| How do you go on when they’re gone? | Hot Conversation |
Two years ago my husband had 4 strokes. It was rough. We ran out of insurance. I had to give up my job to take care of him. We lost everything and had to move in with our daughter. Then he dies and now all I want to do is curl up and cry. Help.
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I had a BR at 60 YOA. I had been having horrible upper back pain and yes I wore well fitting bras. I wasn't as large as many women but insurance covered their part. The back pain is gone, I wear at least a size smaller in tops and can now wear to wiser now:
you have come to the right place! everyone is giving you great advice. you are strong, you will make it. so all i am going to say is to contact this person. she helped me so much when i left him one year ago, after a lifetime togethelovelysmile is right.
you can be very busy, not available. not answer phone, involved in other activities when the "not real friends" call.
if you need a break to be alone for awhile, tell them you are leaving on a cruise or trip to some place f
I wish everyone thought like you!
Remember the movie "Eat,Pray ,Love" with Julia Roberts and a scene where her friend Sophie said she couldn't eat too much pizza because she gained too much weight and had a muffin top.Julia Roberts or Liz said a man didn't really care because h
Hang in there. Get involved with something new. Even something crazy-new. I didn’t lose my husband to death but lost him to his work. So, I went to massage therapy school. I have all new friends and a new life. Don’t curl up and cry… You are HERE, alive and well. Be happy. Your husband would want that! hugs, Sarie
(((Janice)))
My heart goes out to you. It sounds like you have a daughter who you raised well & loved ones to support you. I have this philosophy which has helped me get through some rough times.. Live & act AS IF! That means do things a woman of your age WOULD & SHOULD do.. even if you not “feel” good doing them. Why, you ask?? Because it is important to have hope & believe that one day, the grief & many of the hard things will pass. New things, enjoyable things will come your way IF you are open to them & have not shut yourself away from them.
I would suggest if nothing else comes to mind to go do, VOUNTEER for a group you can relate to.. or even shelve books at a Library. Just do SOMETHING instead of nothing. One day a week is enough at first. I am not sure how long ago your husband passed, but it is OK to have a few good cries for quite awhile.
I lost my daughter almost 8yrs ago (she was 19) and my best friend. Keeping busy is what kept me going until the day came where I found something I could enjoy being part of this world again. I saw a doll house & remembered that I always wanted to make one. I still haven’t doen that, but it was a catalyst to spur me in the right direction & to take the next step. There is a support group called Passionate Friends for us who have lost a child, but their ideas apply equally well to losing your partner.
Another VERY important thing is to make yourself eat at least once a day & get rest when you can. Sleep may be difficult for a long time.. Try to listen to music which was more to YOUR liking & not to your husbands. Let the music help you relax. During the day, write in a spiral about the things you loved about this man.. when you first met… things he loved in life. Start writing his biography. Later, ask what would he like to see you do with the remaining years. I am sure he would not want you to join him anytime soon… right? Do you have grandchildren? They have lost their Grandpa. They need you even more now.
When I lost Karen, I would go to Walmart & Walgreens & cry.. I would buy little things for her still, like I did when she was here. I did that for a few months. These things are now put away. I made a small photo album of her with pictures from baby up to when she died. I had a few favorites & I bet you do too. Celebrate his LIFE, not your loss of him. Be glad he was with you all these years.
Lastly.. talk to him… and Pray fro strength. I hope you take a One A Day vitamin too. Grief sucks life out of a person, so do little things to help stay well until you have found your way through this.
i am so sorry for your loss. be srong. your daughter would want that
Thanks for your comment Debbie. If you or others would like to connect on a not so public level, you can email me at shbs1208@yahoo.com I am strong enough for this or whatever comes my way. I have known mine was NOT to be an easy, carefree life!! lol
I can understand. It was our 15th year this Thanksgiving our eldest son died from a form of Muscular Dystrophy and know he wouldn’t want to become a reason I no longer enjoyed this holiday any longer. God promises us the best is yet to come and he is now living that promise. At times it is like taking 2-3 steps forward and one step back until the steps are more forward. Even today I still go through sorrow yet remind myself of these things so the gray cloud isn’t with me as long as it used to be. I tell myself it is something I can’t change and have put 3 photo albums together myself to look at and reaffirms he did have many good, happy family years and other times while here.
I can fully sympathize with you on this – my husband of 32 years passed away a couple of months ago, quite unexpectedly and I’m devasted! I don’t know where to turn without him. We did everything together – even worked together. Last November we both lost our jobs due to the economy and at the end of January he began having issues with constipation. After a couple of uncomfortable weeks we went to the doctor, who prescribed all the usual home remedies. Nothing worked consistently. After a couple of more visits to the doctor, who by the way, ordered no tests at all – not even blood or urine! not an xray or sonogram! At the end of April my husband was having difficulty breathing due to abdominal swelling at this point. He was rushed to the hospital and died three weeks later. We are still waiting for the results from the autopsy! Malpractice has come into the picture along with several other issues…..however, none of this will bring him back. I have twin sons that are 27, living at home with me, but my husband is gone! their father is gone! and all I do is cry! So believe me, I know how you feel! and I am so sorry for your loss.
My heart goes out to you for I can understand how you feel. See Dave was havig small strokes for about 5 yrs. and the drs. kept missing them. Then one he had his first they really screwed up. They almost did heart surgery on him which would have killed him. Lucky we stopped them. It’s hard I can and I do keep doing the what if I would have done. But it doesn’t bring him back. And when his happened I couldn’t sue the hospitals or drs. because my lawyer told me it would null invoid his insurance and social security disability. And when you looking at 600,000.00 in bills you can’t afford to lose what little insurance you have left. Good luck with your malpratice but be careful. I have one question for you, we both sound close to the same age(53) married 34 yrs. My friends have seems to have disappeared. What about yours?
My husband passed away this January. I am 52 we were married for 30 1/2 years. My friends have dropped out of sight. For some reason I believed people when they said to me if you need anything call and I will be right there. So wrong. I no longer get asked out by the friends we used to hang out with – our best friends – who we did so much with – he can’t seem to be in the same room with me and she keeps telling me the way to deal with my husband’s passing is to pretend he is away. O.K. he has been away for 9 months now when the hell is he coming home. On the other hand I have made some new wonderful friendships with amazing women who are there to support me when I am having a bad day. I feel I have lost so much this year – not only my husband – the love of my life – but life time friends whom we shared so much with. I sometimes think it is too painful for my friends to see me without my husband – but this is who I am now. Do you think some women see us as a threat – we are now the “single woman”? Trust me the last thing I feel like is getting involved with someone else – let alone someone’s husband.
This is very sad, I am sure there are groups around to help you get through this, people who have been through this as well, my condolances
My partner of 21 years had her first stroke in December of 2000, the effects were mostly cognitive. I lost her at that time and grieved for about a year. I was able to get on with taking care of her as her health continued to decline. She died June 11th of this year from complications of congestive heart failure. I am now grieving again. There are two things that I know are not for wimps, they are care giving and grieving. I have never known such excruciating pain. Many folks have told me it gets easier but never really goes away. I keep waiting. I guess it helps to know that I am not alone. I have joined a small support group, there are 6 of us. Hang in there and allow yourself some time to curl up and cry! I love you, feel for you, and am here if you want to write to me. Ann
janice and those of you that are grieving the loss of your husband, I can definitely relate! I lost my beloved husband and best friend of 35 years in March 2009. He had what we thought was a mild stroke 3 days after his 65th birthday in Feb. Well because of the holiday in Feb it was the following Tuesday after this before I could get him in to see his primary care dr. which pretty much poopoo off his symptoms, slurred speech, problems concentrating, forgeting things, etc. Well he started going downhill fast after the following week. I even had to get him a walker to help him get around because his legs were so weak. I took him back to the dr. and told him I wanted him hospitalize for a full exam immediately. Well he coudl see for himself by then that something was definite worng so we got him in and they started running tests. Of course with Medicare they ran all kinds of test, some of them several time. (A pure case of Medicare fraud..but that’s not my story here)
Anyway, was on a Wed. aand he had walked into the hospital with the use of his walker and by the following day he had gone down so much and had become so incapasitated that I knew I could never take proper care of him at home by myself so the dr. I asked the Dr. to check into a care center. Well he came in came into his room the next afternoon and told me, “Well I have good news and bad news, whcih do you want first?” I told him, give us teh bad news first. And he said, Well he has lung cancer and it has spead to his liver, spleen. pulmonary artery and adrenal gland, so chemo or surgery isn’t an option! Bam! just liek that! I was fllored but I asked him, well you aid good and bad news, waht is the good news. He said he had lined up a care center and he could be moved that afternoon. It was for ‘comfort care’. I’ll make a long sotry shorter by saying, he passed away the following Monday morning. One of his sister had come up and spent the weekend with us. I’m so thankfull they had they time to say their goodbyes.
Nowas for me, I thought I was okay and I actaully was for a few weeks, but I was in shock. it all happened so fast and I’d not had time to even deal with the dreaded word ‘cancer’ much less deal with his death so suddenly. Well here I am seven months later and although I’m still a mess I am slowly making the adjustments. I go around my house talking to him all the time though jsut as if he was still here. And sometimes a really think he is,especially at night when I go to bed I can feel him standing at the foot of our bed, as though he is guarding over me. This is so comforting.
I also know what it’s liek to lose an adult child. My firstborn son was killed in a car wreck two days before Thanksgiving of 2005. He was 35. That was so very hrad. It just isn’t natural for a parent to have to bury their child. I must say here, that although I thought I had fiannly accept his death and was ‘okay’ I didn’t really deal with it until I lost my husband. But time is a perfect healer and I know I will eventually be able to move on with my life…once I fugure out just what it is I am suppose to do for the rest of my life. My husband and kids were/are my life. It’s hard but you know what janice sweetie, we will be okay and someday it want hurt so badly. Just keep moving forward. Email me if you want to talk more about it. Talking really helps. But, I too have discovered that all those people I thought were my dear friends in this community for the past 25 years are sure scarce in my life these days. Go figure… so, I just talk to my beloved. What I would give to have his here to talk back though.
Intrepid, thanks so much for sharing. I have found that the best people to talk to are the ones who have walked in our shoes. They know our pain and don’t mind listening for as long as we need to talk, especially if we are willing to do the same. I can’t imagine the pain of multiple losses. I am sending you a big hug and lots of prayers. There is NO WRONG WAY to grieve! Do whatever works for you. Sincerely, Ann
My husband of 24 years died last Nov. 15 (08) and it has taken away my whole life. He was my best friend, my daughter says we were joined at the hip. And we were!
Since then I have moved into a smaller space – the old place was too big for both of us and we had talked about moving but never got around to it. I love this new environment. But it takes some strength to get me up and moving sometimes, without the motivation of going with my best friend.
I have my usual church activities (I am the minister after all) and Keep busy but I have many moments of missing his presence right here, right now. I have gone out a few times with new friends. When I get home I find myself missing him more, because we would have talked about the event and relived it in our hearts.
It is never easy to let go. But I will suggest something that has helped me and others….a wonderful visualization exercise you can do in your quiet moments….
In your mind’s eye see a box, like the ones you would fill with goodies at Christmas time. Fill it (symbolically and mentally) with all your love, kisses, hugs and caring. Wrap it up in white (for spirit) paper and tie it up with a rainbow bow (rainbows are such wonderful symbols of bridges, connection, communication and it does come with a pot of gold (prosperity) at the end). See your parcel grow wings and float up into the sky as a direction for heaven. As your loved one receives your love instead of your tears, you both will lighten up and connect in a whole new way.
May I suggest watch for smells from your loved one. Also when that picture seemed to move ever so slightly he was adjusting it to see you better. Know his presence is never far away and he waits for you to join him in the fullness of time.
God bless, J
Thank you spiritalk. I will remember you on the 15th of November, on the anniversary. I am still in the midst of the first year. The 19th of November would have been her 65th birthday. Thanks for the imagery exercise. I was just thinking this morning of begining to use some meditation techniques. I definitely know about being “joined at the hip”, we worked together for about 10 of the 21 years we were together. Thanks for sharing! sincerely, Ann
letting you know that I have not forgotten, my thoughts & prayers will be w/you tomorrow. last night I treated myself to a one hour full body massage done in my home, the best $50 I have spent in a long time. my massage therapist is a friend, had not seen her in some years. I called her and we finally got together last night. we talked some during the massage, and I told her how comforting it was to be touched in that way. there is nothing sexual about a good massage, but so very comforting! I have scheduled another one for the week end after thanksgiving. I will be going to my partner’s family for the holiday and we are having a graveside service for her ashes. I thought that would be a great time for another massage! Hope you are doing ok, drop me a line w/an update soon! I really do care… Ann
Thank you so much for thinking of me at that time. That weekend was packed full of activities I could not avoid. On Fri. the 13th I did a wedding for a wonderful couple and thoroughly enjoyed the celebration.
On Sat. I went out to lunch with some family members who are trying to renew our acquaintances with each other. It was fun. BTW my uncle (the brother to one of the participants) passed on the same day, same year. We reminded each other it was a year.
On the Sun. I did church services and then came home. The apt. seemed very empty and I was kind of teary.
All and all it is about love and missing him shows how deep I can love.
God bless, J
Thanks so much for the update. I just got home today from spending Thanksgiving holiday w/my partner’s family. I went to her sister’s on Tuesday and helped w/cooking the big dinner. Her brother and his family joined us. Thursday was football games all day. Yesterday we all went to the graveside and held an informal service to bury her ashes. That was followed by the Thanksgiving dinner. Glenna’s niece lost a baby one year ago in October, she announced that she is pregnant again and the due date is June 11th (the day Glenna died), it was a shock and a blessing! I am glad to be home. Now I feel like everyone is expecting me to get out there and find a JOB. What I still want to do is go find a hole to crawl into!!! I won’t, but that is how I feel today. Tomorrow night is the hanging of the greens service at my church, looking forward to that… I did join the church a few weeks ago, had been visiting for a while. The nurses of this congregation want to mentor me into my new career. Thanks so much for sharing!
You can only do what is right FOR YOU! When others walk in your shoes they may understand. But the process is so personal.
I so relate to having good days and bad days. In consolation we enjoy the love shared from others who had their relationship too. Sometimes it is wise to listen to the young.
My husband used to call the little one (6) Chucky. Her name is Alyx and he always thought it sounded too boyish. But this is a real feminine girl. The other day she said she missed it – no one else called her Chucky. And boy did she squirm when he did it. Funny what memories come up.
God bless, J
Janice:
Please accept my condolences on the passing of your husband. You have lost so much and there are so many emotions to deal with. There is the gut wretching grief of losing your husband. There is the anger – you did so much for him – lost so much and he leaves you. The fear of the unknown – what is in your future. Envy – why are they still married and I’m not. The list is never ending.
My husband had psoratic arthrits for 25 years. He died of a massive heart attack – while recovering from bowel surgery. His health began to fail 6 years ago, when he had to have a pace maker inserted because the arthritis had eaten away at the cartlidge in his heart. That is when I started to go to thearpy.
Janice that is the thing that has kept me sane through this roller coaster ride of grief. If you do not have coverage for thearpy – please get in contact with your Dr. or the Heart and Stroke organization – even the funeral home – find a person – a group – anything where you can talk, cry and tell your story. The best thing to hear from someone else is ” I have felt the same way it is O.K. to feel that way”.
Try to find something that you love to do – and haven’t had time for – start to spend time doing that, and if you feel like crying – than cry – and rest grief is so exhusting. Don’t put unrealistice expectations upon yourself . Just get through the next hour and then the hour after that.
Please stay in touch.
Lynn
TO ALL who have lost a loved one.. I offer this poem. I found it 3 months after my daughter died & it helped bring me peace.. I hope it helps you too.
I’M FREE
Don’t grieve for me, for now I’m free
I’m following the path God has chosen for me.
I took His hand when I heard him call;
I turned my back and left it all.
I could not stay another day,
To laugh, to love, to work or play.
Tasks left undone must stay that way;
I’ve now found peace at the end of day.
If my parting has left a void,
Then fill it with remembered joys.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss;
Oh yes, these things, I too will miss.
Be not burdened with times of sorrow
Look for the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life‘s been full, I savored much;
Good friends, good times, a loved ones touch.
Perhaps my time seems all to brief;
Don’t lengthen your pain with undue grief.
Lift up your heart and peace to thee,
God wanted me now-He set me free
Author: Shannon Lee Moseley.
soothingliteleader@yahoo.com
Beautiful poem Sandy! Thank you for sharing it with us!
Thank you all for your prayers and comforting words.
Bedtime can be the worst part of grief after losing a spouse/pardner- and that big empty bed can be almost unbearable especially at first. If this is still a problem for any of you, try laying two pillows length-wise on their side of the bed. One of my sis-inlaws shared that with me right after his funeral and it did help alot. Now I don’t have as much trouble falling asleep – but I still keep those extra pillows in my bed.
Sandy,
What a beautiful poem….I’ve never seen it before. I will definitely copy it and have it to reflect back on. I’m coming up to the 2 year anniversary of losing my dear hubby. He was the love of my life, my best friend and the best thing that ever happened to me. We’d both been divorced for a lot of years when we met and we both knew immediately we were “meant to be.” We had planned a long life together but were only blessed with 10 years before God decided He needed him worse than I did. I was devastated!
I knew he’d been going down hill for a year or so but then we were told in Feb/07 that he might last a year if he didn’t have a lung transplant. He spent the entire summer in a COPD rehab, trying to build muscle & weight so he could have the surgery. He came home in Aug. after a little success but went quickly downhill. In the end, a stroke took him but he lingered in the hospital for 2 weeks before he was finally gone. It’s been a tough time since then, I had to sell our house because it was mortgaged on his income and I’d been home taking care of him for several years. I got laid off from a job I took in spring 08 this past March and haven’t been able to find a job since. I’m still looking for a job, my unemployment is about to run out and I’m not really sure what’s going to happen, but I have to believe that God will see me through.
My heart goes out to everyone on here who’s lost a partner, child or anyone! It’s a part of life we have to go through but it sure does suck!
Hugs,
Mary
dear mary -
the first part of your story – ten years, divorced for many, and so on – was an echo to my own. ironically, some people have said “why, that’s not very long” as though i may hurt less because we weren’t together for as many years as some couples. for me, it’s a hurt that i (and he, for that matter)only got the ten years, and he missed out on so much of life. (he died about three months before his 54th birthday.)
it has been nearly two years, and i am doing better. unfortunately, april, like you, many of those who should have been there the most – my best friend and my first cousin – both disappeared for about six months. i could have called them, but honestly felt that if they were willing to help as much as they said they were, they would have called me. in a sense, i guess i was lucky that things were wild at work and that consumed much of my time, and that we had just moved into a neighborhood that is extremely cohesive (although people tell me that i’m the one creating that.) anyway, circumstances threw me together with both of them again, and i haven’t shared my feelings of desertion because a) my best friend is dying because of metastatic breast cancer, and b)i find that the time alone for contemplation may have done me good.
two things have helped me enormously getting through this. one, i throw dinner parties. they don’t have to be lavish, or expensive – last march i had a soup party, where each guest or family brought their favourite homemade soup, and i provided french bread, wine (and you can get decent ones inexpensively if you go to traer joes) and candlelight…..fourteen people and one baby in my tiny dining room, the chatter never stopped and people got to know neighbors they might not have otherwise. it also started to generate a few invitations for me.
the second is doing some of bill’s bucket list for him. a friend and neighbor took his ashes up for a final flight (he worked on F14′s during Viet Nam, i can imagine his excitement at going up in an F-18) and i was fortunate enough to be able to take some of his ashes to Ireland, which he had always wanted to see, to scatter there (as well as fulfilling my lifelong dream to visit Scotland.) Obviously, not everyone will have the luxury of doing the latter, but I’m sure there were things on your husband’s list that you can do.
friends have told me: you don’t get over this, you get through it; i’m now at the stage of trying to define myself by something besides my profession and widowhood.
please let us know how you are doing.
Thank you for this lovely poem…and I am so sorry for your tremendous loss…and to JANICE…and all the others whose hearts are broken…Grief is a journey for which there is right or wrong way to travel…it is the work we do on the journey which gets us to the place of acceptance…I lost my love 16 yrs ago when he committed suicide…just 3 days before his 40th birthday…the downward spiral was frightening…I wept and wailed for almost 3 yrs…joined a grief group…kept a journal…wrote poetry…wept some more…it took a long time for me to come to grips with not only his death, but, the manner in which he died…the most important lesson I learned was that it ‘was ok for me to live’…because for so long…all I wanted to do was throw myself in the grave with him…but for my children, I would have…them and the tiny spider web thread I hung on to for so very long…it was a dark time in my life…
Another lesson I learned is that we never ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one…we learn to cope, and we survive the loss…and although our lives are forever changed…acceptance is the goal…to accept their death…to accept the change in our lives…and to accept a new life…but…we never forget…there is not a day that goes by without thoughts of him…
REMEMBRANCE
Moonlit lakes and loons,
Walks on the beaches,
Of the Atlantic shore.
Music, slow dancing,
Candles, summer breezes,
all to be had no more.
Whispers of love,
A love that reaches,
Through to our very core.
All of our memories,
Sweet, gentle touches,
Leaving me longing for more.
Good night my love,
Wait by the bridges
For me, on that distant shore
Andie55
This is just one of the poems I have written since his death…
May all of you who are suffering the loss of a loved one…find peace…solace…and acceptance…May your journey enable you to become a beacon of light for others who have lost!
I would like to say that I understand how you feel, I nursed my husband for several years.He was a difficult patient he suffered a great deal .He passed away the 15th of June this year .on my 60th birthday. We were married for 32 years. I feel so empty & lost even though I have a wonderful family , they do not know how terrible I feel & I don’t want them to feel the need to give things up for me. I really do hope we both see the light at the end of the tunnel ; and that time will make things better for us both , I believe things will change for the better as everything is so overwhelming at the moment we are grieving which is very normal, our lives have been through so much we must be made of good stuff to have gotten this far.. love and good wishes Gerry
I just lost my Mother on Nobvember 18, four weeks to the day from when she was diagnosed with Stage 4 ovarian cancer. She had been sick for months, but her doctor didn’t aggressively look for the cause. She was 83.
I had no idea her passing would leave such a hole in my life. I feel as though I’ve been hit in the chest with a telephone pole. I do okay for a while, then something will happen and I just melt into tears. Mother was my guide, my friend, my cheerleader. My husband and 5 siblings have been wonderful, but the loss is still painful.
My husband and I visit residents of a nursing home every week, and I went there a couple of days ago to check on them. One woman was grieving the loss of her son, who died on Thanksgiving 3 years ago. We just sat there, held hands, and cried together. It was healing for both of us. I didn’t feel like going, but it turned out to be just the right thing.
I’m leaning to tell people what I need – and don’t need. That’s hard, because I’m so independent. But I can’t do this alone. I go to Gilda’s Club, ask my husband to hold me, and call friends. I need them all.
I am so sorry for your lost – remember to rest – and don’t put great expectations upon yourself. This time of year we expect so much of ourselves – but this Christmas sit back and delegate – and share stories of your Mom. When the kids and I tell stories of my husband/their Dad it makes him part of our day – we laugh we cry but most of all we remember him
Lynn
Thanks, Lynn, for your kind words. I really am letting myself do what feels right. The day before Thanksgiving, I made Mother’s pumpkin pie recipe and listened to Puccini’a LaBoheme, one of her favorite operas. I cried through the whole thing, but I felt so connected to her.
I’m back to work now, but am allowing myself time to grieve when the feelings come. I also keep my knitting close at hand. It’s meditative and helps me center myself.
May you and your family find peace and comfort in this holiday season. My thoughts are with you.
Peg, I am glad to hear that you are doing what you need to do to help you. My husband died in 1998 after a heart transplant in 1995 and constant rejection, fungal infection and kidney failure. He never complained as long as I was the one caring for him. We were so close like the other post says we were joined at the hip. There were many times the drs didnt think he would pull through but I got him thru it. He wouldnt let any medical personal take care of him as he figured it was them that screwed him up so it was my job to take care of him and I would do it again in a heartbeat without thinking twice. The day he passed he looked at me and told me that he didnt think he was going to make it this time but I refused to listen to that. Then later in the day our pastor was with him along with our two daughters and he told them then that he could see the angels coming for him. He was quite a man and believed strongly in god so I know he is in heaven with the rest of my family waiting for me. Our youngest daughter passed 4 yrs to the day I buried him. My dad in 1999, brother in 2004, and aunt on the same day Ken passed just a few years later. Just after losing him I went through all his dialysis bags and put holes in them and named all the medical personnal that cared for him. I sorted things in his garage and threw that stuff away. It took me a couple of months but I felt better after doing it. Guess we all have to find ways to deal with it and that was mine. Now losing my daughter has been so hard for me. I miss her so much and thought it was rough losing Ken but it has been way worse dealing with her. You arent suppose to outlive your children. the pain just wont ease up at all. Hope everyone finds way to get thru this time of year.