I have a 19 year old son. He has been out of high school for more than a year. During this time he has only done odd jobs. He sleeps until noon or later. No amount of nagging gets through to him. I have tried being nice, firm, tough. I even had him sit down and work out my budget. Showed him my expenses and revenue and I can’t pay all of my bills. I raised three kids, he is the only one at home. His child support ran out when he turned 19 and I need to make up this money. I have a choice, I can either get him to pay rent, or move out to a much smaller place so I can afford my bills. He does not seem to care .He says all his freinds parents let them do what they want. They buy them cars, I know this to be true. I am a struggling single Mom (not a victim) his freinds parents all have partners or are married and they are very well off, live in large houses etc. We live in a one level suite but the town I live in has very expensive rents. Everyone tells me to kick him out, but I can’t pick him up and throw him out. He is 6″ 1″ and over 200 pounds. He plays sports and that is all he wants to do. He says he wants to be a professional athlete and I should support his dream. He does not go to the gym everyday either, just hangs out goes to practices and plays his games on the weekends. I think he is stuck or depressed as he is not sure what he wants to be. But, time is ticking and I told him I am not helping him by allowing him to do nothing. He just ignores me. Ultimatums don’t work with himj, he just digs his heels in harder. I am thinking of moving out to a 1 bedroom and telling him I won’t have room for him. I know he will just think I am kidding….He is not getting it…. Help!!!!!
| how to get son to pay rent or move | Most Liked Hot Conversation |
September 24, 2012
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Permalink: http://www.vibrantnation.com/family-relationships/how-to-get-son-to-pay-rent-or-move-2/
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Be honest, talk to your husband.
mswings - thank you so much for posting this - it gives me hope for my future. I'm still in the midst of mourning my marriage and even after 14 months I wake up and the first thing on my mind is HIM! I have just started talking with a counselor and
The red flags are telling you to RUN!!!!!!!! The other way of course. This guy is not right, please listen to the advice given....
Major red flags here: Dad treated you disrespectfully and now son does the same.
I’d sit him down and give him an earful. “Son, your dad treated me like (whatever), and now he’s gone. He lost out on a lifetime with you b/c he couldn’t step up and be a good dad and father.” NOTE: no man can be a good dad while he’s cheating, I don’t care how kind he may be to kid. Good dads do not cheat on the mom. Period. “And now, son, you seem to be walking in his footsteps. Hear me: I got rid of him and I’ll get rid of you b/c no matter how much you say you love me, your actions are telling me that you don’t. PERIOD. We do not treat loved ones as you are treating me. You are trespassing on MY love for YOU, and I’m done with it. So, pack up, because you’ll be going to live with your father on (x date). You’ve already been dumped by one girl b/c you are rapidly turning into a loser. Unless you make some big changes , no woman worth having will have you. Because I love you, I am giving you an opportunity to step up and become a better man than your dad. Pack up, and I hope you learn your lesson.”
It’s tough love, I know, but his behaviour has similarities to that of inadequate men who have little-to-no money, a below-par living arrangement, and a string of kids they’re not supporting by women they don’t love. I know you want better for him than this.
I say this with compassion: your sees you as a weak person. You talk till you’re blue in the face, perhaps you lay down the law, but he skates by. He is learning that he can ‘manage’ women in this way and he has to unlearn it as fast as possible or face a lifetime of unsatisfying relationships and loneliness. You are the only one who can teach him that women will not tolerate this kind of behaviour – by refusing to tolerate it.
Your son has not taken the two-month ultimatum to heart by continuing to see this young woman. You are justified in saying that all bets are off and sending him to dad at your convenience. I’d do it, personally. Much luck to you!
Military is a good choice, too. So he has a lot of options – living with his dad, bunking with friends, or joining the military. Because he DOES have choices, you can relax even while you demand that he leaves.
Just saw your reply. Good for you in pushing back. Keep pushing and packing and best of luck to you!
Yes this is true but I left the ex when my son was still in diapers and he has not had much to do with his father over the years, not his choice.
I have had counselling and taken parenting courses and other courses as I was in an abusive relationship. I have been a fairly strict hands on parent. I kept them away from thier father in the early years as his behaviour towards me was totally disrespectful so a no contact order was in place for a while.
This is new behaviour for him so he is trying it on. Maybe a way to get back at me for pushing him out the door who knows. Up until now we have had a great relationship and I go to his weekly practices with him and to all his games. He has been a respectful son but it’s clear this is changing.
He is not happy about having to make his own dinner, do his laundry, not have a phone etc. He doesn’t complain much so maybe he is trying to get back a me.
Don’t think I don’t see the red flags, I do and am doing something about it.
I have a 30 year old son who has moved in and out for the past 3 years. He moved in with his girlfriend who has 6 children ranging in age 7 to 18. He can’t afford his new family. They get put out for not paying rent. He uses me to pay the rent. He’s not responsibe and the girlfriend is not responsible. His dad died when he was 8 years old. I raised him trying not to spoil him, but he still got away with a lot. He has held down a job for 10 years, but he won’t pay his bills. He barely does the basis things. I’m retired now and have some health issues. I’ve been hard, firm and soft, but he uses me. He is the only child. I gave him 6 months to get it together beginning this year. I feel guilty for saying no to things. Am I just crazy? I raised him to be responsibe, a productive citizen, to be a man of integrity. We were never put out or was hungry. I thought I set some good examples even though I wasn’t perfect. I feel He’s sitting around waiting for me to die.
Ah Ruby, I can relate to this but my son is five years older. He has always had a job to be fair but he just does not GET it about money. He thinks he can live in the style in which he was raised while making much less money and supporting a wife. So he falls short and then comes trotting home to the old folks. We both had well paying jobs and paid into our pension funds so I know he thinks we are sitting pretty and should share the bounty. And we have but times are getting tougher, bills are getting higher and the pensions are fixed.
We have given him an ultimatum. We will see him clear of all debt one last time but that is it. He is then on his own. And we have made him sign an agreement stating just that. This next generation often does indeed seem to think they are entitled but times have changed. As far as I can see, they are back to when we were being raised and we were raised poor! They do not do ‘poor’ well but they need to learn.
Thanks for the comforting words, they are so true. I gonna look at having him sign a contract or an agreement. That might make him
take me serious. Lol.
Well I have come somewhere anyway. I have moved to a one bedroom apartment. My son told me there is no way that he will pay rent. That was back then when we lived in a house and he had his own room.
I said ok then, so I am going to move to a one bed apartment and you can move out. He said why should he pay rent when he doesn’t get all the perks, privacy etc. He doesn’t get that with perks come bills. tee…hee
So, I actually moved. He now has a job but sleeps on a bed sofa in the living room. He has agreed to pay for the food, makes him feel better then paying rent. If he doesn’t, I will buy no food at all…..zero. He will get it. But he did agree so we will see how it goes. Once he gets a few pay cheques under his belt he will move. He has to save up the damage deposit etc. He is so happy about his job, he just loves it. This is a kid that slept most of the day. On boxing day he got up at 4am to go to work. So cool!
You have to play tricky with some of these kids, and I did it.
Feels so much better than feeling trapped.
I need to be strong like you. Say what I mean and mean what I say.
I also have a 28 year old son who was addicted to drugs from the age of 17. He is so used to me doing things for him, bailing him out. I got into the pattern as I wanted to save him from dying. Now that he is clean he still expects me to bail him out and he makes double what I make. Just can’t control his spending.
So this holiday season I set him straight. I told him no more loans, no more pick ups, rides, bailing out etc. Also told him I only want to see him once a week and that will be at a coffee shop where we both pay for our own coffee. He cannot come to my place and bum food whatever. He was so mad I thought he was going to go crazy. He yelled, and screamed and told me I was selfish, etc. etc. basically had a two year old temper tantrum. He didn’t speak to me for two weeks which was find by me. He learned though and is now very respectful, he calls and asks if he can come over. Sometimes I say yes, and sometimes no.
I told him if he ever talks to me like that again he can stay away for a month.
There is a saying “we teach people how to treat us”
No more for me, I’m getting too old for this kind of stuff. He can be respectful or stay away, hard as it may be. I don’t want him to treat his girlfriend like he treats me. It’s a little late but he is getting it. Better late than never.
Bless your heart, Kate, that couldn’t have been easy. How wonderful that the sons are coming around. You make a good point for us moms – if we tolerate it, they’ll treat their GFs/wives the same and their relationships will be unhappy ones.