| Do women our age really want marriage or just a significant other? | Hot Conversation |
Sometimes I feel lonely but I am really happy being by my self. However, I do wish that I had a significant other to share life with. But at the same time I don’t want to get married either. So this is why I ask if anyone also shares my sentiments
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ReginaLove, that is SO great to hear! As for soy, it may help with menopause symptoms -- it it controversial. The best way to use soy is in the form of whole fermented soy foods (miso, tempeh, tamari and natto). Non-fermented soy foods such as soy mi
Agreed. I never thought I was vain until I had a mastectomy at age 39. I was devastated and told the doc I wanted to wake up with implants. Now at age 60, I am lopsided and wondering if I was just avoiding the inevitable. You get what you get and you
Sounds very interesting.
Spike, you are awesome! Love your perspective, thanks for sharing.I will turn 53 in 6 weeks and still break out.
May I also assume that your skin is still quite oily and shows no or very few wrinkles? If so...
COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS!
1) Your skin doesn't look like beat-up luggage now, and probably never wi
i want a relationship like this: we spend time together when cnvenient, but each of us lives in their own home. Tired of dealing with everybody’s problems because at this stage, everybody has baggage, i do not want anybody to carry mine which is very minimal, but i hate to carry someone else’s.
Together but not entwined. Did i spelled that right? Plus the sex will be great!!!!
We all know relationships have ups and downs whether you’re married or not. I was married for 31 years where there was always arguing and I am now divorced. I now have a significant other and sometimes I think I want to get married, but that’s when things are really, really good (which is most of the time). But, when things get a little rocky I get scared and am glad to have the freedom to walk out of the relationship if it gets really bad. Also, there are no financial repercussions like in my divorce. My significant other doesn’t seem to mind that we’re not married. His past marriage was not a good one either. I guess there’s pros and cons to both sides. And here’s a tip for you ladies that are alone right now. You can be lonely when you’re married, too. Not having a companion is not always the reason for loneliness. As many of you have said, you just gotta get out among ‘em and have fun.
After a messy divorce 5 years ago, I realized I have spent more than one half of my adult life making sure my other half was happy, and fulfilled. I never focused on whether I was happy and fulfilled. I have worked hard on my spirituality, and my own personal development. I will never get married again…I feel happy and free!!
No much surprises me, but I am truly surprised that the institution of marriage, ie, the core strength of coupling to meet life’s challenges, has lost so much favor. I responded to this post earlier and have read every response. Granted that the respondents are presumably over age 50 with many commenting on less than desirable relationships. What interests me is that these experiences seem to have spilled over to unite them against what they see as the culprit – the institution of marriage.
Still, I am surprised. I find myself in agreement with Dallas Lady here – and that is that I don’t need a husband, but I still want one. That is not to say I wouldn’t want out of a relationship that was unsatisfying or hurtful, only that I think I would try to pin the blame where it belongs. In most cases, that isn’t a single place or person, and certainly not the concept of marriage. Granted, the actions of others can hurt us deeply and require time to recover, but they only affect our longterm happiness if we allow them that level of control. To equate not being married with happiness seems to be giving up a lot of control that should be yours, married or not.
I get that the common thread here is that respondents tried marriage, it wasn’t all happy, or it was one sided. Having reached an age and time period where moral codes are less strict, they are simply opting for personal happiness over the possibility of another failure; and in some cases over the probability of extending yet again their role as care-taker. I really do “get” the latter, because at my age, a 5 or 10 year difference is more significant at 70 than at almost any point earlier in life. Besides the pro issues of companionship and attendant happiness, there are multiple con issues of the elder marriage: the probabilitliy of health issues, somebody having to make a physical move, and the merging of family, friends, etc. You can, of course, argue that it is quality time, but by realistic definition, there is simply less healthy time and less opportunity to weave family, career, travel, and entertainment into that component that we call “happiness” with a relationship.
It’s the happiness factor that most seem to be expressing. Please understand that I’m not against seeking happy, I’m just questioning whether blaming marriage is a solution. There are some generally accepted states of happiness, but mostly it is a personal definition. What floats your boat might sink mine. I’ve been considering the possible “whys” of blaming marriage: (1) women tend to interchangably mix the concepts of need, want, and happy. In other words, if we think we want or need something, getting it will make us happy. By extension, certain things like marriage, children and sufficient income are deemed to be on the plus side of being happy, so when they don’t turn out as perceived, we are unhappy.
Having laid the ground work for there not being a universal happiness rule, I can only relate to what I have come to know makes me happy. Mental and physical well being (health) is high on the list if not at the top. Being older and time being more precious, choosing how my time is spent is a top factor. And, no matter how self sufficient we are, a sense of security and safety is also up there. And that’s the part that involves others in our lives. No matter how you slice the cake, security and safety are enhanced by alliances. Unfortunately, they can also be betrayed by alliances, so choosing your alliances carefully may be the most important life choices we make.
Subtracting out the whole responsibility for children which takes two (even in a test tube), we have expectations of marriage that we don’t apply to significant others, mainly for fear that they won’t measure up. Marriage would be easier too if we had no commitment or serious expectation. Assigning marriage the awesome power to make you happy or unhappy is, I think, a fundamental misunderstanding of its purpose. Being happy in who you are and your ability to cope with what life brings can add value to a good marriage or it can give you the strength to extricate yourself from a bad one.
That said, I am lucky to have had a good marriage; that is to say that we enjoyed love, trust, respect, and security and I freely admit that those things contributed to my concept of happy. But, there are damned few, if any, perfect allilances or marriages. We were not always in agreement. And nobody tells you that the rewarding part of parenting is seeing your adult children as healthy responsible individuals with options. Or that death or loss of a trusted partner can take away what you’ve come to rely on as completeness. But, your whole is still there – you’d just made room in it for someone important to you – and over time you will fill that room with other things that make you happy. It could be memories, a new love, a new purpose.
If given the opportunity to remarry, I will take care in my choice (not just any man will do), but I am definitely willing to accept the many risks in trade for the opportunity to again know love and security, even knowing we will end up taking care of each other (what the sickness and in health part is all about). I do understand not wanting to repeat something that wasn’t satisfying the first or subsequent times; I just want to repeat something that was satisfying to me.
I agree with you, Sassy. To love someone always means taking a risk to be hurt. And the stronger the love, the worse the hurt will be, but the alternative is to never experience the strong love. My second marriage had some issues, those that will exist when two adults co-habit, but we could have worked things out. He had simply found someone else and wanted to move on. It has turned out to be a very liberating experiece for me to realize that it was a blessing in disguise. Quite unexpectedly I reconnected with my soulmate and we enjoy acting like teenagers in love. Given the chance, I would marry him, but it isn’t an option right now. How a marriage turns out depends, to some extent at least, on whether or not the people involved want it to be good. Relationships do take some effort.
I am blessed to have been married to the love of my life since I was 24. We are 55 now. Yes, marriage is hard work. I was always a hot tempered spitfire and he was the one who could calm me down with a smile and a wink. Though I have tempered my emotions through the years, it still works. We started our married life as partners, and partners we remain. Our vows before God and our commitment to each other has withstood lack of money, raising children, sickness, and differences of opinion. You can call me lucky, but I know it was hard work that was truly worth it. He has faults and so do I…we went into marriage knowing that, with our eyes wide open. Now, with our children grown we are enjoying the new relationships with our new little grandchildren. It is wonderful to be at this part of our lives with our best friends. We love being together, but also have lots of time to be on our own. We are not jealous of each others time with separate friends and have lots to discuss when we return together. We always try to put the other first in our marriage, and God first in our lives.. Yes, it has been a good life together and I wouldn’t change it for anything, it is still till death do us part for us. But, to get married again if he was gone? I think not. It would really be big shoes to fill and I will not be looking for a replacement. If someone should come along, I pray that I would chose to handle it the same as I did the first time. Believing in God’s will for me and my life and seeking it through prayer and scriptures.
Well, said. That’s the attitude for marriage everyone should have. Congratulations!
YES this is how marriage should be. I was blessed to have parents who gave me this same kind of example. Unhappily my first marriage was a disaster because this is what I expected it to be like and he didnt have a clue how to go about life, love and marriage. He thought it was all his way or nothing.
I am happy to say that I do NOW have this kind of marriage. Hard times, YES. Trials, yes. great times, yes. Andf we go through it all hand in hand.
“When the world and Satan rage against us, we will rage against the world and Satan, NOT each other.”
I am sure you know that we all go into marriage from various backgrounds. Thankfully, you and I were brought up with good examples of marriage. Our new husbands are not always that blessed. It sounds like your first husband didn’t have a clue because he did not have these positive examples. There are many men, and women like this out there. And, unfortunately, no matter how much you love them, they don’t want or can’t seem to change and grow. Actually, my husband came from this kind of childhood also. But, he was able to embrace my family as his own and had the desire to be more than what his own parents had taught him about life, love and marriage. I will be eternally thankful for that. Beause who really knows. At the courting stage we are all on our best behavior. Having the same faith does help, but even there, we are not alway in the same place. I am also happy that you now have the kind of marriage that can grow through the years together no matter what comes your way.
Hi, I would like to add an addendum to my last post. I don’t want it to sound so pie in the sky or like I have it all right all the time. Currently I am going through the throes of menopause. That with my husband being home all the time , since he just retired, has me constantly irritated. I have been snapping at him lately and he back at me. He is trying to get used to all this time on his hands and lack of extra funds, and I am trying to get used to him being around all the time. I am grateful that we are friends, because how worse would we be with each other if we were not. No matter how irritated I get , I am trying to remember how blessed I have been and still am. It is not his fault my hormones are driving me crazy and that I have a low threshhold of patience right now. And I also need to not take his changes in daily life as something I have to work out or take care of for him. That is what I have been doing,and then feeling like a martyr. Yes, more changes in our life are here. I thank God that we love each other through it all. As I have stated before , it is not always easy. It is important that at times like these we hold on to our beliefs, faith and each other. =]
Very well written. I have been in a 10 year relationship with a neighbor. We probably will never marry because he has obsessive compulsive disorder & has to have everything “his way” like the white walls someone mentioned earlier, white car, covers his furniture with sheets to preserve them even though they inexpensive, stubborn and opinionated. Yet he always does what he says I am close to his family and he mine. However I cannot go on like this. When my mother was living with me, it made sense then she broke her hip and passed away 6months later. My plan was to sell my house since it is too large & expensive for me as an ebay seller with this as my main investment (it is in Northern California). I think the solution would be to both sell our houses and move in together – have some separate rooms – but he doesn’t like change and has lived in the house so long, put in bricks and all that.
I have been married before but my husband who was a good husband had mental problems that of course his parents never told me about, we did not meet until our late 20s. He was a very good man then he started drinking too much joined AA but met people that did cocaine. He never hurt anyone but would fall and break bones and all sorts of things in front of the girls. I had to divorce him and then all I did was work. My parents had helped chauffeur the kids around then my dad had a stroke at 83. My girls didn’t drive yet and I had a demanding job and a long California commute.
My mom needed someone to take her shopping, she could not drive anymore so I decided to sell my house and move closer to the schools so they could walk and my mom had a separate attached apartment we added with the proceeds from her condo. We found a nice California ranch house within walking distance to town. With her survivor pension and social security and my paycheck we could do it, but when she passed away there was a merger in my company and one of the girls was becoming increasingly difficult to manage and depressed. she lacked common sense. couple with this was me having to attend to my mom since my brother passed away in 1993. My ex husband ended up being involved in a manslaughter ( he had been an executive at a local company, and wrote a book about this but since some of the facts were incorrect, it got panned later on) then he committed suicide, leaving nothing for the girls since he had spent his whole 401k and owed tons of back taxes and debt. My company thought I had too many problems. I was head of a department with only one employee and was expected to sell and travel all over the state and do enrollment meetings and also manage the accounts. with the merger, the owner sold the company and they wanted to go public and needed all sorts of late night work from me. When I got divorced, I started selling on ebay full time and that is how I now support myself because they made my life miserable at work, making up things to get rid of me. When my daughter was in the hospital, I took FMLA for only two weeks & when I came back they had hired a contractor to replace me but they pretended that she did not. They were not expecting me to return so quickly. They gave me an assistant that did not like that job at all and did not have any training, yet with all my travel it was impossible to train someone that didn’t even like the job. Backing up a bit,on my mother’s 90th birthday a Sunday when my daughter was in the hospital, my boss called me and said he needed me in the office. I explained that we were going to see my one daughter and her sister came from grad school to see her and celebrate my mom’s birthday, he said it would not take very long. What he did on friday when I asked HR about fmla briefly – they told him and he had his secretary type up a fake review, she always leaves right on time so he hand wrote the rest of it. This is a man who uses a dictaphone constanly, doesn’t write his own letters or emails; I had never seen his handwriting before so I knew what was up and I was furious. He also had other people there as witnesses. He had sold his company and wanted to be something he was not. In the end he bought it back but I never felt so betrayed.
During this period I was with this guy and could not really have lived with anyone. I would like to be in a relationship with caring and sharing not just companion and on events and trips. We see each other almost every day but it is not enough for me. He is very wealthy or at least compared to me with a generous pension full benefits and just retired. I have to pay $600 a month for meager benefits. My mortgage is almost 5000 a month and I cannot handle that myself or I can but it means no saving and no extras. I do go to a gym for recreation but am mostly in my house that is too big and has too much property, a koi pond etc. Doesn’t it seem that a man who calls me his life partner would care about this situation enough to at least become my domestic partner or ask me to…he just seems to not care. He never wants to marry – he has kids and all that from his first wife who left him..he is a Virgo and doesn’t like change. We were going to marry initially but it all got to complicated. Now I am thinking of moving to florida where it is cheap and I would be okay selling this house in 2011. I can work from anywhere and they have no income tax but my daughters are close by. It’s just expensive here. Of course, I am very attached to him but it seems a problem without a solution that we can agree on. His solution is that he will leave me some money when he dies but he doesn’t disclose how much. I have this need for security and to feel that someone cares about me enough, which obviously he does not. So I have this tendency to let it all build up and then let it all out and feel hurt. He is very difficult to communicate with…went to boarding schools and was not ever attached in the normal way. he is a good man and we have a lot of love and chemistry and enjoy each other’s company. I wish it could be enough but it can’t. Any ideas. Anyone heard of the red hats for women over 50? I feel like I am at crossroads. when my ex was in the papers, a lot of my friends in this suburban town kind of dumped me. Only my really old friends from back east where I grew up didn’t and a few college friends but they are dispersed around the country. I guess I was not of their ilk and was so immersed in work and family “problems” I worked almost all the time and still do but will be able to slow down when I sell my house. I am really sad because I know this will end and scared as well because when you are just alone, it is hard. Even my gym everyone is married or in a couple unless they are young. There might be one or two but they are just looking for husbands. I am looking for a companion and a relationship like I had once where someone cares about me and I care about them. it seems kind of one sided now. It is also embarassing at family events since he is from another country – everyone is married and since we met the single ones have married, his one child has married. I have a Latino background so maybe this one built into me as being a sap. I don’t know what to think. I love the person but it doesn’t seem right and it hurts my sense of pride. My daughters like him think he is kind of boring but boring is fine after what i have been through. We have broken up a few times but ended up getting back together the last time he promised to be my life partner and that he would leave me enough at his passing so I could feel secure yet it bothers me that he never tells me how much but he never has lied to me, either. He never overpromises but It is just bad communication or am I crazy to be in this relationship? I would go to counseling but need to buy a car and get rid of my house in the spring after the holiday season which is just around the corner and I make my best sales then in the winter it’s busy on the internet. Summer is dead and summer is the time I have time to think about these things. Normally i am too busy to care, it’s summer now and here I am thinking way too much. I got in a huge fight with him last night over this and left the house. He never responds to anything about it.
Dear Edgely – My heart goes out to you – so much pain and indecision – but I hardly know what to say. Sometimes you just have to assess the positives in your life and go with them. And, buried in all of the above, there ARE some strong positives. If happiness (and not a lavish lifestyle) is your goal, you can have it…and afford it. I live quite well on much less than $5000 per month (your mortgage payment). So, if you’re able to earn that selling on Ebay, you can live well in the real world (ie, not California). Let’s face facts. You don’t NEED a koi pond…nor a big ranch house, nor an alliance (with even a good guy) who drives you nuts. And, you don’t NEED to stay where you are, physically or mentally.
Reality: Your Mother, her needs and her contributions are now gone. I assume that your daughters are now young adults. It’s hard to quit parenting, but they WILL proceed with their own lives and they WILL go where life takes them. You are free to do the same. The fantasy partnership you envision seems to be based more out of your perceived “needs” than your happiness, his, or what each of you might bring TO a relationship (not take from it). You do have a sense of pride and you have identified the problems – you just need to step back and make a life-plan that You can handle by yourself. Only then can you expect someone else to WANT to be with you, much less take on your burdens.
It’s difficult to duplicate the wonderful California wealther, but there are some great buys in the Greater Phoenix area right now…or The Woodlands area of Houston, Texas. And wonderful small communities all over the nation where you could live quite well on $5000. You’ve held a responsible job, so there is no reason you can’t sit down and write out an outline of what you want the rest of your life to be like. Occasionally, we are lucky and fate provides for our needs and wants…but more often. we have a plan, break it down into doable segments, and start biting them off one by one. We know what you DON’T WANT…and you are edging around what you DO WANT…but you haven’t committed to it. So my input is:
(1) make a budget (and quit depending on any given man, employer, or other provider) to bail you out in the name of love. You’ve already shown that you’re a surviver, so rely on that.
(2) Get a copy of Carol Orsborn’s new book, “The Art of Resiliance.” It’s easy common sense reading and helps you recognize that what you have survived gives you strength (and the opportunity) to open new doors. Carol works with VN, so you can search for her name on this site and order a copy of her book from her or Amazon.
(3) Talk to one or more real estate brokers about marketubg your home and what you can realistically expect to sell for in this market. Armed with good information, you can make tentative plans to move on.
(4) Give some serious thought to whether you really “love” your neighbor AND his compulsive behavior or whether you just see him as a fix to your situation. In love, you accept each other as is. He doesn’t seem to be willing to do that and when you think about it, you probably don’t either. Understand that ultimatums really don’t work – you are giving him the power over whether you feel safe and happy. It’s not HIS power, it’s yours. And it’s not HIS decision, it’s YOURS. In almost every instance, only one person decides – the other reacts. He may react differently when you present him with YOUR plan and YOUR decision to move on. If he does, plans are made to be changed!!!
Start with these positive thoughts – you earn more than most people in the U.S. You already have resiliance or you wouldn’t have survived all that has come your way. You have options. And hopefully, you still have reasonably good health. These are HUGE positives. Go with them.
Thanks! I agree that I should sell the place for a Condo and will do that. Right now I can make enough selling jewelry on line to make the payments but it is filled with stress and I agree with everything you say. I do love the guy and enjoy his company a lot and if I need something I can ask. I guess my problem is I HATE TO ASK for things and he has to be asked. Not things I mean not money just things. I think I will hang in there until I move, it’s nothing that he did. He is just a person that has lived alone so long and even his family asks me when I will move in there or that I should, but deep down I know it won’t work that way. I guess I should embrace another adventure and next spring ( I hve so much stuff from my brother, my dad and mom,my ex store here plus my business inventory and computers, it will take awhile and Christmas is always a nice boost) I will read that book too while it’s slow in the summer. Right now I have no plans once I have them…and once I move and move all my inventory without losing money I will do that. Who knows? I could have enough just with my jewelry business to do on the side. You are right. Negativity is a bad thing. Yes I have good health. I really appreciate your taking the time to write. It really means a lot.
By the way, I never saw him as a fix to a situation. Never been an “any port in the storm” type. We talk about everything he is very intelligent and well informed and fun. We like hiking and travel and have a lot in common, we just can’t live together. I know he is right too. I guess it is when women ask me about it, it makes me uncomfortable, they make me feel like I am stupid etc. to be in this type of relationship. I guess everyone is different have never married anyone for money and never will…just am sensitive I guess! I am a buncle of conflicting emotions sometimes and you are right about glass half empty thinking too!
I am 56 years old….I feel so happy, and I’m not afraid of being alone at all…I do miss sharing with a loving male partner sometimes….However, without the right male partner, I end up giving up what I really like, and want to do in life, to become a doormat for serving their needs…
So, all in all, I am very happy right now!