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Divorcing a Sociopath Hot Conversation

Has anyone ever filed for divorce from a diagnosed sociopath? I am 52 and have been married for 27 yrs. After four years of marriage counseling I had no recourse but to file for divorce. He has turned the lives of our three grown children and one granddaughter into a LIVING HELL !!!!! The suffering is immense!!!!

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13 Responses

  1. Generic Image Scuba P says

    Yikes, are you safe living with him?  If he is a sociopath that means he feels no remorse, no compassion, no real regard for right and wrong. I think you need to consider moving out ASAP.  If he has been or is currently dangerous, go NOW!  Have you talked to police, psychiatrists, or an attorney to find out what rights or protections you have and what his rights are? 

    If you feel unsafe, you must leave.  If he is, as you say, a sociopath, then you must leave even if you think you’re safe.  Find out your options and think about how you (and your children) will defend yourselves in a potential crisis. 

    Don’t wait for something bad to happen.

    1 like

    • Generic Image dillin257 says

      I would also add, get organized and leave when he’s not there, if possible. Don’t give him any hints that you’re going, or he’ll manipulate the situation. If you have to move lots of things be sure to have lots of help, including men.  

      3 like

    • Generic Image Frances F. says

      Scuba,

      I did move out immediately and have been separated for a year now. He stalls every divorce action and is determined to “starve me out”, his words, and make sure that I get Nothing from the divorce. He has been able to alienate two of my children from me. He has turned our lives into utter, evil, vindictive chaos. He has a girlfriend he goes out with all of the time and takes pleasure in hurting me, mydaughter and granddaughter. I am familiar with all of the literature on sociopaths. No doubt my husband fits the mold, BUT it is so hard trying to survive this. My greatest concern is for my children and their emotional well being. I’m just so heartbroken and devastated guess I needed somewhere to vent. Hoping I’m not the only one and that this will go away .  Thanks for responding !!!

      4 like

      • Generic Image Old tom boy says

        You need to be ready for the long fight.  He will control the situation as long as possible but the old adage is that she who waits the longest wins.  You don’t say how old these kids are but if you’ve been with the psycho for 27 years they probably aren’t kids but grown ups that will have to make their own decisions. 

        27 years is exactly how long I was with my own nemesis.  The dynamics sound the same.  Initially he had our daughter convinced mom was the evil one but these kind eat their young so just hang in there and he will turn on them as well.  You cannot convince the unconvincible so don’t try.  I know that easier said than done but you have to stand your ground or be run under.

        Surely you aren’t surprised he is going to inflict pain at every turn to everyone he possibly can are you?  He’s been doing it from the beginning even if you didn’t see it. You must see this as a fight worth winning unless you want out bad enough to give up all the assets that you are entitled to. He will still hurt people in your family because they will let him. 

        Nothing is going to change this situation so you have to change yourself and be your  own best friend.  You know what you would tell your best friend if they were in this situation so listen up and do it.

        I had to do my yearly viewing of the jerk this weekend.  Mine married a girl 3 years older than our daughter and have a child that fits between our grandkids. I know where you are coming from. 

        Change yourself and choose to find happiness inspite of him.  Set a good example for your daughters because I’ll bet they will need it in their own lives. Be brave, be cheerful, and be smart.  It’s your life. Take charge of it and make good decisions no matter what and those good decisions will lead to a better life.

         

         

        13 like

      • Generic Image Frances F. says

        THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH Old tom boy !!!!!!!!  This is exactly what I needed to hear. I knew it but I needed someone else to tell me.  I only hope and pray my children will eventually get sick and tired of his antics and come back to the one who has always tried to protect them. I love them unconditionally and he is not capable of that. Thank you so much for responding. Today has been especially hard for me. I”m generally focused and in control BUT today has been rough. There are some good assets my husband is trying to hide and I am determined to fight him to the end.  Again thanks for your response !!!!!!

        2 like

      • JoanPrice JoanPrice says

        Life has led you to such wisdom, Old tom boy. Thank you for sharng it here.

        1 like

  2. Lynnette Lynnette says

    if you are a wreck, he is winning.  This will end when the divorce is final when the facts are out and he will have to live w/them.  Now he thinks that by making your life miserable you will withdraw and he will get his wish.  DON’T…. he is a bully and probably felt that he had you under his domain and is probably in shock that you finally said – ENOUGH!  Don’t let him win this fight… keep on going.  Your children will eventually get it.  They are adults and they are strong.  This is just a phase and life is not pink.   BE BRAVE AND DON’T TURN BACK!

    5 like

    • JoanPrice JoanPrice says

      Good comment, Lynnette. I’ll add GET A GOOD LAWYER and read Erica Manfred’s book, He’s History, You’re Not. She was interviewed on VN.

      2 like

    • Generic Image Frances F. says

      Lynnette,

      You are SOO0 right !! He never dreamed I would stand up to him, much less stand my ground for so long. He is beginning to self destruct. He is losing control and so many people are seeing it now. I JUST MISS MY TWO CHILDREN SO MUCH !!  No contact with them whatsoever. They ignore all of my attempts to talk to them. BUT I will see this to the end. I am doing this for all of us and hopefully when the divorce is final they will see the light.   Thanks so much !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      5 like

      • heartfelt heartfelt says

        my x husband has done everything to destroy me-even a diagnosis of breast cancer 2 years ago did not mellow this monster.in fact he accussed me of exaggerating cancer! the saddest thing is my 3 teenage children believe him! he has convinced them i am crazy and a manipulator and because i am still alive i must have been exaggerating the cancer-though they witnessed my surgery, chemo etc. its unbelievable that he has such an influence over them. i worked throughout my marriage sent kids to private school always there for them etc-they mainly stay with their dad  i had to give up the marital home-allmy savings gone on surving cancer and divorce fees. the kids know there dad isnt normal but when i try and dicuss sociopath with them they dismiss it as my paranoia and think i am trying to turn them against him! even when they witness his behaviour they make excuses for him.my heart is broken-i love my children and miss them so much. they seem to be punishing me

        3 like

  3. Generic Image borderbelle says

     
    I was married to a man like this. We had two wonderful sons, and finally, divorced last year. I’m quite certain that I would not have waited 26 years to do this if I had just had the courage to reach out sooner. But I never spoke to anyone about the difficulties of my marriage in all those years. My ex was always so charismatic, he was always the center of attention, telling jokes, well liked, making everyone laugh. In fact, I lived very much in his shadow for so many years, always making excuses for him, smoothing out the lies, walking on eggshells, calming down the boys. I actually thought I was not good enough. He always believed he had the right to do what he wanted, and he made me feel guilty about so many day-to-day things, things as simple as food choices. And then he would tell me that it was my choice to feel guilty, that he had nothing to do with it. I actually believed him.

    I almost started divorce proceedings 12 years ago, just about the time he was diagnosed with diabetes. But with the diagnosis and one medical episode after another, I just couldn’t do it. With his refusal to make lifestyle changes, his condition worsened rapidly, and eventually, I worked during the day, and administered dialysis for him at night, often being up until midnight or 1 a.m. This continued for nearly a year. There were constant visits to the hospital, and medical facilities, hyperbaric chamber, infectious disease docs, eye surgeons, countless trips to emergency room for heart related or medicine related conditions. When I left to visit my mother for a week in another state, he started going to the kidney center – and I was secretly so relieved. He continued going to the center for his treatments.

    Finally, someone reached out to me that I had not seen or heard from in over 3 decades – the timing was perfect. He became a sounding board for me, and for some strange  reason I confided in him. He helped me see clearly, without interjecting himself into the situation. And, it was only a matter of months before I actually mustered up the courage to end my marriage. I didn’t care about the financial issues, because my ex was addicted to spending and we had never been able to save anything. I was, however, riddled with guilt about leaving a sick man. What kind of a person does that? But with all of the anxiety about money, and how he spent it all, how he refused to accept any responsibility, how he controlled and manipulated, ignored the rules, blamed, with how he lashed out –  I knew I had to be away from him. I was beaten down, felt trapped, and somehow knew that I would die if I didn’t make this change. I wanted desperately to start over and be free of it.

    Our sons are grown; with a little help from a friend I rented a small studio, then a little apt. I felt like I was living in my car, moving around so much with just a few belongings. I was finally able to rent a small house that my oldest son was remodeling, and it seemed a bit more like home even though it didn’t have floors for several months. My younger son came to live with me for a few months. At first both my boys thought I was being selfish, and then came to understand that I needed to live my life, and that I deserved to have a good life. I understand that they were dealing with their own issues, and I was patient. I was careful not to take sides. He is their father, and they are stuck with that, and I’m sorry for it. But they now understand the manipulations, the deceit, the criticism and outbursts used in an attempt to control others, and they are now learning to set their own boundaries.

    Several remarkable things happened in the past year. One of the first revelations was that when I finally made the decision to leave, I actually talked to some family members and friends expecting the worst. Much to my surprise I realized that so many people loved me, for me, and they were amazed that it took me so long to leave him! The one friend who was a catalyst for me, was available on the phone whenever I needed someone to talk to, or when I needed reassurance that I was making the right decision. And without ever telling me what to do, he helped me see what the reality was. It has been a year and a half, and I can still depend on his guidance.

    With respect to my kids, well it took a little time, but they came around. As for me, I didn’t think I would ever think that I would feel secure. I felt as though I was floating and that I couldn’t grab on to anything, or anyone. I had no financial security, I was turning 60, I was an empty nester and I was all alone – it was daunting. My job in sales is very social and I enjoy it, and thankfully, decided that that would be the one thread of stability in my life, and I am still there.

    So, here I am, about a year and a half after leaving. My friend told me that at first I would feel like I was taking 1 step forward, and 3 steps back, but that would improve. He was right as he was about so many things. Today, I feel like I’m taking 8 steps forward and 1 step back. And I have epiphanies all the time. Insights that surprise me, as my true self reveals itself. Today I am more fit than I have been in decades; I’ve lost  70 lbs., I relish my exercise sessions that seem to power everything else in my life. I make healthy food choices, I get enough sleep and I live my life on a fairly regular schedule. And all of a sudden lately, I am actually feeling happy with my life. My cholesterol readings dropped dramatically, and  A1C (for diabetes) dropped to normal levels, all without medication. I knew logically, that I should be grateful that I have a nice little roof over my head, a job that I enjoy, two wonderful sons, and a few extraordinary friends. But I didn’t believe it in my heart. I was scared and often felt confused and helpless during my transition. But now I feel confident, happy, and even though I haven’t worked out the financial side of things, I do feel strangely secure.

    I am a little surprised – I’m actually feeling happy. I will not allow myself to be assimilated into someone else’s life ever again. I am thankful that I’m free to love, and to be loved, and to transform myself as I wish. I enjoy my time with my sons as they make their own way, but mostly, I enjoy my time with me. This sounds a bit cliche, but thank God, I am free to be me.
    I hope you can find one person that you can talk to, perhaps a therapist, or a close friend who reinforces your worth, and helps you during your journey. If I were to look back, I would have sought out this kind of help over a decade ago. I’m thankful that a friend came into my life when I needed him most, because I’m not sure I would have been able to do this on my own.
    And, I hope my story helps you in some way; that you are able to hold your life in such high esteem that you will continue growing. You can transition to a full, new life – it takes a little time, and you will need a little help, but it is worth it.

    I am now 60 in bloom – I’m inspired to write a blog someday and that will be its title. I honestly believe that the last trimester of my life will be the best.
     

    13 like

    • Generic Image beenthere2 says

      I could have written this myself.   I was mentally  abused as well for years.  I finally started confiding in family and my dearest friend, it took me 5 years of misery to finally tell him I was leaving.  And you know what?  He was in the midst of an 8 year affair anyway.    I’m trying so hard to divorce this lying pig, but he is stalling at every turn. His  Income has gone down $200k in the past 2 years, pulling all the tricks.  I am going to go down fighting, my children are older and see him for what he is, they saw it long before I did.  I’m working as much as I possibly can, and friends have come out of the woodwork that I haven’t seen for years.  Seems he offended everyone.  My life is so full now with love from friends and family although I was betrayed so badly and feel that pain, I don’t have to feel inferior or walk on egg shells anymore.  Glad I found this website.  I want to start a support group in my area for other people going through this. It’s an unspoken about, silent hell.  Just as an aside, he nevers misses Sunday Mass!!

      6 like

  4. Generic Image getting out says

    Wow, every divorce story is EXACTLY what my hopefully-soon-to-be-ex is pulling in our divorce. Thank you to everyone for sharing, it helps so much to know i’m not alone.

    5 like

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