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Husbands Family Will Not Accept Me

I married a man 5 years ago and his family will not accept me. At first we got invited to family functions but his siblings would not talk to me. We live in very very close proximity to them and I have given up all hope of things getting better after 5 years. I am angry much of the time because of the events that take place. I know that I cannot change the way people are but how can I deal with my emotions. Sometimes I handle it better than others but I feel like they slight me at every opportunity and he does not agree. He sees the good in every situation, the eternal optomist. I wish he could once in awhile be a realist, and see them for what they really are. I say blood is thicker than water and suggestions how I can deal with my anger?

Posted in family & relationships.

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8 Responses

    • Dawna Dawna says

      I so know how you feel. AT first I expected it might take sometime but after 5 years I have given up hope. One sister only calls him on his cell phone, I am sure to avoid talking to me. She also called my daughter from a previous marriage and tried to get her to say that she did not agree with our marriage, that did not happen I have loyalty in my children thank goodness. My husband works with his brother and at different times of the year I am called upon to help. I am out helping my husband but also helping his brother who will not speak to me and told my husband that he is disgusted with me. I realize it is hard for my spouse because he is caught in the middle but he is a very passive guy and just goes with the flow. He often agrees with events just to keep the peace. I feel like he is not sticking up for me when I am not included in things, I am good enough to work like a dog but cannot be treated with respect. I feel like a slave who never had a voice. They also invite his ex wife to family functions. We do not attend them anymore. My family would no more invite my ex to Christmas than fly to the moon. Where is loyalty. We are also having a bit of trouble in our marriage because I am fed up with the constant disrespect I get from his family. We live in the country in a small community, I am sure you know the rest, how small communities work. Oh what to do. I am tired of being angry, so I really have to just let it go. That goes against my personality so the change will have to come from me, I am the only one I can control. Thanks so much for listening, sometimes I just need to vent.

      1 like

      • Generic Image Chloe2 says

        This is a wonderful book. I had a sister-in-law, who after my brother’s death from cancer decided she would be “friends” with my sister, but was threatened by my relationship with my own sister. Every time we got together either, she and I or later as a threesome, she would ignore, talk over, insult, disregard and generally be as abusive as she could be. Finally, after putting up with her for ten years because she was my brother’s widow, I put a stop to it. I also stopped going to family events that only included my sister, her husband, my sister-in-law and myself. I confine time with her now to a lunch date once or twice a year. I do not go to gatherings that will include an over night stay. In this book, I found that I had a right to protect myself and my space from abuse of any kind.

        Chloe2

         

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      • Dr. Sheila Dr. Sheila says

        Attended one of their seminars years ago…changed my life.  I now can honestly say I’m a former codependent.  I still care, I just don’t feel that every one else’s problems are my own and I don’t let them dump them on me. You are right a great book.

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  1. fayetteSIPP fayetteSIPP says

    I had no Mother-in law but three sisters in laws , one was fine until she realized that she was no longer no 1, I traveled to marry him ,we sent for my mother to attend the wedding, one day he came in from work and said “I am going to move you back so you can enjoy your mother while she is still alive, my mother has been dead 3 years and I miss her and would hate for you to miss out on your mother”…so we moved , the best decision to this day.

    My mother loved him and sided with him (LOL) against me , later explaining the secret of being a good mother in law

    I could do anything for her , he loved her as if she was his mother.

    I have decided to love and be kind to everyone and if they will accept it i will continue…but I will not put myself in harms way be it verbal, physical,. mental or by sheer disrespect by not including. No one has to take that there are too many people waiting for love and friendship . 

     

    I use to insist that we pack up the kids to visit them at least once a year, The original reason , he told me they didn’t want us to marry was that Was from Texas, and why did he have to get a girl from so far, weren’t there girls good enough in Alabama? One year we came to visit , It was clear that we weren’t appreciated are welcome….I never encouraged him to go and he never mention going  except on a few occasions because of his father;s family , whom his sister have nothing to do with… Two of his sisters have been married and divorced twice , and the meanest of the three separated ,maybe divorce but we have been married now 40 years and are still in love, i believe  when necessary leave family and cleave to each other. We are not responsible for the people who are born into our lives, and we do not have to be miserable trying to make them love us.

     

    My husband proved his love by not letting his family matter in our affair and we are still together.

    1 like

  2. Lynnette Lynnette says

    I believe in confronting the person in private one to one, like this… “i sense tension towards me and i do not know why, we can avoid each other if that works for you, but the rest of the family does not have to deal with this, it is not fair to the rest of the people”… make it “our” so that the person does not feel completely accused.  If the WHOLE family dislikes you then your best bet is to do what you have been doing.  It is your husband’s family so he can go if he wishes to, that day you plan something with a friend or go do a manicure/pedicure, a movie, or just watch TV all day, whatever makes U happy.  I can do that in a heartbeat and have done it.  But then again i am an only child and learned to be by myself since infancy.  I just met my father’s side of the family and although i seeked them on line and because of me they found each other again, these people did not like me.  My father had many kids with different women.  He was not a good man which i did not know it, THEY told me at different family gatherings.  However, when he died i did not feel that i should take a plane and see this person in a casket.  I never saw him in life, well did when i was like 8 but forgot his face as soon as he left.  My newly found siblings started talking garbage and i figured, i just met these people, the man that was my father was an evil person, never took responsibility for his actions, he never fed his kids and many times were evicted, never paid the utilities so they were always being turned off…. so why do i want to be connected to these people when i have not been the bad guy.  Soooo, I cut them out completely, blocked them from my facebook account and out of my life.  My mother warned me and i never made a connection while she was alive, but she warned me many times…. she was right.  And that is fine.  We are not a $100 bill to be liked by everyone.  One has to make choices that are good for one’s soul.  That is not to say that your husband cannot have a relationship with his family.  Let him.  I gather from your posting that you are not comfortable with this.  Also you really want to be a part of this family and cannot accept the fact that this is not going to happen.  They have their reasons and u should accept it.  Do gatherings with your own family and friends…. forget them!  Since it is a small town they will hear about your parties and be jealous that they are not part of YOUR life.  Switch it around.  YOU CAN DO IT!

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    • Dawna Dawna says

      Wow you and I have a lot in common. I know our past dictates our future and I too did not spend my entire life with my biological father. My Mom left him when I was 9 and I saw him twice after that. He was abusive, mean spirited and down right evil. You are right I do want my husbands family to like me but I know after 5 years they are not ever going to. When my husband was married before (27 years) they did not like his first wife either. Said bad things about her, one main gripe was that she was lazy. When I moved to our farm where my husband farms with his brother I thought that one thing for sure I am not lazy and have worked very hard in the last 5 yrs. I run equipment, relandscaped the whole yard about 2 acres and help with the cattle daily. I deliver calves and feel like I earn my keep. I even work the brothers land and yet he will not speak to me. I keep telling myself that they are all just waiting for me to snap and cause a huge scene and I will not give them the satisfaction. They now invite my husbands ex to family functions. Because this is how we make our living it is not as simple as just picking up and moving. This farm has been in the family since 1929. I cannot ask my husband to walk away from the only thing he knows and start new at 53. I have made my own friends and do my own girlfriend things. My husband does not attend family functions either and does not want to, they treat him like #$% also. I always said life is hard but at 51 I did not think it  would be this hard. My husbands Grandma is 97 and is having health issues. I do a lot for her but when they had a family meeting last Friday I was forbidden to attend. Not that it mattered either way but just another way for his older sister to wield her power over the family. I often pity people who are so insecure the only way they get through life is by putting others down. I pray I keep having the strength to hold my head high and take the high road. I will not allow myself to lower myself to their snake in the grass like tactics. Thank you so much for listening. I am sad about your situation but at least we both know we are not alone. There is strength in numbers and we are now both twice as strong as we used to be. Drop me another note sometime if you want to chat. Have a great day I am going too.

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