My 40 year old daughter , who has always been a great friend to her 32 year old sister, had a 2 year affair with her sister’s husband. This just came to light this week. I am totally devastated. My grandchildren , who were always so close, will now be separated. Our family wIll never be the same. Not even sure either marriage will survive. I love both daughters, but I’m SO upset with my older daughter for letting this happen.
What can I do ?
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Shirley - what a breath of fresh air. It sounds like you are quite the extraordinary person. I'm going to take your advice and ask myself what would I like to do on this long holiday weekend! Who knows...I just might have some fun. The loneliness is 
Shirley,
Sounds like you do have a FABULOUS life already.I too have journals I kept of all ot my travels .They include my sketches of different places as well as recipes from local restaurants which I figures out on my own.
I will be 60 in
Wow, this is a big one. Your older daughter went with the passion and forgot what this was going to do to the rest of the family. I think she is selfish. The children would be deeply hurt. This is a big deal. Good luck and God Bless U
Thanks, Lynette. It’s a real mess. I am heartbroken.
Your older daughter is selfish and has no regard for her younger sister, herself, or anyone else in your family. Your son-in-law needs to have his head (the one atop his shoulders) examined because quite obviously he’s only thinking with the smaller of the two!
It’s odd, because my older daughter is not usually selfish at all. The therapist thinks that’s she’s been depressed, resulting in her overindulging too often. This ” rush” gave her temporary happiness. I don’t know if I agree.
I just wonder if any other families have recovered from such a betrayal.
My heart breaks for my younger daughter, who was betrayed by her husband AND her older sister.
Tell the truth, Stand your ground, Infidelity causes family shattering, we have allowed it for too long.
MURIEL
WOW, that is a real problem. Most of all you need to let your daughters know that you love them no matter what they do in life, but you don’t like or approve of some of the things they do in life. It will not be easy to rebuild trust between your daughtes for a long time. It is something that they ( daughters) have to deal with and Mom should not take sides. Let your older daughter know you disapprove and not proud of her for what she has done to the family. Let your youngest daughter know that you understand her hurt, but you still love her sister. It’s not an easy road you will be walking and don’t push any family get together thinking you can help mend the “fences”. This is something you can’t mend, it has to be up to them. Holidays are not going to be fun for a long time and be ready to spend them without all family members there. As a Mom, we love our children all the time, but we don’t have to like or agree with their choices that they make in life. Each daughter will need you to talk to, but don’t give advice or condemn their feelings no matter what. Good Luck and seek God’s help for your feelings along the way. Don’t let the son-in-law off the hook, he had a hand in this, it wasn’t just your oldest daughter. Seems he’s selfish too. Takes 2 to tango…
Thanks for your words of wisdom. We are all in counseling now ( as couples), and I have a strong feeling that their marriages will survive.It really is so hard to be torn like this, where my youngest daughter was so deeply hurt by her sister. My biggest fear is that he cousins will grow apart, which will totally devastate me. They are the innocent victims.
tough love is in order.This is a betrayal that hurts people. you do not need to approve of it or express love. Infidelity hurts everyone . i know that. my son and daughter as adults still grieve the divorce that came because their father ran off with the “other woman” .We as a society have not been strict enough.If they ask you tell them that this is a betrayal. I was too nice!Mclaire12
There was a reason (or a number of reasons) why this happened. Being mad at either daughter or son-in-law is pointless. If your older daughter is normally caring and thoughtful – the reason must be extremely deep seated. The only way for your family to get back together is for your older daughter to understand why she did what she did (and she might already have a good idea why) and for your younger daughter to realize it is not something done against her or as a judgment of her (that’s really tough even under normal circumstances) but rather someone that her sister was dealing with and something that her husband was dealing with that culminated in doing something that cooler heads would have avoided. Counseling for all involved – including you – is warranted. This is a difficult but valuable teachable moment for all the grandkids. Just think – if everyone can come to terms with why this happened – they’ll all be able to deal with anything that comes their way.
I have a very good friend whose 4-year old daughter was sexually abused her sister’s second husband. When the facts came out the 4-year old’s aunt chose to stick by her husband and condemn the little girl. All of the professionals knew that the little girl could not have made up the details of her abuse. It also came out that this guy had abused his own children before they were grown. Now THAT is a family torn apart – yours can be put back together!
Robin, Thanks for the optimism!
i am puzzled.i was divorced in 1957.#1 ran away with another woman and divorced me without my being present. i raised my 2 children and now as i am eldering #1 came back( he is a multi millionaire and his wife died) and put the story of the “torrid affair ” in the newspapers. My children are both mad at me,wont do anything for me, and take his money. This is thefirst time i have ever felt overwhelmed.
I don’t get it – why are they mad at you? you don’t really say.
neither do they say.My mother and father got angry when my husband died, my children are angry off and on,my in laws, and i have no idea why i have been very hospitable. i am puzzled and upset.it is tapering off.last one was my sister supposedly about politics but i dont think so. it coincides with my x husbands announcement that he has several hundred million dollars in NY.But i dont know if that is the reason. I have withdrawn from the families.Doesnt seem to happen any where else.
mClaire12 – At the risk of sounding like a know-it-all I think the reason for your childrens’ anger is simple: they have to villianize you so that they can benefit from your husband’s money without guilt.
I read a fascinating book a few years ago. It was called Uncoupling. It was a compilation of research about couples who have split. The one main conclusion was that “you can’t leave someone you like – so most divorces are born of intense dislike or the initiating party must fabricate intense dislike for self justification.” It’s true of so many break-ups – personal and business. In affect, your kids feel as though they’ve had to break-up with you in order to enjoy your husband’s generosity toward them.
Dear Dear Robin : i have talked to so called “experts” and YOU nailed it.
Art is a rotten bio dad and i have been chumped. Thank you so much.
thus the publicity by #1 about how “miserable” he was and Just had to leave me for his soulmate . Didn’t want to look like John Edwards. and the “Affair ” was in 1954 and my daughter was born in 1953. Thank God i look good!.I am not giving in. Thank you again!Mclaire12
Robin: the more i think about it the more right you are. Of course it is the money. And i think one hasto have a moral ground. the choice is between right andwrong!Thank you !Mclaire12
They don’t say that “money is the root of all evil” for nothing mclaire12. I’m happy if I could provide a little relief for you – that never ending wondering and questioning is really deadly.
mclaire12 – I don’t have kids. When my maternal grandmother was facing the possibility that she might not be able to conceive, her mother said something that I think may be one of the most brilliant quotes of all time “what never makes you laugh, will never make you cry.”
Damn sometimes that price is high! Sorry you’ve been through so much – and please don’t give up!
unfortunately there is one answer and it is the words of Clarissa Pinkola Estes-
“anyone who does not value your work, talent, needs, does not deserve your time”Of course gossip behind ones back can be maddening. Maybe everyone learns their life lesson the hard way.I did my job. Now onto Bach Fugues and healing.Money is seductive. Blessings for your words of wisdom.
Mclaire12
The injustice Robin is not only me but the laws. Here is a man who leaves me with 2 babies, $100.00, an eviction notice,no health insurance, flies to El Paso Texas ,goes over the border to Ciudad Juarez, and says we are incompatible ,brings a lawyer i never heard of,(it is not legal) ,marries a version of Rielle Hunter, falls into New York money ,and gets the Humanitarian Award. As for Karma the “Celebrity “died and i was not glad believe me it was Cancer, my son is furious at his father, my daughter is confused, and i am prosperous. 500,000 of those quickie divorces in about 3 or 4 decades(now it is Guam) and i leave you to guess at the heartbreak.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!!Mclaire12
Nana, I am really torn on this one. Yes you are the mother of both daughters but one has greatly hurt the other. Not a quick, moment of passion affair either but a two year long tryst. So I really don’t think it is equitable to treat both daughters equally and not judge. Because the one who had the affair did a great wrong and her sister is so right to be devastated. I’ve always found the story of the prodigal son a little hard to take to be honest. That a child could sin against a parent or sibling and still have the same welcome back as the one who maintained moral values and remained steadfast. I always wondered how the sibling felt.
You will go on loving both daughters but your older daughter needs to feel remorse for her actions. And she needs to feel this without people finding excuses for her behavior. It was wrong, it was dreadful and how there can ever be trust again between the sisters I do not know much less between the son in law and his innocent wife.
As for the grand kids, well maybe nana’s house can be the place they can come to for a visit or sleep over or whatever and thus maintain their ties without the parents present. This might be a real blessing for them as they will be able to mingle without feeling that they are being disloyal to their parents.
God bless you my dear, it is not fair that parents have to suffer the consequences of their children’s misdeeds but we do.
Arden,
Thank you for your insightful message
Dear Nana, my heart breaks for you, and being in a slightly similar situation (and I mean slightly) I can’t offer you much hope. My husbandish and his brother owned a house together. Without all the messy details, brother was in charge of collecting rent, paying mortgage, taxes, etc while husbandish was living out of the country. Needless to say brother collected the rent money, didn’t send husbandish’s portion on to him or pay the bills. The house was lost – with a substantial amount of equity belonging to husbandish. It has been four years. The brothers do not talk to each other. They have seen each other at grandma’s funeral and a few family events. The inherent awkwardness is compounded by the fact that brother refuses to see this as anything other than a consequence of the economy. But it wasn’t. It was the consequence of his selfishness, his greed, his belief that he could work the system, and his values that placed having fancy cars and the newest techno gadgets above honesty, integrity and hard work.
It is incredibly sad and I know that it causes the parents great, great sadness. One of their sons lost a big chunk of his life savings due to the actions of the other. They feel a lot of guilt “What did they do to raise a son who could steal from his brother?” They are saddened that the big happy family they have always dreamed of is so broken.
I am so sorry for you and your daughters. Perhaps it helps to know you are not alone.
So sorry for you. I guess money and sex have a lot to do with estranged family relationships.
What a sad story; repercussions for everyone in the family! Of course you don’t stop loving your daughter because a mother loves unconditionally, but she most certainly must know you abhor her behavior. She has to find out what was driving her selfish behavior. As hard as it is you have to stay out of the “middle”…you didn’t cause the problem and you can’t fix it. You can only be there for support. What becomes of the girl’s marriages, their relationship with each other, your grandchildren’s relationships with their parents and each other, etc. will not be resolved overnight and passing blame or judgments around won’t make it easier. I think the ‘bad guys’ know who they are and if not, then there are deeper problems going on. Of course your heart is broken to see your family going through all this turmoil, but as a mom and grandma I think your job is to simply be there for them.
Thank you, Sandi. Great advice.
Nana.I wish i could say something positive to help your situation,I know from experience ,in our family the same thing happened except it was brothers,and the hurt on all sides was not reparable. We have never been able to get together has a family and have relaxed no tension fun since..All i can say is that in time you get used to it,the same way you get used to all tragedies that come your way.Since it happened in our family ,I have heard so many other stories where the same situation happened ,so you are certainly not alone..
be good to your self ,you are not to blame .
So sad to hear that your family never was repaired. I’m actually amazed that my younger daughter is committed to saving her marriage. She needs a lot of time, but I do believe that one day she will forgive her sister. However, I don’t think that my older son in-law will ever forgive his brother in-law.
It’s so sad, because we did so much together as a family. Also, we have a family business to further complicate the matter.
Your older daughter’s and younger daughter’s so called husband actions are very cruel! I never believed of co-incidents or the famous saying: “She was very depressed.” There are and always were ways; how to deal with depression or other not very pleasant occurrences in our lives. We are humans or as the latin word calls us:” Homo sapience-sapience.” In translation homo = human, sapience-sapience = thinking! To have challenges in our lives is trying but because one has difficulties, and than takes them on others to make themselves fell better. That’s rotten. It is intentional and more likely planed.
I feel very much for your younger daughter and her children. My heart goes to you too. This must be hurting you perhaps as much as it is hurting your younger daughter. I wish, I had an idea to help you all to be carried over this road block.
I am sincere in my feelings towards you and your family
Thanks, Vera, for your well wishes . Heaven knows that I need them!
the only choice we ever make is between good and evil.Only the truth heals. Phony attempts to make peace and patch everything up dont work. i know that. About a year ago my x husband who has been silent for 50 years going on vacations and yes sending money at least that emailed me because my son is not talking to him because of the publicity. he says he feels like a failure. I dont wish that on him and i have faults but he left the hard work to me. Now comes the Karma i dont wish that on himeither it just comes. Forgiveness yes excuses no!Nana the truth heals and comes out sooner or later anyway. Yes i am as upset as you are. Blessings to all mclaire12
Nana, I’m sorry your eldest was depressed, but she still screwed up bigtime. I would give most of my energy to the grandchildren and try to give them a loving environment. I would give the rest of my energy to helping the younger daughter. It doesn’t sound like she did anything to deserve this.
(I was depressed after my first daughter was born – and other times in my life, but I never slept with my sister’s husband…or anyone except my own husband. I would be really p*ssed off with the older girl, but you know your family better than I do.)
infidelity is a choice to inflict pain for instant pleasure and the pain is usually the children. No excuses!it helps no one to talk about love in the midst of cruelty and it is cruelty. Tell the Truthmclaire12
Nana, I cannot imagine how hurtful or discouraged you feel at this revelation of a two year affair. What I have not noticed in this thread of conversation is the intent of the two having a long term affair. It’s clear that this was not just a simple fling, but continued — it’s almost as if they were wanting to get found out (?). I think that the cause to continue, not just why it started, is something that really needs to be discovered, communicated, and thus, forgiven for the marriages to get through this. I pray for a very good therapist, for all of you.
And, yes, your home could be a good haven for the cousins. If you can do that, it would be so wonderful for that continuity! Best of luck.
Phyllis,
Thank you for your kind words and great input.
It helps to see how outsiders envision such a mess.
Thank You