Were you in a marriage where your husband has turned into a phsyical and verbal abuser, caused you a nervous breakdown, and yet, through it all, you still felt uncontrollably very much in love with that demonic husband and you felt damned if you’re with him and damned if without, that you had to file for the divorce yourself to avoid killing him or killing yourself? Worse, the divorce left you feeling you lost everything, because that was how he meant to you.
Coming out of this marriage with this kind of baggage, how do stop loving him and how do you pick up the pieces to start all over again? How could you really effectively teach yourself to stop being in love with a monster and start being a normal happy person again, with or without another man. I guess learning to trust another man would follow later.
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Sounds very interesting.
Hi toughcookie: Just your name makes me think that you’ll get through this and you’ll be better when it’s all over. The sad part is that you have to go “through” it you can’t go “around” it. I don’t know where you are in the process of getting through this, but under all circumstances, it just takes time. But time alone is not enough. Arm yourself with a complete understanding and knowledge of a toxic sociopath. Knowledge is power and it keeps you from picking another man that is just like him. For some reason we continue to repeat our choices . . . maybe because it’s comfortable. So learn lots about these type men. There are some great books on the subject of controlling people. Find a great therapist or counselor that can help you change your own self concept so you’ll stop needing men like this. In changing your own basic core values and opinions of you, you’ll change how you feel about this man. Toxic men love to make you feel sorry for them and somehow make you feel like it’s your fault. Some women mistake the feeling of pity for these men as love and it’s really just an addiction to their charismatic personality. While we are adoring them, they are destroying us. Eventually you’ll be completely sure of who you are and trusting yourself that trusting another man will come. Please get some professional help and read lots. And don’t forget to ask God for help. Good luck and bunches of hugs to you.
I totally agree. Good counselling and reading will help. You have to think of it as investing in yourself all the energy you used to pour into him. The formula can be simply expressed, although it is far from simple to do, which is: heal yourself, love yourself, learn to set and honour your boundaries and believe in your own worth.
Lisa, thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words. Gee, I feel really good hearing from each of you on this post.
Dynamomma, I could not believe how well you nailed the situation as if you were in my shoes. Thank you so much for your time and energy into this, as reflected in your response. Awesome!
And yes, I have sought God, thank you for the reinforcement.
Dear Tough Cookie, I was in your spot almost six years ago and my heart goes out to you. Dynamomma is right. It takes time. It takes a long time, I think. I was with my husband for 25 years and had no idea my marriage was going to end. I was absolutely stunned. I felt desolate and like I had done something very wrong. The first year just about killed me and I spent most of it wishing a bus or something would just run me over. But here I am today and I feel great– most days. I have built a life that is richer as a single person than as a married one. I am raising my daughter alone with only financial support from her Dad. (I am grateful to him for that.) My divorce was a gift because it forced me on an interior journey that I probably would not have taken otherwise. I had to look deep within myself and figure out who I was and who I wanted to become. If you saw the movie “It’s Complicated,” Meryl Streep has one very wise scene with Steve Martin when they are talking about recovery after divorce. She said it took her five years before she felt like herself again. That was an “Aha” moment for me. It was only this past Christmas, the fifth anniversary of my marriage ending, that I truly felt right again. Be patient with yourself and feel what you need to feel. You will be fine in time. I wish you an abundance of blessings on your journey.
Dear Mebutter, thank for your sharing your very intimate pain and struggles. I did decide to end the marriage for which he didn’t expect, and vowed to never forgive me for the rest of his life, since he claimed he never thought of it, as opposed to my thinking about it and acting on it. I was dying in all aspects of my life during my marriage.
I am glad and encouraged by your testimony of restoration of self. I need to do more introspection, I mostly did not want to delve in it to avoid confornting the pain. I could not watch movies with marital issues, too painful and too close to home. I think I have lived in denial, and threw myself into work and endless hobbies.
Maybe, it is about time, now that I have reached the point to open and look at my wounds.
Thank you very much for your boldness to revisit your own pain to encourage me.
All the women who’ve responded are right. The only place where I deviate is from mebutter’s “gratitude” for the child support. I wonder if the electric company is grateful when he sends his payment. Yeah, yeah, I know that most men don’t pay. That still doesn’t make those who do into saints. They are simply paying their bills.
As for how you do it: one day at a time, like any other addiction. Because what we all felt wasn’t love. Love isn’t about abuse, violence, anger, diminishing another person, fear, and loneliness. Love is being who you truly are, with a partner who is a whole person as well, who walks with you, trusts you, and makes a life with you. I’ll bet your mom was a narcissist. Most of us were trained from infancy to accept abuse, to believe we were unworthy, to seek out men who treated us as WE BELIEVED WE DESERVED.
So here’s the thing: get out a sticky note. Write “You are perfect exactly as you are” and put it on your bathroom mirror. Read it aloud every morning, every time you see it. It won’t make the ceiling fall or the mirror break, I promise. It’ll get easier, you’ll start to believe it, and you’ll start to recover.
Get counseling. Read everything. I lived with a copy of “Women Who Love Too Much” within arm’s reach for years.
And I’m fine. We all get over it, we all move on into fabulous, wonderful, free lives. It’s not easy, but it IS up to us, so it’s doable. Left up to the men we finally left, it would never, ever happen.
I got a divorce after 31 years of verbal and physical abuse. I hated him for what he did. The last thing I wanted was a divorce….abandoment issues, but I knew I had to do it…yes, get counseling, read everything you can on healing, write, do the things that make you happy (even though you don’t feel that way).
I didn’t and won’t get over it (I hate that term), BUT I have made something of my life; I feel driven to make a difference. I won a scholarship because of what I wrote about my life and am in school at 63, I am the moderator of an abused survivors’ group, and have been on the radio 3 times speaking about verbal abuse. The book that saved my life: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. Hugs and Love, Alicia
http://www.soulpoetry.org is my site for my book Sanctuary of the Soul….I wrote about the journey. Perhaps you would write things down, and years from now, look back in amazement at how far you have come. Be gentle and kind to yourself.
Alicia, I am humbled by what you went through and your bravery to come out of it and turn things around by being an avid and vocal advocate of abused women. My hat’s off to you. Thank you for sharing with me that you “didn’t and won’t get over it.” I was afraid that something was wrong with me for the prolonged sense of injustice I’ve experienced in the hands of my ex. Rest assured that I did not take his abuse sitting down, I fought in every manner I knew possible, though many times, I tried to give in for the sake of peace and respite from all the stress.
Like you, I married at a very tender age, and like you, I turned my anger and sense of injustice to work for women’s rights in a third world country, but I have since left when my financial situation required full time attention. Like you, I have plans of going back to school, I still am working towards it, for the luxury of time to dedicate to school, even online, is quite a challenge right now.
I will check your site after this.
Thank you for your advice and encouragement. Keep up the good work. There are so many of us out there.
YOu really got to the nitty gritty of this one — it’s about us – isn’t it??? If one believes abuse of any kind is love — we are going to get it. Women who love too much is fabulous. Also the Road Less Travelled that defined loving as wanting the very best for your partner. We soak stuff up as kids and if we watched our mother being abused — we copy that as normal. Ugly but true. That’s why so many women leave safe houses and go back to the abuser. Mind is wonderful, we have to learn how to use it.
You haven’t lost ‘everything’ — you still have yourself!!
You will stop loving him and wanting to pick up the pieces when you love yourself (and your 3-year old) more.
You might ask yourself if you would allow this abuse to a 3 year old — then look inside at your 3 year old Self and promise her you will never let him treat you so badly ever again. She only has you to protect her. Love her, respect her and keep her out of his clutches — no matter what he calls it.
Not being a know-it-all-poopface – but — learning to trust another man somewhere down the line will happen when you learn how to trust yourself. Good luck!!! How long will that take?? The Brits would ask you – ‘how long is a piece of string?’
( Soul Sister)That book Women Who DO To Much is on my night stand I have a small copy in my. purse.
You know the first thing I really believe we as women need to know is we must really love ourselves ….our insides first and the rest will follow. God advice Kgramma.
Fayette, thanks! I will look up all the books suggested here, after all, they come with high recommendations from those who benefited from it. Thank you for having done the checking out for me.
Yes, I do love myself, even when I was in a situation to be somebody else I was not. I think the introspection is the most difficult part, confronting my own pain and all the negative emotions that resulted from an abusive relationship. But this, I realized, I must. Guess, now I am a little stronger, and with all of you with me on this, I am going to do my best.
Thank you, sistah!
KGrandma, thank you for your insights, I truly appreciate your encouragement and advice. Funny though, that I was raised by very supportive parents, both professionals and fulfilled n their own rights. My mom was so supportive, almost to a fault of being too consenting, but she did not approve of him, due to regional prejudice, that the region where my ex came from, the men were known to be abusive to wives. I married him anyway, and my mom was right, unfortunately for me. He did turn out to be good in-law to my family, though he did not turn out to be a good husband.
On the contrary, I was raised in a home imbued with respect and learned to value respect of self, from others and of others. My dad further taught me to respect others by also being sensitive to their sensitivities, of which he might have found missing in me during my tender years. Both my mom and dad were respectful to each other, and both were demonstrative of their love for each of us.
My ex was a loving and good father and I bore the injsutices to provide, what I hoped, a home with two parents for my children, jsut like mine, until I could not take it anymore. I could not fault him in that area, other than by being an unfaithful and a husband, and as such, he destroyed the very foundations on which our family stands on. And I have to second guess him all the time to ensure peace in the home, yes I have lost my identity and I rebelled against that when I realized I was losing what made me unique, and not a robot or automaton to satisfy his ideas of what his wife should be, as opposed to why he fell in love with me int he first place because of what and who I was. I did horribly miss the old me. The old me was attractive, fun loving, happy, smart, independent thinker, self-relaiant, and self-made. He chased me, and married me because of these, and wanted to destroy the very qualities he was attracted to due to the constant fear that there were always others who would want me and he would lose me for the other men who wanted me he felt were better than him. I did have a string of suitors before I agreed to marry him. He trasnferred his sense of inadequacies and insufficiencies unto me, by making me feel less and lacking. He also engaged in guilt transfer, by accusing me of infidelity, while he was the one out there trying to make himself feel better in the arms of women without self-respect. It is only now I realized that he must feel so insecure, I have to be less than what I was for him to deserve me.
No matter how late, I will gather the nerve and courage to get some counseling and read up on books on healing.
Thank you.
KGrandma, thank you for your insights, I truly appreciate your encouragement and advice. Funny though, that I was raised by very supportive parents, both professionals and fulfilled n their own rights. My mom was so supportive, almost to a fault of being too consenting, but she did not approve of him, due to regional prejudice, that the region where my ex came from, the men were known to be abusive to wives. I married him anyway, and my mom was right, unfortunately for me. He did turn out to be good in-law to my family, though he did not turn out to be a good husband.
On the contrary, I was raised in a home imbued with respect and learned to value respect of self, from others and of others. My dad further taught me to respect others by also being sensitive to their sensitivities, of which he might have found missing in me during my tender years. Both my mom and dad were respectful and loving to each other, and both were demonstrative of their love for each of us.
My ex was a loving and good father and I bore the injsutices to provide, what I hoped, a home with two parents for my children, jsut like mine, until I could not take it anymore. I could not fault him in that area, other than by being an unfaithful and a husband, and as such, he destroyed the very foundations on which our family stands on. And I have to second guess him all the time to ensure peace in the home, yes I have lost my identity and I rebelled against that when I realized I was losing what made me unique, and not a robot or automaton to satisfy his ideas of what his wife should be, as opposed to why he fell in love with me int he first place because of what and who I was. I did horribly miss the old me. The old me was attractive, fun loving, happy, smart, independent thinker, self-relaiant, and self-made. He chased me, and married me because of these, and wanted to destroy the very qualities he was attracted to due to the constant fear that there were always others who would want me and he would lose me for the other men who wanted me he felt were better than him. I did have a string of suitors before I agreed to marry him. He trasnferred his sense of inadequacies and insufficiencies unto me, by making me feel less and lacking. He also engaged in guilt transfer, by accusing me of infidelity, while he was the one out there trying to make himself feel better in the arms of women without self-respect. It is only now I realized that he must feel so insecure, I have to be less than what I was for him to deserve me. He did not realize that I chose him because I admired the qualities and intelligence I saw in him, that I thought we would have fun and intelligent discussions long after the bed has ended as an active arena of loving expression.
No matter how late, I will gather the nerve and courage to confront my wounds and pains and get some counseling and read up on books on healing. And yes, a major factor to my deciding to divorce him was my respect of self and belief that I deserved much better in life.
This is the first time I feel comfortable opening up. My anonimity helps a lot too. Thank you very much!
Toughcookie …as a kid I had the nickname cookie and I was tough enough and you are definitely tough enough to get past this in flying colors it will make his head swim to see what he lost …YOU...
not you because you will see what you gain . YOURSELF
You don’t have to stop loving him ..but start loving yourself and that is when you will be able to see improvement in your blessing to be free ..yes there are blessing in being free. I use to wonder why women who became widows most of them flourished after the death of their spouse…I understand as a marriage get older if you are not a strong woman and cannot hold your own ,men will dominate you because as they get pyhsically weaker and lose some of their vitality and unlike women they basically don’t read and study the changes in their lives so they go around being miserable and making their wives miserable…some men Will use women as their ‘punching bag ” to get rid of frustrations on the job and in their personal souls…I started out in my marriage very early observing the things that I did not like and voiced my opinion and made my stand…and really have a good husband .but he is a man and every once in a while we have to get some issues straight ..after 42 years of a good marriage I still let him know” Even if I Become in a wheel chair I will roll away ” (lol) if I feel I am not being treated with love and respect…
You made the best move to free you self now enjoy your freedom …there are great books to help with My issue you might have this site is a great one for therapy as so may of us have been or is married my mother use to tell me that if you put all men in a croak-er sack and threw them out they would nearly all land the same way!! I didn’t really believe then her… but even the best are still men
Pamper yourself, give out love where it is appreciated, look for someone that you can bring happiness to , sometimes volunteering makes you appreciate your blessing more by seeing what could be the issues in your life .
Lots of support much love and enjoy the freedom to be you and love you …and love will be returned.
Don’t waste a day on hate it will be a day lost (AF).
Dear Fayette, I am happy for you, for one, you knew how to make your stand, and for another, you got yourself a good husband. Yes, many women do flourish after their spouses moved on. I have also noticed among many older couples, that the one left behind just wither away and die shortly after the spouse has moved on.
I am moved by your kind support and encouragement. Yes, I am experience blessings in being free, and I still have to learn how to fully appreciate and enjoy freedom. As I’ve mentioned in my posts above, I will read up on healing books. I thank you for your insights, kind words, and love, and good wishes for me.
I can hardly wait to see your Post of how you made it through…I know it has to be hard ..but you got a inner fire that just needs to be re-kindled and you will be good to go.. I often wonder why women have to take so much “stuff” ..and it makes me believe that GOD has to be more woman than man..because only GOD would know that we have the skills to survive so much to just keep our heads above “the proverbial waters” and save the rest from drowning at the same time( AF)
As for those who “wither away” either they were so much in love as one or they were the helpless one left behind, without an escape plan.…always have one no matter how great a man is it always good have a plan it gives you inner strength. Never know who is going to “NUT up on you”
Even GOD says “Put your trust in no man”…sounds like something a woman would say to me. (lol)
Funny and sound, thanks Fayette. TheHoly Bible indeed holds a wealth of advice for healthy living. I am just as driven to get going towards my full recovery and full restoration.
Thank you for your desire to see I get through this. God is called The Heavenly Father by Jesus in a language that we will understand, but I strongly believe, that God, created us with full intent and knowledge on how we can best serve our purposes as He planned. Easy for me to say for us to tap our inherent strengths and skills and learn from others, yet, the emotions have a mind of their own, and our own minds at times could not defy what we feel.
It is an uphill battle, but up I go, thanks for all the help.
You are welcome ,an try a little downstream it is really easier (lol)
Dear Viners, In this post string. I am in awe at the outpuouring of sisterhood, support, goodwill, encouragement, sound advices, and honest openness in solidarity with me. And to think we are total strangers to each other, yet you selflessly showed me your kind love, and gave me your time and attention. This is a humbling experience, and I am very flattered and loved. I cannot thank each of you enough to convey how better already you make me feel, and how you have emboldened me to confront my demons. Here, with you, my healing starts. God bless each of you. You have blessed me well.
Dear Cookie: THank you for your lovely thoughts. I don’t know how (gentics, I think), but I didn’t become beaten down, lose myself or isolatemyself. I was determined to do what I wanted to do (I knew there would be hell to pay), but I did what I wanted to anyway. My childhood was a Steven King novel (LOL), and as a matter of fact, I lived 10 miles from his home….lOL
If you cannot remember anythng else, remember that abuse is a CHOICE. Abusers are excruciatingly insecure, jealous…..they literally stop (narcissists) maturing at about age 12-13…so you see, you are literally dealing with a child in an adult body.
And like children having a tantrum…….ignore them. THey are like vampires and need a constant supply….meaning they need you to respond, explain yourself, etc……they couldn’t care les about your feelings or thoughts.
Hugs and Love and God Bless you also….If you ever want to talk (I am the moderator of an abused survivors’ group and speak to women on the phone), please e-mail me: wacalice@aol.com or IM me on VN.
Courage, dear sister.
xoxo, Alicia
w s;oo
Good for you!! I have been there, done that… Most of what I would say has been said: counseling, counseling and counseling, plus reading everything in sight that helps you see who you are so that you don’t make the same choices next time. And give yourself lots of time until the next time. Date yourself, make yourself happy!
I left my ex and moved to where I am now and can honestly say, in retrospect, that what I felt for him all those years was sympathy for his horrible childhood, some pity, lots of “my love will fix it”, plus I was addicted.
I’m still a person who wants to fix things, but keep learning – the hard way – that I can’t. I’m only human and my magic wand is missing in action!
Even after doing all of the above, I have found myself in love with a man who shares many of the same qualities as my ex, but not abusive. Just not as available as I’d like. So, as soon as I can afford it, I think I’ll go back to get some more counseling!
Remember, time heals all wounds (or is it time wounds all heels)!
ThurmanLady I enjoyed your comments and understand being the “Fix it Person” .. that’s been my roll for so many years .. not just with my husband but with my entire family .. took lots of therapy to figure out I can’t fix anyone but me ! All I have been doing is to ENABLE all of them to do what they want to me. That’s over …… Love the missing in action Magic Wand …
When I got my divorce I was at the point of leaving EVERYTHING behind and feeling nothing for it. I had truly let go of the marriage, the marriage had died long before, I had gone through the mourning process of it (I think this is the place you are stuck on)…I was ready to get on with my life. I was ready to walk out with nothing but personal things and the few things that meant something to me…funny the things were photos of the kids and things I had inherited from my mother & father, nothing else. I was just glad to be out of the oppression.