Believe it or not, after only being separated for 6 months, my husband has cancer. It is contained in his kidney so surgery should be all that’s necessary. When he found out he called me which is what he’s done for 20 years, and he really doesn’t have anyone else around. He is lucky enough to have his mom who is flying in for his surgery.
The question is: how involved do I need to be ? I am a compassionate person and feel for him, but do not want to give him false hope about us. Also, he is a 50 year old man that never grew up and part of the reason I left is that I was tired of taking care of him ! I’m not sure how long his mom will be here but I imagine his recovery time won’t be short. They will probably remove his kidney. Help me ? I’m really not the bad guy in all of this, but I love my new FREE life !!!!
I have never seen another woman's vagina, so have no idea what they look like, except mine.....I assume you mean (not vagina), But labia....the outer lips. I think it is sad you/anyone thinks any body part is ugly. Our bodies are amazing. I dou
Do only what you feel you need to do. If you don’t feel the need to do anything, then don’t. He is a big boy, he has his mommy, and you are deprecated.
I vote for sending him a card, and flowers.
I guess I can’t type to well. I meant to type and you are separated , not deprecated. Sorry.
If it were me, I would probably help my ex, but set limits.
I don’t see why someone can’t be friends with your ex unless there had been abuse.
Just make sure he knows it isn’t gonna be the start of anything more. Pick and choose what you can handle and let him know if you don’t want to do something. A simple ”sorry, I can’t do that” should be enough. If it gets uncomfortable, just say, “I’m uncomfortable, I’m sorry”.
The other side of the coin is to not get involved at all. Don’t answer his calls, ignore his messages. But there might be quilt and regret with this option.
I guess I’m saying to do your best, help when you can. Be honest with him when you can’t or don’t feel comfortable doing something.
No quilt, just being a good, honest person.
If my ex has cancer and is alone, I would help him. My ex also does not have any one around but he has a girlfriend shortly after our separation so she can take care of him if he ever gets sick. Will see if she will stick around or run. Anyway we have not talked at all since our separation 6 months ago. I chose not to be friends with him but if he ever needed my help and would ask for it, I would help him. I too love my new FREE life and would not want to be tied to him or anyone else again. You have to be clear with him that you are just helping him and nothing more. Just stand firm and help him out as much as you can and let his mom look after him. He is no longer your concern really.
I agree with msjujubean! Help him.
I agree with ms JuJubean too…..stand firm, don’t let him latch onto you like you are mothering him — his mother will there soon enough.
I donated a kidney to my niece 1 1/2 years ago. I had a very low pelvic incision for the removal of the kidney, but all my insides got moved around to get at it and get it out. He may have a rib cage incision which is a longer more debilitating recovery, not that mine was a walk in the park as it was.
If he is in fairly good physical condition it will help a lot. If not, it will slow recovery. He will be up a walking of course right away. But will have lifting restrictions for some time. I had a bad time with anesthesia and spiking BP. Took at least a month for all that to settle down, I went back to work at 6 weeks to a fairly physical job. Could have used a couple more weeks actually.
So it depends on how he handles this surgery. You might ask what type of incision he is having, how long he plans on being off work, how long his mother is able to stay to help out. Much like a coworker would inquire. He should be able to drive after 3-4 weeks. He might need a ride to the doctor if his mother is gone. You could suggest a housekeeping service until he is able to push a vacuum again. That is hard work as we all know. There are services that grocery shop and deliver.
He should be counceled on new eating habits. Not huge but just should eat healthy and drink at least 2 qts off filtered water daily to keep the remaining kidney flushed and healthy. Protein at meals or anytime should be restricted to the size of the palm of his hand or the size of a deck of cards. Otherwise it is hard for the kidney to function, too much overload. But of course, that is his responsibility, he is a grown man.
If you decide to help do so as a friend would and don’t be afraid to tell him when he has stepped over the friendship line.
Hello Rooo, I am so empathetic with your situation as I had a very similar one myself. I personally feel that every couple makes up their own rules in relationships and that you should do what you feel good about doing…what you can live with in your own heart and soul. My ex-husband found out that his cancer was back 2 weeks after I moved out last year. We had been married 39 years. He went through another round (his third) of chemo and even though I considered moving back home due to the guilt I didn’t but I did help him as much as I could as he has no family in our state and our two grown kids live too far away. He went on to have a Bone Marrow transplant this March and I did move back then to his (our) house for two months to take care of him as he was incapable. It was extremely difficult because it did give him false hope but there was absolutely no way around that. It’s good that your husband’s mother is available for him. No matter the situation it is very difficult when there’s an extreme health issue with someone you’ve spent years with and have a history with. Just do what you feel good about and let the chips fall where they may.
I’ll be thinking about you, PPenelope