“I keep going back and forth—how can I be sure that divorce is the right choice for me? What do I do about my biggest fear—actually telling my husband I’m leaving?”
~ A Vibrant Nation member
Divorce is one of the most difficult decisions you will ever have to face. It’s one that, ultimately, only you can make for yourself. But sorting through your feelings and fears alone can be overwhelming.
Fortunately, other women over 50 understand what you’re going through, and here on Vibrant Nation, they readily share their experiences and hard-won wisdom to help other members.
Recently, when one Vibrant Nation member wrote, “I just need a starting point, but I can’t seem to find it,” members of the Vibrant Nation community shared the following advice.
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If you’re considering a late-in-life divorce:
11 things Vibrant Nation members want you to know
1. You are stronger than you think. “Fear and anxiety are a natural part of this process,” says Vibrant Nation member Cindy. The trick is to not be paralyzed by these feelings, but to go forward, knowing deep in your heart you are going to be okay.
As you do, you will be amazed at just how strong you are. After all, you have raised children, kept a home, and survived the life you now wish or need to leave. Vibrant Nation member Paula shared this after she filed for divorce: “For those of you who have been contemplating divorce for years, believe me when I say you will get stronger with every step you take to do what’s best for you. I feel as though I’ve escaped from prison!”
Adds another member, “I got a divorce after over 20 years of marriage, and I’d do the same thing again in a heartbeat. Life is way too short to be miserable and caught up in drama.”
2. Take your time deciding—then move forward. Whether to stay or leave is a life-changing decision, so you are correct to take your time. “My husband and I worked on our marriage for ten years, including almost three years of marriage counseling,” says Vibrant Nation member Anir. “But nothing worked. One night he said something and I realized I just didn’t love him anymore. By marriage counseling standards, trust can be regained, and love relearned, but the love I had for him had died, so for me, the hope was gone. I would rather get out and learn to live with myself than wait around to relearn to love him. I wanted to go on with my life and be happy—happy with my life, since I wasn’t really living.”
3. Let the side of you that is trying to save itself win. Many of us have spent decades caring for others, so it may be hard to give ourselves permission to put ourselves first now. But remember, you are the most important person in your world. Do whatever is necessary to put this into practice in your life.
“There is no doubt in my mind that it is better to be alone than to be with the wrong person. Being in a bad marriage is like being slowly poisoned—every day. I’ve been there,” says Vibrant Nation Ata. Don’t you deserve better?
“I was 60 when I got a divorce,” says Vibrant Nation member Alicia. “After 36 years of abuse, I did a ton of work. I got into therapy, saw an attorney, kept a journal, read everything I could about divorce. One sentence finally did it for me: ‘Try to let the side of you that is trying to save yourself win.’”
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4. A word about timing: When to run and when to plan. Fear may keep you unhappy in a bad marriage, but you mustn’t shortchange yourself. One Vibrant Nation member keeps it simple: “If he is physically abusive, run. If not, plan.”
5. It’s never too late to have the life that’s true to your heart. “I too made the decision to divorce after 35 years,” says Vibrant Nation member Lilly.
“Sometimes it takes a particular milestone to finally be able to say, ‘It’s time.’ It is a wonderful feeling when you know it’s the right thing to do. No matter what difficulties I have to confront, there is a tremendous feeling of peace for me.”
“I’ve heard folks say if you have lasted this long then you should work it out,” Lilly adds. “But endurance doesn’t mean one must continue on the same path. It does mean having greater strength then we might realize. It’s never too late to have a life that’s true to our hearts.”
6. Learn from the stories of women who have been in your shoes. No matter how alone you feel, thousands of other women are in a very similar position right now. Many more have been in your shoes—and emerged whole on the other side of this crisis. It helps to listen to what they have to say. “I was positively influenced by other women who shared on Vibrant Nation how they found the courage to make a change, and the peace they found after doing so. They helped me refocus my fears into opportunities. I too felt relief when I finally made my decision. The wonderful peace I experienced fueled my courage to interview several attorneys and move forward.”
7. Tell no one until you’ve made your final decision. When it comes to your family and social circle, the less said, the better. Particularly if you expect a divorce might become acrimonious, tell no one until your choice is made. “Loose lips sink ships and can get a person hurt,” warns a Vibrant Nation member. “Tell no one in your social or family circle until you are walking out the door—or are already out.”
But what if you need an outlet? As one Vibrant Nation says, “Our thoughts are with you, and we on VN are always here.” The Vibrant Nation community is a safe place where women just like you are always ready to talk and offer support.
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8. Get professional counseling. Confidential and objective professional advice from a counselor or therapist can be very helpful right now. “I drove myself nuts, arguing with myself for a year, 24/7,” says VN member Alicia. “‘You have to do it. I can’t’ – back and forth. A therapist can help you sort through your tangled, confused feelings.”
9. Build your escape fund. Less financial anxiety means more freedom to make whatever choice is best for you, so squirrel away as much as you can now. And remember, savings are only one component of a smart escape plan. (See below.)
10. Design an escape plan. “Once you’ve made up your mind, there’s no other way to do this rationally but to plan well in advance,” says Vibrant Nation Jody. “People who leave suddenly without planning are setting themselves up for a fall.”
Of course, if your personal safety is an issue, you won’t want to delay—but in general, the more carefully you plan your escape, the better. If you have the luxury of planning ahead, there are specific steps that Vibrant Nation members recommend. Click here to read that advice list, Divorce after 50: 7 tips for designing your escape plan.]
11. Expect to be surprised—by good as well as bad. Yes, the divorce will challenge your physical and mental energy. Hurt and disappointment may strain your emotional resources. But you may also find surprising reserves of strength and sources of support you couldn’t have predicted. “I have had some surprising messages from people I thought never appreciated our friendship,” says one Vibrant Nation member. “I think your departure might shake up a few people. I know mine did.” So keep your heart open.
“The hardest thing I ever did was to divorce my husband of 14 years,” says a Vibrant Nation member. “It was also the best thing I ever did. Instead of my life collapsing, it expanded into new areas where all of a sudden I was smiling a lot. Putting yourself first is one of the hardest things to do, but once you figure out how important it is, you will never look back.”
So be good to yourself, realize that you will have good days and bad days, and look forward to re-discovering your best self.
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What advice would you give a friend considering a late-in-life divorce?
Use my what? where? and the reason is because I "should" have a man. Pray tell at what point does that become pointless? I suggest it is shortly after age 58 when invisibility begins to set in. So I could learn to use my what? when? and for
Hello!
I read each one of the responses before writing and in each one you counter the writer with why you are staying in this situation. When you left, did you think about what kind of life you were going to build for yourself? Because after the ini
Great advice, where was it when I needed it? I left three times before I stayed away for good. Too much fighting and drink, actually too much unhappiness. “suddenly” it was just one day too much, and he was over there and I moved out. It is like loading something, eventually there is one item too mush and then a tipping point, or not. Some go thru the same stuff year after year, afraid to speak up and then time is extended to years before a decision..And if that is life’s path for you, good on you. Mine was less in length and still awful to stay in and painful to leave.