Only recently have I discovered the pervasiveness of “PD’s” in families. It has been only in recent years that the studies are surfacing for the average gal or guy…these disorders are rampant! Those of us who are in our fifties, and beyond, may have been born to a parent with PD or unknowingly, married one!! Many of these disorders show up in a person, as being cold, mean, uncaring, and capable of little or no emotion. Hmmm, this pretty much describes my Ex!
When I read some of the posts, made by VN ladies, with titles like: “A cold, heartless husband…”, “My husband doesn’t care…”, “Hubby wants to sleep alone…” “Living alone, together”, etc… I am struck by how these descriptions parallel the descriptions in books on “Asperger’s Syndrome”, “Narcissism”, “Obsessive-compulsive disorder”, and others.
Some of the characteristics of Asperger’s are the lack of social competence (although “Aspie’s” can mimic sociability), sincerity, a very limited ability for real intimacy, poor emotional self-awareness and a lack of overall emotional intelligence. These same people have an uncanny ability to focus on one subject (computers, sports, their job, a hobby, train schedules (!) etc.) They have extreme difficulty with reciprocating in an intimate relationship. Conversations are very one sided because they are always right! Sexually, they can be very high functioning or as cold as a stone. Does this sound like anyone you know?
It is important to know that people with these disorders are on a completely different ‘wave length, from most of us, and CANNOT relate to a ‘neurotypical’ personality, e.g., one who is capable of INTUITIVELY understanding social situations. The Aspie individual is totally lacking in intuition, basically, their inner life is like a Martian landscape! The only way they can blend with “normal” folks is to learn to mimic behavior, but many of them fall short because nurturing/caring is so lacking. Oddly enough, they are often attractive and above average in intelligence! A great book on this subject is: “22 Things a Woman Must Know: If she’s Married to a Man With Asperger’s”. There are many others that are excellent on this subject.
The Narcissist PD is very similar, in many ways, but is an even colder “breed”. They are much more manipulative and SELF SERVING…”It’s all about me!” would be very appropriate in describing their behavior.
Well, I must close since this post is way too long! I’ll have to wait another time to delve into some of the other PD’s!
I think just knowing this is healing, otherwise, the heartache is so magnified! I hope this sheds some light for someone ‘out there’!