Today’s Featured Comment
Forgiveness is crucial to my happiness. Anger and resentment against anyone (my husband, my parents, my boss) never hurts anyone except me. It certainly doesn’t hurt them. It eats away at my happiness, keeping me good and miserable.
The end result is that The Person I resent goes blithely on with his/her life while I get an ulcer from holding on to that core of anger and resentment boiling inside me. As long as I hold on to it, I give some of my power away to That Person. Or, to put it another way, I give That Person control over my happiness.
The only way to get that control back is to forgive That Person. But I don’t think of forgiveness as something I am doing for That Person. I am forgiving him/her to:
- get rid of that anger & resentment boiling away in the pit of my stomach and
- take back control of my happiness.
Chances are, That Person won’t know the difference one way or the other; my anger/resentment never really affected him/her. It all happened inside my head and in order to be free of it, I have to let it go.
The easiest way for me to forgive someone for a perceived wrong is to accept that That Person is who he/she is, acknowledge that I have no power to change who he/she is, and decide that the only person I do have the power to change is me. I can choose to forgive That Person for being who he/she is, to forgive myself for allowing That Person to take my power away, and to take back that power and MOVE ON.
That is the forgiveness that sets me free – and That Person never even needs to know about it!
[This comment was originally posted in this conversation. ~ Eds.]
Why do you forgive?
I had to chuckle because misery loves company! I've been in a funk for days now. I call all these types of things "the mosquitos" of life. It's like one more thing and you're going to pull the trigger. What I hate and this seems to apply to m
Oh my gosh! I felt your inner pain ... and I apologize for the fact that when I got to the part about setting your hair on fire, I laughed. I'm so glad you weren't hurt, and hair grows back. Perhaps a new hair-do would not only rectify the situation 
There is no such thing as a legal separation in my state..The only way I can get husband out of the house is to force him out..He refuses to leave..I would have to file for divorce and get temporary orders including a restraining order..
I feel so
I agree and understand. The only problem is….I don’t know how to do it. I need to forgive a whole church….after 7 years, it is still painful.
Alicia,
I am a recovered ######. It has taken me a lifetime, but stick wit it. You wll lose your feelings of betrayal. I have heard that religions are for people who afraid of hell, and that spirituality is for people who have been there. I call myself a spiritual person, and one reason is that within myself, I found I was able to leave my church and religion behind, Best of wishes in your forgiveness quest! Don’t give up.
Forgiveness is one of the most powerful things we can do for ourselves…and it can be hard. It’s easy to think that forgiving means saying that what happened doesn’t matter.
Forgiving is saying that you are not going to let what happened in the past to contaminate your future. To the extent that you do not forgive is the extent to which you continue to allow them to have power in your life. The pain is a cry for love and forgiveness is a way to really love yourself. If you want to be liberated from the past do whatever it takes to learn the gift of forgiveness.
I freely and fully forgive_____for_________.
This is a good place to start Radical Forgiveness.
WaterMusic, (I have heard your waves). I am in the throes of anger, hatred, disgust, all of the horrible thieves of my joy; my happiness. This conversation was one I happened on by mistake. I hit the wrong key. Did I? I recently talked on FB about coincidence, and one of my sisters told me the Celestial Prophecy says it exists and it dosen’t. It depends on the recipient. Forgivness truly is one of the most difficult hurdles to jump. And why? When it causes me so much pain. When I have a headache, I treat it, when I burn my finger cooking, I apply aloe. And yet I allow this anger to zap the most precious stuff I have. Peace. My thanks to whom/what ever made me press the “wrong” key and pull up this thread. It has empowered me to take those spiritual steps climbing to forgivness. I already feel lighter. But, I must ask, when we forgive, does that translate into allowing the person we are forgiving back into our lives?
“But, I must ask, when we forgive, does that translate into allowing the person we are forgiving back into our lives?”
They are still in our lives in the absence of forgiveness. If you really want them out of your life, try forgiveness.
Then what is a good question. I think it depends on the person and their actions. If they have made amends and you want them back, great. I don’t think forgiveness means that everything is fine let’s be friends again. I think it just discharges the negative emotional energy, so you can make a healthier choice for yourself. Boundaries are a good thing.
That said, I work with someone who threw me under the bus. That’s what she does, she throws people under the bus. She looks for weaknesses to exploit.I have to continually forgive her because she’s around everyday. However, I wouldn’t trust her as far as I could spit because I see her doing the same thing over and over again. She is someone I feed with a long handled spoon. A friend of hers I work with suggested I should be more tolerant and forgiving. In her mind that translates into be nice. Like I said, boundaries are good things.
You know, it’s your life. You don’t have to have anyone in your life that you don’t want to.
I agree forgiveness is crucial to our happiness. But its not easy, and I believe, often misunderstood. We know in our heads that it sets us free so we decide to ‘forgive’ someone, but without doing all of the hard emotional work that goes along with forgiveness. We need to first FEEL the hurt, anger, whatever emotion we need to feel. and for however long it takes. Ive had to feel anger for years before finally, forgiveness came. If we dont feel the emotions first, the ‘forgiveness’ is false and all we are really doing is hiding our true feelings. Sometimes its hard to let go but allowing our selves to feel and honor our emotions is a crucial first step.
Imagine trying to forgive 300 people…..1 person is difficult enough…..a whole church who votes you out of membership with your name put on a huge screen (3 times on your birthday) followed by the words, “Conduct Unbecoming a Child of God.” I also feel betrayed by my family who still go there….
Oh Alicia that is a hard one..so terrible..and so wrong, what they did. What often helped me was knowing that the person(s) I needed to forgive was actually just..pathetic..in their actions, in their inabilities, etc. Ive also learned forgiving doesnt mean what they did was right and it doesnt mean I want to be around them and they usually dont deserve to have me/us around them! It’s just a letting go..good therapy helps. I’m so sorry that happened to you
Thank you, Amy…you are very kind. I have a web site because of what happened (over 20,000 hits)….I went to therapy and my “angel” therapist journeed with me for the `18 mos. in which I fought the spiritual abuse. Unfortunately no one and noting can help me heal from this. There are some wounds I/we find a way to live with.
This on the heels of getting a divorce after 36 years of abuse
However, I have taken the ashes of my life and done something positive. I am a freshman at age 65, because I wrote about my lifetime of overcoming, won a scholarship. I have written my memoir and a poetry book, Sanctuary of the Soul. My endorsements are like exquisite jewels: Elie Wiesel, Wayne Dyer, Nikki Giovanni, Drs. Alice Miller, Larry Dossey (14 in all).
THank for your loving thougtss, Amy!
Sincerely, Alicia
I respectfully disagree. All the major and great spiritual teachers speak of the value of forgiveness. They can’t all be wrong. I agree with Amy that you have to feel the anger and hurt first and it takes as long as it takes. However, it is vital for all of our sakes that we continue to do the work of forgiveness and not continue to live the same story over and over again. Isn’t it time to create a new groove and new way of being?
Hanging on to past hurts and abuses serve our egos and the need to be important. No one is suggesting that those stories not be told. We help pave the way for others with our stories, but those stories have much more power when they include what the process and resulting peace of forgiveness.
WaterMusic…I, too, respectfuly disagree. On the wings of freedom I felt when I forgave my husband for dying. How in the world could I have forgotten that? He died, in my arms, in 1997, and I went through all of the textbook shit. I had a wonderful therapist, but I didn’t overcome the anger at him for leaving me at age 51, until 5 yrs. ago. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say I didn’t remember the anger because the elation, the peace of forgiveness, made it all disappear. Kind of like birthing a child. You don’t remember the pain. Only the glory in surviving it and reveling in what the pain produced.
It isn’t that I am hanging on or want these feelings. I cannot make them go away just by wanting. “I will leave my past alone, when it leaves me alone.” Believe me suffering is NOT my thing. I continue to be busy with work and school, but the past is still present…just like healing from 36 years of abuse…a journey. I know that no one can understand the damage done by spiritual abuse;it is something that goes deep to the soul for so many reasons. I was fortunate to find a therapist who specializes in spiritual abuse (rare)
Try something a little different, a visualization. There are 2 that come to mind in this situation:
1. Anger (red) comes at us at the solar plexus level, we see it as an arrow. Your protection turns it around to return it to source. You MUST add white (spirit) to it as it returns. That creates pink which is the color of love. You have returned love for anger.
Adding your good intent helps. But even when you can’t using just the colors works.
2. Picture a purple balloon in which you place your object of hurt. (In your case I would picture the church building as doing one person at a time would be unweildy). Then picture a second purple balloon in which you place yourself well and whole. The balloons are joined by an silver umbilical cord. A pair of golden scissors appears to cut the cords that bind you. You see the object of your fears and angers float away. Color works long before our minds can heal a situation.
Great Post on Forgiveness ! Not forgiving is like drinking poison and expecting others to suffer. They have long forgotten you and your situation but you choose to keep it alive in your own mind. Forgiveness is not about them but for you!
Respond to Barbara Elaine Singer.
Not forgiving is like drinking poison and expecting others to suffer.
Well, the only way for those who inflict pain on others is for them to taste their own medicine! If by forgiving them for their deeds we allow them to continue to do what they do than they become better and better at this game and learn nothing. Once they are allowed to take a finger from our hand than shortly after they want our whole hand. Best better yet they are the once who continuously ask for forgiveness from others. Do not inflict a pain on others if you do not want to feel the pain. Do not do crime if you do not want to serve the time. I was always amazed by this forgiving but what it is we are asked to forgive?
Vera, I am sorry you are hurting. My thoughts are only given to you out of caring and love.
Forgiving has very little to do with the other person but it is for you, so you can recover and move on. Forgiving does not mean that you forgive the deed and what another did wasn’t absolutely wrong and undeserving. You are forgiving the person but that does not mean that you have to “keep going back for more.” Forgiving cuts the cord that keeps you tied to the feelings of pain and agony. You get to decide if it’s a deal breaker and whether or not you want to have them in your life. You don’t even need to tell them anything. It’s all in your mind.
You certainly don’t get to control how retribution gets distributed. Hating and anger toward another does not mean that they will feel a thing or even recognize it. By forgiving, you stop taking the role of victim and take back your power. You no longer have to relive it in your mind. What they did is all about them -their insecurities, their small mindedness and their sick cruelty.
In the throws of a divorce, my former husband would push all my buttons and told me how I would fall on face and I couldn’t “make it without him” and how poor I was going to be. My fears, anxiety and resentment toward him were threw the roof. Then, one day, right in the middle of mediation, I just unplugged all the power I was making his words have over me and started laughing. Just because he said them, didn’t mean that they were true. His words were ridiculous. How did he know what was going to happen to me? Once he realized I thought he was a joke, the brow beatings stopped. He lost his power over me. I forgave him for saying hateful things that’s hurt me. He is still not my favorite person, but now when I see him at family events, he doesn’t even get a rise out of me, because he is the one who lost out.
I wish this disconnect for you!
Sometimes I think not forgiving is our way of protecting ourselves from ever going back to that place again. If we truly forgive, then we break the barrier between ourselves and the hurt. And when the barrier of anger and resentment is gone…there is nothing left standing between us and the possibility of more hurt. We are vulnerable when we forgive.
Amd sometimes, it’s just easier to do the old Scarlett O’Hara thing…”I’ll just think about that tomorrow.” and then don’t.
I completely get that. Our fear is that forgiving means that what they did doesn’t matter, it lets them off the hook. We are safe as long as we remember how badly they treated us. How foolish to think that our fear will keep us safe. It’s either fear or love, baby. ( I swear I’m going to make that a bumper sticker.”)
I like this quote: “I will let go of the past, when it lets go of me.”
I was not a great Mother when my children were in their teens. I have apologized for this numerous times and have tried to make up for this for the last 20 years of their lives. My daughters are 35 and 38 years of age. The youngest one has ben seeing a new psycholigist and now she has decided again to kick me out of her life. This is killing me and my husband (who is not their Father) as we have a new grandson who is only 14 months old and that we worship. Our granddaughter is 14 years old and needs us. This daughter has always had an anger issue. She is very controlling and keeps a firm thumb on her family. She has blocked our phone calls, e-mails and forbidden us to come to their house. We moved to be closer to them at her request 1 1/2 years ago. As I mentioned this has happened before and I don’t think my heart can take anymore. She has forgiven me several times than gets mad at me if I don’t agree with everything she does. How do you let a child go? My husband feels that if we continue to allow her to seesaw how will we know when she will kick us out of her life again? It seems that whenever she gets a new Dr. she is told to write letters to the people that she thinks has wronged her. This could go on for the rest of my life! Any suggestions?
Grieving Mother
BB, we all make mistakes as parents. Is there a way that you can get a family friend or a close relative to talk to your daughter and request that the two of you meet with a mediator. It may be many years in the future, but I can guarantee that your daughter will one day regret her decision to cut ties with you. I have seen this happen with friends who were so sure they were doing the right thing. There is only one circumstance under which I believe it is definitely healthy to cut all ties from family, and that is where abuse was involved. But you can try to write a letter through another family member asking your daughter if you can move forward from here. You can’t change the past, it is gone and done, but you can alter your future by choices you make now. Peace between two people is never the wrong choice. I wish you the best of luck, BB.
Regarding the quote,“I will let go of the past, when it lets go of me.”
The past will never let go of you until you let go of it, because it has not power. The past has no power except what you give it. Neither does an event. We must recognize when our ego is bowing up and getting all defensive and when the Universe is giving us a chance to to choose again using our heart, not our head.
I now say, The death of Tom, my fiancé, was the worst and the best thing that ever happened to me. At first that may seem harsh, but I look at it this way. The worst, because I lost my love, my soft place to fall and my future. The best, because it lit a first under my chair that if I have dream or a goal, I better move on it right now, because it could be game over any day and I don’t get to choose the day. It also “lowered my wall of resistance to change to a crack in the sidewalk.” It made me fearless because in my mind the worst thing that could happen, already has and it didn’t kill me. I am still here. It gave me confidence to make changes. Life’s events can inspire you to move forward or stop you dead in your tracks. Let the past in the past. You can’t start a new chapter when you keep re reading the last one. The beauty is ,,, you get to choose.
I couldn’t agree more. The problem with that quote is that is keeps you stuck. At some point we must decide to grow and move forward in our lives. That can begin by simply asking, what else could this mean.
The common denominator of all spiritual traditions is compassion. Jean Yves Leloup said that the discerning factor for spiritual growth is this, “Am I growing in compassion?” That means compassion for those who have hurt us most of all. This is not an act of will, it is surrender to Spirit.
Where am I unloving and what do I gain from it are good places to start having an honest conversation with yourself.
The question is whose behaviour is unbecoming of a child of
God? Is it really you, or is it those locked in the throes of judgment. Is is not Judge not that is a crucible in religion’s edict. It is I who must forgive ME for what I did not know. It is said one does not know what one does not know. SO that means until it is time to know on is blind. The only cure for that would be to have “known sooner” which is impossible. SO all in all it is what it is until it is different and the only thing to do is float above it, otherwise “it” will sink you. Here the Buddhists really have it nailed.
I “forgive” me for not having the self-esteem, idea of self-worth, that would have allowed to me float above the frey.
It is not I who is punished, it is everyone in contact with the “abuser/s”. The person who moves in my place does not necessarily receive better treatment, they may simply have different coping skills, a higher tolerance for …..
It is MY job to keep MY self-worth at a very high level. It is my duty to set boundaries and respect them. I must respect my boundaries and not move them at someone else’s whim. It is my duty to be compassionate and not sympathetic. It is to my benefit to remember “it takes 5000 ‘ataboy/girl’ to undo one churlish comment to a child/friend/parent/mate, because once they are gone– they are gone” Dr. Phil.
One of my favorite quotes about the power of forgiveness comes from Paul Boese, a Kansas writer who had some things published in the 1960′s:
“Forgiveness does not change the past but it does enlarge the future.”
Paul Boese, Quote magazine (1967)
Forgive and Forget. Forgive the person hate the crime? Some things are unforgivable, if you are dishing out simple little sayings and quotes, to encourage some one to forgive. then you have never had any really big thing to get over.
Sorry to disappoint, unsuccessful marriages, physical/mental abuse, stalked, baby kidnapping threat, cancer, death of parent, alienation from sibling, raised son alone, best friend rejected me after 25 years. Where is the end? Where ever I put it and I put it here now every day. Some days are more successful, and “pithy sayings usually have a modicum of truth”. What makes you so bitter about my comment?? When will your bitterness end? DO you know that bitterness exists on you?? Thanks for the notation.
I am not bitter about your comment, I am sick of all the easy peasy suggestions. Just happens that I commented after u
Reading this made me think back to a story I heard once.
Two monks are walking very far. They have a long journey to reach their destination. The older monk (teacher) is leading the way and the younger monk (his student) has taken a vow of silence.
After having walked for days and feeling exhausted the two monks come to a river that they must cross. At the river bank they encounter a hysterical woman. She is yelling and screaming at them and complaining about how horrible it is that she has to cross the river.
The older monk picks up the woman and carries her across the river. The younger monk looks distressed, but maintains his vow. Once they got across the river they put the woman down and continued on their way.
Two days later the younger monk broke his vow of silence. “Teacher, why did you carry that hysterical woman across the river. She did not appreciate your gesture. She was unkind and cruel.”
The older monk looked at his student and said “Why I carried that woman across the river does not matter. What we really need to understand is why you still carry her now.”
Bottom line, for me, at least,is Yes, we must forgive to free ourselves..that is THE reason to forgive. However, it is NOT easy..it is hard and often takes time..trying to push it on someone or talk them into it will only increase resistance. Listening to them and accepting where they are in the forgiveness process is what helps them to move on to the next step and to eventually let go. Trying to push them into forgiveness when they are not ready is not loving or compassionate.
I know a couple of things for sure. We must practice forgiveness and it’s really hard, but however hard it is we must at least commit to moving in that direction. Unforgiveness is toxic. Whatever was done to you is done. It’s like stabbing yourself in the gut with a rusty knife over and over again. Forgiveness is tough row to hoe, but it still needs doing.
I dated a man a few years ago who was a doll except for the anger he felt toward his ex wife. I eventually backed away from that relationship because he simply wasn’t available as long as he remained locked in anger at her, ie unforgiving. She was always with us one way or another. I felt like a 3rd wheel. All that is to say that you damage your current relationships when you can’t forgive the past.
One more thing, all of us are over a certain age. We all have a story, we all have struggled with something. Just because we have worked through it doesn’t mean it didn’t exist. You don’t know my glory if you don’t know my story, honey. Don’t be so quick to dismiss someone as not understanding or really not having had anything big to forgive because they talk about the power of forgiveness. No one on this site has a monopoly on a damn thing, not sorrow and not wisdom. If we can’t listen and learn from each other what’s the point.
I understand the statement that to forgive is to open yourself up to the same thing happening again, or letting the person off the hook and allow them to hurt you again. That is what I have been struggling with for nearly a year after my husband admitted to cheating on me. I am doing better. I feel my heart is finally starting to heal, but there are times the hurt just wells up and I’m back where I started. Stunned, devastated. When I least expect it. Maybe even when he is holding me in his arms. I’m just not there yet.
I totally agree with everything you just said. I didnt mean to give the impression that I was dismissing, I was only coming from my own story. I was in a hurry when I wrote that, prob not a good idea on this subject
For me, it took someone not trying to ‘change me’ for me to be able and willing to let go..I was just trying to share that, to share that is was the love and compassion I felt when someone totally acknowledged and accepted how pissed I was and that it was okay to be that way that helped me to forgive. I am all for tips on how to forgive and I absolutely believe in listening and learning from others…and I know that those tips are given because of having had something big to forgive. And I certainly dont think I have a monopoly on anything, esp wisdom..
It has taken me 15 yrs of hard work to forgive my mother..and someone listening to my story with a big open heart and allowing me to be mad for however long I (or more correctly, my ego) needed to be..and finally, forgiveness, or a letting go, came. Maybe my ego is just more stubborn than most
What has made forgiveness hard for me is when I don’t want to or haven’t talked it through with someone. I wonder if we don’t have to go through a grieving process as part of forgiveness. And it seems an ongoing process with some people I need to forgive. I think I’ve forgiven them and something happens that triggers that wound and I have to do it again. I’ve noticed that I am less inclined to forgive someone when I think they will hurt me again or when I don’t like that they rest of the world can’t see what they’ve done. It seems like some people can behave as badly as they want and come out smelling like roses. I’m not suggesting we bring back the scarlet letter, but I see the appeal. This is something I have to really work at. It does not come easily. OTHO, I am reminded of the times that I have been forgiven and how important that is it me.
Two notes of information: 1) “they” do not have skills to treat anyone differently than “they” treated you. This (usually) tames the jealousy I feel and threats it with reason. 2) “they” cannot do it to you again without your permission. Keep your power and “they” will be disabled and therefore unable to repeat the offence with you.
“Does not mean that you have to keep going back for more.”
That’s without a doubt, I agree. How ever to take what ever one is served with either! Some people just do not want to get that. It is a vicious circle. Every one is here to learn their lessons. Do not do the crime if you do not want to serve the time. I am not inclined towards the 22 catch! The biblical saying is – do give him a bread and he will throw you a rock. Do the devil good and with a hell he will pay you back. You did not give you shall not take!
Well Water Music, as usual you have all the answers. Honey! I guess I can say what i want too. Or is it better to just agree and be friends and be nice
no, nice=doormat. no one will know what you stand for or against, not even you. Note to self: boundaries required.
Just wanted to say that I found this site a few months ago and although I have posted a few times, I generally “lurk.” I find this site incredibly empowering and inspirational. This discussion on forgiveness contains some genuine pearls of wisdom. I am struggling on the forgiveness front. I agree with Water Music that working towards forgiveness begins with a grieving process. In fact, I had that very thought this past week as I work through some things. So much of it feels like grief right now. I am blessed to have several very dear woman friends who I can talk to, share with, and who are extending me a great deal of grace right now. I don’t want to dump, but I need to talk it out with them.
Anyhoo…love this site. It’s good for me to sit back, read, soak it in, and reflect, sift through the information and sharing. I’ve learned so much and value the voices, wisdom, points of view, and support.
I just wanted to say that! And…I am making some progress on a few fronts. I’ll share more when I’m in a more comfortable place with it.
Forgiveness isn’t as much about absolving the other person of their wrongdoing. It’s more about the releasing of your emotional angst, anger and sorrow. When you hold things in, you are only hurting yourself. Forgiving is not forgetting. But, you will always want to honor yourself by taking the high road and being more mature and savy with the depletion of your emotional reserves. In other words, it’s usually not worth your time or strength to harbor resentment. There are better things ahead for you to concentrate on. Keep your eye on the future.
Well said, MrsB
Absolutely, without doing the work to come to terms with … whatever…. there is no energy for new experiences, thoughts, etc. to enter. The being is consumed and depleted of energy for anything new,
Had come to the terms with it! I am glad that I no longer have to deal with such a society. To look for a new? What for? Just to find the same thing in a deferent wrapper? No. Thank you. I see a no point of doing that.