I hate to be a whiney mom and grandmom but I just need to vent. My son (only child-boy) seems like he and his family want nothing to do with me. My second husband died 2 years ago…..first one left for someone else. So my second husband practically raised my son. After the death his family was wonderful to me for about a week. Then it was like they all went back into their caves and I had to beg for my son (or any of them to do anything for me) so I just stopped and started paying people to do things for me. This was hard because my husband left about enough insurance to bury him. I am 69-70 in Feb. have benign tremors in both hands, and throat. Arthritis anxiety and bladder problems. I rely on my Social Security and a small pension my husband left me. I worked all my life and I thought that at this time in my life I could sit back, relax and not worry. WRONG! I am so lonely!! I try to go during the day (when I feel well) but at night it’s a different story. Just reading or TV. No phone calls and definitely no calls or e-mails from my son or any of his family. I’ve tried to think up things to talk about if they call or stop over but they’re never on the phone or here long enough for any bonding to take place. My grandchildren are now 29 and 23 and I know everyone has their own lives but what’s so hard about picking up the phone and saying, “Hi grandma (or mom) just thought I’d call and say, “”Hi”" and see how you’re doing.” No invitations unless I ask to go, which I’ve stopped. I’m sorry this is so long but this is just half of it and I didn’t want to bore anyone. One thing before I end this…. I was always a “hands on” grandma…..church, movies, bus trips, etc. but it seems like everything my son and I did together when we were on our own or I did with the grandchildren has been forgotten and the loneliness is seems to be the only thing I feel these days.
Thanks for listening.
There was no feelings of attack or feelings of anger when I wrote my reply to you. Just stated how I feel about people I find toxic.
You can read into it whatever you like, but with the written word there is no body language, inflections, or an
Dear lonely grandma:
You are not alone in this one. I am glad for your post. I have a son and a daughter. Son is married with 1 daughter (15 months) and he never calls me unless he needs a babysitter. Son and wife are closer to the wife’s parents and since we all live in the same town, I am just the “spare” babysitter. I know they spend way more time at her parents’ place. My daughter in law is a super person and an only child so her parents dot on her and my son and the grand daughter. When I separated from my ex 6 months ago, I was hoping to get some kind of support from them but I never did. Never a phone call to say (how are you holding up mom? ), never an invitation for dinner and so on. If I do not invite them for dinners, I do not see them even though they live less than a 10 mins drive from my house.
I feel very alone just like you. Very sad really when you think of how much you have done for the kids from baby till they move out and they feel they do not owe you anything. I am feeling the need to move closer to my own family ie my sisters so I can have some kind of a family support. My daughter is 23 so she has her own life. I feel abandoned by the kids in the point in my life when I need them the most. I am OK now because I finally realize that I have to look after myself now and not to count on them at all for anything.
Hi NanaP,
I’m so sorry that your family are kind of forgetting that you’re still here! They as you said have their on lives, and forget we need some of their time also, what we have to do then is make some new friends, if you have a church you go to or if not try to find one, you’d be surprised how many young people that are in church need a “Grandma” if only at church, they will talk to you on Facebook also, and if when your family does call or come by you’ll have something positive to talk with them about, that may make them want to stay and spend more time with you when you have a broader range of things to talk about, or you could join the Y and meet new people that way or if able to, you could even volunteer your time at say the nearest Hospital or Hospice centerL. Good luck, and may God bless you!
Hi Dotty:
I do have a full time job and I am a young grandma at age 52 and it is the evenings and weekends that get boring at times. I am trying to reinvent myself. I do have friends and what I really wanted to bring the point across is that when a son gets married, he tends to be closer to the wife’s family if they live in the same area.
It was just a bit tough in the first few months of the separation when I felt deserted by my own kids. I could not even talk about anything about the separation to both kids. Both do not want to hear about it. Hey I no longer feel sorry for myself. Bot kids have clearly opened my eyes to the fact that I need to move on with my own life and not think too much about them or worry too much about them cos they are adults now and no longer need mom.
I have friends to go out with. When I feel like entertaining my son and his family, I call them over for dinner.
About volunteering, I will be doing that soon. Definitely in the process of creating a “new” life for sure and having fun
Thank you so much for answering me. I’m finding out that I’m not alone. By the way my son lives about 5 miles from me and my granddaughter lives about 4. The only one who lives a little further away is my grandson but he is better to me than the rest. He is in law school so I can’t expect him to do a lot but he does call me, unlike all the others.
God bless you.
I’m sorry that you are going through this. But the bottom line is, that many of our children are insensitive, self absorbed, and self centered. It’s all about them.
Try and find a new meaning in life for yourself. Volunteer at a local hospital or food pantry. Do anything other than sitting home and feeling sorry for yourself. It isn’t productive, it’s destructive. Go create your “new” life, and have fun….
Have you heard that old adage, A daughter is a daughter all her life, but a son is a son till he takes a wife. Funny how these old sayings are so true. We very seldom see our son now that he is married but I know they go to her parents quite often. Took me a while and a lot of observation of the people around me but that just seems to be the way it is and there is really no use railing against it. My husband gets very annoyed and says that they are quick to call us when they need some kind of help but otherwise they are living their own lives.
Ok then, the door swings both ways and now we have been actively pursuing our own lives and interests and sometimes we are just not available to jump at a moment’s notice.
LG I don’t know if you live in a house or an apartment but, if I were you, I would be moving somewhere that the upkeep was done for me. A house is fine as long as you are able to take care of it yourself but it gets very pricy to hire people to fix things especially as you are on a limited budget. An apartment or condo if you can afford one is so much easier to manage for a single person. And churches are wonderful places to find other women who are widowed and willing to go out for a coffee or lunch.
Cat and Arden, thank you also for answering me. Yes, our children are very insensitive and don’t think of anybody but themselves. My late husband used to get upset also about my feelings on this subject. But now since I’m alone, I’m worse with these feelings. However, your suggestions were wonderful. I do a lot of church work and that helps take up some of my time. Also, I do go out with friends for lunch and that is wonderful because most of them are widows and we talk about a lot of our efforts to learn things we didn’t know before and we’re proud because we do things. I guess it’s the loneliness of the evenings. I know when I get a phone call from my son or any of his family, my evening is so great.
Thanks and God bless you.
Lonely grandma:
I know you mentioned that you stopped calling them. I have to share with you that you should not stop calling…… just to check in every sunday or every other sunday to see what is happening in everyone life.
I used to get those weekly phone calls from grandma and I truly miss them now that she is gone. in addition, the kids miss talking to her weekly as well.
She always invited everyone over for the holidays along with some of her friends from church who were usually about 20 years or so younger than her. Keep reaching out to your family but also build some new friendships for yourself.
As young people get older they start to appreciate the knowledge and wisdom that comes with age. i.e, grandparents.
Dear Lovely,
Thank you for your thoughts. You are right. This life is so short and I sometimes let my emotions get ahead of my good sense. I would feel devastated if anything would happen to any of them. My son means the world to me and I love them all. I’ve never been able to get close to my daughter-in-law though. She had an erratic childhood and doesn’t like to be hugged, etc. So I give her her space and we are kind of like good friends. Her parents are both dead and I’d love to be closer but I don’t say anything.
I did go over to their home the other night just to see them and he must have felt guilty because when I said I was just stopping by for a few minutes to see them, he completely lost it. He was cursing and yelling at me and telling me he had all he could handle with his job and the 2 rental homes he purchased and when he got off the phone when work was done he just didn’t feel like talking to anybody.
Thank God I didn’t cry because he hates that. I said practically nothing and his wife talked to me a little. As quickly as he had gotten mad, he started to get better. By the time I left, it was just like a regular visit like I had planned. However, I learned that I will not get myself worked up and worried about him not calling again, and once in awhile I will call them even though he sounds like he doesn’t want to talk.
I think he is depressed and stressed and should have that checked out but no way was I going to say anything. So I kind of have a peace about it now and know IT IS WHAT IT IS and nothing is going to change it. I have plenty of friends (both younger and older) and they treat me well and feel like I’m both respected and really liked by them so I have to be satisfied with that.
Thanks again.
I speak up with my kids if I feel they talk to me in a rude way – it’s not acceptable and I also speak up if I sense they are not doing well – they may not follow my advice but I sleep in peace – I would never want them to tell me “why didn”t you say something if you sensed I was at the end of my rope, sick, etc.” I always call beforehand if I want to stop by and I expect the same in return.
Have you considered sharing expenses with a housemate? That seems to be getting more and more common, and it does make sense for some people. After all, sharing an apartment when we’re young is fun and satisfying, so I suppose it would be just as pleasant when we’re older and alone as well. If that is something that seems a bit attractive, keep your ears open at church for others who may be alone and on a tight budget. Or not.
It’s good that you have friends, but I am so sorry your son and dil are not attentive. It seems that our generation is finding ourselves being their for our kids and our parents, only to find as we age that our kids are unwilling to be there for us.
Have you considered joining a social or community group, bridge club or whatever to help fill your evenings? Or classes at a local community or art center? I’m thinking that since evenings are when you get lonely, perhaps a group with evening events will be helpful. Or a new hobby – arts, crafts, cooking classes, who knows?
I know nothing substitutes for the attention of family, but anything that brings some sparkle to life may help those long evenings pass more happily, I hope.
Even more activities during the day – I swim 2 or 3 days a week, I am joining Toastmasters International which will be one more day activity and there are associations of retired people who meet during the day- is enough for me most of the time to not feel lonely. Especially in winter, I am happy to curl up with a good book, or watch some tv – I am also early to bed – just like birds, and I am well rested when the sun comes up.
Jean, I have been thinking of joining something in the evenings but have to get my headlights on my car fixed first. They go out completely and I have to fool around to get them back on. I hear it’s going to be hundreds of dollars because it’s in the electrical system of the 10 year old car I drive. That’s another problem. My money is limited and I’m depressed over that so the family problem seems much bigger than it would be if I didn’t have other problems.
I have thought of having my sister move in with me. It would benefit both of us. However, I’m not sure if we could make it together. We’re on good terms and we love each other but we’re different on how we see life and what’s important. My house is small and I don’t even have a guest room so we’d have to really move things around to give her a room.
You know, I had 2 bad marriages (I have poor taste in men) and I thought maybe, just maybe, after my second husband died I may have a little time to find some happiness, but at 69 I don’t think it will happen now. I know it sounds like self pity and it probably is but I have nobody to blame but myself. My “Golden Years” are certainly not golden but “gold plated”……lol.
I think I understand a little how you might be feeling. I, too, have daytime activities, some nice friends and get out & about. But in the evening/night, especially in the winter when it gets dark so early, I get very lonely for my family. It’s not just “people or activity” that I seem to long for, but that sense that they care about me, love me and want to be with me sometimes. I know how “needy” that must sound. But it is true. When the weather turns bad and I am unable to get out much it gets even worse. I, too, have a limited income and sharing a living space and/or moving is out of the question. Keep posting here and I will try to follow you.
Hey Lonely Grandma – I’m not a grandmother yet, but my kids live in different states and I live in Florida with my partner who isn’t their dad. In 11 years, my son has visited me once and my daughter – never.
I used to play that game of not calling them until they call me, but have found if I want to stay in their lives I have to most the calling (and all the traveling). I’ve even been thinking of moving back to NY where at least I would live closer to my son, I wrote about it in another post.
But the more I read about other moms who don’t hear from their kids when they only live 3 miles away, the more I think I’m not moving back. At least, they have an excuse for visiting me in Florida because of financial situations, but it would truly break my heart if live close and didn’t see or hear from them.
I know lonely, Grandma, but what I ‘try’ to do is call them when I want to and don’t wait for them to call me. I can’t wait that long. I’ve also found that even now, in their 30s, they both would rather talk about themselves, so I just listen and be a cheerleader.
Believe me, I have sometimes have meltdowns and miss them terribly, but I know it’s not really their fault. I know they love me, so to do that make me happy and that make me feel needed. I’ve joined a writer’s group and I’m going to start volunteering at the local Humane Society.
I have to admit that in my 30s and 40s, when I was working and taking care of my family, my dad who lived in Florida would call me every Sunday. Sometimes, I dreaded answering the phone, not because I didn’t love him very much, but because I was just plain busy or so I thought. But if he didn’t call, I’d wonder what happened to him.
So I don’t have much advice – just wanted to let you know, I hear ya.
I hope you find an answer for you, LG, and that your financial situation eases. It’s a new world now. We sure can’t count on our kids looking after us the way we did them and our parents, can we. Not sure if it’s good or bad, but it sure does cause a lot of heartache.
I agree that kids are more self centered these days and selfish, but one thing that hasn’t been mentioned here is technology. If kids are acknowledging birthdays or holidays at all, they are sending electronic cards. No one writes anymore. And, the younger set is far more comfortable with texting than calling…it’s brief and its shallow but its what they do. Then there’s Face Book, etc. I keep a low profile on Face Book because when the grandkids, nieces and kids and stepkids write, I’d rather they not be aware of my presence. I learn so much about their lives that way. Not snooping, just the things they ought to be telling me anyway. When I do see them, something for us to talk about. Our expectations are not wrong, but we may have to pen ourselves to a new format.
Brilliant observation, Chickadee. You are so right. I recently heard or read that young people never telephone; they use their phones to text – ! Direct interaction is not the first line of of communication for them – it’s almost all technology. I don’t understand that, but I see it in my own kids, despite my urging them in other directions for years.
Call your kids and your grandchildren and tell them (with a happy voice)
“I really want to see you – I have not seen you since….. I made a good carrot, Queen Elizabeth. or other cake – I would really love to see you this weekend – what about Saturday or Sunday morning, afternoon…..
Or, with the adult children: Hey, what about inviting your mother for dinner this week? any day will do – I really look forward to spending time with you
Tell them what you need – and of course, get busy – reading, learning Italian, volunteering, learning to paint (those are my activities) or whatever strikes your fancy.
When retired, we have 168 hours a week to fill – our grown children – especially the ones with young children are short on time and yes the ones who are into texting are not great on the phone. Good luck.
Chickadee and Tennim:
I love your suggestions…Right now I follow them on FB and keep a low profile. Every now and then I will do a “LIKE” on there page. I would love to see my son who lives about 30 minutes away from me with his wife more often. What I see is that they have there own lives and even if they come up to Six Flags Great America (I live 5 minutes away from the theme park) they don’t stop by. Normally they are with an entourage of friends and I guess they don’t want to bring the friends by. It sort of hurts my feelings but when I was that age, I didn’t alway stop by my parents house either when I was near by so what can I say.
One thing I do miss is when my mom would call me every sunday afternoon after church. I used to think when the phone rang, dang, it’s her but I’d answer and talk anyway. I MISS THOSE PHONE CALLS now, terribly. Guess I need to start doing themself regularly now.
Lonely Grandma:
Good suggestions here, hope they help.
Regarding your car, definitely call one of your sons and ask that they help you with getting the headlight repaired. Usually they know a mechanic that can fix anything on a car for a lower price and would help you if you ask. Give it a try.
Just know you are not alone and it is difficult to reinvent your life at 70, but that’s what we have to try to do – find joy and self-worth. I call my childrens’ behavior “shunning” which when looked up is a form of psycological abuse. We did it all for them but didn’t teach them to value us I guess. Therapy helps deal with the grieving and loss – and that’s what it is – a family we thought we had!
I sure feel what everyone is saying here..sometimes i feel taken advantage of a lot,i have 2 here were i live,one son and his wife in Tn..we go there as often as we can,but it is not easy in these times and on fixed incomes too,they have not been to see our house in 4 years now,and one son hardly ever comes here unless he needs money…i love all my children and grand children!!..thats not the issue here.its respect,i do talk to them,and i call them,i also have 2 sisters that are much younger than me,they never come to visit..they live less than 6 miles from me…so are we what they say THE FORGOTTEN????
Brenda8: tell the truth to your chidren about how you feel – remind them that you want to see them and the kids and you want them to make the effort to come and visit – stop giving money to your son – call your sisters and see what’s the problem – invite them for lunch – attend an assertiveness group – we teach people how to treat us and we can change
in case the editing does not work for above post: you want them to make the effort to come and visit
Thank you Tennim…we went to our grandsons first basketball game last night,had a great time,as my daughter and our little grand daughter were there too,and as the game ended,she ask me to baby sit for Saterday while she went to a movie..i said NO..i have plans,for myself..i do have to learn to say no,and yes,i am going to ask my sisters why they done visit,and invite them to dinner..i am willing to try!!
wonderful – setting limits is your birthright – I babysit my grandkids but I don’t take them overnight – they are 2 and still sometimes wake up at night and I need my sleep – I also set limits on the time I babysit – from 9 am to 2 p.m. for example today – I have something planned for later. It’s not easy seeing disappointment in my daughter’s eyes, but she will survive. Of course if there is a medical emergency, I will be there – even overnight.
Well that first part went great..but,i had called one of my sisters last week to invite her over for Christmas eve,as i love to have as many of my family with me then to watch the smaller children open there gifts..she had mentioned drawing names,,but after a long thought about that,i called her back today.to say,i did not think that was a good idea..we have done that in the past i know..but times a more difficult on people now,and some members of the family wont get here this year,and the other sister has not participated in drawing names in a few years now due to money..so i did point that out to her,and………she got almost mad about it!!!! she started getting an attitude i did not care for,and i softly explained that Christmas was for children,and family being together,being in good health,and sharing the joy,is what it is for adults now days…well,she was not happy about it at all,as i mentioned the other sister,she stated,well if she is there her niece wont be! as they have an issue….this always upsets me to no end!
She or anyone has not thought about the fact,my other sister may have cancer..we find out tomorrow for sure,but she does have to have surgery soon,and myself,i am scheduled to have surgery Nov 27, so,with all this going on….i dont need drama!!!!!!!!
I have truly tried and tried again….but at this point…IAM LETTING GO!!
I do love my family with all my heart,but i am to old to keep going through this stuff of theirs..to tired!!!
Have a wonderful Thanksgiving everyone,,,and God bless!!!
Bren
Hello Lonely grandma, Sounds like you are doing everything you know to live a happy satisfied life. There’s really nothing that replaces our children & grandchildren. I haven’t been in your shoes as my husband is still with me, but I miss my kids bad sometimes.. I think you should keep making those weekly calls! If you call one of them per night, that’s got you through 4 nights! Who knows one of them may even act like they enjoy your call! lol The theme i’ve heard over & over in these comments have been, everyone misses a call from someone we’ve lost. I’d give anything for those calls from my Mama. I too was busy and sometimes had someone else in the house take the call, not that I didn’t love her, just thought I was to busy. If it gets you through lonesome, I say, call! Learn to text, if you don’t know how. Befriend them on facebook , stalking them there will get through a couple hours! In the mean time call up one of your younger friends (who has good headlights) and go out somewhere, maybe start a Bible study at your home and schedule it at night. And from someone who has “5″ sisters, don’t do that until your truly desperate!!! lol… Wish you the best!