So, this afternoon I was having a conversation with my husband (FYI, I have posted elsewhere here and am in the process of moving toward independence after 20 years of marriage). We had some pressing concerns about kids, finances, etc. As often happens, the conversation devolves (I need to figure out how to stop participating and even encouraging this). My husband told me “his life sucks, it will always suck, it will suck until he is buried in the ground” blah, blah, blah. I asked him if that was how he really felt, and he said “yes.”
So, this is a man who I want to be divorced from, soon. I am not seeking validation for comments on previous posts I have made about how to get myself out of this marriage.
I am looking for insight. This is a man who has told me how miserable I am, how negative I am, how rotten I am, how I never listen, how I never take into account his feelings, etc.
I asked him a few hours later if what he said was true, as regards his life sucking and he said, yes, he is a realist. I asked him if he felt his life would always suck, and he said yes.
I don’t want to go on and on. I have been stuck in this negative cycle for over a decade, with blame being placed on me.
I do not feel life sucks. I do not accept life sucks. I do not accept that my life sucks and always will.
I keep asking for help. I have good friends who support me. My husband says that he doesn’t care how soon or not I decide to leave. I am concerned about the financial realities for my kids and self
Ugh. The reality of my husband’s unhappiness hit me like a brick tonight. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.
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I counsel and support women going through divorce. I am still in training and I'm not charging a fee for this service. If you would like to talk more about your situation, then please get in touch. I myself have been through a separation/divorce afte
Hi Anonymous2,
You've made some crucial points about intimacy in your post : You call him your "lover" ( truly an intimate term), and yet you say, that he will "not consider getting to know me better" as a possible lifelong partner du
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Gosh, not sure why I couldn’t edit my post.
To put a finer point on it, I have had fruitless conversations with my husband through the years of our marriage – and I have always wondered what element is missing, what am I missing, what defect do I have?
The conversations generally (80% of the time) end up as hostile encounters. I have healthy work relationships and friendships. So, why is it only communication with my husband that is impossible?
He paints me as self-centered, self-absorbed, miserable, negative, only interested in what I want, domineering, controlling, and countless other negative adjectives.
Tonight’s conversation put a finer point on it for me when he said life sucks, will always suck, will suck until he is buried in the ground, will suck because of our marriage, will suck because I will ruin him financially (he has no money), will suck because and because and because. I was shocked (sort of). I waited a few hours and gently reminded him of what he said, the conversation went negative, and he stated that he felt his life sucked, always will, etc., etc., and that he is being a realist.
I am confused. I have thought for years that he has been playing mind games with me. I don’t know what feelings to trust.
I talked to my therapist today, and made future appointments.
I honestly don’t know what end is up? Lots of experience and wisdom here. I don’t think I am crazy. What is going on?
Okay, my last post was a rehash of my first post. I keep running stuff over in my mind. Something is amiss. Bah humbug and ugh and balderdash and all that. I feel crazy but am certain I am not.
Have your therapist explain Projection to you. I think yoy have been a long-term victim of it.
Women are always a little too eager to put blame for anything that’s wrong or bad all on ourselves. We take responsibility, we try to fix it, it’s all on us.
Often it isn’t about us at all. Often, we have no control whatsoever. Our best option is to develop the best exit strategy we can muster, and just get away ASAP. Some things can’t be fixed. Other people are the hardest of all to fix. They don’t even want to be fixed!
This part of life does suck. But for you, it can and will get better! Don’t let him, or your circumstances, or anything, keep you from breathing fresh air, and having some hope and happiness in your life.