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Grown kids vs boyfriend Hot Conversation

I’ve been living with a wonderful guy for nine years (I’m 57, he’s 65) and we get along great as long as I don’t ask him to socialize with my friends or my grown children who live in another state. He’s happy being a reclusive bookworm. He’s met my kids once or twice when we’ve gone to visit but I’ve never pushed the whole family thing that much.

So this year my son, 32 & single, said he wanted to come down for Christmas. He hasn’t had much money in the past but he’s working again. So I told my BF that my son wanted to come and I was excited about having an actual family gathering for Christmas for a change.

Well, he started ranting because he never thought it was right when my son got a permanent lay off from his job and collected unemployment for a year and a half and golfed instead of looking for a job. Ok – I know that’s wrong too – I never said my son was perfect.

As it stands now, BF said if I wanted my son to stay here for Christmas he would go on a trip somewhere because he wouldn’t be able to hold his tongue.

I thought I could actually have a nice sort of family Christmas this year and now this. Am I wrong to be upset?

 

Posted in family & relationships.

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18 Responses

  1. Generic Image SIZZELN says

    Hey vk53, Just my opinion, it’s none of your BFs’ business, your son was not living off of him or you! When you work I believe we pay into the system. Applying for work is online, so no need to go into places and ask, they tell you to email your application. What BF wants is you, no children, not even if grown. It’s up tp you to either let him go vacationing or stay and support you, or have a life without you, your choice! Has BF had words with your children to his belittlement, or rudeness to him? This is not the first time this has come up on VN. Tricky situation. Make sure he does not think he owns you and you can not make a decision without his approval. And he can hold his tongue, he doesn’t want to, difference! Hope this works out…TRACK 

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    • dynamomma dynamomma says

      Hey TRACK:  Layed it on the line with expertise.  It’s easy to get along great with anybody as long as you don’t ask or expect anything in return, right?

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      • Generic Image SIZZELN says

        MOrning My dear, It is what it is, and you are never disappointed!…TRACK

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  2. Sunblossom Sunblossom says

    After 9 years it is as much your home as his…..I have been living with someone for 7 years…..there would be no question that my kids as well as his (we have 7 total) always have a bed and/or sanctuary where we now live together…and I keep the spare bedroom clean with fresh sheets just in case someone wants to come in from out of town and stay…..it is my opinion that his opinion about your son’s behavior regarding his job is a totally different subject to be discussed another day….just because a person does not make a good choice once in a while does not deem them unworthy of getting to know their other qualities or condemn them to a hotel….perhaps your live-in is actually afraid your son won’t like him and this is his “out”….it seems to me there is something more going on here, just from your brief description….I think his response seems somewhat childish….”if I don’t get my way, I’m just going to run away”…why would he want to ruin your Christmas this way???  I would go ahead and make the plans to suit me and my son, and let him do whatever he wants…it will probably be more pleasant without him anyway…..

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  3. Lynnette Lynnette says

    You BF is a selfish man, just like mine.  But i finally put a stop to his games and manipulation.  Call him on his bluff, tell him that it is ok w/you if he takes a vacation.  Then make plans w/your son to spend Xmas together.  You must speak for yourself and don’t let this man rule your life completely.  I did that for fear of i do not know what.  To this day i ask myself the same thing.  This type of person wants you there for himself, for you not to have any friends and even family threatens him.  Why can’t we just see it for what it is? 

    M A N I P U L A T I O N!

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  4. Vonnie Kennedy Vonnie Kennedy says

    You are all pretty right about this. There is more going on, I just don’t want to admit it I suppose. On one hand, he’s fine with me going out socially with friends and visiting my family as long but he doesn’t go with me. He did go to a family reunion once and was very good I must say. However, I think I tell him too many things. I also have a daughter who I’ve written about on another post. Bottomline – she’s not very nice but she’d really have to do something very criminal before I’d cut it off with her completely. But, because she’s upset me and hurt me so many times that he told me he never wants to see her again. Meanwhile, she and I have made up, although, I’m finally learning to keep things very light between us.

    But, I disgress, basically BF has one friend, he’s retired and I still work so he relies on me mostly of the time to be his contact to the outside world. He’s perfectly happy to read his newspapers online, read books and watch TV. We do go on vacations, go out together, movies, dinner, etc. but it’s always the two of us. Frankly, I get tired of talking about my work and my friends. He loves to debate with me about what everybody is doing wrong and I end up defending them even when I don’t really want to just because he gets me stirs up.

    But all-in-all he is very good to me, we split bills down the middle but he often pitches in more. I can be very emotional at times and have a problem with depression (I’m on ADs) but he’s always there to for me when I have a bad days, probably more than either of my kids would be. But sometimes I feel the pressure of being the only person he cares about in the world. He has a son he hasn’t spoken to in three years because over money issues.

    Lynette – I believe it is manulation. My ex was the same way – holding grudges, not liking my side of the family, etc. I’m beginning to think I don’t know how to pick ‘em. But do I want to be alone???

     

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    • Generic Image nms says

      Suggest you read DrRKG’s June 22nd blog post her on “Emotional Abuse Part 1″

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      • Vonnie Kennedy Vonnie Kennedy says

        Hi Namaste,

        I just finished the “emotional abuse” blog post and I was relieved to say thats not how it is for BF and me. He nevers berates me or yells at me. In fact, he encourages me because I tend to berate myself. He really treats me very well. The thing is – my daughter treats me like crap and he doesn’t like it and thinks I should stand up to her and I don’t. My son who is a sweet, gentle guy hasn’t always made the smartest choices in life and I’ve had to bail him out financially at times, so BF gets disgusted with those things. I’m sure I would react the same way if his kid did these things.

        I was so worried when Namaste referred me to that post because I really do care about BF very much despite his stubborness, but i was emotionally abused by my ex of 28 years and my current BF has really helped me “like” myself again and I think his frustration is that he wants to protect me from my kids rather than isolate me from them.

        Actually, that post has made me realize that I can’t have everything I want so if he wants to take a trip while my son is here than I should respect that.

        Do I sound brainwashed or am I just putting things in prospective? Just checking. :)

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      • Sunblossom Sunblossom says

        I am still concerned that he is making you “choose” between him and your children….that should not be……when it comes to issues between myself and my kids or the man I live with and his kids….we each let the other handle it and butt out…..I really don’t want to get too involved in his family squabbles (they are few and far between and never terribly serious)….they are his family dynamics….do I offer my opinion, yes, does he offer his opinion, yes, I ask it often, but if he doesn’t take it I don’t threaten to leave….I accept it as his choice on how he wants to handle his family business…my family business is mine, and his family business is his….sometimes kids hurt us, sometimes we hurt our kids, sometimes inadvertently….that is what happens in families, good families, as well as dysfunctional families…it is ok to feel the hurt, work through the issue and move forward, it is not up to him to hold that against your kids, to your detriment….in thinking a little more about this, it sounds from your post that he kind of “rescued” you and helped you like yourself again….and perhaps he did, but that doesn’t mean you owe him….and just because he treats you kindly doesn’t mean he is right about this issue..

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  5. dynamomma dynamomma says

    How can you get along great with anyone who basically asks you to deny your son and your friends?  I don’t know . . . just asking.

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  6. Vonnie Kennedy Vonnie Kennedy says

          I’ve thought about this issue alot over the last couple of days so I’m trying to less emotional than my first post. BF doesn’t ask me to deny my friends or family. In fact, I just got home from six days in NY to visit the family and he stayed home because he said he would just slow me down. In reality, I think he’s just not a family guy and even though he wouldn’t admit it, I think he’s shy with people. He doesn’t visit his family either (what he has left) so I don’t have any pressure there. I guess I just had the illusion of a nice family christmas thing around the tree but in reality I would want my daughter there too but my son doesn’t like her boyfriend but that’s a whole other story. Sometimes with families, you just can’t win. So it’s BF’s choice to go off on his own for Christmas but if that’s what he wants to do, I’ll just be with my son and call it good. Just to make it clear – he can be authoritative but I do stand up for myself and he actually says he’s glad I do that. He’s never been abusive in any way to me. We have our ups and down like everybody. In my first post I was just very disappointed about the whole thing and it was reminding me of life with my ex-husband. But BF is not like him at all other than being a “man” and he can really help that.

    I thank you all for being so caring and helpful. You are a very supportive group and you also make me stop and think and that’s a good thing especially during an emotional situation. I hope to be of help to you all someday.

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  7. Lynnette Lynnette says

    I tell my husband that issues with my son, are between my son and i.  I do not ask for his opinion because he is not the type to help w/a situation, if anything he will make it worse.  So, i tell him hands off.  Our relationship is between him and i, my son is not part of it.

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    • Vonnie Kennedy Vonnie Kennedy says

      Lynnette, I agree with you and I have to remember that. In the past, I’ve told him everything about my kids, when they hurt me, when they make me happy, etc. But it upsets him to hear about the things they do that hurt me. A few months ago, a good friend told me to stop telling BF everything for just the reasons I said in my other posts. I just have to learn to keep my mouth shut!! And come on VN and vent to you girls.

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      • Lynnette Lynnette says

        yes, do that.  But isn’t it ironic?  When it comes to his son, i am the one that solves all their problems.  And i do not mind, his son is a nice guy with two children stuck in a communist country.  I am investing time, money and sweat to get him to the USA.  He is a Chef and will do well here.   You would think just out of appreciation my DH would help me with mine, but nooooooooooo, that’s too hard.  So i tell him hands off, my son is my heart and since you cannot help, stay away from it.

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      • Vonnie Kennedy Vonnie Kennedy says

        Lynnette,

        I have to remember that last line you wrote – it’s a good one. I think there’s  an invisible imbilical cord that mothers have that keep them connected to their kids no matter how old or how far away they are. When I know my kids are going through something difficult, I can feel something tugging inside me. Dads don’t have that, unfortunately.

        How great of you to do what you can to help your step-son and to rise above the other stuff. You’re a good woman. Hope you can get he and his family over here soon.

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  8. enjoying new life enjoying new life says

    my brother inlaw.. who i have known for 30 years, is a GREAT fun guy.  But he can only take outside family for a little while.  my sister and all of us know it, respect it and love him dearly anyway.  As long as he is willing to let you do your own thing, let him do his own.  If he said your son couldnt come that would be one thing, but he said he could come, he would just go somewhere else.  No, not an ideal situation.  No, not what you wanted or dreamed of, but workable

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    • Vonnie Kennedy Vonnie Kennedy says

      You’re right, Enjoying…, and I was hoping for an ideal situation, however, since my last post, BF did say he will stay till after christmas now then leave if my son decides to stay a few days after so that’s a good compromise. Now I know why I love the guy. :)

      Thanks for your post.

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