Husband is very sick. Hot Conversation

He is aging. And changing. And was very very ill last week.  I’ve seen it happen numerous times in the 15 years we’ve been together.  He gets chilled somehow  and has this thing happen almost like malaria.  High fevers, severe shaking, can’t get warm.  And this time it went even further.  His legs were so weak he just sat down on the floor.   I had to physically somehow half lift him to the couch.

And as usual the next day he was totally fine, and went and did his usual thing.  Except he was still shaky and tired.

I thought he was dying.  I still think he is dying.  He agreed finally to go to the DR today or tomorrow.

I’ve been so exhausted this  past week taking care of him and somehow I just know we’ve turned a corner into another new part of our lives.   I know he’s not well.  I can see it, feel it, sense it, and I’m more than  a bit overwhelmed at entering this new care taking phase.  He’s a challenge to be with at the best of times,  but when he’s sick it’s particularly difficult.

Posted in family & relationships, health & fitness.

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14 Responses

  1. watruw8ing4 watruw8ing4 says

    Sorry to hear of your husband’s illness. It’s easy to jump to conclusions when you see someone in such a weakened state. But this could simply be a recurring infection that he beats down, but doesn’t completely wipe out. He really does need to see that doctor. Maybe a simple antibiotic will knock it out completely. I know we all trust our gut feelings. But I’m hoping you are way off the mark on this one. Keep us posted.

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  2. Generic Image dillin257 says

    I’m sorry to hear your husband isn’t feeling well. It’s difficult on the caregiver too, I hope you have friends and family, that understand the toal it takes on you too. Best wishes.

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  3. rea rea says

    Best wishes from me, too, nanacatherine.  It’s very scary to think about being confined and strapped to the caretaking deck, especially if it’s for someone difficult. Blessings all around. 

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  4. Evie Evie says

    Hi Nanacatherine,

    I am sorry to hear about your hubby and what you are going though! It must be very hard on you!!

    Is there anyone that can help you, give you a break? If there is no family, maybe you can find someone through craigslist (get references). There are caretakers who know exactly how to handle these situations.

    The doctor needs to let you know how serious his condition is. Hospice is free and a lot of help, but they only help in terminal cases. 

    My sister had hospice for the last year of her life and they were a God send! A woman came to the house every day and tended to her needs…even did her laundry!

    Well, good luck to you nana! Let us know how you are doing!

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  5. Generic Image NRM says

    My husband was doing something similiar and we finally saw a neurologist.  He has been diagnosed with Pick’s Disease.  I totally understand what you are going through.  It has almost been a relief to at least be able to label it and know that it is not his fault.  I don’t feel I have to push him any more and can be more accecpting and loving to him.  Good luck and don’t give up on the doctors.  Even my husband’s son fussed at me about taking him to all the doctors and not finding out anything but then that one last effort got us the answers we much sought and needed.  Now the real work begins.  Our lives have changed and will never be the same but at least now I know more what to expect and can be a more supporative caregiver.  God bless you and yours.  You are in my prayers.

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  6. Generic Image Nana says

    thank you for your kindness.   I’m so exhausted.   he is on heavy heavy antibiotics and mostly incoherent at the moment.  and yes it is reoccuring infection he’s had ever since I’ve known him.  I feel like I’ve snatched him back from death’s door once again.

    all 3 of his daughters just don’t get.  they don’t want to get it.  they can afford to pay for a nurse but I can’t.  I do phone them and keep saying I can’t do this alone.  And they say:  What do you want?   it’s just too long and complicated to try to explain my place in his life, and how they see me in his life.  Quite different.

    A year ago I phoned his daughter and said something similiar.  I can’t do this alone.  And her response was

    Why don’t you stop paying that physchiatrist you see, and pay a cleaning lady instead?   LOL.  As if one had anything at all to do with the other.  So far out to lunch I never tried to explain again, until this week.  And they see it as complaining.  

    Either way……..right now  it’s complicated and exhausting, and maybe he will get better again, and again, as I’ve seeen in the past.  The fact is he’s 76 and aging.  Fast.

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    • Generic Image NRM says

      Do get you a cleaning lady if you can at all afford it.  It was helped me a lot.  It was just too much for me too as my husband is also diabetic, has heart trouble, and kidney disease.  They also diagnosed an anuerysm.  I cry a lot even though my faith is great.  I am grieving him and he is still alive and I hope that does not dishonor him or God.  But I am very thankful for each and every day with him and I try to make the most of it even though I feel I am slowly loosing him.

      I did read that infections can also cause dementia.  Good luck to you.  You have a tough job.

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      • Generic Image Nana says

        Hi NRM:  thanks for responding.  actually I am not shy to get a cleaning lady.  We had a regular one for years.  Now I just get one when I’m feeling like a major clean up. 

        This isn’t anything a cleaning lady would do.  I can’t leave the issues that incontence brings.  I need to clean up, and wipe up, and change sheets, and do endless amts of laundry.  

        The DR said this is not necessarily a permanent thing.  It may pass.  I’ve never seen him like this though.   He was diagnosed over a year ago with early stage colon cancer, we’ve known that for a long time.   He DR said he would die from something else long before he ever dies of colon cancer.   And he next series of tests are in about 3 weeks, so we will know more then if it has advanced.

        If he recovers again, and so far he always has,  I might be more inclined to get someone in for an hour every morning to keep our home in order and give me a break.  I do work full time and am becoming increasingly sole provider and responsible for my home.  I live on commission, always have.  

        I’m always going over to the couch and checking his breathing and making sure he isn’t dead.  I’ve lived like that for a long time.  A horrible thing to say, but thats how it is.  He’ll be asleep on the couch when I come home, and I walk over and stick my finger in his mouth which is hanging open.  LOL.   Sometimes he doesn’t even hear me or see me, or if he does he doesn’t know if it is day or night.  

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      • Generic Image dillin257 says

        Just sending all the support I can. Look for moments for yourself. I know this is impossibly difficult. You’re in my heart… 

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      • Generic Image Nana says

        thank you so much

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      • Generic Image NRM says

        I understand.  It is so sad and lonely to be on “death watch” as I call it but there are many of us right there with you, if you know what I mean.  I do the same with my husband – check to see if he is breathing – just not the finger in the mouth as he might bite me! lol   I do not work and am afraid to leave him alone for any length of time, although he sleeps alot and will from here on out.  In a way that is a blessing.  Try the diapers.  They are great.  He has slept in them and says they are comfortable.  We put moisture proof baby bed pads under his side of the bed and I keep lots of disinfecting wipes close by for the accidents also baby wipes for him.  Also the moisture proof pads in his recliner and an extra one for the couch if needed.  God bless you and hang in there.  We will still miss them when they are gone! 

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    • watruw8ing4 watruw8ing4 says

      Cyberhugs to you NanaCatharine. Keep us posted. Can’t help you physically. But we’re always here to listen.

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  7. Generic Image Nana says

    well my husband has “come around” one more time.  he went to the office yesterday.  He looks awful, is behaving weird in some ways, but he is up and going about his business.  The incontence and stopped, thank G-d. 

    I’ve seen him at death’s door with this malaria type thing prob. 10-12 times in the 15 years we’ve been together.

    But this time was worse than any other time and I was sure he was dying. 

    It’s been a hell of a week, and I’m beyond exhausted.  And he is still cranky and miserable.  But I am most grateful.

    Nobody will let him retire completely.  If he did he would sit on the end of the couch and watch TV for the rest of his life.   And also even if he showers and goes to the office for a few hours, he’s walking around and all that guck doesn’t settle on his chest.  I’d rather he keep moving.

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  8. Lynnette Lynnette says

    Listen, you need to have a family dinner or lunch with his daughters and nicely but firmly tell them the facts… If you complain it does sound like whining.  Facts are facts and there must be a plan if he gets very sick.  If you cannot handle it alone, tell them.  Does he have money, can u hire a nurse for a few hours a day?  It doesn’t even have to be a nurse, they are too expensive, but another body to take care of him a few hours a day that way you can go out, do errands see other people.  Communication with family members with facts and being direct is the key.  They do not believe you.  If talking to them is too much, write a letter, one email cc all of them.  I am surprised your doctor has not said this to you. 

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