My husband has started receiving calls from a lady friend from the past. She calls all the time and he too seems to enjoy the conversations. I really am not pleased with the constant calls. She does not seem to have a good relationship with her husband. I have asked my husband to stop and he says she is just a friend from the past. I will say we have a good relationship, but do not communicate that well.
0 like
Permalink: http://www.vibrantnation.com/family-relationships/husband-has-contact-with-lady-friend-from-the-past/
ReginaLove, that is SO great to hear! As for soy, it may help with menopause symptoms -- it it controversial. The best way to use soy is in the form of whole fermented soy foods (miso, tempeh, tamari and natto). Non-fermented soy foods such as soy mi
Agreed. I never thought I was vain until I had a mastectomy at age 39. I was devastated and told the doc I wanted to wake up with implants. Now at age 60, I am lopsided and wondering if I was just avoiding the inevitable. You get what you get and you
Sounds very interesting.
Now if the shoe was on the other foot, how would he(husband) react? Are you very passive? Just asking.
Invite her to dinner. You know the saying - keep your friends close and your enemies closer. You can watch the interaction
Been there, survived that and what I’m seeing is a huge red flag here. If this friend knows that he is married — and I’m sure she does — I feel it is disrespectful for her to make frequent calls only to him as if he were single. Some women don’t mind this; I mind it a great deal. It’s a short leap from ‘an old friend getting in touch’ to the beginning of an emotional affair. I would sit your husband down and explain to him in depth why this makes you uncomfortable.
I agree
I agree. I am in this situation now. My husband is having an emotional affairs and it is not comfortable for me.
uffff i have to think about this one.
with the advent of Facebook and other social networking sites I find this happening a lot. it happened to me too and he met her and took her out to dinner. without me knowing
he paid a big price. he was also quite astonished to learn that 30 years is a long time, and she sounded great on the phone, but he also left it right there.
it’s a really sucky thing to happen. normally I’m not the least bit distrubed if spousy has lunch or even dinner with an old friend. I’ve done it myself. But um………..I would say yes a # of calls to your home is disrepectful and distasteful.
I agree with this one. A lunch or dinner is fine, but not repeated calls to your home.
The fact is that this makes you uncomfortable. You don’t want to drive it underground nor are you responsible if that happens. This is time to communicate well. If you can’t do that, then it is also time to take an assertiveness training class. In fact, that might be what this life lesson is about for you. Learning how to say what you feel without attacking. Using “I” messages. Telling him you value him as a man and a husband (hoping that he will be smart enough to repeat that back to you). You have rights here, and you need to voice your feelings.
Hi From experience let me tell you this is not a good thing. My husband of 31 years is talking to an old friend at first it was ok with me but now he has gotten to the point that he tells me he is in love with her. He has not seen her in around 30 years but she was the love of his life and he had planed to see her this month. Things can get out of control in just a blink of the eye so be careful. I have a post on here that I wrote and all the ladies that wrote me back helped me a lot so go look at my post to read it to see if they can help you too.The post is HE FOUND AN OLD GIRLFRIEND ON FACEBOOK I hope this helps I think it is on page 13,14
Fine lines, double standards, trust….I know where I stand on this and that is I wouldn’t want my husband meeting, seeing, going out for lunch, supper with anyone else but me. I would not trust it. I believe one of them at least is attracted enough to want to talk or see the other. Could start out innocently but….That being said, I have many male friends. I would feel very stupid if my boyfriend or husband wanted me to give up all these friendships. I wouldn’t want to be given an ultimatum. The people I know are just friends from years ago. X brother in law, and some men that I went out with in the past, that we have a great friendship, but we’re certainly not in love, but we like to talk to each other and care about each other. Now. I know that would be very hard for a partner to take. I know it certainly isn’t fair. I’m being very honest when I say, that is exactly the way I would want it. I trust me, but I don’t think I would ever trust another person 100 percent/
I understand what you are saying. I work in an environment where the majority of people are male and I consider many of them friends. Often we go out for happy hour, lunch, etc. The key is, my husband, when alive, always knew what I was going to do ahead of time and was always invited to join if he wanted to do so. Usually he said no because he found our shop talk boring. He used those evenings as a chance to have a boys night out. However, the success to this was the fact that he always knew where I was and that he was always invited to join anytime as was I.
Drshe, that is KEY as far as I’m concerned. I was friends with my ex until the day he died. Whenever I ran into him near work or if he called to talk to my daughter, I mentioned it casually to my then-boyfriend. Not because I had anything to hide — quite the opposite. I mentioned it because I felt that not mentioning it would give it more weight. I am an honest person and my goal was to exhibit the behavior I expected in return. As adults, there is no question we’ve had friendships and relationships with the opposite sex in the past, but if you are in a committed relationship, those feelings should remain in the past. Love, in and of itself, does not a marriage make; TRUST and RESPECT have to be in there too.
You said it very well. Thank you. And I agree with you, not saying something will often add suspiscious weight to an innocent act.
Hi KMO,
This same thing happened to me, recently. An old girlfriend contacted my hubby by email. They chatted a bit and he forwarded me all of her emails (she didn’t know he was sharing her emails with me).
She eventually suggested that they keep their emails private…not to let their spouse’s know that they were in contact, etc. She said that they had a right to have this old friendship…something “just between them”. She had written things like, “”I remember the last time you touched me”. Yikes!
Right after she wrote to ask him to keep the emails a secret, he told her that ‘I don’t keep anything secret from my wife and have shared your emails with her all along”. Well, did she ever back peddle! She started saying how much she loved her husband and how this was all just a friendly thing. Uh huh
You are being way too lenient! This is not a good thing for your relationship! This woman is being very rude and is more than likely trying to form an emotional attachment with your hubby which will lead to them meeting again!! Put your foot down and say, “NO More!” Tell your husband that this is hurting you, making you feel bad/sad and to please stop talking to this woman.
Good luck to you!
These calls would not be okay with me. I would find it unacceptable, upsetting, and threatening to the marriage to have a lady friend from the past calling all the time. I think your problem is with your husband for not responding to your request that he stop taking the calls.
I agree with your post.
He needs to listen to you. He must stop accepting the calls. It is that simple. Maybe you should speak with this lady and ask her why she feels the freedom to call him.
Thanks for your post and for the comments. I’m reading them carefully because my husand just got contacted from an old girl friend via email. It’s been decades since they’ve communicated. A common warning thread I am noticing here is that the ”old friend” is not content in her current situation. (The old friend in my husband’s case has a very sick husband).
I am going to stay on alert with this re-newed “friendship”.
“It’s been decades since they’ve communicated.”
E-mail addresses are not cataloged like phone #’s. So how are these people “suddenly” finding e-mail addresses ?
Hi,
If you ‘Google’ a person’s name, you will get several possible names similar to what you are looking for. If the person you are looking for has a website or has used/his/her name while ‘surfing’, posting, etc., it is real easy to find the gal or guy you are looking for. It is harder to find women because of the name change at marriage, etc..
This is how my husband’s old gal friend found him. she Googled his name and he popped up everywhere because of his business. In fact, he has had several of his women friend’s find him that way. Only one of them seem to persist, though. She has since stopped contacting him, but only after he told her he was sharing her emails with me. :]
This woman may be unhappy in her own relationship, but it doesn’t give her the right to jeopardize yours. Your husband probably has no clue what’s going on here and quite innocently enjoys these calls. Her motives are very different and you should explain this to him. If he thinks about it for a moment, he would realize he would not be pleased if you did the same thing to him.
kmo, are you with us? What is happening now? There is so much good advise and just wondering what your take is.
A lady my husband works with was having issues at work and my husband said he was going to take her out for dinner so she could vent, which she couldn’t do at work. I said what would it look like if someone from your office saw the two of you. He paused … thought about it and said Ya maybe lunch. Even that, if someone from his work saw them even out for lunch the tongues would start to wag.
He decided to go over to her house, when her husband was at home.
Men don’t see the world the same way woman do and sometimes they have to be reminded.
I’ve watched this thread with great interest and concern because your original post holds a line that, to me, reveals the truth: I will say we have a good relationship, but do not communicate that well. My emphasis has always been on the revelatory “will say” that signafied that you were hiding essential truths.
As women we care deeply for strangers and a lot of us have probably been watching this thread from our email boxes. Now you’ve revealed that your husband is both an alcoholic and and abuser. That means that this situation is far more complex and dangerous than you originally chose to reveal. If you had, the advise would have been far more to the point in some instances and you would have been advised to get yourself to a safe place more consistently.
Yet the wisdom of women did out. Look through this thread and see those of us who advised you to seek legal aid. This guy and you are dancing an old dance but alcohol and abuse get worse. This woman’s entrance just upped the stakes and tipped the the weight. He’s probably scared himself a bit or is making plans behind the scenes.
I’m particularly concerned about your post with so many misspellings and poor grammar usage. Nobody called you on that. You were either drinking yourself or so stressed that you need immediate medical help. As in, your blood pressure’s up, or your anxiety level is far too high to make safe decision. You are in trouble.
The only advise that I would not have given, and by no means do I fault the giver because you withheld the facts, was to involve the black widow. Your husband, in my opinion, is looking for a reason to up his own diseases and he just got it from his fantasy friend. You will either follow along on your own disease path or you’ll finally get to Alcoholics Anonymous or another supportive group that understands your particular part of the duo that has now become a trio.
Yes, your husband’s knee is now hurt and he hasn’t met her. Or so he says. Maybe she will make the trip. But her physical presence is not the issue. You’ve got a lot of interrupters in your relationship: lies, alcohol, fantasy, abuse, fear, women (is she really the only one?), denial, walking-on-eggs, and need for security. How many of us have been there or are there now?
Strip to the bone, kmo. It’s now or never.
Glowrose, Sorry, but your post doesn’t make sense. where did all the following come from??
["I'm particularly concerned about your post with so many misspellings (??) and poor grammar (??) usage. Nobody called you on that. You were either drinking yourself or so stressed that you need immediate medical help (?????). As in, your blood pressure's up, or your anxiety level is far too high to make safe decision(?????). You are in trouble. (?????)
The only advise that I would not have given, and by no means do I fault the giver because you withheld the facts (?????), was to involve the black widow. Your husband, in my opinion, is looking for a reason to up his own diseases and he just got it from his fantasy friend. You will either follow along on your own disease(?????? yikes!) path or you'll finally get to Alcoholics Anonymous or another supportive group that understands your particular part of the duo that has now become a trio.
Yes, your husband's knee is now hurt(???) and he hasn't met her. Or so he says. Maybe she will make the trip. But her physical presence is not the issue. You've got a lot of interrupters in your relationship: lies, alcohol, fantasy, abuse, fear, women (is she really the only one?), denial, walking-on-eggs, and need for security. How many of us have been there or are there now?
Strip to the bone, kmo. It's now or never."] ?????
I see no reference to any of this….I didn’t copy all of your post, but most of it had info never mentioned anywhere? KMO only wrote one, short, post and you got all of this?? Yikes! P.S.Does anyone else understand this response from Glowrose? I could be missing something?
Glowrose I think you have missed the point of most of my post. When and where does it say that any of us has to write formaly. My husband is not a wife beater he is an alcoholic who at this point is recieving help. Also where in my post did I say that we do not communiate well NO WHERE . I think you have my post mixed up with someone else.
I see what you did now you combined the two post mine Silver Sally and KMO’S I THINK YOU SHOULD MAYBE GET SOME HELP FOR YOURSELF FIRST BEFORE YOU JUDGE OTHERS.
Careful. That’s how ALL affairs begin…”just friends”….leave me alone…we’re “just friends”. I would go to counseling about it.
This is not good or innocent, no matter what your husband may say. It is inappropriate, a violation of boundaries, a threat to your marriage. INSIST that it stop before things get more involved. Protect your marriage.
sorry – meant to reply to you…
Invite her to dinner. You know the saying - keep your friends close and your enemies closer. You can watch the interaction
Where are you, kmo? We are waiting to hear how things are going..
It is time for you to insist that the phone calls stop. She is fishing in your pond.
Kmo, when a person starts a thread, having some participation from the author is expected. You started two and didn’t follow up on either. Just a note here and there would help. That’s how conversations work. Otherwise, it’s not as much fun :^)