He’s at his new job in Florida. We’ve been married for 38 years and I followed his plans, his ideas, his friends (I do have a few) his hobbies (have a few of those), you get the idea. Then I woke up one day and thought how lonely I am and unfulfilled. So, my area of challenge now in our new life in a new place next month is to find my friends, hobbies, things etc. I may even be going back to school. In the mean time, he has learned to cook, clean and do laundry over the past 5 years. And, I have stood up to him by following up with my plans if they are important to me. Even if suddenly it becomes a conflict because he wants me to be with him for some reason. It’s liberating and he is understanding. Of course, I don’t run off the the bars with my freinds or do anything else I would not want him to do. So far, we are working things out. I know you will too. We are dealing with men who may have grown up to be the “man” which includes the woman and her subservient position. Yikes. That is definitely another post! There have been some already. If we’re not careful, we’ll all be burning our spanx.
If I could, I would work the 2nd shift. I loved being able to sleep in and still have time to do a few things in the daylight before going to work. It’s the change your husband dislikes and he’s probably working with new people. Changes like this especially if it was force on him are hard. He’ll come around and may see this as a blessing in disguise in six months at his job but the real difficulty is to come at the end of your summer.
The true conflict for you two will come when you go back to school. You will then have to schedule how you are going to see each other. Either he will have to get up to breakfast with you or you will have to get up or stay up to hear about his day. I have been here and done this and am watching my daughter and SIL go through it as we speak.
My advice is to enjoy seeing him through the summer. Find something you can do in the mornings like walking or really just anything. You’ll have all your evenings free through the school year. Shift your paradigm and see this as the good time and not the bad.
I understand change is always hard but it’s not impossible. Give thanks that you have a husband with a job and you have an opportunity to celebrate your life together. That isn’t something to be taken lightly. Many of us out here in Vibrant Nation wish we had your problem. It’s all in perspective. You can do it, girlfriend!
Be thankful for all things. I’m listening to my own advice here as I write this. Thanks for the lesson.
It took me awhile to get used to my hubby’s new shift change. He worked days for over 30 some years, then tried to retire, got bored because he has no hobbys or friends out side of work, so he now works from 5:00 p.m. to 1:30 a.m. for the IRS. At first I hated the thought of sleeping alone or eating alone, but after two years, I kinda like the idea of not having to cook dinner at night I can cook what i like and eat when I want, I go for long walks and go out with my friends and let him sit by himself, he’s old enough to do for himself! Some days he’ll ask me out to lunch and we can catch up with our lives. I feel after 40 years of marriage and taking care of him and the kids, it’s my turn to take care of me!
Pam: You are not going to believe me – but when my Mom retired she was pissed that my Dad was NEVER home. He found reasons to be out in the street – as she called it and would get so upset that we would have to calm her down. Now that my Dad’s health is such that he can no longer be out on his own – he’s home all the time and SHE LOVES IT!!! You would think that all that closeness would get on one’s nerves, because he’s always finding something to do and tinker with around the house – but my Mom is in her heaven because he’s home with her all the time now. When my Mom went to Hawaii for three weeks last year – my Dad was so miserable without her that he would just sit in his chair moping and would jump every single time the phone rang hoping it was my her. I guess it’s all how you look at things. My Mom now says she has the relationship she has always wanted after 46 years together. Those two slay me with the way they interact with each other now. Strangers would think they were arguing – the way they banter with each other – but they keep the children and the rest of the family in stiches because we know how far they both have come. My point is: hang in there – things will change. At one point we kids didn’t think our parents would last once my Mom retired, but to see them now you would think they’d just met.