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Estranged daughter Most Liked Hot Conversation

Hello everyone,

I am brand new to this forum so I would like to say hi. Please excuse me if I get things wrong on here. As a newbie I will have to learn. 

I just wanted to put this out there: I have 4 daughters and 3 of them I have normal mother/daughter relationships with..

My 24 year old and I have not seen each other for over a year. Without going into the tragic details, she blames me for everything that has happened in the history of the world. She really hates me. Yet she was the one who basically fought and caused trouble with me and the rest of her family since she was little. I have numerous emails from her that really show how much she hates me.

To cut it short, i have received another 4 page scathing letter today. Scathing is putting it mildly. My husband (her stepdad) read it and shook as he said that to speak to anyone, let alone your Mum, like that was beyond human understanding.

Her sisters know what she is like but somehow seem to just accept that she is like that. However, my relationships with them are good (even though I wish sometimes they would speak up to her a bit).

My question is this: Am I evil or inhumane to just not care any more? Of course I love her and all that. I am speaking to women here so we all know a mother’s heart. Its just that this girl has been abusing me and calling me names such as “fat slut” etc since she was 11 years old and I kind of just got over it. 

This past year without having to walk on eggshells around her has been rather nice. I know i sound like the worst mother on the face of the earth (another of her favourite phrases about me) but it is true.

Can other ladies relate to this? I guess I feel that at 51, the years I have left need to be as peaceful as possible. My life hasn’t been easy and I know that divorce and remarriage are hard on kids but 3 out of 4 don’t treat me like filth. I can’t undo the past and I can’t stop her resentment to me. I kind of think something just shut down in my heart and its gone.

Your feedback would be appreciated, if I can work out how to find this post again, that is.

Thank you

 

 

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Posted in family & relationships.

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32 Responses

  1. Vicky1956 Vicky1956 says

    Well my heart just hurts for you. I have two grown daughters and we are very, very close and they are great. But…sometimes they say things that hurt me, and there is no cut or pain like that. I know they don’t mean to do it, and it passes quickly, but we’re all very strong, independent women so it’s bound to happen. So I can’t imagine the pain you have endured with your daughter.

    Having said that – her attitude is her problem and for some reason she’s trying to make it yours. She probably loves you deep down inside but needs to lash out at someone and thinks that’s you.  I think I would stop reading her emails and letters and I think I would tell her that. I would nicely say, “I’m going to love you forever. While you’ve hurt me, nothing will change my love for you and I’d like nothing better than to have a good, loving relationship with you. BUT. I will no longer read anything you send me unless it’s an apology. I may not be the best mother on earth (who is, by the way) but I am YOUR mother and you can’t change that. So, if you hate me so much and think I am so terrible, then I suggest you stop contacting me. I hope you’ll stay in touch with your sisters because everyone needs family. And I hope and pray some day that you and I can get along. But.  This is also MY only life and I intend to live it peacefully and the way I want to live it. Again, I love you, but don’t contact me again until you’re ready and able to treat me with the same respect and love I have for myself.”

    Of course I’m not a psychologist – and maybe it would help if you could go see a counselor to help you through this. But don’t let her treat you badly. It’s not good for you – and frankly, it’s not good for her.

    I hope things get better for you. I think if things had really shut down in your heart, you wouldn’t be asking for help.

    8 like

  2. Generic Image Maggie De Vore says

    Nobody — not nobody, has the right to infringe on another persons’ peace of mind, body and spirit.  She sounds like so many young people who have not done with their lives that thing they had hoped to do and — now — point the finger at their Mother, Father or both.  Wrong!!  You do not have to walk on egg shells — you have answered your own question — and — 3 out of 4 gives you all the ‘proof’ you need regarding this one.  You cannot undo the past for you or her and you do not — I repeat — you simply do not have to wear a ‘hair’ shirt in order to please her. 

    I think I mentioned on another post that there may be ‘toxic’ people in our lives.  And, when we become aware of them, in order to take care of Self – we must then make a ‘decision’ to do something– followed by ‘action’. 

    I think there is some way to block her emails!!  That would be my approach!! — or delete without reading — and do not answer.  It’s like a game of tennis — if you don’t hit the ball back — there is no game!!  All the very very best and good luck. 

    5 like

  3. Generic Image Stevie says

    You’re the one who recognizes something is wrong here so the onus is on you to do something about it.  You said you love your daughter and to me that says you do care – about her and your relationship with her.  You don’t sound at all like the worst mother on the face of the earth but you do sound like a mom who might benefit from some kind of professional help or other proven source of assistance.  You can learn to detach from your daughter’s problems in life without detaching from her.  You can learn to set boundaries with this difficult adult child.  You can learn to be rigorously honest with yourself because that’s how we tap into our strengths in order to overcome our weaknesses.  You can learn how to form reasonable expectations of yourself, your relationships, and your life.  We don’t get to choose the hardships life hands us but we do get to choose how we deal with them. 

    3 like

  4. Lynnette Lynnette says

    Should u feel guilty about not caring anymore?  HELL NO!!!! You did your job, now is your turn to enjoy your life and be free of all toxic relationships.  Give her space, answer the letter thou, because sometimes our kids have a view of things that is only in their minds.  Try to remember what happened at that particular stage of your life, because although it may seem that you made the wrong decision now, if you go back in history most likely you chose the best situation in the scenario at the time.  It is easy to blame others.  Our kids think that we are or were supermom’s and that we could fix everything possible, when in reality some of us were scared to death trying to raise our kids the best way we could.  I for one sacrificed a lot and i am not sorry.  My son blames me (in the third person, never upfront) about things that happened in his lifetime.  Well, i tell him, if we could go back and relive that situation, trust me, i chose the best possible solution at the time. 

    So, let it go, sometimes time is the best revenge.

    4 like

  5. Dallas Lady Dallas Lady says

    This is touchy. At the end of the day, you are still her mother. In my opinion, you should never completely cut ties with your child, and is the mother, keeping those doors open are your responsibility. (you are older, you are wiser, your are the Mother).

    At 24 though she’s an adult that must bear the burden of her choices, I’d write her. I wouldn’t respond tit for tat to what she said. In fact I wouldn’t respond to the specifics at all. I’d keep everything in the here and now and the future, not the last.
    and I’d say I love you, I’ll always love you and I’ll always be your mother. my home is always open to you, but only if you treat everyone in it and in this family with respect. If you cannot do that, then please don’t come until you can. I’d throw in a fee “past is yesterday, rehashing old wounds real and imagined is a choice and you won’t participate in doing so” and completely sidestep her litany of complaints from childhood.

    But then let the next step be hers. And if you don’t hear every six weeks drop a note. “I love you and I’m thinking of you. I hope you are well.”. But if she comes back and engages in any shenanigans back to the beginning. “you can’t treat me or others this way.”. And show her the door and retreat again yourself with the same messaging.

    I’d keep doing ths over and over and over. That way the door is never shut, but the responsibility for her behavior is hers Alone.

    Do not attempt to discuss this with her sisters or your other daughters. Please don’t create an environment where sides must be chosen, You will all lose in that.

    2 like

  6. Generic Image KGrandma says

    My heart is with you and I agree with all the replies that you’ve gotten here. There’re just a couple of other things that I wonder about. One, does she have a mental illness of some sort? And two, was she sexually abused by someone and is blaming you for allowing it or not knowing/should have known . . . I have no idea, and am absolutely not an expert, but she sounds unhinged, and usually it takes more than an offfbeat personality to keep someone raging for 13 years. I think something happened to her. Maybe physical, like a blow to the head. Maybe sexual. Maybe psychological (loss of her dad?), but it was HUGE in her mind, and (to her) all your fault. Counseling might help. Good luck.

    Walking away would be great if it could work, but I doubt that it can. Our kids are a part of us, always there, always in our thoughts, and impossible to forget.

    4 like

  7. Generic Image SIZZELN says

    Debstar, This tread was posted 12/28/09, it may be of some interest to you. …TRACK…community.vibrantnation.com/…/41940-do-you-despise-your-mother/ put this in search box

    0 like

  8. anir anir says

    Your love for her will always be there.  The fact that you say not having to ‘walk on eggshells is rather nice’ does not make you a bad mother.  You don’t like the way she treats you.  No one likes to be treated in a mean way. 

    You know you did the best you could raising her.  She is now an adult and making her own decisions on the way she behaves.  It is out of your hands.  Some adults have a tendancy to blame everyone else for their behavior.  They  forget that they are adults now and they are the only ones who are responsible for their words and actions.  No one else.  As some have mentioned, she might need pshychological help.  I wouldn’t suggest you mention it to her or her sibblings.  You might want to seek help for yourself.  

    From the heart of a mother who has not heard form one of her daughters for over 6 years, I so understand what a mother who has been shuned and mistreated by her daughter is feeling like.  It’s O.K. to feel better not getting hurt over and over again.   You still love herand always will.

     

    5 like

    • debbie leaf debbie leaf says

      Thank you so much anir. I feel that you obviously know exactly how I feel, having walked in the same shoes. I love her, I always will. But her behaviour has nearly broken me over the years and I am not going back to it. How do you cope? Perhaps you have some wise words for me.

      Thank you very much.

      1 like

      • anir anir says

        I think about her often and have come to finally realise that it is her choice, her decision not to contact me.  Not mine.  I can’t change her, I can only change myself.  I can’t change the past and, try as I want to, I can’t see the past through her eyes, only she can know what she lived.  I have my take on it, she has hers. 

        I do so wish I could ask her what it is that me or her father have done, or not done, to her for her to have cut us off as she has.  But as others have mentioned here, she might suffer from a narcisist personnality.  Growing up, she was always very selfcentered.  It was always someone else’s fault if something went wrong in her life, never hers’.  To the outside world she was such a perfect person, within the family unit, she was far from it.  Squabbles with her sibblings, never wanting to help out in the house, lashing out if something didn’t go her way.

        Even with all the heartache she has caused me, I would welcome her with open arms were she to call or come to see me.  I would drop everything.  But, to be honest, I am not holding my breath.  Sounds cruel, but it’s true.  I will not live a halflife in the hopes of her coming around.  I will live.  And if she does come around only to try to lay all the blame my way, I will not put up with it.  I know I did the best I could for the 22 years I was part of her world, I wouldn’t take anything less than a calm relationship with her.

        I enjoy the relationship I have with my four other children.  They are the most important part of my life and I would do anything for them.  I think the fact that my oldest daughter is estranged from me has me savour the time I spend with them even more.

        I still get teary eyed, and yes, I do cry on her birthday, but it does not keep me down for long. 

        There is just too much beauty out there to let myself be consumed with gloom.

        Be Happy!  You deserve it!

        :)

        anir

        6 like

  9. Generic Image Jody Nixon says

    My heart goes out to you.  I have suffered similar treatment for many years by my older sister, and watched her rage and send vicious emails to my parents until the day they died. Please don’t let her continue doing this to you – even if it means limited contact.  I am convinced my mother’s early demise was caused in part by my sister’s behaviour. 

    She came back after a ten-year silence to hound my dying father two months before he died.  He had to get a restraining order!  Since he died, I have maintained only email contact with her and hope that I never have to face her again – I can tell her I love her by email but if she writes back more than two paragraphs, I get a friend to read it first.  Several times, they have recommended that I don’t read the message, and so I don’t!

    There was a recent thread on this site entitled NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) which may give you some more insight into what might be behind your daughter’s behaviour. 

    Most importantly, please don’t blame yourself for her predicament.  You know you did the best you could.  No one deserves that horrible feeling of being on the receiving end of a tirade.  Even NPD’s need to have limits set – this is the only way I have kept my sister at bay – just hang up when they start to rage.   This is an immense sadness that  will always be part of my life, but at least in keeping her on a long leash, I don’t face day-to-day assaults.

    You are not insensitive or cold to want to detach from her.  It’s called maintaining your sanity for the others you love. Contrary to what others have said to you already here, the simple fact that you are her mother is just that, a fact, and only that.  She has a responsibility to treat you with decency unless she intends to lose the relationship.  She is an adult who is choosing her own path. 

    9 like

    • Generic Image Maggie De Vore says

      Sounds like you’ve found the answer for you — my only question — and it is with the greatest respect for how you handle your sister — but why are you playing Russian Roulette with the emails -?- .   Have an extremely intelligent, caring and compassionate friend who has said to me — when I talk about relationships in my practice — ‘Sometimes it takes surgery, – it’s quicker, less bleeding and the scar is not so big’!!!  You are a very brave woman.  Good luck!!

      1 like

      • Generic Image Jody Nixon says

        I suppose I still let her email because I have accepted I can’t cure her illness, but I also don’t want her to think she’s totally alone in the world. She has threatened suicide regularly for the past 40 years.  Of course I care about her because she’s the only sister I ever had…and like most recipients of abuse (notice I don’t say ‘victim’) I see her as ill, not a criminal.   If she can keep lunging at me through her emails, and thinking she’s devouring a victim (which is what NPD’s need) then maybe she won’t victimize some other poor unsuspecting person.  Hey, maybe I’m a little kooky too!!

        1 like

  10. ThurmanLady ThurmanLady says

    I will only add to the great advice you’ve been given already.  First, you are not responsible for your daughter’s behavior; as a adult, she must find her own way through her emotional issues.  Second, you are responsbile only for your own behavior and your own emotions.  I agree with those who have said to maintain some sort of brief, peaceful contact and with those who said that you need to keep your other daughters out of it.

    I would encourage you, above all else, to get counseling.  Talking out what you are going through and getting insights on how to handle yourself will be worth it.  That peaceful life can only happen within. ♥

    2 like

  11. debbie leaf debbie leaf says

    Thank you everyone for your wise words and great support. Just to clarify. She was never sexually abused or physically or emotionally. She was always the sort of kid to speak her mind. Even as a tot, she would be loud and vocal about any perceived mistreatment. We had a family joke that when she was cranky at anyone she would “put it in the newspaper”. This was good though when she was small because she would have told me about any abuse from anywhere.

    She never knew her father. He died in her infancy. I remarried a man who she was close to but we divorced when she was 11. Her abuse of me started that day. Its like she perceived that her world fell apart or something. In no way am I minimising the effects of divorce on a child but her older sister and two younger sisters (who were this husband’s children) didn’t go out of her way to attack me. They got that they were all still loved by both of us.

    This daughter started verbally and physically attacking me from then on. She stayed at her same private school, lived in her lovely home, kept her same friends and then went on to a private Performing Arts school where she excelled. I worked to support the girls (I am a High School teacher) and tried to keep things as sane and stable as possible. Her sisters had their moments but it was the “normal” teenage girl dramas.

    I don’t think it has been right to abuse me, punch me and blame me for everything. She is now married to a man she adores and he seems to support her in her abuse against me. Her sisters have told her in the past she is not to raise her hands to me. The thing is, they know exactly what she is like and to be honest, they couldn’t be bothered arguing with her because when she starts, its like World War 10 and they can’t be stuffed. Truth to tell, the only person in her whole life who has ever called her on her behaviour is me and look where that got me. I thought it was my job to teach her!

    I feel like until that day she comes to me and says “wow Mum, I was so out of line. I see it now” there is nowhere for us to go. I would be more than happy to hear her and be sorry for hurts she feels I am responsible for but it needs to be mutual with a heart that wants to restore on both sides.

    I suspect I may be long dead before she reaches that point. Does anyone understand what I mean?

    Thank you, ladies.

    7 like

    • Generic Image SIZZELN says

      debstar, Yes I do, so do what you think best, and move on! Do not let her attack you n get away with it! She must want to work it out, or stay the victim she wants to be! Best wishes to you…TRACK…no one should stay in a bad marriage to appease anyone…

      1 like

      • debbie leaf debbie leaf says

        Thank you Track and every one else. It doesn’t make it any easier but there is a great sense of support on this forum which is wonderful.

        Obviously this type of problem isn’t something you talk about to everyone on the street so having so many ladies answer and give me their honest feelings is pure gold.

        Bless you all.

        x

        1 like

    • anir anir says

      I do understand.  Enjoy your life now.  You only have one.

      :)

      1 like

      • debbie leaf debbie leaf says

        Thank you. I hope you are enjoying yours. 

        0 like

      • fayetteSIPP fayetteSIPP says

         

        Debstar , I have  three children, who are day and night in personality….but great children in so many ways. I believe most parents have some issues along the way if they are raising children and the more you have the greater the chances one will be difficult…I don’t always think it is the child’s fault for there are undesirable mothers, having four children and problems with one says the possibility of you being a bad mother is probably not the issue..although sometimes I believe people are born with issues and some mothers have issues such as personal preference…I use to tell my kids it depend on which day which one was my favorite @:) for them to remember that the lesson was for them to realize that never expect anyone to treat you well if you disrespect and treat them poorly in other words even Mothers have feelings.

        I understand to a degree of what you are feeling for there was a point in the relationship with one of my daughters that I had to “let go” because I could feel the “undercurrent” and dis -connect, I finally decided that I would not try to “fix it”…I would live my life help others and be there for any of my children if  they needed me…one  day two children and a divorce later  this daughter needed me and I was there for ….Now as a mother of budding teenagers she understand the difference and the difficult of raising children  no matter how hard you try being perfect is impossible ..and that is where true love comes in , Love hard , Stand strong. Bend gently. Give graciously and forgive with the ability to return but not at the expense of losing your mind , your peace and your sense of being human.

        The Ladies of VN have given you great advice and hope you can gather some info that will make you feel better.  You are not alone….

        May you find peace and happiness  and welcome to VN!!

        3 like

      • debbie leaf debbie leaf says

        Hi. Yes, thank you for your kind, sensitive post. I too believe that one day she will need me and I will be there for her. i think life will be the best teacher for her and certainly if and when she has her own children she will understand more.

        It is so nice feeling that I am not alone.

        xx

         

        2 like

      • fayetteSIPP fayetteSIPP says

        You are welcome , we are all on a journey , including our children m she will be al right, if you have the time check out this post I did that I have received private and public messages on how it helped them with their adult children,

        I let my grown children go and set myself free: 9 ways 

        15 posts - 11 authors - Last post: Jul 22, 2010

        I have learned how to really let my grown children go. All it takes is some quiet time and taking care of yourself. (You will realize that 
        community.vibrantnation.com/…/how-i-let-my-grown-children-go-and-setmyself-free-9-ways/

        1

        1 like

    • Generic Image KGrandma says

      I can’t really understand, because I’m not in your shoes, but my heart goes out to you. It must be absolute hell. So do whatever you have to do to protect yourself. Sometimes I think that people who abuse others will pick someone perceived as weak, so be strong, be impervious to her threats and attacks, and focus on yourself and your other children. Now that you have probably tried everything else, absolutely ignoring her for as long as it takes (forever, if necessary) may just be the key. “Fake it ’til you make it” could be at least part of an answer.

      In the meantime, know this — none of us were perfect parents. My kids turned out well, and I know why: there are still miracles. They, too, endured a divorce, and it affected them badly. For every parent who has kids who succeeded there is one who wonders what went wrong. You have 3 other children who are fine, so cherish them and enjoy the full life that you can have without the pain that the one enjoys inflicting.

      2 like

      • fayetteSIPP fayetteSIPP says

        That is one of the “trick of being a parent who is respected”

        My mom said as  a little woman of 5’5  with sons over 6 ft and some daughters 5’11,

        Start when they are little, letting them know who is the parent and who is the child …there is a difference. It worked we loved her dearly ..but had a bit of fear not to disrespect her in any way.

        Even little children can detect weakness, so yes fake it as you say eventually. the point will be made.

        1 like

  12. Generic Image Ross says

    I feel that there are times in a mother/daughter relationship that drawing a line in the sand is appropriate if not vital to the health of each. My 20 year old has never been easy to relate to and it like walking on eggshells around her. Althoug never diagnosed, even though we spent tones of money on treatments…I believe that she’s bipoloar. And it’s really not something anyone can control or should deal with. I finally refused to be her punching bag and spoke up at what I saw and idnt like and the reslut is I havent seen her and of coujrse my granddaujghter since before Thanskgiving. She uses the baby as a weapon- an ace in her back pocket to get her way. Was she rasised like that with out a sence or moral compass? No. But her termperment lead her down the wrong path to an unfortunate marriage that has turned the course of her life and a beautiful baby downward with out the guidance of a moral compas. I will move slowly to reach out to her…our history is complicated..but she my only daughter and I hope somewhere in her soul she will see glimers of light to guide her toward the upbringing that she had and chose to bury.  Utltimately it is her choice and she will have the consequesnces . This soulds harsh, but I still feel the slap on the face , I still hear the mean words spoken, I still see the pain in her eyes because I still hold her the her that I know is there in my heart.      

    0 like

    • debbie leaf debbie leaf says

      Thank you Ross. I also still feel the slap and hear the words but she is still always my darling little girl who I love so much. It’s very confusing and all the emotions are so strong they wear me out. Still, I feel right about my decision at this stage and all the wonderful women on here have helped me so much.

      1 like

      • Generic Image says

        This is my 1st day on VN, found while searching for info to relate to. This post & replies overwhelms me. 

        0 like

      • Generic Image SIZZELN says

        Luckywife, WELCOME TO VN…TRACK

        0 like

      • Generic Image says

        Thank You TRACK! There is so much info on VN, this is wonderful! Better than FB!

        0 like

      • ThurmanLady ThurmanLady says

        Welcome!  I’m sorry that you’re in pain from all of what you are dealing with!  I’d suggest this particular post for you to read as well: daughter.  There may be some more that you can relate to and glean from it. ♥

        0 like

  13. Generic Image Strugglingon says

    I am so sorry that you are hurting.  I just found this site today and I am dealing with a similar situation.  I just don’t know if I can continue to live this way.  What I mean by this, I just have to talk to someone and try and feel some self worth.  My prayers are with you.  The cruelty that your daughter is showing you sounds very similar to mine.  I pray that things will get resolved for you.  One thing I can say and please don’t blame yourself.  You sound like a very sweet mother – we can only do our best.  God Bless. 

    2 like

  14. Generic Image Anonymous says

    I only just discovered this site and found this article.  I hope that Debbie is reading this.  I don’t know how things are going for you now, but you did the right thing.  Someone very close to me went through a remarkably similar situation and at the end of the day, you can only give your heart to someone and have them stomp on it so many times before you realise that as much as you love this person, you will ultimately be happier having nothing to do with them than having them constantly abuse you.

    I have a couple of questions about your daughter if you’re reading this Debbie.  First of all, I’m very curious as to whether she has apologised and come to her senses and you’ve patched things up.  This seems like such a sad story and you sound like a very sweet woman who deserves much better than this.

    Secondly, is there any chance that this woman is on drugs?  A lot of them lead to paranoia, violence and unhinged behaviour.  Writing multiple 4 page letters to someone you haven’t seen for ages just to tell them how much you hate them is borderline psychotic to me.

    I was also wondering what your daughter’s social and work life are like.  The person I described before had a daughter who was generally a wonderful person.  Had lots of friends, was kind to strangers, supported many worthy causes and charities, had lots of hobbies and generally was loved by everyone who knew her.  Except her family because she harboured a ton of resentment to her mother for some small real reasons and very large imaginary ones and she made it her duty to be as rude, offensive and abusive to her as she could be.  For a long time she kept this basically a secret and no one who knew her outside of her family ever would have guessed that she had such hatred inside of her.  If her work / personal life is not going well, she probably needs someone to blame and will hopefully stop it if things get better for her.

    I just hope that things are going better for you now Debbie.  I hope that your daughter sees the error of her ways and makes an effort to mend fences with you.  Or failing that, I at least hope that you are still happier in peace without her and that she is happy living her own life with her husband, assuming they are still together.

    7 like

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