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how to survive a divorce after 27 years of marriage Most Liked Hot Conversation

after him being a good husband,good father and good lover. I was co-dependent on him emotionally and for me is very hard now that I’m alone.

Divorce After 50: How to Save Yourself and Lose Him
6 keys to help you survive (even thrive) when a long-term marriage ends

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Posted in family & relationships.

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260 Responses

  1. Paula Ellen Paula Ellen says

    Sometimes you have to let go completely, and your husband has to hit rock bottom for you both to see things for what they really are. I have been struggling with my husband for over a year on what I know for sure (but he denies) is a mid-life crisis. Read the book “How to Survive Your Husband’s Mid-Life Crisis” right now! It will help you a great deal. There is also a website, midlifeclub.com that will help as well.

    I asked my husband to move out last May, he’s been gone since June. Although it’s been an incredibly painful journey, I have learned so much about myself in the past year that I am feeling pretty wonderful about myself and my life. We were ready to file and begin divorce proceedings in March. To my absolutely shock, my husband has in the past few weeks come out of his fog and had the epiphany of a lifetime. I wasn’t prepared for it, and wasn’t expecting it. He is a completely different man and now wants me back in his life, so he can prove how great a marriage we can have. This is after an affair with a co-worker that has lasted for the last 18 months. After talking with my counselor and several very close friends and family members, I have decided to let him show me how things can be different and giving our marriage one final chance. I am cautiously hopeful and so far, it’s been amazing. My only fear is it won’t last, so we are taking it very slowly.

    I realize infidelity is a deal breaker for many, but for me it wasn’t. So far, my husband has been absolutely amazing and for me this is nothing short of a miracle. Yet the counselor says he has seen this happen many times. Read the book, and when you are done with that one, read “Laugh Your Way To A Better Marriage” by Mark Gungor (www.laughyourway.com), and “How to Heal a Painful Relationship” by Bill Ferguson (http://www.divorceasfriends.com). These two books were key in helping my husband and I heal from the damage and move forward. Another good book is “Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends” by Fisher and Alberti. Good luck and much love to you!

    15 like

    • Generic Image Flax says

       

      My wife threw me out about a week and a half ago. I had no idea it was coming. She would kiss me goodbye everyday and tell me she loved me. I have been an extremely good provider and we have a nice  home. (one that we will now lose). I was hoping to spend eternity with her (Mormon). We have not been intimate for 16 years and I have abused alcohol in the past. I have been clean for many years but I take a good amount of pain medication for gout damage to my knees and feet. I’m sure she is looking for the intimacy and I have offered and tried on occasions but there was no response. Probably too much time has passed. We still espouse our love for each other and neither of us has had affairs. I am incredibly sad and on an emotional rollercoaster. I have contemplated suicide but I know this would traumatize my 16 year old son. I lost my father when I was 13 and it has been an incredible hard life. Don’t feel like going on. Lost my best friend, and I have no future, except to provide for my family who no longer wants me and to try and salvage my relationships with my kids. Never felt this bad in my life. I will not seek another mate. She was and is the love of my life.

       

       

      9 like

      • Paula Ellen Paula Ellen says

        Flax, please don’t hurt yourself. I felt the same way, and stopped myself for the same reasons. I couldn’t do that to my kids, 17 and 20. Things will get better, even though there is no way you can imagine that right now, I know. I called and talked to people who had been through separation and divorce for support when it first happened to me. They had a lot of excellent advice. It’s amazing how people will open up to you when you are vulnerable and simply ask for help. 

        Get to a counselor now! They can look at things objectively and see options you can’t, or aren’t aware of. Women can have mid-life crisis’ as well, but you may be right when you say too much time has passed. You need to look into the reason you were not intimate for 16 years. I’m sure your wife felt very lonely and undesirable for all those years. Intimacy is important. Even if she has fallen out of love with you, that can be regained. Think of the reasons she fell in love with you at the beginning of  your relationship. If you become those things again, there is a good chance she will respond.

        But I am not a counselor, I just read too much. :) But my heart goes out to you, Flax. Reach out to her, but she may not respond. She may have moved on, but don’t give up hope. Just try to figure out what it was that made her want to leave. It’s not enough to love someone, they have to *feel* loved. Look up the five languages of love. Each of us feels love in certain ways. If you were not showing your wife the kind of love she responds to, then it was to her as if she was not loved at all. This was another part of what went wrong between my husband and I. It’s definitely worth looking into.

        But please see a professional. I have been seeing one since my problems began in January of 09. Especially with the roller coaster emotions, it helps a great deal to have someone who understands what you are going through, kind of like a coach. Whatever you do, DO NOT BEG your wife to come back. Become a better person, a strong, confident person and figure out what went wrong. Give her space, but don’t lose contact with her. And pray. For you and for her. Because that helps, too. Good luck and please let me know how you are doing. <3

        11 like

    • Generic Image Jan Brown says

      Paula,

      It’s been almost a year since you made this post.  I am wondering if you were able to make it work?  Since you have a year behind you it would be interesting to get a little feedback from that.  I think it would be so very difficult and take tons of work, but to be honest I would still like to try.  It has been almost exactly a year since my husband left me for another woman.  We had been married 32 years and he had been faithful for the first 30.  About a year and a half before he left he started having an emotional affair and then about 5 months before he left he started the physical affair.  So in a little of his defense it took him several months to get around to it.  Believe you me nothing he did was right.  However, it’s just difficult to hate someone that was loyal for 30 years.  He told me about the affair about a year ago and moved in with her.  I never hear from him and haven’t seen him since about three weeks after he left.  He may never want to come back but I would like to know if it is at all possible for things to work out if he did.  Thanks,

      Jan

      6 like

      • Paula Ellen Paula Ellen says

        Wow, Jan. You will probably not believe it, but I will tell you what happened.

        What happened initially to me was similar to what happened to you. Married 23 years, he was unhappy for about 5 years, and I had no idea. During those last two years, he decided it was a good idea to have an affair with a co-worker to try and escape his pain. We had been in counseling on and off during his unhappy years, but he kept “giving the right answers” to the counselor, so we never made any progress. It breaks my heart.

        We made the decision to try again about a year ago in February. At first it seemed okay but eventually things fell apart. I tried to go slowly with rebuilding the relationship, but my husband pushed the issue and wanted to move back in, which pissed me off. Things got so bad with him back in the house and wanting his way all the time, I decided to file for divorce in May. But an string of very odd coincidental events happened that made me think I was making a mistake, so I stopped the divorce action.

        That was the beginning of June. I spent the next two months trying to figure out how to be in this strange new relationship with my husband, but instead of feeling better as time went on, it felt stranger. I realized that every time we weren’t 100% sure of the other’s mindset, that I would be wondering if he was thinking of returning to his mistress, and he would be wondering if I was thinking of returning to the guy I had been seeing for about 6 months. And we were never 100% about each other. So during intimacy I couldn’t help but wonder if he was silently comparing me to her, and wonder if he said these things to her, touched her this way, etc. I just could not stop thinking of her, it was like she was in bed with us too.

        Also, when we were out in public as a couple, I found myself being ashamed to be seen with him. After what he did to me, and taking him back, I felt other women who knew me were thinking “what a shame, she settled.” And that made me very sad. I felt I had resigned myself to this life instead of going into it with the proper mindset and energy one would normally have in a new relationship. I felt that I had sold out. I didn’t tell my husband about these feelings. I had gone back and forth so many times with him that I wanted to wait and see if they would pass.

        Then toward the end of July my husband went on a fishing trip to Canada (we live in Wisconsin) for a week. That week there were also auditions for a new community theater musical, which I went out for, and ran into the guy I had been seeing. We did not speak, since he had been very upset when I went back to my husband in June. But the next day he wished me well on auditions via email.

        Well we talked more and more as the week went on, and when Friday came we decided to meet and talk for awhile. We did just talk, but it was apparent that our feelings were still very strong. I realized that I could not stay with my husband. I realized that I would always wonder if he was out having an affair, since he had done so without me realizing for almost a year, and now he knew the way there. So if he wanted to do it again, he could very easily, and I would never know. I realized that although I loved my husband, and had forgiven him, that I could never truly trust him again, and that was everything. Without trust, there was nothing.

        I did not want to divorce, because it is truly one of the most painful processes there is, on so many levels, and it lasts so long. It’s tougher than a death, because you have to continue seeing this person in your town and discuss the children with them and other matters, and you can’t just run away from it all.

        When my husband came home the following night, it was very difficult to tell him that my feelings had changed. He too had had his doubts, but he also had high hopes. Within a week though, he was talking to the woman he had had the affair with, and they eventually started seeing each other regularly. This is very painful for me, since I never saw that coming. I thought he would have the respect for my children and I to realize how seeing her is so painful for us. That she represents the destruction of our family. But he doesn’t see that. He hopes to truly make his relationship with her work. The children tell me they will never accept her. I feel sorry for my husband that he can’t see their point of view.

        So what I realized is that even though I have forgiven my husband and still love him deeply, I cannot live with him. I want him to be happy, and I realize we cannot be truly happy with each other with the trust broken. So I decided to let him go.

        Our divorce is soon to be final, in early February. My husband still thinks we could make it work, he thinks my “boyfriend” got in the way of that. The truth is I would be leaving regardless of another love interest. I guess his ego can’t allow him to accept that he failed epically. It’s easier to blame someone else for that. It’s nice to know he still cares deeply for me, and yet I know I can’t be with him. I can’t run the risk of allowing myself to be humiliated again, to be hurt again. The door to that room in my heart is truly closed forever.

        I love now, but with my eyes wide open to the reality that is. You’re right Jan, it’s a lot of hard, horrible emotional work. This is why people stay married anyway. They don’t want the pain of this experience, and I can’t blame them. But I could not live a lie. No matter what I end up losing, or how many scars I have to endure, I have to be true to myself, even if that means living alone. I’ll let you make the decision of whether or not this can be considered a ‘happy ending.’

        Paula

        25 like

      • Generic Image leslie mosesso says

        Paula, Your post helped me so much to get a grip on the reality that if my husband of 24 years ever did want to come back, which i know in my heart he will not, but I so pray for this day, but you made me see that I would always be insecure with him, always thinking that he is thinking of his life with his girlfriend.  You know, you are right that I would be embarrassed to be with him, my whole community knows what he did.  I have to come to the realization that he ruined us forever,even if it tears my heart up that I will never be with him again. He chose this and I am worth more than to settle. I would give anything to go back before it all happened, but I cant, the damage is done. At least you got that second chance for you to call it quits, I am so impressed that you ended it, that took strength.  I pray that missing him will go away.  It is now a sat. morning and I miss just hanging out with him, i lost my best friend and lonely is horrible. Take care Paula,it seems like you made it! Leslie

        20 like

      • Generic Image Jan Brown says

        Paula,

        I couldn’t find where I responded to your post above, but since Leslie did it brought my attention to it again.  I thank you so much for sharing your experience with us.  We all know how hurtful this entire subject is, but I think your post says a lot to those of us who would like to turn back the clock.  I think everything thing you said is probably correct.  It’s just so difficult to let go but I am hoping that one day I will be able to.  When that day will be I have no idea and it’s possible the answer may be never.  I am so happy for you that you were able to make that choice.  It seems like those months of trying to get back together may have been very stressful and I don’t know how much more stress I could handle anyway.  Could luck to you and thank you again for sharing.  You know people rarely come back and tell us what happened at the end.  They just post when they are the most miserable.  Jan

         

         

        7 like

      • Generic Image leslie mosesso says

        Jan, It is sad, but I am sure if my husband wanted to come back, I would take him in a minute-that is so sad, but I am shocked at how much I miss him. I guess I did not realize that I loved him as much as I did or is it that I love him more because he is gone? I wonder,am I just lonely or in shock that he left me and our boys and our life and replaced me with a nasty girl 12yrs younger? I try so hard to remember the times that he drove me crazy, but I look back and just want my life back-it is such a bad dream that we cannot wake up from.  Everyone keeps saying that it will get easier, but I really dont see me ever getting over this.  I think I will always wonder what he is doing-dont think I will be able to let him go and love again.  I know that I did not deserve this and I should hate him, but I really believe that it was a true blue mid life crisis and he became someone different and lost himself. I wonder if like in Paulas case, if he realized what he has done and wants his life back, do these men deserve a second chance? I doubt that I will ever come to that point- i hope some great guy pops into my life-even if he is not the one, mayby I could see that there is hope.  Leslie

        5 like

      • Generic Image Jan Brown says

        Leslie, when reading your email I feel like I have written it myself.  When he first left I saw an attorney right away and started the divorce proceedings.  She told me then that she had seen this many times and it usually takes them 18 months to 2 years to get their brains back.  She said she had seen a 54 year old woman leave her husband for a 24 year old young man.  Of course the husband was devastated and kept saying that she was acting sick, like she had lost her mind.  He felt he needed to protect her while she was out of her mind.  The attorney finally had to tell him if he did not leave her alone that he would end up in jail.  She didn’t really tell me the end of the story, but I have a feeling that is the way you feel.  Because that is the way I feel too.  That they have just lost their minds.

        As far as them deserving a second chance Iwould say that 99.9% of the population would say no.  It’s just so difficult to feel that way when I know how loyal he was for 30 years.  The last 2 not so much.  I too want my life back.  The problem is every time he would do anything new I would know he learned it from her.  Every time he was a little bit late I would assume he was with someone else.  I think I am slightly ahead of you because as much as I want him back I think after a few months I might not be able to get past what he has done.  If it is really nature that causes this as in a mid-life crisis it’s difficult for me to understand what kind of cruel joke is it that God has played on us?

        I read somewhere (and trust me I have read everything I can find on this subject) that the reason it is so difficult is that we have become addicted to them.  That really does make sense.  I didn’t realize how much I loved him until he was gone either.  But was it truly that much love or a little love and a lot of addiction?  Of course addiction to your husband is not a bad thing so who really knows?  Life has a way of really bringing you down sometimes and all I can say is that I am very slowly getting better.  Even at that I still don’t see hope for me and I know I will never get past this.  Take care, Jan

        8 like

      • Generic Image leslie mosesso says

        Jan, I think that it is addiction and even more it is complete comfort that only comeswith years of being with someone.  That is what I miss the most.  Just being with him and knowing what he is thinking, just talking to him and even just a hug.  I literally get sick when I think about him and the new girl being a complete couple already.  The pain of this betrayal is unbearable, this loss of comfort is what I have to get past.  Lets face it, neither one of us wants to start over. Some people say to me that I am lucky because I can find a new love. I want to smack them- I wanted to grow old with my husband, I wanted to raise our boys together.  All I can say is that I do hope time helps me and I hope karma and guilt get to him some day.  I have to wake up everyday and care for my kids, they need me, but I am just an empty person inside. I do a great job of faking it, but waking up daily is just torture.  I am sorry for being so negative, I know you are trying to move on and I should be more positive, but I am only 6months after the move out(3months of fighting before it)and this is all still so fresh and hard for me. Thanks for responding and I do trust that god will reward us and there has to be a reason for all of this. I am a better,stronger person, I will say that. I just cant flip a switch on 24yrs of love like he did. I have a heart,he is the one who is flawed! Take care, leslie

        8 like

      • Generic Image Jan Brown says

        Leslie,  I understand about feeling sick when you think of them.  I feel sick when I think of him, of what he did and it still seems so foreign to me after this long.  It is so difficult to even believe much less get over.  You’re right I am ahead of you just a little and I think it was about 8 or 9 maybe 10 months in that seemed like the worst for whatever reason.  I’m sure everyone is different.  It doesn’t mean that I still don’t wish every single day that he hadn’t done this, but I guess I am adjusting a little bit to being alone.  It doesn’t mean that i like it.  It’s sort of like getting used to taking a bitter pill. You have no choice but to take it if you want to get well.  I have no choice but to learn to live with this.  My biggest fear now is that he does try to come back, I take him back and I can’t get past it.  I am terrified that this will happen.  Not that I don’t want that opportunity because I need for his relationship to not work. 

        I can’t imagine what it is like trying to deal with children still at home.  I sometimes feel sorry for myself because I am so alone.  My daughters are grown and one visits with him, one does not.  That being said I just don’t know if I could get through the day dealing with children. I couldn’t deal with my little dog for almost the first 10 or 11 months.  I know, it doesn’t make sense.  She missed him too and was sad.  And yes, only an idiot would tell you that you were lucky and could find a new love.  That’s just garbage.  It may be possible that you find a new love, but there is nothing lucky about this situation.  If it’s luck it’s bad luck.  There is nobody on this earth that has ever been through a long term relationship (20 years or better) and this happens to that would ever use the words lucky. I know many have happily ever after endings that we hear about, but we don’t hear about their lives 3 or 4 or 5 years after they have married the second time.  I would say sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t.  Even at that how can you ever love as deeply as you did the first time?  I don’t believe you can because you will always be just a little bit more guarded than you were the first time.  I know that I will never be able to let myself completely relax and trust that much again.  I might be able to love, but not that deeply.  You will always guard your heart just a little bit.  The person that we thought we would grow old with is gone.  Whether we like it or not they lost their minds, they just cheated, whatever happened did happen and that person is gone.  Even if they came back it could never be the same.  She would always be there with you for the rest of your lives. 

        You can probably tell I’m a little down this morning.  This is the 3rd day in a row I have been off work due to the weather.  It’s the days that I am off work that are the most difficult.  When I am at work I wish for a day off.  When the days off come I just go nuts if I am at home for more than a couple of days.  I’m not used to going places alone so when I do go alone I have to make myself.  At that I usually go shopping or to the grocery store. I have never enjoyed shopping before but for some reason that’s all I can think of to do.  My daughter calls it “retail therapy”.  That’s probably true.  I really can’t afford to do that too often because financially I really have to watch my money.  Just going and looking and not buying something has never been an option for me.  I rather take a beating than do that.  So I’m not sure what to do with my life.  I need someone to just tell me what the best thing to do with my life is but that’s a journey I think only I can take and I hate that I have to take that journey alone.  Okay I better quit feeling sorry for myself and stop for now.  Take care and keep putting one foot in front of the other (figuratively speaking), Jan

        11 like

      • Generic Image leslie mosesso says

        Jan, Believe me, I get it, the pain,the betrayal,the loss of my life, the loss of my hopes and dreams, the loss of my partner and friend,the loss of our family,the feeling that except for the children, my life was a total waste, building all that time up with someone you thought you would be with forever,yet, now,having to start over,should I go on?  Let me tell you girlfriend,we are sooo aloud to bitch and feel sorry for ourselves-this is honestly the most painful experience-a broken heart is for real-it really feels broken, so dont ever feel bad about feeling sorry for yourself.  Now I will say, we cant be like that all the time,we have to let it out,cry,scream and ask why, but then we have to count our blessings,because if we let them ruin the rest of our lives,then shame on us.  We have to force ourselves to do things,we have to be open to a new life.  They hurt us very deeply, but remember this always, they chose to leave in a very dishonorable way and they have to live with that,not us.  I can go to my grave with a clean slate and lets be honest, we say we still love them so much because they are gone, but what really happened is that they showed their true colors and we should not settle for that.  I am having a horrible time moving on because he is daily torturing my boys(14 and11) to come up to his new house where he lives with his nasty younger girlfriend.  my boys wont go and he makes them feel guilty-they are a mess.  Plus, I can see his house from my house-how nice for me.  We have a decent amount of money, so he takes her on all kinds of vacations and bought a new sports car and he says he is so happy.  Yet, he cries to the therapist that he is losing his boys.  Let me tell you, their deamons will get them.  We have to get up everyday,be thankful and know that good will come in time,it will Jan,be open to it.  When you start thinking about what he is doing,stop yourself-it is not worth our thoughts.  Lets keep talking-we will make it together. Leslie

        12 like

      • Generic Image Jan Brown says

        Leslie,  I cannot imagine having to live so close to him that you can see his house.  At least I am in the town we lived in for 29 years.  About 10 years ago he had gotten laid off at a job he had for several years.  Because he has no college he had a difficult task finding work.  He had started trying to sell life insurance and was terrible at it.  I was working in a Human Resources position and a job came over our fax.  I suggested he go ask about it.  It was in a town an hour away.  He got the job and that’s where he met her. So of course when he moved in with her he was an hour from me.  That has certainly helped.  I don’t know how you deal with it seeing him and his house and knowing all about him.  I used to ask my youngest daughter about his visits to her etc. It was upsetting to me and to her and I finally told her I would not ask about him or his visits and she was not to share any information about him.  Do I wonder?  All of the time. But it really seems to help the two of us not to discuss him.  So I will learn to live with that.  They have no idea what it does to the children even though my children are adult children.  He actually told my youngest daughter he had no idea it would hurt them so much.

        Because of the weather I have been off work now for almost the entire week.  I still have the weekend to go.  These type of days are the most difficult for me.  When spring gets here I am busy working outside because I have so much mowing to do.  It really seems to help to be able to work outside.  I am usually just a basket case when I am off work this long.  I just wonder to myself how much longer can this misery last? I was 6 years older than he was and the woman he chose was only 3 years younger than him.  Of course that puts her almost 10 years younger than me and thin.  I am not, although the last year he was here I had lost 40 pounds.  I lost 10 more after he left.  I am still about 20 or 30 pounds heavier than I should be.  We had just bought him a sporty little car the month that he left.  How classic is that?  I pointed that out to him, but you know I think he just thought it was coincidental.  Who knows what they think.  I don’t think they really do think at this time. I don’t think anything logical really enters their minds.  This woman was married.  The people at their work still do not know about them and neither does her family.  He can’t go to holidays or any family functions with her.  They can’t go eat out because someone might see them.  What kind of life is that?  Oh well, I think he will eventually crash and burn. 

        I have thought and thought what could I have done differently and I don’t really think there is anything I could have done.  He has used several excuses.  “We didn’t have anything in common.  I like music and he likes sports.  We just grew apart.”  He even told our daughters that we had gone on a trip and tried to work things out, but it didn’t help.  I didn’t know anything was wrong.  I didn’t know we were going on a trip to fix things.  How could I have fixed anything if he didn’t tell me something was wrong?  He was just pulling anything out to justify what he had done.  I even offered to let him stay in the guest room and go to counseling, but he “didn’t think he could stay away from her.”  So he left.  So what it boiled down to none of those excuses were good ones.  It boils down to the fact that he found a girlfriend and that’s how we grew apart.  Once his interest was in somebody else he lost all interest in me.  So could I have done anything else?  No, not unless I could read his mind that there was a problem. 

        Well hopefully I will be able to get out today and at least go to town.  The sun is out and maybe the day will be brighter.   Take care, Jan

        5 like

      • Generic Image leslie mosesso says

        Hey Jan, nice to hear from you- I was and still am a stay at home mom and when you are married, its great, but when your husband leaves you, buys a house up the street and moves his 30 yr old girlfriend in and is daily pushing her on my kids, being home all day is like torture.  My brain never quits thinking about them together.  I go shopping and to the gym and to lunch with my friends,I am lucky, I have a million friends that all support me so much, but I still have too much time on my hands and all I do is obsess over it and worry that he is going to bully the kids enough that they will start spending time with him and her and I will just want to die.  It is good that you work,I am sure that helps.  My husband also says that he was just never happy with me, he said he kept telling me that he needed more, I was like,my god, more of what?  We had a beautiful life and yes we fought,he was a really moody guy, but I thought we lived each other.  We both have to quit blaming ourselves for them leaving.  They hit a crisis in their life and left us for someone else, it really is that simple.  How a human being can do that to another human being,especially their wife of 24yrs and mother of their children,is beyond me.  I think that my husband actually thought the kids would be fine.  His parents got divorced and he thinks he is fine-ya right.  My boys have lost respect for him,but they have a hard time telling him because he is their dad and they love him.  Well I had a flight and tickets to the superbowl and I cancelled my trip because he threatened to try and get them over to his house while i was gone and guess what, he took his girlfriend,so they are a t the superbowl (from Pittsburgh) and I am home. At least I am with my boys.  Jan, even if we could go back and do everything they wanted,are we sure they still would have gotten the urge to leave?  Our guys just always had it in them and I think no matter what we would have done, they still would have found reason to leave.  I am so lonely and wish I would meet someone to spend time with. My friend told me yesterday that I am at rock bottom and I have to start coming up,but she has no idea how it feels to miss someone so much it hurts.  I dont think I will ever get past this if I dont get rid of my guilt. See my husband wanted to “try” to work it out toward the end and I was just so mad a nd fed up that i was not willing. By the time I came to my senses, he had met her and he told me,sorry,too late.  It just eats at me, but I know that no one put a gun to his head and he should have waited it out before cheating.  In the end, he made the choice to leave,not me. Well, I hope you got out today and remember,minute by minute, day by day, and the best revenge is to live a happy life, so we have to try, Love leslie

        6 like

      • Generic Image Jan Brown says

        Leslie,  If I didn’t work I think I would go crazy right now. For several years with the girls growing up I didn’t work.  After they got out of high school I started working and had a pretty decent job in Human Resources.  I stayed there about 7 years but the boss was just a real b^#$&^.  I stayed as long as I could, but finally got another job on campus.  I took a pretty big cut in pay, but I mentally just could not handle somebody fussing at me all the time when I did my work correctly and was always on time with my work.  Anyway, shortly after I left that job he turned 50 and I noticed right before he turned 50 that he was acting very strange and didn’t want to have a party or get together with friends.  He turned 50 in September after I had left HR in June.   In November the other woman started calling him according to phone records.  After just a few calls from her he started calling her.  That was a year and two months before he left.  I injured my back in December about the same time he started calling her.  Also, in December we started remodling our kitchen and I’m pretty sure the pictures we took to show his boss were not really shown to his boss but to her.  She had an injured back too that she had surgery for and there were other things that we had in common.  So I’m sure her first conversations with him and probably for a while were about me.  I’m pretty sure she was a preditor looking to replace her husband.  She was unhappy in her marriage.  When looking for my back issue they found a mass and had to remove it.  When they removed the mass they damaged my femoral nerve and I was sent home from the hospital with a walker. So I guess it was just a perfect storm.  I walk pretty well now, but do have a slight limp.

        Well you can’t blame yourself for not “trying” when he decided it was time.  If you had tried to work it out I’m going to say he probably would have left anyway.  I don’t know that, but it doesn’t seem like it took him long to find someone else.  And she is young.  So that says a lot to me.  He was still struggling even at that time.   I don’t know how old he is, but it sounds like he was confused and had a lot of issues too.  I think age hits some people much harder than it does others.  Some people can face realities and some people can’t. I think it was something hormonal for both of our men.

        Here is a website that describes my ex:  http://midlifeclub.com/  (I still called him my husband and had to delete that and put ex.  I hate that.)  It helped me understand.  It doesn’t change anything and it makes me wonder why us, but it at least explains things.

        I understand exactly what you mean about the lonely.  Unlike you, I had almost no friends in this town.  Not because people don’t like me, but because our life was built together and we didn’t really need friends.  Well I guess I did.  Anyway on Tuesday I have a friend flying in from Alaska and we are going to New Orleans. I’m hoping for just a few days I can put this out of my mind and enjoy my time down there.  This was my best friend in jr high and high school so our memories will be before my marriage.  If you write and I don’t respond right away as soon as I return home I will check the postings.  Take care.  I understand lonely and try to know that there are many people just like us that are lonely and going through the same thing.  Take care, Jan

        1 like

      • Generic Image leslie mosesso says

        Hey Jan, nice to hear from you- I was and still am a stay at home mom and when you are married, its great, but when your husband leaves you, buys a house up the street and moves his 30 yr old girlfriend in and is daily pushing her on my kids, being home all day is like torture.  My brain never quits thinking about them together.  I go shopping and to the gym and to lunch with my friends,I am lucky, I have a million friends that all support me so much, but I still have too much time on my hands and all I do is obsess over it and worry that he is going to bully the kids enough that they will start spending time with him and her and I will just want to die.  It is good that you work,I am sure that helps.  My husband also says that he was just never happy with me, he said he kept telling me that he needed more, I was like,my god, more of what?  We had a beautiful life and yes we fought,he was a really moody guy, but I thought we lived each other.  We both have to quit blaming ourselves for them leaving.  They hit a crisis in their life and left us for someone else, it really is that simple.  How a human being can do that to another human being,especially their wife of 24yrs and mother of their children,is beyond me.  I think that my husband actually thought the kids would be fine.  His parents got divorced and he thinks he is fine-ya right.  My boys have lost respect for him,but they have a hard time telling him because he is their dad and they love him.  Well I had a flight and tickets to the superbowl and I cancelled my trip because he threatened to try and get them over to his house while i was gone and guess what, he took his girlfriend,so they are a t the superbowl (from Pittsburgh) and I am home. At least I am with my boys.  Jan, even if we could go back and do everything they wanted,are we sure they still would have gotten the urge to leave?  Our guys just always had it in them and I think no matter what we would have done, they still would have found reason to leave.  I am so lonely and wish I would meet someone to spend time with. My friend told me yesterday that I am at rock bottom and I have to start coming up,but she has no idea how it feels to miss someone so much it hurts.  I dont think I will ever get past this if I dont get rid of my guilt. See my husband wanted to “try” to work it out toward the end and I was just so mad a nd fed up that i was not willing. By the time I came to my senses, he had met her and he told me,sorry,too late.  It just eats at me, but I know that no one put a gun to his head and he should have waited it out before cheating.  In the end, he made the choice to leave,not me. Well, I hope you got out today and remember,minute by minute, day by day, and the best revenge is to live a happy life, so we have to try, Love leslie

        2 like

      • Generic Image leslie mosesso says

        Jan, Believe me, I get it, the pain,the betrayal,the loss of my life, the loss of my hopes and dreams, the loss of my partner and friend,the loss of our family,the feeling that except for the children, my life was a total waste, building all that time up with someone you thought you would be with forever,yet, now,having to start over,should I go on?  Let me tell you girlfriend,we are sooo aloud to bitch and feel sorry for ourselves-this is honestly the most painful experience-a broken heart is for real-it really feels broken, so dont ever feel bad about feeling sorry for yourself.  Now I will say, we cant be like that all the time,we have to let it out,cry,scream and ask why, but then we have to count our blessings,because if we let them ruin the rest of our lives,then shame on us.  We have to force ourselves to do things,we have to be open to a new life.  They hurt us very deeply, but remember this always, they chose to leave in a very dishonorable way and they have to live with that,not us.  I can go to my grave with a clean slate and lets be honest, we say we still love them so much because they are gone, but what really happened is that they showed their true colors and we should not settle for that.  I am having a horrible time moving on because he is daily torturing my boys(14 and11) to come up to his new house where he lives with his nasty younger girlfriend.  my boys wont go and he makes them feel guilty-they are a mess.  Plus, I can see his house from my house-how nice for me.  We have a decent amount of money, so he takes her on all kinds of vacations and bought a new sports car and he says he is so happy.  Yet, he cries to the therapist that he is losing his boys.  Let me tell you, their deamons will get them.  We have to get up everyday,be thankful and know that good will come in time,it will Jan,be open to it.  When you start thinking about what he is doing,stop yourself-it is not worth our thoughts.  Lets keep talking-we will make it together. Leslie

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      • Generic Image leslie mosesso says

        Jan, I think that it is addiction and even more it is complete comfort that only comeswith years of being with someone.  That is what I miss the most.  Just being with him and knowing what he is thinking, just talking to him and even just a hug.  I literally get sick when I think about him and the new girl being a complete couple already.  The pain of this betrayal is unbearable, this loss of comfort is what I have to get past.  Lets face it, neither one of us wants to start over. Some people say to me that I am lucky because I can find a new love. I want to smack them- I wanted to grow old with my husband, I wanted to raise our boys together.  All I can say is that I do hope time helps me and I hope karma and guilt get to him some day.  I have to wake up everyday and care for my kids, they need me, but I am just an empty person inside. I do a great job of faking it, but waking up daily is just torture.  I am sorry for being so negative, I know you are trying to move on and I should be more positive, but I am only 6months after the move out(3months of fighting before it)and this is all still so fresh and hard for me. Thanks for responding and I do trust that god will reward us and there has to be a reason for all of this. I am a better,stronger person, I will say that. I just cant flip a switch on 24yrs of love like he did. I have a heart,he is the one who is flawed! Take care, leslie

        1 like

      • Paula Ellen Paula Ellen says

        leslieann, hang in there, girl. I read your post remembering what it was like for me two years ago when my nightmare began. I hated waking up as well. I hoped the heartache would just kill me in my sleep so I wouldn’t have to live with it anymore. I was a ghost for months. According to my soon to be un-husband, I scared away all my ‘friends.’

        Things will get better. I know you don’t believe that now. I didn’t. They get better very, very slowly. But there is a lot that will take place, a lot of pain and growth. And at first there will be many more bad days than good. But slowly that balance will change, and one day there will be more good days than bad. But there will always be bad days, no matter how far away from this you grow.

        You had a dream, and that dream is dying. It’s a terribly painful thing to watch. And the sad fact is that when  you have children together, divorce is never truly over. You can’t just move away and pretend you have a new life. You have to learn to live with all of it. Reminders everywhere, every day. But you will find strength from your children, and there will a few friends, very few, that will stick with you and try to be there for you. You will make new friends.

        One day you will meet someone who has gone through it before you, and it will be an amazing conversation. You will feel validated. Because finally, someone understands what you are going through. Little by little, you will pick up the pieces of your life and use some of them to build a new one. I agree with Jan, it all seems like a cruel joke that God has played on us. And I no longer believe that God never gives you more than you can handle. But in spite of all the horrible pain, things do get better. There truly is a light at the end of the tunnel. Read these posts here and they’ll give you strength too. many of us have survived it, and you will too. Have faith! I wish you all the strength, courage and wisdom you will need to come to terms with what has happened. Much love to you, Paula

        8 like

    • Generic Image Martha says

      I so needed to read your post.  I’ve been married for 25 years & we had problems about 10 years ago, but I thought that was over & done.  I’m not a grudge holder but apparently he is — who knew?  Anyway, he met someone going through a bad divorce & now he’s convinced she’s his new & improved soul mate.  I call it a la la land midlife crisis, but he’s moved out, but not in with her, to “get his head together” & is talking with a counselor.  I don’t know which way it will go, but I’m glad to read that moving out isn’t the end that it appears.  It’s crazy but he’s found this modern day flower child/middle aged woman & it’s like he’s reliving the free love 60′s again.  I doubt it can last, but what do I know?  He’s using his old anger at me to justify his actions.  So until that heals, there’s no way he can happily come home to me.  My guess is that if he moves in with her, he’ll find a way to barf up that bile for her too &  then wonder why that relationship has soured.  You take your baggage with you!

      2 like

  2. Generic Image Jan Brown says

    Leslie and Paula,

    I haven’t made a post in a few months and wondered how you all were doing.  It has been almost 18 months since my ex left.  I am still waiting on that light at the end of the tunnel.  I know I am somewhat better, but I am still struggling.  The crazy thing is that sometimes I feel like things are okay, not good, but okay and then out of the blue just the least little thing will trigger something and it’s just like it happened yesterday. 

    I did take someone’s advice and joined a meetup group for singles over 40.  I have met a few nice people.  We get together at a resturant eat and sometimes have drinks.  Things that I did back when I was in my 20′s.  I am still angry that I am having to go through being single again at my age.  I don’t think there is any way to prepare yourself for the single life in this day and time when you have been married as long as we were.   

    I just wondered how you all were doing and if things had gotten any better for the two of you?  I have to admit it is slightly better, but only when I keep myself busy. I get tired of working all the time and I find myself having to work harder to get a social life going than if it were a job.  I know that I will always be damaged and that I will never get over this.  I may get better, and I hope I do, but I think I will always wait for him to come back. I don’t know if I would take him back, but I still really need for him to come back and maybe just offer an explanation that makes sense.   I hope I hear from you,  Jan

    2 like

  3. Generic Image grace says

    if he was liying to you perhaps it was that you were trying to change your spouse identity and he prefers to stay away whith other person, perhaps you imagine a different person now you are watching the real person. But perhaps you want to be yourself also, and this is about something you were doing as a role, a parent, a couple but not as a man or a women with her and his real identity. If you love a man that does not love himself, he cannot accept your love anymore because he became the same self destructig men before you met him, be calm and trust yourself

    0 like

  4. Generic Image Jan Brown says

    Grace have you experience being married for 32 years and your spouse leaving you and completely changing his personality?  If you have not had this experience, you have no clue.  This man raised two daughters who are now 31 and 28.  I had to ask him if he wanted one of their pictures to take with him as we were digging out his old family photos.  This was not the man I married nor lived with for 32 years.  He hasn’t talked or seen our oldest daughter, his favorite, in over a year.  Tell me about your experience or are you trying to justify yourself leaving someone? 
    His favorite subject right now is the fact that this new woman was a basketball star in high school.  Please, if that is your biggest accomplishment in life when you are 50 years old there is something terribly wrong.  We bought him a new sports car the month he left.  Have you had this experience Grace?  Grace if you have not had this experience then please do not comment.  I too did not understand this until it happened to me.  It has nothing to do with what I did. If you read anything at all about mid-life crisis (and trust me I have read everything there is to read about this subject) you will know that nothing I did would not have changed the outcome.  I believe it is something physical (low testosteron) and instead of going to the doctor they try to fix it themselves by finding someone exciting.  So can you comment about that Grace?   Jan

    7 like

  5. Generic Image drainedofenergy says

    Hi Jan, I can really relate to what you have gone through. I was also married for 32 years. Actually with him since I was 16. It wasn’t long after we were married, me at 19, he at 23, that he began to show the weakness of his personality that he wears so proudly to this day. Immediately, his mother began meddling into our business and he could never tell her to butt out.For the first 10 years of our marriage she drove wedge after wedge between us. I pleaded with him for some protection from her but he would never defend me. I put up with his letting everyone steam roll over, himself, me and our son, but he was basically a good man who was at times emotionally distant, but I loved him. I was faithful and loyal to him for 32 years of our being together. At the age of 48 my world began imploding on me, my mother died following my dad, working for a dragonlady of a boss and feeling completely alone except for him. I suppose it was inevitable that things would fall apart. I felt so lonely. His mother still intruding between us. He later told me the he was a weak person and that he will never change. I’d be crying when he’d come home from work and he didn’t even ask what was wrong. After weeks of this I turned to a man that I had considered a friend, he made me feel alive and happy. It only lasted 2 weeks and the guilt that I felt was killing me. A couple weeks after it was over I told myself that I couldn’t live this way without telling my husband what had happened. I came clean hoping that he would see this a a terrible waring sign of what had gone wrong between us. It was my telling him and being truthful about what had happened in the hopes that he would be forgiving. I had respected him and loved him but felt such resentment and bitterness about the way our lives had turned out, I guess this may have been my way of getting back at him.
     
    Well, he was hurt, shocked and bitter, understandably. We tried to put it behind us. I tried making it up to him. We bought a different house, I bought him a motorcycle and tried to make him happy. We did this for 6 months when he disappeared for 9 months, telling me he was at his cousins in another state. In the mean time he went off on a disability on his job and I worked to keep up the house and bills.It was impossible to keep my mind on work. I did some investigating and found out that he had another woman. Make a long story short, his new woman now lives in my house, rides in my cars and is his new “keeper”. I say keeper as in he never wanted to make any decisions while we were married. He kept free of all responsibility with the exception of earning a living.

     
    Am I the only one to blame for the failure of our marriage? Seems that he got all the fruits of my labors and I did a lot for the both of us during the marriage. Now at my age, I have to try to earn a living in a bad economy. I just feel so lost and tired. It took 4 years to go through all of this and I feel that I will never be happy again. Please don’t preach to me or judge my actions if you have not been married for 30 years. When you have lived a lifetime always being the one to bow to someone without getting what you needed from your partner, then you can tell me what I could have done differently. Chances are I already tried to work things out or get the help we needed.

    3 like

    • Generic Image Jan Brown says

      Drained, 

      It is difficult for me to identify with you because I wasn’t really having difficulty with my marriage for the first 30 years.  He has never talked very much, but he was usually there for me until the last couple of years.  He did not let his mother into our lives and he was good to me.  I don’t know what happened.   Anyway I can feel your pain and you may have done everything you possibly could.  It sounds like our situation was quite different.  It doesn’t mean that mine was easier or better or more correct than yours it just means that they were different.  I think most of us that have read this chain of post are in a pain that until you’ve been there you just can’t even imagine.  It sounds like you got a tough deal at the end of the marriage.  My ex gave me everything we owned almost.  I really couldn’t have expected more so on that fact I can’t really complain.  I’m just hurt and I’m sick of hurting.  I know you understand that because there is where we have something in common.  I only wish you well.
      Jan

      2 like

    • Generic Image Martha says

      Oh that sounds so painful to have heard that crack about a 52 year old mistake.  I’m so sorry.  My husband’s a charmer too — everyone he meets loves him.  I’m more introspective, kind of a wallflower.  He was my “public face” & would introduce me to the nice people he would meet who would never have otherwise given me the time of day.  I can’t even imagine having to cobble together a social life for myself.  If we end up divorcing, he’ll stay in this town & not miss a beat socially.  If anything, he’ll add her friends & really have a huge circle.  I’ll move back where my family is from &, well, I don’t know.  What a huge shock I’m still living in.  Day by day I guess.

      2 like

  6. Generic Image Esmarie says

    Good Day all.

    After 20 years of marriage I found out that my husband was having an affair with a woman at his work and that it has been going on for a while. I decided to save my marriage and for the next 4 weeks I bent over for this man, trying to make everything ok in and around him, even though it was not me having done something wrong.

    Then after 4 weeks when I took him some food at work he told me that he does not love me anymore, haven’t loved me for a long time and left moving in with this other woman the same day.

    We have two boys 18 and 14 and up to know, two weeks later has had no contact with them. It was left up to me to explain what the reasons was that he did not came home anymore.

    I have tried to talk to him and even told him that I still love him and is still prepared to make this marriage work if their is hope.

    However the cruel manner of speaking to me, he way that he looks at me with such contempt, hatred and disgust is so overwhelming. I find myself thinking that the roles is reversed. Shouldn’t he be pleading and I be angry, what the hell is wrong with me.

    According to him there is no hope, he wants a divorce and is staying with the other woman.

    His boys is heartbroken and does not want anything to do with their dad. He WANTS to see them and even told me that I will make them see him, I will not.

    When he left he gave up the right to order my kids around.

    I still love this man and gave him every opportunity to sort out his problem, so why is he looking and speaking to me with such hatred.

    I am really lost. I read all the other posts and it is as if I wrote it myself. But currently I do not know what to do.
    I is true, it feels as if the sadness is going to kill you but I have to go on for my kids.

    3 like

  7. Generic Image Martha says

    I just thought I’d update.  My husband moved in with the other woman in April, the same day he filed for divorce.  We still have our Mom & Pop business together & that’s pretty awful.  I don’t have to see him every day because of the division of labor and computers, but I see him enough that neither of us is happy.  I’m still hoping that something miraculous happens and he comes to his senses before the divorce is final or before we sell the house.  My lawyer is working at dragging the proceedings out on the off chance things fall apart over there.  I don’t want to leave my home of 15 years, so I’m having it written into the agreement that we won’t put it on the market for 2 years — and even then I’m hoping I can buy him out and stay.  Our gardens were in a national magazine a few years ago — I poured my soul into this place!  My plants are my kids!
    My emotional state is still fragile.  My inner pendulum swings from “I can do this” to suicidal panic attacks.  I have supportive friends and family, so at least there’s usually someone to call when my heart feels especially broken.  I still can’t believe this is happening/has happened.  It seems that the shock is worse than the actual betrayal.
    I’ll let y’all know how it goes.  So sad.  So very very sad that he had a midlife crisis at 64 & did a 180* on me.  Never saw it coming.  I hope this summer something good will come for me.

    2 like

    • Generic Image dabenson111 says

      Hello Martha and to anyone else reading this. It has been a while since the last post, but thought I would bring it to life again.

      I too am very recently dealing my husband of 18 years, deciding to end it by filing for a divorce. This was not a huge surprise as we have been having some issues the past few years, but really nothing that could not be fixed. He has always been a great husband… we never cheated on each other. However, it appears that he sank into some sort of depression that I cannot seem to help. He is not interested in seeking therapy… 

      I am completely devastated and my heart is broken beyond belief. I read these posts and it seems these stories just repeat themselves, all too common. I hurt for anyone that is going through this. I feel so completely empty as I have surrounded myself with him, he was (and still is) my everything. He says he still loves me, but is very empty inside. We use to be so well bonded and the “couple that everyone wants to be”… now to this. I truly believe that he is not cheating, rather he is going through some sort of mid-life crisis. Feeling older, not as accomplished as he would like to have been and certainly not financially where he wants to be.

      If anyone is reading this and has dealt with this, please help me in an offer of how to deal with this pain and hurt. We are still in the same home and while we still talk, eat together, the pain is still there, I cry myself to sleep as I know that day I will need to actually leave is quickly approaching, and I will not know how to deal with it. I think I may actually die of a broken heart! Any advice from anyone that has gone through this as can share any insight on how to cope with this loss would be appreciated.

      1 like

      • Lovey Lovey says

        Hello Dabenson111,

        So sorry to hear your story.  The mid-life crisis is a real problem which we are seeing more of all the time.  Men are delicate creatures — they just don’t know it.  
        I have not gone through a divorce myself, but have witnessed several mid-life break-ups amongst friends in recent years.  The men just changed drastically in a short period of time, and divorce was close behind.

        You said your husband is depressed but not interested in seeking therapy.  Would he be willing to go for a medical evaluation from a doctor or naturopath?
        I think Jan was on the right track a few posts back when she said testosterone levels were part of the problem.  In middle-age, testosterone levels plummet in men and can cause problems both physically and emotionally.  If the imbalance is corrected they often recover their attitude as well as their health.  There are a few posts on this website referring to Male Menopause or Andropause which you might get some insight from.  It may not change anything, but sometimes it helps to at least know what happened.

        I wish you and all the other ladies here the very best as you move forward.  Stay strong and take care of yourselves.  

        1 like

  8. Generic Image Jan Brown says

    I feel for everyone of you ladies.  It’s been almost 4 years now since my husband came home one day, told me he was having an affair and moved in with the other woman.  I was shocked.  4 years later he has gotten some better, but I do understand the feeling that it hurts so bad you think you might actually die from a broken heart. 

    I’m glad to see all of the comments now are certainly much nicer.  Once when I was commenting I felt attacked and many of the women on here just told me I needed to think more positive and it will happen.  I thought then they were crazy and I still think they are. I think women who have been dumped after several years (for me it was 32) never get over it.  I’m here to tell you that you will survive, but it will always be there nagging at you.  Life as you once saw it is over.  It’s like a light switch is there and somebody flips the switch and the man has just changed completely.  A man that was kind for many years is the most mean and hateful man you can imagine. You don’t even recognize him as being the same man.  I don’t know what happens in their minds. 

    I was not a religous person before this, but I have found more recently that if you can actually turn this over to God it helps.  I don’t know how to explain it really.  Just know that everything happens for a reason.  I don’t know why and no, it does not make sense to me that this would happen.  And I’m not trying to tell you it’s easy because it’s not.  But there is a reason and you really do have to trust in God that things will work out for you.  It has taken me almost the entire four years to learn this, but it does help.  There is something good out there for you and trust that he will give it to you when the time is right.  If I don’t have this faith, I got nothing.  Good luck to you all and may God bless each and every one of you.  Jan

    3 like

  9. Generic Image Martha says

    Jan: I agree with you that faith is so important to getting through the betrayal and insanity.  My husband ditched me a year ago this week and it’s still just a horrendous loss.  Best friend turned vindictive, cheating monster.  All I have is me and faith that there’s Something Greater than Me to see me through to my next phase of life.
    A couple of weeks ago I was driving to an appointment, trying not to cry over a song on the radio & I “asked for help”.  As I turned the corner onto Main St., the traffic was stopped.  A few people were standing on the side of the road with their dogs on leashes.  No one was going anywhere, though I couldn’t see the cause of the problem.  I looked in my rearview mirror & noticed a car doing a 3-point turn.  I did also & followed her up, over, and around the jam, on streets I’d never been on, a way that I never would have found on my own.  We ended up back on Main St. — easily, effortlessly guided around the obstacle & I got to my appt on time.  That’s how I view my faith.  Something — some Force, will guide me up, over, and around this mess and I’ll be led on my way to a new place.  Magical thinking?  Whatever — it helps slow my breathing, eases panic, and gives me a positive focus.  My new mantra is “up, over, and around the jam — somehow it will work out & I’ll be guided around it.”  Good luck and blessings to you & all of the others in this boat too.  :-)   Martha

    6 like

  10. Generic Image kat58 says

    Wow, after reading all these posts, it is almost like all these men (including my soon-to-be ex-husband), are made from the same cookie cutter mold.  I can’t believe how similar our situations are, and how completely devastated and alone I feel, yet sometimes also swing the other way, and feel empowered and like some kind of shackles have fallen off, and that I am in the process of finding a real person inside me, one that has her own thoughts, needs, and joy.  And I agree with Jan, somehow the only way I am getting through this is through faith in a higher power.  Like her, I’m not really sure how it works, since I have never been a church goer, but have always believed in God.  Maybe He just wants us to be in contact with Him on a daily basis, and daily is when I suffer, but am still mostly trying to do this on my own, which obviously is not working.  Like a switch has gone off, and I am suddenly on the other side, looking back at my previous life, and knowing there is no going back to it, and not having any idea how to keep going.  I love my kids, and even have a new grandson to love, but there is a hollow in my heart, one that I didn
    t even know was filled until it became empty.  Thanks for this site, it is helping me to know there are at least many of us out there, and there must be some reason we are all going through such pain.

    4 like

    • Generic Image Jan Brown says

      Yes, kat58 there seems to be hundreds and probably thousands of us in the same situation.  I don’t know what causes it.  I actually think it’s a condition.  I’m not saying these men are not to blame because at some point they knew what they were doing was wrong.  They will not admit there is a problem.  But I think it’s brought on by age. All men over 50 think they look younger than their age. Women, however seem to be able to see themselves realistically if not more critically. This was not something I ever realized as a married woman.

      My heart goes out to you if you are just beginning this journey.  Take care of yourself.  Many friends and relatives can advise you, but only you know what’s best for you.  Take care.

      2 like

      • Generic Image kat58 says

        Thanks Jan.  I am suppossed to be getting ready for work, but can’t help logging on to this site everyday now, it has been a godsend.  By realizing there are so many of us out there, I realize this is something that happens to alot of people, men and women alike, (my sister left her husband by lying and cheating on him as well).  I am slowly accepting the situation, and that is what it is, a new situation in my life, which I need to learn how to navigate, just as being newly married was a new situation, and having babies was a new situation.  There is more to life than thinking I need to be under the control of another person.  Thanks everybody for your input, and thanks for no snarky comments, like “this is all your fault”, or “you reap what you sow, sister”, like you find on some other sites.

        2 like

      • Generic Image kat58 says

        Jan, you sound like a caring, loving person, and I am sorry to see you having so much trouble losing the pain your husband has caused you.  But I also hope you realize you have good things to give to other people, your caring soul helps other people in their troubles.  Have comfort in that.  I know your posts have helped me alot already, so thank-you!

        1 like

    • Generic Image EDITH55 says

      Hello to all of you who have shared your experiences. I have been married for 26 years (tomorrow!) My husband left about six weeks ago,we have been having a strange time for about two years, he has texted other women during that time, we made up, tried again several times, but now I realise he has been mentally absent for ages, just pretending to have a life with me.When he left he said we just ‘weren’t making each other happy any more’ but I now found out that he has started seeing someone else,(who he has been texting for months I found out after he left) although he maintains she is not the reason we have split up.Whatever……………think she has had an effect though!!
      I am in agony daily, but also angry and sooo hurt sometimes I can hardly breathe. These posts have made me think about how much he changed since turning 50 four years ago, he became so self obsessed, trying to stay young looking, watching his weight. He is good looking, but seemed to crave attention from other women more and more. Low testosterone is a thought too, because he has not been great sexually during this time either. 
      Anyway, its so sad when the man you have been with through thick and thin, health stuff , he had throat cancer and got over that (think it had a big effect on the ‘needing to be happy’ stuff) Ups and downs of money, three grown up children, and a LIFE. He always said we were a great ‘TEAM’ yet all that has been forgotten in his haste to make for the exit. He has changed so much, his eyes look like empty holes now, I think he is depressed but wouldn’t recognize it. I do still love him, but he has been so deceitful , lying, cruel, he has broken my heart.
      One of the hardest blows has been how seamlessly he has moved on with this other woman, who has left her husband (he threw her out) their relationship is moving at warp speed cos they have been almost thrown into the same lifeboat. I really dont think he is ready to be with her full on, maybe I am kidding myself? But the fact that I am imagining them together right now is torture, true vile pain
      Its early days for me, but what I read here sounds so familiar I wish I had looked into Midlife crisis symptoms sooner, of course I thought of it, but maybe I could have made it work, or made him get help. 
      Your posts really help, all thoughts gratefully received x

      2 like

      • Generic Image Martha says

        Keep breathing Edith — and get yourself a good lawyer.  Find out what your rights are.  And make sure you protect yourself financially TOMORROW.  Don’t give him the opportunity to leave you with an empty bank account in addition to an empty home.  Rely on your friends and family for support.  And get counseling if you need to.  Be strong.  And know that YOU aren’t the problem.  There was nothing you could do to fix the hole in him and the hole in his values.  Have faith that you’ll get through this.
        We would have celebrated our 25th last week.  I was his THIRD wife.  It’s been a bit over a year for me since he left — not for her, of course, but because he needed “something more”.  It’s like they’re possessed — the love, the empathy, the caring just gets sucked out of them.  It’s still really hard to believe it, let alone make peace with it all.
        Best of luck to you as you navigate this awful terrain — and I hope the road ahead is smooth for you.
        Martha

        3 like

      • Generic Image Jan Brown says

        Edith,
        My heart goes out to you.  Everytime I read one of these post that it has happened yet again just makes me physically sick.  I don’t know what happens to them, but I think it is something physical.  My ex is not the man that I was married to.  It’s like he is a different person and is mean and uncaring.  My daughters that are grown do not even have a relationship with him.  The oldest it’s her choice, the youngest, it’s his choice. I cannot imagine daughter putting them all the way through school, they both have great jobs and are succesfull and he completely has abandoned them.  It so difficult to take.  It’s been almost 4 years for me and I can say that it does get easier, but for the most part I still do a whole lot of crying and it is on my mind almost every single day.  Good luck to you and know that you are in my thoughts and prayers right now.  I hope it gets easier for you each day. 

        Jan

        1 like

  11. Generic Image Jan Brown says

    I guess I would like to know, just what happens to them that they go nuts and have such a huge personality change?

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  12. Generic Image Jan Brown says

    Anonymous, this really sounds like an advertisement for this person to me.  I notice that you are “anonymous” and that number is not a U.S. number.  I hope that others will beware of your post.
    I appreciate your help, however I don’t think a four year marriage has the same problems as a 32 year marriage.  I understand those early years of getting to know each other. 
    Also, it is against my beliefs to believe in earthly prophets.  Thank you again for your comment and best of luck to you.
    Jan

    1 like

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