I have been happily married for 30 years. I have just discovered my husband was found by an old girlfriend on facebook. They have been e-mailing each other. I told him I was not comfortable with him keeping in contact with her. He thinks there is nothing wrong with keeping in contact with her. I asked him to stop but he refuses. He even told me he had no problem if I wanted to e-mail my old boyfriends.
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Permalink: http://www.vibrantnation.com/family-relationships/husband-e-mailing-old-girlfriend/
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Sounds very interesting.
Spike, you are awesome! Love your perspective, thanks for sharing.
Marie, sorry you’re having to go through this. A while back, Evie had the same problem. I’m linking you up to it.
http://www.vibrantnation.com/conversations/66568-felt-uneasy-about-this-email-from-my-husbands-ex/
Hope this helps some.
Hugs.
Have you asked him if you can see the emails? To me, it sounds like they’re just catching up…hoping each has done well in life, etc.
I have reached out and been contacted on FB by many people from my past, people that I cared about very much…even though I’m happy with my current situation in life. I’m even friends with my ex-hubby and current hubby has no problem with it!
Based on what you’ve said, it sounds like the contact may be harmless. I’ve been in touch with old boyfriends, my husband stays in contact with a couple old girlfriends. It hasn’t ever taken away from our relationship. I think I’d clear it up with your husband, find out what is being said, ask him to talk about her and their old friendship (make sure you make it comfortable for him to talk). After you have all the facts then decide if your relationship is threatened. This isn’t easy and I’m so sorry for you. But you never know, this could strengthen your relationship with your husband.
my husbands ex has also been in contact with him. he told me hes always loved her and wants to see her someday before he goes[ hes 63].they”ve hidden their conversations fom me and we”ve been fighting about her. he”s on the edge of leaving because we”ve been having problems an now she”s added to the problems. he”s on farmville so shes his friend n they can chat any time[ plus emails and addresses] and i”ve been kept in the dark, she”s always lurking waiting for him to come on computor. i dont know if i lost him or not.he says he cares deeply for me ,but didnt say love. he also gave that old no problem if u want to talk to old boyfriends stuff.he would get so mad if i walked in on their chat.she”s trying to draw him away and i dont know what to do. i know her husband s in the dark too. so get ready for lots of heartache
This sounds like the problem is more than talking with an ex. It sounds like he is reaching outside the relationship for something he isn’t getting inside it. What is needed is an open dialogue. Tell him how this is making you feel, and ask him why is she so important to him if she is just an online friend? It’s when they are secretive, and cools toward you that there is a problem.
she:s not just an online friend, they were lovers 38 years ago and parted because they couldnt stay together because he was a musician. he says he still loves her and always will. an its very secertive . he gets very mad when i go see what hes doing an hes chatting with her. theres emails and facebook chats on farmville, exchanged addresses an i wouldnt know about her except he was acting funny . he wont let me on his computor or see his phone and she”s his friend on farmville so they sent hearts and chat and i dont see anything . weve talked but i dont know what he plans on doing. he went on a trip by hisself and said he didnt miss me at all. we work together an he thinks we re togther to much. she 1000 miles away so now what but she s pulling at him, so now what?
sounds like a male midlife crisis, perhaps you need to stand your ground, and provide him an anchor. Insist on marital counseling, and if he won’t go, get your own counseling, it could empower you to do whatever you need to do with regards to his actions. ( like dropping the anchor overboard and sailing on with your life ) If he insists on keeping his correspondence with this other woman a secret, it’s because he is being inappropriate, and he knows it.
he says hes getting old.they have exchanged ph numbers, talking up to 5 times a day. he tore the ph up when i looked at it and today he put the number in his name. i wont be able to look at calls now.i try talking to him he gets angry tells me hes with me n their just remanishin, old time sakes. thing is hes always makes sure hes away from me when they talk. i called her and told her she had made my life hell, she said she was sorry. he tells me im jelous of everybody ,but dont u think shes different. no there something else going on.hes done the imtimadating thing on me and uses the threat of moving on selling the place. i dont know how to get help with my insecurities plus i dont know how a person gets over being anti social which is another part of the problem
Tell your husband to drop dead!! Leave this jerk!! It’s a full blown emotional affair and he is telling her how unhappy with you he is!! My EX did it to me, I took one look at the cell bills, his facebook account and walked out on him after 20 years together, same attitude as your jerk-off man of yours – tell him your done with his sorry ass!! Find someone to love!
Sorry you are going through this Judy. I went through this with my hubby about 6 months ago…but he took up with a stranger playing Mafia Wars on Facebook(could have been Farnville too!). I found the messages they had for each other…very explicit. They were planning to meet up and spend the weekend together while I was out of town. I was devastated and then I was ANGRY. We went to marriage counseling. We have only been married five years. I completely trusted him. I left for a few weeks to take care of my sick mother and asked him to think about what really mattered to him and what he wanted for his and our future. I made it abundantly clear that I would leave the marriage if he continued communicating with this woman (I saw her photo..UGH!) Our sex life and intimacy had been fine prior to my discovery of his “affair”. He claims he never met with her. I am slowly trusting him again, it has not been easy. I love him and he loves me. My suggestion would be for marriage counseling. It takes two people to make a marriage, if he refuses to go, take a note that this is not his priority. Go for yourself and grow stronger. Big hugs to you. I will be praying for you.
thank you
I have been in contact with several old boyfriends and male friends who had crushes on me when we were younger on face book. I think it can be harmful and harmless.. constant communication behind a spouses back is HARMFUL!!!! Catching up with someone you used to know and be friends in open sight of the other’s spouse is great and not harmful…. I have had very innocent catching up of;how have you been conversations with some really dear old male friends. LOVED IT! But the communications after the first few of hey how are you? how many kids did you end up having? What do you do for a living? HOw are your parents? basically die out or at least thin out dramatically. They are great fun, and I love hearing from old friends (most have been initated from the other side). I am single, and one of my old boyfriends (also single) are really close after months of communication and it is a ..we will see.. relationship.. it’s more than just catching up at this point..but we are BOTH single.. So let him communicate as long as it doesnt last too long and it is just a catch up!!
I guess it depends on how open he is with the correspondance. In the meantime keep a dialogue open, and try not to come off as possessive. He is a grown man, and has the right to talk to anyone he desires, as do you. If he has been honest these past 30 years, and trustworthy then I would continue in that trust. If he says there is nothing going on then I would let it go. You stated your concern, “that you were not comfortable with him keeping in contact with her.” Are you afraid he will start an online relationship with her? He has chosen you for 30 years, and you are happy, perhaps he is just catching up as the others have said.
My best advise…don’t over react! If you’ve been married to this husband for 30 years I’d say you had a pretty strong bond going on! Don’t rock the boat. If he on the other hand rocks the boat then beat him back into submission with your oar! LOL
It’s kind of nice to catch up with ex’s sometimes. I did with mine at my dad’s funeral and we had a hoot. There was nothing more wonderful than the shock of seeing each other and how we now looked. He showed me pictures of his wife and children. I showed him pictures of mine and it was great to trade notes on what we traded up for. He got a wife with gigantor boobs, and I got a husband that was not short, fat, and bald.
What is really funny is when you see a pic of someone and then see them in real life. That happened to me with a friend that I had known many years before. He was sending out pics when he was 10 years younger than he was when we met in person. That is not fair in any body’s book.LOL Quite an adjustment in a matter of minutes but I managed not to let him know he looked a far cry from the pic he sent to me. It is funny how they think you won’t notice the difference. LOL
honey, they know you will see the difference, they just pray you don’t bring it up. they send out those younger looking pics because they figure you won’t bother meeting with them if you know what they really look like. Pathetic, but true.
i have watched some of the on line dating things.. i see pictures of guys all the time that either are 10 years younger OR they say they are 55, but if you look at their picture you know they are puhing 70
Ive been married for 26 years and as I now know from the details my husband has shared with me now, he was contacted by his first girlfriend in March of 2008 via classmates.com. I found out that they were texting and calling each other in July 2008 when I saw a number that I didnt recognize over and again. I confronted him and he said they were only “friends”and he would stop talking to her. One day in September of 2009 a cell phone number that I didnt recognize called me and it was my husband calling from his “secret” (NOT a secret ANYMORE) cell phone that he and his affair partner had gotten back in July 2008 after they were first found out. They had been having a year and a half sexual affair at this point. I HAD NO CLUE. We have been to a MC and my husband says he loves me and not her and it was the biggest mistake of his life. Im having a hard time with EVERYTHING now. Forgivness, trust, respect even wonder if I love him now. Im not sure that I can ever forget/forgive what he did or even should forget. Im 52 and never thought I would be in this situration at this point in my life. Any thoughts?? After the secret cell called me he denied his affair with her for 6 weeks straight. He made up a story about a girl he met at a job site and said he bought the phone to call her but decided he didnt really have much in common with her…..But he did say that he would never tell me WHO it was because he wouldnt let ME ruin HER life. He eventually told me the truth about WHO it was after I cryed, yelled, screamed and pleaded with him for the truth. He has told me that she told him that she loved him and would leave her husband for him. She told him that she married the wrong guy. There are so many thing that still keep going around in my head that make me feel like what happened is a deal breaker for my marriage. I feel that he should have been scared to death when she told him those things…..that is if he wanted his marriage to last.
im in same situration, never thought my husband would cheat on me. theyve been in contact 7 months now. hes lied to me and they ve met in feb for 5 days, i forgave him n its still hard to deal with. she has contact with him on facebook and ph which im shut out of. he recently made a trip where he tied me up,we work same place, hauling crude oil n hes lead driver, with another load while he went in an got a friend to pick him up an take him home where he got some clothes and 600. cash and dissapeared friday an came back sunday afternoon. well she disapeared too but came back on mon. he wont talk to me about any of these trips or her.just gets angry so i drop it . oh yeah he did tell me this last trip was a joke on me n he xhusband. he tells me when she leaves cuz they live 700 miles away from us. he refuses to tell me anything on last trip except he need some time to think. he s even further away from me n like u its hard to deal with. things an questions go round and round in your head an you dont know whats the truth an whats a lie. i read a deal let the past go and consitrate on the new. he tries to make me think its all my fault an i m losing my mind. itll be hard but hes going to counsling with you, mine wont. says he s a free spriet, i say hes spoiled and selfish. pull up monte fertel he sends out marriage counsling advice. any way i dont know why my husband is still here an i dont know how long its going to last cuz it dont feel like he wants me,but good luck with yours. mine says im trying to controll him etc but its hard to trustan its hard to work on it by yourself.yours is telling you its over but she s probley not giving him up so easy. trust your gut feelings if he doesnt act normal up can bet hes up to something. good luck
the name is Mort Fertel.com he sends advice email http://www. Mort fertel.com/home-flex.asp
why are you trusting??? get OUT
Sunshine, my question is why you want HIM, not whether he wants you. He’s using and abusing you. He’s more than “spoiled and selfish” — you deserve much better treatment than that. See a counselor on your own if he won’t go — not to save the marriage, but to understand whether you want to be there. I can’t help saying again: you deserve better.
Norespect, your husband has lied and hidden so much, of course you’re in turmoil. I think that if your husband has any respect for your marriage, he’ll agree to go to counseling with you ASAP and tell the whole truth. The counselor will spot whether he’s truthful — he or she is trained to “hear” what the person is saying AND not saying.