Only recently have I discovered the pervasiveness of “PD’s” in families. It has been only in recent years that the studies are surfacing for the average gal or guy…these disorders are rampant! Those of us who are in our fifties, and beyond, may have been born to a parent with PD or unknowingly, married one!! Many of these disorders show up in a person, as being cold, mean, uncaring, and capable of little or no emotion. Hmmm, this pretty much describes my Ex!
When I read some of the posts, made by VN ladies, with titles like: “A cold, heartless husband…”, “My husband doesn’t care…”, “Hubby wants to sleep alone…” “Living alone, together”, etc… I am struck by how these descriptions parallel the descriptions in books on “Asperger’s Syndrome”, “Narcissism”, “Obsessive-compulsive disorder”, and others.
Some of the characteristics of Asperger’s are the lack of social competence (although “Aspie’s” can mimic sociability), sincerity, a very limited ability for real intimacy, poor emotional self-awareness and a lack of overall emotional intelligence. These same people have an uncanny ability to focus on one subject (computers, sports, their job, a hobby, train schedules (!) etc.) They have extreme difficulty with reciprocating in an intimate relationship. Conversations are very one sided because they are always right! Sexually, they can be very high functioning or as cold as a stone. Does this sound like anyone you know?
It is important to know that people with these disorders are on a completely different ‘wave length, from most of us, and CANNOT relate to a ‘neurotypical’ personality, e.g., one who is capable of INTUITIVELY understanding social situations. The Aspie individual is totally lacking in intuition, basically, their inner life is like a Martian landscape! The only way they can blend with “normal” folks is to learn to mimic behavior, but many of them fall short because nurturing/caring is so lacking. Oddly enough, they are often attractive and above average in intelligence! A great book on this subject is: “22 Things a Woman Must Know: If she’s Married to a Man With Asperger’s”. There are many others that are excellent on this subject.
The Narcissist PD is very similar, in many ways, but is an even colder “breed”. They are much more manipulative and SELF SERVING…”It’s all about me!” would be very appropriate in describing their behavior.
Well, I must close since this post is way too long! I’ll have to wait another time to delve into some of the other PD’s!
I think just knowing this is healing, otherwise, the heartache is so magnified! I hope this sheds some light for someone ‘out there’!
Shirley -Unfortunately we don't have control over others decisions. From what I have read, you are in the beginning of your relationship with this man. Although 8 months is time enough to sort through feelings, I'm not sure you should take him exactl
Hello old lady2,and JKL..... my location is 1/4 mile out of Sun River Oregon, Bend is the town. It is a ski, area in the winter, which may or may not be a down side. There are many older people that cross country, ski, and snowmobile. In the win
Loved your poem and will share with my yoga class tonight!
So, what I hear you saying is that this is unacceptable. Be clear and sure. You are not o.k. with this. If he wants this relationship (with you), he has to take down his profile and just be with you---it's always a risk on both sides. Thanks for fill
This is very timely for me. I have been trying to understand my husband’s behavior and I started looking up Passive Aggressive behavior. So many of his actions fall between that and Narcissism. The past few years he’s been all about him. Then when he divulged he no longer wanted to be married, he claimed he had a mid-life crisis. They usually buy corvettes before they dump their wives. I read an article “Women who marry passive aggressive men” and it was how I was raised.
I always said I never wanted to marry anyone who reminded me of my dad and after 35 years he has shown all of my father’s uncaring attitude. I don’t know if you can wake up one day passive aggressive but that’s what it has seemed like.
It’s beginning to make more sense. Thanks for writing about this.
Heartbroken,
A real great book about why/how ‘we marry people much like one of our parents’ is, Getting the Love You Want
! It’s all about trying to fulfill ourselves in an area we were wronged or hurt, as children. We want our spouse to be this great parent which is unfair and an impossible task!
If, say, our dad was cold and indifferent we try, as a child, to get him to love us, thus, as an adult, we marry the same kind of man! We keep trying to get that love!! It is very “twisted” and I really do think there is a great deal of truth in this. It’s almost like we are uncomfortable with people who are too nice… they are unfamiliar territory! So we marry all wrong! Remember the ‘nice guy’ we wanted as a friend, but never considered marrying?! Just too nice!
There are some really great reviews from people who read this book…very educational personal stories. I hope you will check them out.
P.S. As I have written (and am glad you appreciate)…the Personality Disorders are RARELY looked at, by most of us, but they are rampant!