I still have very little connection with my adult children and grandchild…it’s tearing me up!!! I try not to think about it most of the time but this morn for some reason it hit me right in the gut…I feel like what is my purpose of living???? I never had a close relationship growing up w/parents…they were always fighting. I used to think when I grow up and have a family of my own I’m going to show them as much love as I can and it will be different. Foolish thoughts…what the heck was I thinking???? My daughter is almost 30 & son is 26…when I do hear from them they don’t have much to say to me…I feel like they don’t want me involved in their lives. My daughter has a son, he’s 17 mos and lives 4 hrs away…don’t see much of him, can probably count the time I have seen him…don’t hear much from her…I realize she’s busy but prob too busy to talk to mom…it breaks my heart. I’ve tried at least I thought I was a sensitive and caring mom…I’m not perfect , I don’t understand it. I thought I would be close w/my kids when they grew up, but I was wrong and I don’t know how to help myself anymore!! I know that I should not revolve my life around my kids & I don’t think I do however but not being involved in their lives is killing me…literally…almost wish I wasn’t here. Anyone have any wise words about how to help myself from being so distraught???
Fran
| HEARTBROKEN… | Most Liked Hot Conversation |
August 06, 2012
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Shirley -Unfortunately we don't have control over others decisions. From what I have read, you are in the beginning of your relationship with this man. Although 8 months is time enough to sort through feelings, I'm not sure you should take him exactl
Hello old lady2,and JKL..... my location is 1/4 mile out of Sun River Oregon, Bend is the town. It is a ski, area in the winter, which may or may not be a down side. There are many older people that cross country, ski, and snowmobile. In the win
I felt my son and daughter were not close to me (I am touchy-feeling, huggy-kissy) and they are not. I rarely saw them even tho they lived a short distance away. I invited them to Sunday dinner, it was the best decision I ever made….I am still huggy-kissy, they aren’t, LOL, BUT we have a wonderful time every Sunday (for years now) …you need to have time with your grandchild also.
How about simply being honest and telling them how you feel and that you would like to have a closer relationship……there is no way to feel better about this; your feelings are not right or wrong, they simply are…. 4 hours is aways away, but how about once a month for dinner, or you go t where they are?
Can you invite them over for dinner?
Hi Alicia, Thank you for your response. I have tried being honest & open…not long after my grandson was born she asked me to come over to help her and of course I did then he had to have some surgery and she asked me to help take care of him and all the while I was there she was soooo distant…honestly, I don’t even know how to act anymore. She wasn’t talking and I tried in the beginning to chat but it was like pulling teeth (which is the case almost all the time) I’ve just about given up, therefore, I don’t do any chatting when she calls & when I call it’s a very short conversation. This is not a close relationship to me. Now as for my son…it’s the same and if I talk about not being close he tells me I’m being too dramatic. Although it’s been a while since I had this conversation w/him. When he does come home it’s either for xmas or having step-dad fix his car oh, or if there is a friend he wants to see in palm coast, fl (where I live). Don’t know how to get close to him either. Relationships should be a two way street. Ya kinda get worn out from being the only one trying.
Fran
Hi Fran,
Our children go through stages, always have, even as adults! I’m telling my age, here, but my sons were thirty eight and forty before they really started reaching out to me, remembering me, etc.
Like you, I was astounded that my sons just kind of “moved on” once they left for college! We were such a close family…my life revolved around my them, my husband, and pets! We were “The Beaver Cleaver’s”!
It hurts a lot when we realize their lives are too busy for good ol’ mom! I took whatever “crumbs” (from them), that came my way, joined meetup.com, took art classes, etc…well, just got busy! I fully realized that my job was to raise “good people”, to send into our world, and my job was over. It took some getting used to!
Now a days, they call a little more often, “I love you’s” go back and fourth and I know they mean it! They live far away and have married, also, both of them have heavy duty careers! Busy lives! I see them once or twice a year. It’s not enough, true, but life is not perfect.
When you live long enough, you realize that things don’t turn out like you have pictured. Maybe we’re supposed to use these ‘later years’ to be creative and become our own person. As they say, there is a reason for everything.
After writing all of this, I just want to say, you are not alone.
I’m so very sorry for your pain, but simultaneously quite relieved that I am not the only parent who has little to no communication with a grown child. I only have one child, a son. Today is his 29th birthday. He lives only a 2 hour drive from me, yet I have not seen him for 3 years. His late father and I drove over to the coast to see him on his 26th birthday. On that day he had chosen to take a hallucinogenic drug before our arrival, and shortly after we got there, he began vomiting out the car window. I can’t begin to understand what possessed him to alienate us so much, when we loved him so unconditionally. After 90 minutes of “visiting” we had to leave because our son was feeling ill and had to go home and lie down. Shortly after his father was stricken with cancer for the second time, I learned that my son has AIDS. He is not gay, he is just overwhelmingly careless about his life and the lives of others. Could he be a sociopath? I don’t know. His father, my dearest friend on earth, died on June 14th. Our son claims to have visited his father in hospice the night before he died, but I seriously question whether he showed up at all. This young man is going to wake up one day and realize that he’s 40 years old and has nothing to show for it.and has nothing to show for it but a lot of wasted time and sorry excuses. My heart breaks for you. My heart also breaks for me, and the beautiful, loving, funny, intelligent, sensitive son with whom I was once so close. I love him desperately but I’m weary of being excluded and excommunicated from his life. There is nothing I “did wrong” to account for his behavior, and yet he blames me at every turn for everything that he “doesn’t have.” I’m sick at heart, and embarrassed as well. He knows where I am. No longer will I make plans, only to have him cancel at the last minute. No more gifts (I haven’t received a Mother’s Day or birthday card since he was an adolescent), no more text messages and phone calls telling him I love him, and pathetically nearly pleading with him to make some time for me. Maybe he’s someone I don’t really want to know. The maternal love is still there. I can still see his brilliant smile and feel his loving hugs. I have every sense memory of swimming in the ocean together, holding hands as we dove deeper and deeper, smiling and laughing beneath the waves. Yes, I’m feeling sorry for myself today. I’ve acknowledged his birthday but haven’t heard a word back and don’t expect to. God knows what kind of life he’s living. It’s clearly none of my business.
being a only child, I felt all the pressure to be the perfect child. In my young adult life..have to find the perfect job to please my parents, have to find the perfect husband, have to build a famillly, and worst be the perfect <<stay at home mom>>. Now, it took the sudden death of my husband to take my life in my hands. When my father fell hill, everyday I was at their house or hospital taking to doctor, doing groceries, cleaning their house, anyway, I abandon my family, I abandon my husband…. Oh yes, they were proud of me, what a good girl i was. My father past so it when again crazy, taking care of my mother. She want to stay were she live with the man of his life. by the way they were always fighting…The thing is, the house need work. So what follow is very sad. my husband, my three sons and me were at her feet to please her. but it never end. Never happy and always demanding. One Sunday night, my dear husband, said<< You have to stop running trying to please her, and think of your life>>…he had demolish her kitchen the Saturday. She want a new kitchen!. Monday morning my husband on is way to work, fell hill, and did a major hear attack and die…3 days before we were to take our first major vacation alone after 28 years of marriage. A beautiful cruise that he took time to book for us. I learn from all this. Am sorry to say I push my mother away, now she past most her time alone, asking again for work to be done on the house, lucky for her one of my 3 sons go to check on her, sometime bring her shopping, the other one to restaurant. But me no, I go sick when I put my feet in that house…
Family stop calling me. I am not anymore the perfect child. I put me health first for me and my kids. When I became a widow at 55, my sons 26 22 19, took turn to stay home instead of going out with there friends. Ok they need to do that. after 6 months, I told them laughing, I did not need a baby sitter on Friday night…they laugh now close to 18 months after the passing of my husband life go on. My sons became c.a. and the little one he is in marketing. The only time i feel depress when i go to mom. she is holding on to her wall instead of memories in her hearth. I don’t want to hold responsible my adult kids for my happiness. They have the wright to become what they want. Lately, I decide that in 3 to 4 years am selling the family house , and I start looking for a new location. I don<t want to be a burden for them. I wish they come to see me, when they want, not for repairing the wall!
Dear Sylviem…I’m so sorry you lost your husband…my condolences…If the moral of your story is you can expect your kid to be perfect…I don’t expect it! However, I do expect caring and loving children. I was told once that the one of the best ways to parent is to remember when…and I do all the time when I come into a situation w/them. All I ever wanted was to be CLOSE to my children as adults and otherwise and I feel like the want to distance themselves from me. I guess you could say I might be demanding when it comes to having conversation w/them and wanting to be involved in their lives, but they only give me one word answers. I end up playing the 20 question game…which I hate…they don’t offer up much. It’s very uncomfortable talking to them as I don’t know what to say & I end up repeating myself and my son will be sure to tell me “Mom you told me that already”. I have talked to my daughter about how I feel before actually several times…it changes for a little while then it goes back to the same way. I have backed off and don’t even have the desire to call them but I do once in a while. I feel like I’m invading their space, if they want to tallk they will call me. So as far as perfect I’m not and don’t expect my adult kids to be I know they have their own lives…I would just like to be a part of it!!! Thanks for sharing the other perspective.
Fran
The suggestion that I would give would be:
Make a decision — get the pity party over with; if it helps vent to friends, do so. But not to your kids. Decide to make a change, any change.
Perspective. — figure out what is realistic, such as can you get yourself there whether it be 2 hours, or two days away. don’t assume that they aren’t willing.
Balance. — your needs vs. theirs including amt. of time or effort
Ask. — talk abt. What you need or can do with or for them.
WORK WITH THEM. — if they need, ask what you can do, maybe it’s your physical help, maybe it’s just to listen, maybe it’s referring them to someone you know who can help them in their career, home maintenance or babysitting.
Plan something that includes them. This could be a meal, or something bigger like a family vacation together. Start small & watch for opportunities.
And if a visit was completely horrible like the vomiting son, maybe they are embarrassed. Forgive and forget it. Make sure that they know you love them as your child (even if you don’t love their actions).
Thank you Phyllis Joy, reading your post, i make sure to take note!!! having 3 sons, I wish myself to open up to my future <<daughter in law >> but not to be intrusive into their life. Being a widow, a young one, I do not want to impose my choice of life to my kids, and try to be independent. If I need something to be done around the house, I call someone and pay. I want my kids to come to see me and be able to give them a break in their busy life. (building a career, taking care of there own familly ) I want to be present in there life but at there own pace. I remember when we start out, with work and activity for 3 boys , the weekend was busy. My parents were able to see them at their sports event, cheerleading, and spoil them with ice cream, or go to the movies. Yes! Family vacation is very good idea, but i will make sure that i am not babysitting for 2 weeks at the babypool!!!
After my husband died, the kids were close and wanted to be there for me, but they have their own grief issues with which to deal. They have families of their own and know that I can take care of myself. The boys want to help with “the heavy lifting”, but they live an hour away and cannot just stop by when they want to do so. I was lonely for them at first, but realized I needed to get on with it.
I do not want to live through my kids. I still have a career and have friends. I am trying to make friends with people who didn’t know my husband so I have new memories.
Also, I,t oo, pay people to do the heavy lifting and all the things my husband used to do.
As for the kids, I wish we were closer. It is funny; the child who was not close to my husband and stayed away is now closer to me. The boys were closer to him and are having a hard time. They have some anger issues.
My problem is that they alternate between wanting me to be the cookie-baking grandmother — which I am not — and being a shoulder to lean on or cry on, which I am.
Do I wish things were different? Yes. I would love to have the happy Leave it to Beaver like the reunion show: happy grandkids, fond memories of Ward, frequent visits from the kids. . .
I am the one with more time to initiate the visits, so I schedule dinners. The monthly dinner is a great idea. You may not get all the kids, but little by little there will be a value to it. Set your ground rules. Let them know you are not forcing yourself on them and they can come or not, but you’d love to HEAR WHAT IS GOING ON in their lives. Make it more about them and not your needs. You are the parent and not the child, after all. Be supportive of them. Their equivalent of hugs and kisses from you may be actions like supportive listening or baby sitting or swinging a hammer when repairs are needed at their homes. Show them you are more than a needy “dramatic” mother. You are a woman of value who can bring value and benefit into their lives.
Also, do talk to a therapists. They helped me see what my relationships were about. Too much was about me and not enough about them. Not that I am not worth it, but I was having my own pity party way too much.
I was lucky enough to meet a young family who needed what I had to offer. I include them in my family dinners. They unwittingly diffuse family tension, add a happy dynamic, and treat me like family. You the old saying: people treat strangers on the street better than they treat their own family. Well, it is true. I was treating my kids with less respect for their privacy, their personalities, and so on; they treat me the same. I am working on that and hope my actions will show them. It will take time. Meanwhile, I move on. There is still a lot of pain. I’m not going to kid you. But you don’t have a choice. You were given a life to cherish and protect and that life IS YOUR OWN. Don’t waste it, please.
I do wish for you the very, very best. There is more for you out there than a life lived vicariously through your kids!
Dear sylvieem, thanks for your comments, it is nice to know that I can help, in any way that I can! Much of this advice comes from years of counseling with a wonderful therapist, wise aunts along life, some fantastic and tru girlfriends, and experience. Best wishes to you as you rediscover your worth!
Hey Everybody,
I’ve gone through years of guilt, loneliness, and anger regarding to my adult children. I’ve wasted a lot of time trying to fix what I thought was wrong in our relationships and now at 59, I trying to change my ways. When throughts of my children start rolling around in my head, I scream, STOP!!! And I’ll be damned, it’s beginning to help.
After several years of counseling I’ve learned the following about handling my adult children:
1. Don’t expect them to call often, it just breeds resentment in you and lays a guilt trip on them.
2. Let them call you. The conversation is always better even though it’s usually about them. But at least it’s not one word answers.
3. If you live far away, plan visits for no longer than 3 days – TOPS! I’ve realized that by then we are ready to part ways happily.
4. Don’t try to fix their dilemmas. My son once called me almost crying about a recent breakup. I was devastated for him and spent the entire evening pondering on how I could help him. Then I went on FB and saw a photo he’d just posted with his arm around another girl at a nearby bar. Mommy can’t fix their lives anymore.
5. Stop being needy and trying your kids be the major part of your life. They have their own lives. That’s what we wanted as mommys, didn’t we?
6. Listen to their problems but don’t give advice unless they ask for it. Chances are they just want to vent.
7. Stay in the present. You can’t change the past or predict the future. All you can do is live in the now
.
8. And finally, make your own life. Find hobbies that keep your mind busy, join groups, cultivate friendships and keep your thoughts about your kids on the sideline. Know that they love you and you love them, but you’ve raised the best that you could and now it’s your time – live it to the fullest!!
This post is just what I needed. All day today, I have been sitting here crying about the relationship that I have with my 39 year old son as well as my 18 year old niece who I have been extremely close to. I wish I could be like my husband who continually tells me to try and not let it bother me. It never bothers him at all but as hard as I try I just can’t seem to get through it. I used to be so close to my son, calling me every day, etc. Then he went through a year when he called me names, threatened to call the cops if I tried to go to his home, etc. Then all of a sudden he calls me again but it isn’t the same. He won’t tell me why he was so angry and I don’t dare ask him again for fear he will do it again. He has a 6 year old son who I love so much but he threatens to not let me see him if I make him mad. I have to walk on eggshells when I talk to him. It tears me up inside and I try not to let it bother me but it does. It is nice to read how there are other mother’s that are going through this and we can try and help each other out!
Wow, Anon, that’s a tough situation. My ex husband was that way. When he got mad at somebody, he would stop speaking to them. I’d say to him I don’t think they know why you’re upset and he’d say, “Well, they should know!” Very passive/aggressive behavior. But, finally I got mad at his behavior and now he doesn’t speak to me. It doesn’t bother me a bit because he’s out of my life.
My heart goes out to you, but you need to move on with your life like your hubby has (although it’s much harder for a mother). Everytime these thoughts start rolling through your mind, use my trick – STOP!!!! If you say it enough times, it works.
Good luck.
Thank you all for your moving posts. Each one has helped me. I’m still sad, embarrassed, and in terrible mourning for my son’s father. But my son has taken his own path in life, and while I love him without condition, the conditions under which he is living his life are mysterious and disturbing to me. But I have my own life, a new job beginning in a week which I hope and believe will prove healing, and I have a wealth of wonderful friends. Unfortunately my closest friends live abroad, but I’ve no doubt that I’ll make new life-long friends before too much more time passes. I take great joy in my Golden Retriever: she seems to read my mind and loves to cuddle and play. I’m off to the dog park now. It seems one meets the nicest people who share a love for dogs. I offer my support and sisterly love to everyone on this thread.
I recently left my husband of 31yrs. I have two daughters, 28 and 22 they are on there own but live withing a 15 miles from me. I also have a 15yr old son still at home who has been my rock through this all. This is a long time coming. My daughters have taken this all really hard and are siding with their father, he is the under dog. They feel sorry for him because he has had everything done for him for our whole marriage, but yet he verbally abused them both until they moved out.
I am so distraught about my daughters, we were so close. I cry all the time about them. I also have a 6mo old grandaughter, I do get to see her when my daughter needs a babysitter but other than that they really want much to do with me. I never hear from my oldest daughter and we acutally didn’t even when we were still married she is living her independent live that doesn’t involve any of us but when I first left she ran to her Dad’s side. I never realized how much harder divorce/seperation is on older children.
It seems that most of the time grown kids come around at same point but it is so hard on us until they decide they want that relationship.
I know the hurt you are feeling, hang in there.
I am new to this site, but I am lonely for girlfriends. I have a great husband and family, but old friends don’t seem to have enough time, or have so many problems its overwhelming. Just some to sit and chat with, and have a good laugh. Where do I find these women??
Very lonely for some girl time.
Thanks for some insights on how you all are dealing with these situations and for helping me not feel alone. I’ve been feeling like a failure, but no more pity parties!! I have a full life with my husband and friends and need to remember that I’ve encouraged independence in my children. My mother and mother in law were needy and intrusive. I’ve vowed not to be that way with my children, so that probably has encouraged the distancing that I just need to deal with.
Hi Fran,
I agree, you are not alone, I think we all have our painful stories. I could tell you mine, but it’s more of the same. One thing that has helped me though is what my Mother in Law told me. If you don’t hear from them, they are doing ok. and that is true. I have one son, who after my husband died and I met and found another man and remarried, he refuses to speak to me, unless he needs something. So, I finally realized my Mother in law was right, and we did raise our kids to be able to live with out us. So, now I know he can live with out me, and I know he is ok. That’s all I can ask. My Mother in law also said, you have to become hard. That’s true also. Don’t dwell, push the thoughts away, and become selfish, now is the time for you! Hugs and prayers…
Fran, I would only add not to be too hard on yourself and remember that relationships can and do change in cycles. If there’s any reason you know of that’s preventing you and your children from having a closer relationship, then address it and try to rectify it. If not, then you can only let things be.
My personal belief is that children should not be a person’s reason for living, but more so a great part of their lives. If I were you, I would try to continue to reach out, be kind and loving, and allow an open gate for better communication or a closer relationship. Do the little things … remember to send cards on birthdays with “love Mom,” and suggest getting together on holidays (if you do not do so already). I don’t know if you are linked on social media, but if so, ask to see photos of your grandchild growing, and keep abreast of things.
If your children remain aloof, then just be. Simply be. If you truly want a closer, more intimate relationship with them, just stay open and kind. They’ll have to make a closer move towards you. Even hardened hearts can soften in time and with love.