All friends are married 20+ years and everyone is resigned to having made a trade off. I can’t help but notice this when I see their eyes divert off to the horizon as they pause to make sense of their thoughts. I guess, it’s human nature. Even I once was like them, making relationship decisions with my head instead of the heart resulting in ignorance of the power of my intuition and the signs of divine intervention. I’ve come to know this the hard way but I’m not feeling selfish or guilty. After 28 years of marriage, I decided to divorce. I accept the emotional damage because it isn’t avoidable but necessary to grow for all involved. In my case, my divorce was inevitable.
For men I know, there is a prevailing theme. “Cheaper to keep her” comes to mind or they have open relationships (as long as no one embarrass the other), or they are in unusual relationships for the sake of image (one is gay, one is not) or they live separately,never to divorce. Some have young children, on their second marriage, or third (what we’re they thinking?). Oh, they weren’t!!! That’s right! 
Still others have a wife as a business partner with financial complications, so they don’t want to “lose everything” despite their “lifetime earning high six figures” wife (which would mean he would be entitled to half as well, or maybe not). Even if the other women isn’t after his money, will sign a prenup and he believes this, he is still in fear of starting over. Except in Hollywood where none of this matters! lol
Outside of Hollywood though, some men feel justified to have outside “distractions” as long as they don’t become “addicted” because they are convinced their wife is detached emotionally. But the drama doesn’t begin until they ask for a divorce. Most men I know avoid emotional confrontation like the plague and it’s easier to live with the status quo then to live alone.
I’m left with believing men have the toughest time doing the intense reflection it takes to make a move one way or another and the visualization required to anticipate their motivations to move on with their lives, whether someone is within their sights or not. My ex always said, no one leaves without another waiting in the wings. Yet, that was not true for me. The decision to leave slowly evolved over a dozen years until my spirit could no longer settle for mediocre when the relationship was thought to be at it’s best. I’m of the belief that a successful marriage isn’t measured by a timeline on a calendar and what matters most is quality over quantity.When having fun and learning cease, not to mention sexual attraction for only them, romance and deep attachment, it’s time to go. All of which has nothing to do with financial and may sound naive. Yet, here again, I’m a woman of faith and I believe the scripture that promises we all will be provided for, even more so than we deserve. If not for that belief, the vultures circling over my home for years would not have been held back by His hand.
Which reminds me of a court guard who once offered unsolicited advice when he saw me sitting in the hall of the Bridgeport courthouse. I never saw him approach me but he stood beside me, his back against the wall and started speaking to me as if we were already in deep conversation. He said: “It’s all about finding your happiness.” I looked up at him and the first words I spoke were: “Are you an angel?” So, as it was, I did the unconventional and left my marriage to find happiness in my middle years and up until the judges gavel dropped, my ex thought we would reconcile. Denial is never a friend to anyone.
So, here I sit in the Tazza Cafe listening to classic rock radio and like a time machine, I’m pondering the youth I’ve left behind, which now has led me to my dermatologist’s office to erase the earned wrinkles, both happy and sad. On surface, it’s superficial and yet, it is comforting to look in the mirror and see the girl I once was looking back at me after a few fillers and strategically placed botox. Even if only for a few months, the ” magic line eraser” makes me feel better. Here I am, a 54 year old young at heart woman who is thrust into the competitive world for lucrative employment against well educated, intelligent women and many more years on the calendar and I’m not ready to pass the baton. So, I take the leap of faith to earn enough financially not to rely on my children when the color no longer covers my white hair and the botox can’t defy gravity.
I don’t regret being a stay at home mom as I have the best memories which are by far more valuable than any material thing I left behind or never owned. Although I was always planning to return to my career when they were in their teens, I just didn’t count on him remaining a child himself. Life is funny that way.
Have you experienced divorce after a long-term marriage?
What lessons did you gain from the experience?
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Yes I get that you meant in the work place, not dating. But the original poster did use the example of Julia Roberts getting what she wants from a man by using her femininity. I don't see that as strong. As you know she was a hooker? This comparison 
This is extremely well written and thoughtful, and refreshingly free of the bitterness, self-pity, or victim mentality that we so often lapse into when we deal with such difficult times.
Hooray for you! I wish all the best for you in your new adventure. I hope you find all that you are looking for, and that your faith will carry you on “wings like eagles”. Just reading this, I know you will flourish!
I am also a woman of faith, and it took all of my courage to get a divorce after 31 years of abuse. Unfortunately, my church joined in the (spiritual) abuse and voted me out of membership (long story) I have a website with over 20,000 hits because of what happened. I pray for a man to love me, but in the meantime; still working, going to school and moderator of an abused survivors’ group. Hugs n Love, Alice
I also left a marriage after 28 years. It isn’t/wasn’t easy. I’m the working poor, but……it’s heaven compared to sleeping beside someone you don’t love. And I just didn’t love him anymore
Life is very very short! and you have only one, live it, being honest to yourself bring happiness in you and around you. Respect your past ..you learn from it. We did not divorce, my husband past away ok not the same, we really where in love. but I decide to be happy and start a new chapter. Funny thing I taught that all couple were the same, now friends come around and complain..my wife is this…my husband don’t do nothing. We were lucky….but if you are not happy or satisfy with your situation do something. life is to important. Your adult kids will see someone who is true to herself or himself. I miss him immensely, the last lesson I got from being married with that wonderful person, is happiness is very very important, and life is to short…live it!
I am in the middle of my divorce. It has been 15 months. I am the one who wanted it after 25 years. I am finding happiness but not with someone else. I am finding it within myself. I had no idea who I was anymore. I am constantly finding out new things about myself. And learning it’s okay to be alone compared to being married and always being lonely.
We were both teenagers when we married 43 years ago. We have five adult children and seven wonderful grandchildren. However, time does not heal old wounds. Very early in our marriage I was guilty of extra marital indiscretions that even after 37 years my husband was not able to find the forgiveness for me to allow our marriage to survive. We tried and there were periods of forgiveness that never lasted. He would always relapse and even though nothing was said we both knew what his mental and emotional abuse was about. We both became Christians 37 years ago and we were both actively involved in Church. However our relationship with the Lord was not enough for our relationship with each other to survive. I decided it was time to leave a marriage that was so unhappy for both of us. Being sixty is not a time to be miserable and unhappy if your husband is still hanging on to old wounds. Why should anyone be sentenced to a lifetime of bondage and control? When I first talked with my lawyer he said, “You do not have to stay married, you have a right to a divorce.” Imagine that I didn’t have to stay married. Our children are all adults, they have gone through college and have good careers. I don’t have to stay married. Somehow being a leader in church I felt I had to keep it together. I am sure we looked good together on the outside, but when we got home we would go to our perceptive corners. I would go to my sewing room or the family room and he would go to the bedroom. What a life! Don’t get me wrong we had some good times but there were always under lying issues. Whenever we talked about the issues it would always be what did you do in 1972 and why did you do it. I have the courage now to leave the old behind and with the support from my children I have moved on. My children are helping me financially, and emotionally. They have even given me a place to stay until I can live on my own. They knew what I was going through with their dad and wondered why it took me so long to wake up. I really had my eyes closed all those years and was definitely in denial. Now my eyes are wide opened and I am experiencing freedom for the first time in my life. My advice to anyone is wake up and do what you need to for your own peace of mind. Life is too short not to live it well!
I left my husband after 27 years of emotional abuse. I too, was a stay at home mom with no degree, so finding a job was very tough. Eventually I found one with enough salary and benefits so I could live frugally without going into debt, except for the new mortgage at 53.
After the divorce, I was diagnosed with PTSD because of the emotional abuse I suffered. However, to finally go through with it was the most difficult decision I ever made. Part of me still loved him, but we fought constantly. He would make a loving grand gesture and everything would be OK for a couple of months, only to have the peace broken over trivial matters, things that other people would just brush off. I realized that this had been the pattern for decades and decided I just didn’t want to live like that anymore.
After I left him, it was a couple of years of tears, angst and him trying to court me back…..but the pattern was still there, so I finally pulled the plug. There was such a feeling of relief it was undescribable. I was lonely, yes, but for the first time in 30 years i didn’t feel as though I was walking on eggshells or waiting for ‘the other shoe to drop’.
I regret not having done it sooner. My daughters have suffered lasting problems from the tension in that household. One has blocked many of the bad memories, but struggles with addiciton and overeating. The other still experiences the pain and she has heroin addiction, even 13 years later.
Fortunately for me, not long after the divorce I met a kind, gentle man, a bachelor. We differ in many ways, but agree on moral principles, politics and have enough similar hobbies and interests to fuel a relationship. We took it very slow, remained platonic friends for a full year, before he showed his romantic intentions. Therefore, we genuinely like each other. We just celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary.
I guess what I learned is that a bad relationship probably won’t change; if it isn’t working it’s best to leave it, as difficult as it is. And the most important thing is to LIKE the person you are with. Heart thumping passionate love is wonderful, until it settles into the monotony of everyday life. If you like each other, however, there is a solid base to build a more mature, lasting love.
what a brave bunch we are. cheers! honoured to be in the company of such strong women. Coming to such a decision is not easy but life is short and we need to be happy. Calm, serene and happy!
Blanche
I, too, left a well-established marriage at age 60 after 38 years of marriage, and our divorce finalized 9 days past anniversary 39. There is no need to re-hash the reasons or the history, as the original question was about the lessons we’ve learned after being divorced late in life.
These are some things I have learned:
I have learned to live alone, having never had the experience in any of the previous 60 years.
I have learned what I like to watch on TV because I now control the remote device.
I have learned whom to trust and not to trust when seeking advice, whether financial or buying major items.
I have learned that I don’t have to do all the home maintenance because there are good handymen in my community happy for the work; they get it right usually the first time and they don’t grumble and complain as they do the work.
I have learned that I like making my own decisions without having to consider another’s opinions or asking permission or having to argue with that person before I can proceed.
I have learned I like traveling on my own and doing what I want when I want, whether that is something or nothing at all.
I have learned that I am happier now than anytime in the past because I am in charge of my life. I am not rich but I am comfortable and can look at this post-divorce house and furnishings and everything else and say, “This I did for me.”
The sixth anniversary of my divorce was August 14. I went out to dinner and had wine with me, myself and I. We had a lovely time making plans for the coming year.
It seems that you have learned well from time and experience. I hope that at the end of my journey I too can say, I have finished well. I am learning now to get in touch with my inner self. I am looking forward to accomplishing all that is intended for me. Today I have learned to be patent and wait, not to rush into making a decision because I am anxious to do something.
Good for you! I admit I’m a bit envious of your time alone, as much as I love my new husband. We met so soon after my separation that I barely had time to experience my alone-ness before I had a companion again, albeit a very compatible one. It’s those small things like controlling the TV and not cooking dinner if I don’t feel like it that I miss. I hope your next year brings you joy.
Thank you for your comments.
I have never thought about what I’ve learned, only what I lost, which has had a negative impact on everything in my life.
I think it’s time to shed the mantle of shame.
time4me, I do understand the shame of losing a long-term marriage. I felt that way for a while too. I felt like it was my fault it didn’t work. A little time to get over the emotional trauma, and I realized that I had been trying the entire 30 years to hold it together. He was the one that failed me.
I would venture a guess tha many of us lost a lot with divorce. We had spent so much money on lawyers, eventually we decided to just sign the papers ourselves and get on with it. That is the one decision I regret. I lost a beautiful, large house in a nice neighborhood. He wouldn’t leave and I couldn’t stand it anymore so I moved out. I got the stocks he had acquired, which lost a lot of money since then. So in financial matters, I have lost.
I also lost (eventually) feelings of anxiety, fear and an emotional roller coaster. No more cowering every time he got angry over anything, no more hearing that I was stupid.
I hope you can heal eventually and shed that mantle of shame.
Using the word “shame” will denigrate any situation where it is used. So just STOP IT!!
You made a decision to marry. Then you made a decision that this one-way relationship was unrewarding. Many of us have done that, there is nothing shameful. When you knew all that you do now, would you make the same decision? Likely NO. It is today and you have more information than in the way back. We do the best we can with what we are given; and when that is too …(something)….we make a different decision.
No shame, no blame. As my small son used to say “well, I change my mind”. As did you, the rose is not so …well rosey… Now your task is to reinvent yourself. Change is an inside job. No point in working on him. He will continue to do what he does, well ….. until he too changes his mind … or not.
The focus is on you and things that will make your heart sing. NO SHAME…. Just be gentle with yourself. Start to examine your language. Do you say “I can’t…” The more truthful is yes, I sing just not very well. Avoid “I can’t, I am unable..” basically anything that reduces your value, I choose not to also works.
Lose the shame and come back to Vibrant Nation and become yet another warrior woman capable of making different choices. I think we have/or most of us have made decisions that make the “now” me dizzy in wonderment. Now is a different time and we CAN MAKE DIFFERENT DECISIONS, so reformat the “shame”, call it a lapse in good judgement, and welcome warrior woman.
Here’s to another woman who has been blessed with the ability/courage to find a way to have a life once again without a full-time partner/spouse.
For the first while, I was overwhelmed by the apparent “couple-ness” of our world. Then gradually as I began to heal [we separated just prior to what would have been anniversary #22] like you, I began to discover the joys and beauties of this life which had always been around me but for which I had lost my ability to fully appreciate in light of stresses/emotional abandonment/incompatability/etc/etc.
I may be alone now but I am not lonely as I had become during the marriage. Strange how that can happen……in fact, I am far, far more balanced in ALL aspects of my life and I greet each and every day with gratitude and my ever-present smile.
Thank you, CBW, for sharing. Perhaps our destined paths shall cross one day.
Life is good.
AE
PS I am 66 years young & have the enthusiasm [maybe not the endurance, though!!] of one of far fewer years.
Wow! I am simply and absolutely blown away by you all! I too left an unfulfilling marriage to find myself. I didn’t date for 15 months during which time I cried, prayed, vented on this site over and over…and found support and understanding here.
Slowly I have rediscovered myself and some of the manifestations of that have been a little surprising and kind of fun. Although some of them seem a little superficial, given I live in the buckle of the bible belt in rural Alabama…they aren’t really.
1. I stopped wearing suits to work. Sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it? I have an administrative position at the central office of a school system and the standard for my position was suits and/or conservative apparel. I relaxed my wardrobe although it’s still appropriate. I lightened up, laugh with my staff…and am much more approachable and, I think, effective. And just a shade on the funky side which suits my true personality.
2. I started saying yes to things I normally would have immediately discounted because my husband would not approve, and I started saying no when I just didn’t want to do something. No explanation to the no…just a smile and a no, but thank you.
3. I stopped going to church where I left angry every week because of the narrow-minded, judgmental attitudes and holier-than-thou rhetoric. One of my very best friends is a gay man and if I had to listen one more time about how he and others chose to be gay…I would explode and embarrass my sweet parents which I wouldn’t want to do. I tried a few different churches, but have decided for right now that God and I are fine, but church and I are not. I can’t tell you how many people ask, “Where do you attend church?” I used to say…”I am looking for a church,” which satisfied them. Now I just say, “I don’t” and maybe at some point I will get to the point to ask why they want to know. Maybe. I still live here and they mean well.
4. I stopped putting on makeup and fixing my hair to go to the grocery store or the hardware store or most anywhere else on weekends. Another biggie for rural Alabama me. I do still bathe and brush my teeth
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5. I stopped feeling sorry for my ex husband.
6. I stopped letting my children…who I love dearly…express their opinions about what I do. I told them they could do that to me only if I could do that to them. They are 25 and 27 and don’t want my intrusion in their lives, so they may not approve, but they don’t want the consequences
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7. I stopped letting my parents’ approval shape my behavior. They have been doing that for 56 years. I sat them down and gently told them I appreciated all their parenting endeavors…for 56 years…but I thought I could take it from here. Same thing for my baby sister who always knows what’s right for me
.
In other words, I declared my independence and does it ever feel great!
Then I met a man online who is absolutely nothing like what the old, contrived, appropriate me would have considered. And we are having fun. And I like him…and he is completely disinterested in my wardrobe or any other trappings I used to think were important. He is interested in THIS Vicky. The real one. The happy one. The slightly funky one.
There is life after a divorce, but sometimes it takes a lot of soul-searching and a healthy dose of plain old courage to find it!
Wow, Vicky! How far you’ve come! Declaring your independence! I like that so much. I’m not sure I did that in actual words, but I have via my actions and choices. My dad had passed and my mom was in her final illness when I finally grew up and left my marriage. I told her I left the marriage and some of her final words to me were: ”Don’t make it permanent.” I did, and without guilt, thinking I had stayed to long in the marriage, as you said, keeping it together. for the sake of propriety or parental approval.
Anyhow, I am sorry you’ve found there, as I have here in Arizona, the judgmental church people and their lack of acceptance of lifestyles that don’t fit traditional mode. I also gave up going to church or being part of a congregation. I just couldn’t find the fit I needed, and decided that my relationship with God was comfortable for me and did not need weekly public declarations.
Life after divorce is exactly what we make it! Enjoy.
How do I begin, I have been married 40 years, that’s right you heard me right!
I have never been in love with my husband and I never will be, had to get married!!! I have two grown children, four grand children. My husband is content but I’m so lonely for companionship that I feel like I could snap at any time! I finally got the nerve to leave him a few months ago and he was ready to settle and get a divorce. We were only separated for one month. When he called and said we needed to do it I panicked and thought how am I going to make it and went crawling back and he took me back, anyway it was the wrong thing to do, I know that now but I need advice and just conversation about my predicament .I am 64 but a younger 64. I would like all the input I can get! Thanks so much, God Bless.
Lin 61, I would be happy to talk to you privately. fischerpat@hotmail.com
I am humbled that so many women related to my original post. Without knowing, you have given me even more than Iever could have imagined. Thank you!
As I move forward, it is my 18 year old daughter that will benefit from my devotionto her as her mom, my courage to follow through on my word and my resolve moving forward. A valuable teaching moment that requires no words. Actions speak for themselves and my civil conduct through the divorce remains an example in respect for me, to him and the process despite his behavoir.
Lin61:
Ponder why you left, and why you returned.
Did you get what you wanted, or asked for, when you decided to return?
And, then, how long have you wanted, or asked for, what you needed?
Perhaps, a longer separation would be in order, for you to focus on where you want your life to go. And whether that be with or without him.
And my usual advice: talk to a therapist, a financial planner, and an attorney.
Thank you for your insight on my situation, I was not happy in the marriage and wanted more although he didn’t even see it. I agree I didn’t give it enough time. I was scared and insecure about being on my own but that’s exactly what I wanted was to try and have a better life and sometimes that means making sacrifices to have what you truly want in life. My husband is having some health problems now and I feel guilty even thinking about it but I keep thinking about what might have happened if I had stuck it out for a longer period of time. Again I thank you!!!! you brought up some valad questions!!!!
Oh, how much guilt we sling at ourselves, and sometimes, completely unnecessary. You didn’t cause his health problems. Ok, unless you poisoned him….just kidding!
Also, when a spouse becomes a caregiver, it can be very hard on the marriage, and yes, it makes it that much harder to think about leaving.
But, remember that it’s really just one more fact in your list of pros and cons.
Now,lin61, this will sound very harsh, but will his health problems cause financial difficulties for either of you?
And, did you enjoy your month of separation? And what did you do differently that you felt you couldn’t do before? Just some thoughts.
This really hits home! i walked out 2 months ago from a 51 yr marriage which began at age 18. i am now 69! We are separated on our own, not legally. He wants me to “date” him, to try to win me back. He is terrified of living alone and maybe getting sick in his old age (he is now76). He wants me in the house because i can help him medically, and because to file separately taxes are outrageous. Money is of such high importance to him. He refuses to try to find another woman, states he does not want “baggage”. He insists we can live in harmony in our old age for convenience reasons, and that he does enjoy my company. However, I do not enjoy his. I married needy at 18 to get a father figure. I never felt chemistry, I never loved him. I lived a life of my own, in the arts, doing what I loved to do, but not earning much money doing it, and knowing I could never support myself on my own. I couldn’t bear the thought of leaving the arts, which I would have to do if I left him. At age 54 i celebrated my graduate degree from medical school, but still did not have the guts to leave, yet I had now an income! After 7 months of being in email and phone contact with an old boyfriend of mine in another country, I finally got the courage at age 69 , to do it. Some headache in the middle there, yes, and some heartache with the old boyfriend who i never did end up reuniting with,but I now live alone, self sufficient, do what i want to do when i want to do it, make my own decisions. I started dating a man much younger than me, and I love it. I feel confident and sure of myself. I cannot see myself going back to him for convenience and money. I do understand how a woman wants to go back, but i have not succumbed to it. I now have to get it together to do it legally. That is the big step. I will get there. I am learning to stop feeling guilty that I did not do this years ago, setting him free earlier when he would have been younger, instead of his sitting home and crying how lonely he is, and how he will never look for another woman. I am getting there, and these women who write in give me such a boost, and i hope i can inspire others to have the same. I can tell you, looking for someone,using online dating sites , is the way to go. it diverts your attention at once, gives you confidence, ad meeting and dating a man now is wonderful. How can i ever go back to that husband who cannot make love well, has an inferiority complex, smells, and with whom i have nothing in common to talk about except the grown and married children. I intend to stay in this apt., keep dating, and live life as i want to. He says if I move back with him I can still do everything I want to do. He just does not”get it”. Because he does not “get me”. He refused counseling twice over the years, so now he is running to it, but it is too late. I see women here doing what i should have done years ago. There is some guilt I still carry, trying to shed that, and shed feeling sorry for him, but as time goes on, it gets easier. The important thing I see now is that when i live away from him I DO NOT MISS HIM OR THINK ABOUT HIM! But here I am, doing it now, looking great(I look 50) and trim and firm and beautiful, and I have income, and i concentrate on my assets, so I have confidence and I work on the little things I need to work on,knowing for sure I will succeed. That is the trick. Affirmations that you will succeed.
I am so glad I came to this site today. I love this website and have been here several times. I too have wanted to leave my marriage. June 15, we will be married 40 years. He has lost count and thought it was going to be 39 years. I really cannot complain about a lot of the things he does and says. He can be very loving and is very kind to his children and grandchildren. The things I don’t like about him are that he can be very unkind about things he does not like or understand. he is very rude about some of his beliefs. He makes statements that are just very negative. He is a racist and bigot. He does not think that he is. I retired a few years ago because of health issues and emotional ones too. I could not handle the stress of working a low paying stressful job. I worked at walmart and 2 nursing homes. I quit the nursing homes because I was worried about the cleaning products we were forced to use. The other job I took as a desperate want to get out of the house position. It was part time nights and weekends in the lawn and garden department. It was awful and the dept. manager and I did not agree on much at all. Anyway, back to the marriage. My husband was controlling with money and verbal abuse. I just took it for so many years. I look back now and wish I had stood up to him much sooner. I did leave him for 2 weeks. I got an apartment, moved all of my things to it. All this I was able to do without his knowing it. He was at work and I would pack a few things at a time and move them. I had a lot of stuff! The apartment I moved to demanded quite a bit down and I even managed to get the money out of our account without him knowing it. I did not tell him I was leaving. I just went. I had my daughter call him and tell him. He did not know where I was for 2 weeks. He changed our bank account which cut me off. When I was moving, I began to have very bad negative thoughts. I stopped in at the doctors and got help immediately. That was not me. I was so stressed about the money and having no job. The apartment I got had some shady characters living next to me and I became fearful for my safety. I did not find a job and after 2 weeks I panicked. He gave me some space for a while, but then when I came to get the last of my stuff, we talked for the first time. I could sense that if I went, it would be the end of our life together. I gave in and returned home. I also gave him a list of what I wanted changed. He was very good about changing every thing I listed. He has not gone back on any of that…but I still have not been happy. He has since retired and is here all the time. He wants us to always be together. I have no friends that I see regularly except family. I had lost a lot of weight and I find myself eating my angst. I know that being alone would be a relief. It just scares me too much. I want to have the courage to leave, but to be even more poor than we are now is more than I can do right now. The sad thing is, he thinks everything is fine, always has. Even though I tried for so long to tell him, until I left he had no clue. I truly think that he doesn’t know that I still want to leave. If I go there will be no money to live on. I would have to get welfare. I guess I just want to let someone know how I am feeling. You all talking about it has helped me to at least begin to get courage again. So much has happened in the past 6 years. To begin with, I need someone to talk to me. Thanks for listening.
Hi there, Well, your story brought tears to my eyes – especially the last part about you wanting someone to talk to. That’s me too. I am in a relationship now for almost 15 years. I got engaged just 3 weeks after meeting him but no marriage yet. What does that tell anyone? I don’t want to make this post about me so I would just like to say anytime you want to bend an ear (and wear out your fingers) please reply to me. I will do my best to get back to you as quickly as possible. Just one more personal note. I have been getting so depressed lately because of loneliness that I considered doing a blog (yuck!). So now it occurs to me that somehow the powers that be are intervening and have decided this place shall be the place for me to just let it all go.
KtBLEyes – Hang in there (what a stupid cliche) and be strong. You can do it. Mary
All so sad. It is almost intolerable. You have to know you are one strong warrior woman. Living through those circumstances and being cut off from friends and family is difficult. You only really have two ways out: you can “change your thinking” and that information is available in books. Something by the Dalai Lama, Pema Chodron, other authors have been quoted in various other posting topics. OR 2) is what Princess Diana did — she had to die to leave. I would recommend a book or two, Dr. Phil McGraw makes interesting points. Something has to change for you to continue to live peacefully. “he” does not really matter — that means his face could be any face, the behavior is atrocious and would continue to be regardless of who it was.
Get a book, browse thru the Vibrant Nation postings, lots of great information out there that will support you in feeling better about yourself.
I would encourage you to focus more on changing your thinking, rather than attempts at changing him. You are a sure bet, he is just … well … right about everything…. hard to counter than when not feeling really worthy.
I have given up on changing him. That won’t happen. How can it when he is always right and continues to make me feel like he is always correcting anything I say. I have done lots of reading. For years and years. I have read about every self help book out there. They have helped me change my attitude….a lot. I wonder if I am asking for permission to leave? No. I did not stay gone long enough to find out what I needed to learn about myself. He did say when I was deciding whether to return or stay gone that it would be the last time. That if I left again it would be all over. Plus he had gotten control of the money and I could not get to it. I was not as strong as I needed to be at that time. I am much stronger now. I know I am worthy. At least on some days. I still have days when I have to fight the old demons and realize yes, I am a good person and worth whatever I need to do to feel better. That time when I talked to him about leaving or staying, he asked me if I had “found” myself or what I needed to find. I could not answer him. How do you talk to someone who never listens to what you say or acknowledges that your opinion can be okay…it does not have to agree with him. Many times I have tried and he always makes it about him. EVERY time. I realilize now that I should have walked back out that door and kept going. I was too weak. I had a daughter pregnant and had to choose between family and me. Now that we are all older, I believe my children would be more apt to side with me. Last time I got very little support from any of them. They were trying to remain neutral. My oldest daughter is an attorney, so I could call on her expertise. Our financial status is even more precarious than it was then. My husband is retired and I have several health issues. Don’t get me wrong. I still love him. I always will. That really complicates things a lot. It would be easier if I hated him. If I had better financial support, that would have helped me decide too. It comes down to whether I want to die where I am right now. The answer to that is NO. I welcome any and all ideas as to how to move forward. I have been here so many times and it has come down to the fact that I go with the flow because it is easier not to make waves. But, I am putting back on the weight I worked so hard for so long to lose. I know this is due to the fact that I am very close to giving up on myself….again. Your comments will help me so much. Thanks in advance and thanks Darcy09.
Just remember it is not yours to drag round. His personality is cast in stone, … yeah yeah yeah always right. Practice nodding and smiling and keep quiet otherwise. That way he has no fuel, and will have to make even more up.
You just have you. It is perfectly fine to “still love him”. Just remember you did not promise to like him to the end of your days. Keep the butter side of your bread up, and do what you must to ensure you are intact. Keep your responses non-committal, a “yes” just means you see what his point is from HIS perspective. That is all you are agreeing with. You and I both know to go anyfurther is like throwing gasoline on a fire… Just keep the fuel to yourself and learn to laugh at his “peculiar way of life”. Just careful not to get burned.
Thought to ponder: what is your husband stealing from you? Your heart, your soul, your life. At some point, you must see the lack of kindness, and companionship. my ex-husband was not unfaithful, didn’t drink or gamble, the kinds of things that appear to be reasons to leave. But there is a gut-wrenching loneliness to not being admired or adored! It takes a huge mental, emotional, and eventually physical toll.
It’s o.k. to still love ones husband.
Consider loving him but choosing not to love his behavior.
My Grandma used to say, would we accept mean spiritedness (insert any bad behavior or attitude here) from a friend? Her best line was: “thems the kind of friends ya don’t need!”