| Divorce | Hot Conversation |
I am 60, and my husband is divorcing me. He already had a girlfriend. I don’t know how to move on and stop loving him. I have jeopardized my job, and I think I am losing my mind.
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I first heard of this word when I took part in the Winter Feast For the Soul. I have been a follower of the meditation teacher Davidji from the Chopra Center for two years now and he taught a lesson on this during the Feast. I play that downloaded me
I eat a larger lunch than I used to and find I don't want to eat as much at dinner. I also find that if I work out after work I am also less hungry. I know people think that exercise makes you hungry but if you drink water before and after a workout,hey Chrissie: We have a Dressbarn here. And dresses are one of my favorite things to wear. But I never have shopped there. I know this sounds silly, but the name is so oft-putting: DressBARN? They really should consider rebranding.
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I saw a great video the other day about a guy who decided to show his opinion of this jerk (and, yes, he is that homely), that he went around to thrift shops and bought up all th A&F shirts he could find and handed them out to the homeless. He isI have shopped Coldwater and have found so,e things I like - I do like Orvis - pricey but lovely styles with many three quarter length sleeves which are flattering as we get older.
I am so sorry and can feel your pain in your letter. Get help! Go to HR and find out what therapists are covered under your medical plan and/or if you can take leave of absence. Reach out to your friends. Take the necessary steps to keep your job!
There are lots of caring women on this site who have been in your shoes or suffered other great loses. We are here to help you.
Below is a thread I found that might be helpful. I thought the response about get the best financial settlement for now, and then work on mending your broken heart.
http://www.vibrantnation.com/work-money/divorce-63/
First of all I want to tell you that my husband divorced me when I was 33, I will be 66 on July 11th. He not only had a girl friend, he was dating most of the neighborhood and a few of my friends. I have been divorce half of my life. We were married for 15 years, from 1964-1979. I raised two sons alone. He walked out, said he wanted his freedom. I was very upset at the time, cried everynight, thought about killing myself, I was completely torn up and crazy. I realize now that he was giving me my freedom, remember I was only 33. I did not have to worry about him running around bringing a disease to me, washing his dirty clothes, waiting on him physically and sexually. Let someone else do that. I love single life, never remarried, never thought about it. I have found out a lot about how husbands are, they love having a wife at home, to cook, wash their clothes, nice clean home to come too, taking good care of his children, etc. That woman or spare he has, is for his sexual happiness. I will never trust another man, when you do see people married, they will always say, “If anything happens to this one, I will never get married again,” I would not take a million dollars for my husband or wife but I would not give 2 cents for another one.” Those kind of statements. So, don’t be upset, he loves it when he sees you upset and that he has made you unhappy. He has done you a great favor, you might not think so now, but you will eventually. At 60, I would live every day like it was your last. There are so many women like you, many women are killed by their husbands or he hires someone. I might sound bitter, I was at first but after 33 years of being single. I thank him for leaving and giving me myself back. If he had a girlfriend while he was married to you, he will do the same to his ladyfriend now. My ex his on his third wife, I was the first. What goes around comes around, you reap what you sew. That is so true. Good Luck and Congratulations.
absolutely right. Ensure you are financially in a good spot. Tame the green-eyed monster by knowing that he will do unto others as he did to yo. They cannot get better treatment than you, he has no skill set for that. Deflated by the news — absolutely. Recovery rate is in the high 90% category. Is it tough to get over — yes, especially when one sits and stews. Go swimming, to the library, take a friend to lunch, get a new bed (just for you), and know you are blessed and important (yes, even to him) you may never know what you taught him. You can relish the information about so many challenges that he has given you. Is it scarey to be alone — yes. Do people advance from the state of fear — yes. Celebrate the energy he has returned to you and ensure you do not use it to relive the cudda.shudda/ifI duddda moments. What is done is done celebrate the new opportunities and absolutely give thanks for the new energy. Tough relationships suck all the energy/oxygen out of the room, leaving little space for forward movement.
The pain is rough. I’ve been through similar but….I am now divorced after 38 years of marriage and I date and have a great time. We, VN ladies, are here for support. It seems overwhelming but not so! First seek therapy- it will help you so much. Put on that make up and look your best. I know it’s difficult but do it. Smile as much as you can. You are still a beautiful and vital woman. Never forget! Keep us posted!
Get a great lawyer and a great therapist! Then be prepared, at least as much as you can be, for some really big highs and some really big lows. Then…learn to love yourself more than you think you love him. I journaled…sometimes on this site, my journey through divorce. When I go back and read what I wrote, I realize how far I have come.
Try not to focus on how happy you think he is…try not to focus on him at all. Focus on YOU. Keep us updated…we are here for you. I promise, it will get better! It will get GOOD!
Believe me I know exactly what you are going through. My husband of 32 years left me for another woman. He had never cheated on me until then. Yes, I’m sure. I became suicidal and didn’t want to live. Anyway nobody can really help you with the pain. It’s something that you have to go through for yourself. However, for a while find someone you can talk to. After you have talked and cried and cried and cried then try to get out of the house and tell friends, relatives and acquaintances that you don’t want to hear anything about him. Yes, I know you do, but the less you hear the better you really will be. Many times you lose your friends or maybe he was your friend and you didn’t really have any others. Look on the internet for “Meetup Groups”. I joined one and it was a lifesaver for me. It cost nothing. The group I joined was a singles over 50. It’s almost all women that attend events and I’m okay with that. Although you do need some alone time to work things out for yourself try not to be alone that much at first. It’s tough.
Two and a half years later I am actually seeing the guy that was our best friend. I don’t know if it will work out but I’m just taking my time and seeing where it goes. Sometimes I still want him back, but when I think about it I’m pretty sure it would never work. I loved him with all I had and he threw me out like yesterdays trash. Do I really want somebody like that? Sometimes the answer is still yes. But the yes answer comes a lot less frequently now.
I feel for you and the next couple of years will be the most difficult years of your life. It will get better, but I still have not really seen the good that many of these women talk about. Maybe one day and maybe never. I think this is one of those things where you will certainly never be the same again because you will always be damaged. Good luck and I will pray for you.
I think the word is “changed” not damaged. the implications of each are different and it is wiser to choose “changed”. You are not damaged because one person decided you are not perfect. The overall view of good news is that a) it did not go on any longer; and b) it is only one person’s view of you. The concern is that he may decide she is not THE one and you are … then what??
I must disagree with thricedivorced. To be married that long and to happen the way it happened to me……I’m damaged through and through. For it to be that many years and think you will never divorce and then it happens. I’m certainly emotionally damaged for the rest of my life. Whether I find somebody else or not, whether I stay single or even if he came back and we worked things out. I will still be damaged.
You are not damaged, you are wounded and will be scarred.
But you should not give him permission to continue to consume your life as you move forward. It will take you awhile to remember that loving and appreciating who you are is more important to you (and to your children, if you have any) than being consumed with pain and grief your husband handed you. Do you feel like you owe it to him to carry that grief? Does he deserve to have permission to make you miserable for the rest of your life.
You’ve been handed a change that you didn’t ask for. Get yourself a good lawyer and get everything that you can, and more, with no regrets.
Even though you think therapy won’t work, it will. Your friends and family will get tired of you saying the same thing over and over again, and being able to talk trash about your husband. Talking to a counselor gives you a save place to get the emotions out without placing a burden on friends and family. And you will need to say things over and over again, in order to get the emotions out and to be able to move forward with your life. Where you are right now is such an unhappy place that I can’t imagine you wanting or choosing to linger there any longer than you have to.
Alfreda,
I really don’t understand why it bothers others so much for me to say I am damaged. Scarred, yes, but there has to be damage to leave a scar. I did get an attorney. He used the one I got. He gave me everything including alimony for 30 years (whether I marry or not). I don’t sit around and trash him. Everyone I know I have told that I do not want to talk about him. I don’t want to hear about what he may or may not be doing. It’s too painful. He was a very good husband for thirty of the thirty two years. He turned 50 (yes, he was six years younger than me) and it was really bothering him. I had some health problems and that’s when he got the girlfriend. He became a different person. Classic midlife crisses thing. Our oldest daughter was his favorite and she doesn’t talk to him. The youngest only talks to him occasionally. I have not really heard about any conversation from him in probably a year and a half but the two people that did talk to him (our best friend and our youngest daughter) say he is not normal. He talks about his girlfriend being a big basketball player in highschool. He played basketball in high school. So it’s like he regressed. I think it’s a hormone thing. Don’t misunderstand I’m not justifying what he has done to me. But it is very difficult to take. You know, you can fool others by tellingthem over and over how great you feel but you still cannot change how you really feel deep down. Women who were in marriages that were not good for years may be much happier after a divorce. I got it. That was not me.
“Where you are right now is such an unhappy place that I can’t imagine you wanting or choosing to linger there any longer than you have to.” This is not a choice. If I could feel differently I would. I CANNOT CHANGE HOW I FEEL. Otherwise I would tell him to kiss my ass and I would move on. You CANNOT will your emotions away. None of you seem to get that. I’m happy that everyone on here is so happy. Tell me, if that’s the case why did you even bother to read these postings? My guess is that not everyone is as happy as they claim. If they are, then you’re the happiest bunch of women I know. Good for you power to the people.
When I read your post, I was so da#&ed mad about what is happening to you! Definitely make sure you get the best financial settlement possible. Keep people who can support you close by. I hate it when men do these things! Disgusting.
Divorce is very painful and I feel for you. My husband walked out on me and the children two years ago when I was 55. It’s really important for you to take baby steps to remembering who you are. Make a list of the things you liked to do before you were married. What were some of the dreams you had back then. Revisit them. Or what is it that interests you right now. Spend time developing that interest.
If it is too painful for you to work on an interest right now then make an effort to help someone else. Volunteer at a hospital, children’s center, animal shelter, etc. It’s very important for you to find value in yourself.
If this is too difficult for you, then find a therapist or church group you can work with where you can talk out your pain. You are reaching out to this group and that’s a good thing. Reach out locally by either seeking help or giving help. I wish you the best.
You’re not losing your mind, your heart is broken. But, it will mend. And when it does you will be stronger, more powerful and in time you’ll realize that he did you a favor. And Lolita will always know that he’s a cheat and will dump her when some other chickie comes along. Men have midlife crisis too my sister.
You will also learn that things are different today. We 60 somethings have a blast once we get out of our own way. Find a good therapist, some fun women and be good to yourself. You can be your own best friend.
Good Luck
I too take offense with the “damaged” connotation! Absolutely not…yes, you are hurt, you are angry, you are in shock, you are besides yourself-but you are not damaged! You have suffered a terrible loss-the loss of your marriage, your spouse, your dream, etc.- and you will go through all the stages of grief…denial, hurt, anger, bargaining, and then acceptance. And you will be a stronger, wiser woman. You might find a therapist to help you sort through all your thoughts and feelings and give you perspective. Know you’re not alone; many of us have traveled that journey too and have not just survived, but thrived! Right now focus on YOU…your health, your job, your home, your finances. Get a lawyer to help you navigate the legal aspects and your friends & family to help you with the emotional ones. And we’re here for you too! Believe in yourself!
Sandi,
I’m not telling you that you are damaged I’m telling you that I am damaged and will always be mentally and emotionally damaged. If you feel you are thriving that is wonderful. I do not have the same feelings as you. I don’t know how long you were married or what type of relationship you had. I know this, I am sick and tired of people telling me how wonderful it is after the divorce. It has almost been 3 years for me since my husband left. I am not thriving. I am surviving. It’s funny that many of the women here talk about how wonderful they are doing since their divorce, however I belong to a singles group and I rarely find a woman in that group that is happy over their divorce. It is what it is. It does get easier. But I will stick to what I said, you will always be damaged if you were really in the relationship as I was. Am I stronger now than I was 5 years ago. NO, I am not. I have always been very strong and considered a very strong woman by others. So am I stronger? No, I am a very untrusting person because the world as I knew it back when I was dating many years ago has changed and it certainly has not changed for the better. Lastly I am not really angry at my ex as much as I am angry at other people talking about how wonderful divorce is. Your not supposed to be 59 years old and divorced. Like I said, it is what it is and I am surviving, but that’s just about it. And surviving is not the same as living. So I will not apoligize for making a statement that I feel is a true statement for me. I am sick of people being offended. It’s an opinion and that is mine and you have every right to yours. You apparently are not as strong as you say or you would not get so offended over a statement.
Jan,
I think you are crying out for help and you are saying “no one is listening”. You might want to work with a divorce therapist who will listen and give you a chance to be heard.
Hi Jan,
I am so sorry that you are suffering. It can be so difficult to carry on when you were so blindsided. You followed the rules and created the life you wanted and loved with all your heart and then it got taken away. It’s not fair. This is not how you imagined your life to be at 59. And yes, it shakes us to the core. Each person works through grieving the loss at their own pace.
The point is to keep going through to reach a new place. Change happens by force or by choice, but the end result is still the same. The life we had no longer exists. It doesn’t matter that we were the good guy. Then the question becomes, Now What? You may not be ready to create a new life, but in fact, you have and here is the person you have become.
“I am not thriving. I am surviving. And surviving is not the same as living.”
“(I) you will always be damaged.”
“I loved him with all I had and he threw me out like yesterdays trash. Do I really want somebody like that? Sometimes the answer is still yes…”
“Am I stronger now than I was 5 years ago. NO, I am not. ”
“I am a very untrusting person… ”
“(I) you are not supposed to be 59 years old and divorced.”
Is this who you really are? Is this the person you want to be? Or is this is just the story you are repeating about your life in your mind. This place is the result of the past. It is not your future unless you allow it to be. You can keep it alive and live in it everyday or you can start telling a new story. Keeping the walls of protection up works, but it also keeps out the energy flow of new, freshness, excitement and joy. Staying soft and open and moving through life with childlike discovery is a choice. Seek support. You have a lot of living to do and we all want to see you thriving!
Jane and Barbara,
Jane, thank you for that advice. I have tried two different therapist. The first one was completely lost and wanted to talk about my dead father. I don’t really make the connection there and she apparently didn’t understand the point to what I was saying so I gave another a try because I was sucidal. She sent me to a doctor who gave me a lecture on getting out and exercising. Yeah, that was helpful so I walked out on him. The second therapist didn’t really want to talk to me unless I was on medication. With medication I didn’t need her. Anyway the closest I got to suicide was after I talked to the therapist. I guess I expected help and after two visits I didn’t feel like she had helped with anything. I know these problems cannot be helped over night, but I got physically sick and couldn’t quit shaking the next time. I think that was actually a very dangerous situation for me and since I was not successful receiving the medication that she wanted me to take and she wasn’t happy about that I decided only I could help myself.
I joined a meetup group I started hanging out and going to dinner with people from work that made me laugh. I could not have survived without these two wonderful gay men from my job. I had old friends over. I remodeled my house and I have done everything I know to improve my life. I retired from my job and plan on starting a new career if possible. Am I going to let it define me?????? You tell me how to get this out of your head. Saying move on, telling myself to move on, telling myself that I am happy and life is wonderful does not make it true.
Now I’m open for your advice.
Jan
Everybody has an opinion, but it is of no value, if you don’t agree with it.
We all want to be heard and validated and NOT told we will one day feel different (although that might be true), or we shouldn’t feel that way.
Feelings aren’t right or wrong, they simply are………
We are the only ones who really understand what we are feeling. I got a divorce after 31 years of abuse…..I am excruciatingly lonely for the past 8 years, even tho I work full time, am a freshman, moderator of ab abused survivors’ group and many other things, but haven’t met a man I would even like to be friends with.
People want to “fix” you, and feel uncomfortable if you say something that makes THEM feel uncomfortable.
Again, we want to be validated…hugs and love, someone who gets it
Thank you Alicia. What a truely kind response to apparent disagreement.
Jan
Well you certainly get an A for effort! What are you ideas for a new career? Did you have a dream a young girl that put on the back burner? What are your natural talents or just something you love to do or can teach others?
Anyway, what an awful experience with the therapist when you were being brave and took the steps to seek help and twice, at that! Believe it or not, I found a wonderful therapist on a website called www.find-a-therapist.com. You put in your zip code and can read the bio’s and really get an idea of their style of therapy. Interview them on the phone before you make an appt and look for someone specializing in your area. Perhaps a woman, who works with mature clients with major life changing issues and can help starting a new career as a second act. Someone more “holistic and motivational” than traditional Western therapy which usually involves drugs and a long draw out ordeal.
I would definitely stay away from medication. Numbing the pain may help some during really dark times, but it just creates a new problem. Unfortunately, the drugs don’t select the emotions and numb all feelings, including joy and hope.
And congrats on retiring! Lucky You!
Even though the economy stinks and it’s really not a great time. I have always wanted to try selling real estate, but always needed that check coming in and couldn’t take the chance of not being able to bring any money at all home. I really don’t haft to have the money at this point although all of us want and can use money. My plan is to take an online class and pass the test and give it a try.
I’m sorry Barbara I don’t think any kind of therapy is going to work for me. Nobody can solve this, it just has to be worked through and I have to learn to live with it.
I am TOTALLY against taking medication for depression. I’m very old school about taking medication for emotional problems. If you are depressed, something is wrong with the way you live and it needs to be changed. Drugging away your feelings is just so wrong on a spiritual level. Have things really gotten so bad for the human race that we can’t change anything? That we need to dope ourselves up to make it through our days? Resorting to numbing the pain away says to your soul that YOU HAVE NO POWER TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE! And that my friends SUCKS!!!
I have been following the various postings since this thread started. I both agree and disagree with much that has been said.
I think a person can be both damaged and blessed at the same time. It’s true someone is better off leaving an abusive marriage but what if your marriage was not the abusive kind? What if your husband just suddenly says he wants out of the marriage and you find out a bunch of things that were going on behind your back? It happens to many women every single day. Of course you are going to be damaged! And that damage will leave scars hence the statement you are “permanently” damaged. And ladies, lets face the following (and I hate it) – Many men go after younger women. Society keeps sending out the message that women should be younger and older women are less of a prize. That in itself will make the feeling of being damaged increase. And to address the idea of therapy, some of these therapists are down right crazy! I’ve experienced it myself. The therapist will actually make you feel worse.
Having said all of the above, I personally would keep fighting to make my life the best it can be. I would not give that man the satisfaction of letting him ruin my life – no matter what I did with my future. And I do think it’s possible to have a good future if you don’t let the chatter of society influence your decisions. But to pretend that the damaged feelings are not somewhat of a reality is just not true. Women have it tough in society on a mental, physical, economical and spiritual level. The playing field is often unfair.
Amen, April!
I’m a widow, but dated many divorced men. They all told me it was the wife’s fault. Bulldookie. All I can say is, get a good lawyer and get all you can. DON’T – EVEN IN THE HEAT OF AN ARGUMENT SAY – TAKE IT, I DON’T WANT IT! Oh yes you do. Even if you don’t. You already contributed and gave your all. You are going to need all you can get to live from this moment on. And, living nicely beats the hell out of struggling. You’ll be struggling enough with your feelings. Don’t let that man (and I use that term loosely) put you down in any way. You are worth everything – and I mean -EVERYTHING! Once he looses enough, his new chick isn’t going to be too happy with him. And when he starts getting sick, or his old age equipment doesn’t function like it used to, she’s going to have second thoughts. And, if you get it all, at that point, you’ll be Way Ahead of His Game. Above all feelings that take your heart over, believe deep in your heart that you are worth it. YOU HAVE WORTH! Don’t ever let anyone take that away from you. And it’s true, You ARE WOMAN and we always can survive. Just look in that mirror first thing every morning and remind yourself that you have worth and you are worth more. Like Ivana Trump said, “Don’t get angry, Get Everything!” Smart lady in my book.
Thanks for all the replies. It is now September 6, 2012. My divorce was final on September 2, 2012. My husband has refused to see me or talk to me since June. I have found out that he made an announcement to his office on April 18, 2012, while he was still living in my house, that he and his girlfriend were in love, but weren’t having an affair. Oh, and I found out that his girlfriend was a woman he had hired in October of 2011.
He asked her to marry him in July, and they are getting married on September 22, 2012, a couple of weeks after our divorce was final.
I am trying to move on, and I have made some good strides, but I have to admit that I am having trouble with the thought that he is getting remarried so soon. He is a liar, a cheater, and a quitter. I think that this woman will end up not being the woman of his dreams, but after all that he has put me through, I would never take him back.
I am learning to deal. Now, if I could just get him out of my head, I think I could heal a lot faster.
That is a very good question. It’s been two and a half years for me and he is still in my head every day and every night. I’m going through the actions of moving on, but honestly it hasn’t happened yet. It seems like you go through a different emotion every single day. As time goes on the emotions seem to run more in weeks though than days. I don’t think I will ever really get passed this, but I just put one foot if front of the other one every single day and hope that God gives me peace one of these days. There is no quick fix for this. I think something in nature makes these men to this. Who will ever know why.
You will get past it in time. I recently had myself hypnotized to try to find a way to forgive my ex-husband for all that he had done to me, not for him, but for me. I think it helped a little bit. On September 2nd, when my divorce was final, I was surprisingly calm. This all just started on March 20th, 2012, so it has only been about 5 1/2 months (although it feels like it’s been a year already).
I am trying to stay busy, exercising, going out trying to make new friends, looking for a new job. I am determined I will be much better off sooner than later for my sake. Just keep going on and make a conscious effort to kick him out of your head when you find yourself thinking about him. I visualize a huge hand reaching inside my head and grabbing hold of him and throwing him into space. It actually does work most of the time.
Anonymous, you were married how long? And you are how old? In 5 and a half months you are over it? Wow all I can say is, that’s really something. Especially if you are 60 or near. that hypnotised is worth their weight in gold. Better hang on to them.
I was married for 33 years, and I am 60 years old. I didn’t say that I was completely over his abandoning me, but I am working on it. The hypnosis was not a miracle cure, but it did help.
She gave me some phrases which we used in the hypnosis, and I keep reading them.
1. I will let go of my sorrow and pain.
2. I will move forward and live each day with joy and happiness.
3. I will release all negative thoughts about my husband.
I still have some sadness and regrets and some anger, but mostly I am trying to move on. He has proven that he is not worthy of me, and I deserve better.
I don’t know if I will ever get remarried, or even if there is anyone out there who will ever want me. My husband did a big head job on me. I felt rejected, alone, scared, sad, angry, which has left me with a low self-esteem. But I am determined that he will not win. I am taking back control of my life.
It may take me a while to be completely healed, but I have made strides, and I am proud of myself. This is my journey, and I will continue to fight for me.
Good for you. I’m sorry I was so abrupt.
I can relate to ALL of the above! I am going through the healing of Divorce #2, which is infinitely more painful. I am separated four years, divorced two years, after a ten year marriage. I start and end every day thinking about my ex;the details are too numerous to share.
I am doing everything to try to “move on”, but I feel there is a limit to how much I will be able to heal the wound.
Yes I am in a better place than I was four years ago. I just would like this process to go faster. Any ideas?
I’m sorry you are still dealing with many issues as am I four years out. I was hoping I would be in MUCH better shape in four years, but I see myself in the same situation as you. I don’t understand people who seem to be able to move on within a year or two. I guess everybody is different.
How fast or how slow someone recovers from a tragedy is not about a magic pill, but how fast they start telling a different story. Look at what RedHeart, 4 years and struggling, wrote:
“I start and end every day thinking about my ex; I am doing everything to try to “move on”, but I feel there is a limit to how much I will be able to heal the wound.”
She repeats her story of hurt, tragedy and being wronged every morning and every night. Re-hashing all the painful details, charged with emotion. This just recreates a prison in the mind- a circle that she walks around and around in. Your thoughts become your words which becomes your life. STOP TELLING THIS OLD BROKEN STORY ! It is cementing it in your memory when you want it out of your mind. This is not who you are today, it is what happened to you in the past. By not telling that old story, you are not pretending that it did not happen and that how you were treated wasn’t horrible, but it serves no purpose now other can keeping you trapped. Today is a new day. TELL A NEW STORY!
The hypnotist’s words were exactly that! I changed “will to I am” because it is present tense and more powerful, but same idea.
1. I am letting go of my sorrow and pain.
2. I am moving forward and live each day with joy and happiness.
3. I am releasing all negative thoughts about my husband.
Every time you catch yourself repeating the OLD story, immediately switch over and repeat these three statements or other “I am” statements and add 2 or 3 of your own. Write them down and keep them in your purse until you can rattle them off my memory.( I would drop #3, because your x is not in your life and doesn’t need to be in your daily mind.)
I like these positive “self talk” statements:
Everyday, in every way, I am getting stronger and stronger.
I am happy, healthy and whole.
I am rich, well and happy.
I see love and beauty everywhere I look.
I love my new life where I get to make all the choices.I am attracted to happy fun people and make friends easily.
I am beautiful and have lots of offer.
I am completely free from the past and joyfully look forward.
I am open and eager to see what comes next.
Tell this story every morning and every night and see how much better you will feel! And when you have an impulse to do something, DO IT! Watch for new opportunities because they will pop up out of no where. Author and speaker , Louise Hay has an amazing DVD and book, called “You Can Heal Your Life” thats talks more about this. She is in 80s now and going strong and says life just keeps getting better and better and this decade is her best….and because she believes it, it is!!
Tell a new story! Great advice. You are stuck to the extent that you keep telling the same story. Everyone, every single person has a sad story to tell. The difference is that they choose to tell a different one or tell it differently or they don’t tell it at all. They stop creating an emotional charge, often negative that keeps new experiences from coming into their life. What you put in your mind comes out in your life. Change what you put in your mind. It’s a choice.
Here’s a new concept for you ladies. Maybe you just didn’t love that person as much as we did. Maybe it didn’t come out of the dark and slap you in the face all of a sudden. I understand that bad things in life happened. I tried your little advice for a while. You only trick yourself for a short time. I even started seeing somebody about a year ago. Yeah, that only worked part time and then the old thoughts kept sneaking in there.
I am happy, healthy and whole – none of those things are true
I am rich, well and happy - none of those things are true
I see love and beauty everywhere I look – that is about as far as the truth as you can get etc., etc., etc.,
You sound like a Stepford Housewife. Brainwashing is not the way to go. Let me tell you how life really is. I cannot walk without falling down. There was nothing at my house that didn’t break the first year and a half he left. I have made new friends that are not really friends just somebody I can tolerate. I know you think I like to wallow in my pity but I’m sick to death of these women who keep telling themselves they are happy when they are not. I go to a singles group meeting a few times a week. They all pretend they are happy but when you get them one on one and talk to them….they are not. Here’s one for you – How many men do you think would go around telling themselves how wonderful and happy they are if they are not??? I would say none. You actually sound like zombie idiots when you do that. I think you need to face reality. Looking at an orange and calling it an apple all day every day does not make it an apple. Face realities ladies and quit acting like we are the ones that don’t have it together. I’m sure you make your living telling people these things, but it’s bullshit and you and I both know it. My sister who had lost her husband about 4 years before my husband left kept giving me advice to keep busy and don’t think about. Well as she finally realized she hadn’t faced reality and she actually went through mourning about 5 years after he passed away. So the mourning has to be there, it’s just a matter of if you delay it without facing the truth or not. Think of it as a tunnel, until you enter that tunnel you can’t come out the other side. Sometimes the tunnel is much longer and darker than other tunnels. But if you turn around or stop before entering the tunnel you will never get to the other side. It sounds like to me you stepped into the tunnel and lied to yourself and said, no this tunnel is not dark, I’m not going to let it be dark so instead you stand by the opening of the tunnel repeating to yourself that the tunnel is not dark. Well it’s dark and it’s there so maybe you need to go on through it. Hmmm maybe I could be a Life Re-inventing coach. I would actually be a hell of a lot more honest than you.
I’m honestly at a loss for words. All those philosophers and spiritual leaders down through the ages were wrong. Who knew.
FTR, it takes tremendous emotional honesty to take a unflinching and honest look at yourself, to enter the tunnel and acknowledge it for what it is with out allowing it to darken your whole life.
There are all kinds of ways to tell a story. One way of moving through the tunnel is to tell your story in different ways, honestly but in a way that serves you. Constant negativity serves no one ever. But hey, what I know. I’m a zombie idiot.
I’m sure you will never agree with me and I will certainly never agree with you.
Watermusic, you are one of the finest human beings I have encountered on the Internet. Candidly you make VN as far as I’m concerned. You are kind and you are honest.
Life is what you make of what is handed to you ladies. It isn’t always pretty, but you CHOOSE your reactions. It isn’t lying to yourself if you fake it til you make it –its improving your situation. It is taking action.
If you are that miserable and you dont do something to change it–then you are choosing misery. You are wallowing in it. They say misery loves company–which means miserable peoople like to hang out together.
I choose uplifting. I choose Watermusic.
DL, what a wonderful thing to read. You are so sweet, thank you. I try if only because the alternative is too crazy to be any real fun. I’m for sure honest, the people I work with said that it was just impossible for me not to be honest. I hope I’m kind, I want to be, I try to be, but sometimes it’s stretch. Thank you again for the kind words.
Let us please be gentle with one another. This site is to support and uplift. Relating to others heart ache is one thing but let’s not make it a place hate, anger and name calling. Let us not sink to levels far below kindness and encouragement. There are plenty of places on the internet for cruel, harsh mean spirited comments. We are on the same side and that is to offer suggestions that give hope- take it or leave it. What may not be right for one could be just the thing another woman reading needs to hear. It could be her start on the road to a new life.
We reach out for help and clarity when we don’t understand what is happening or how life got so bad and know that we can’t go on this way, when somethings got to change.
It is hard to envision a different life than the one you had when you are hurting but it can be done. Like attracts like- positive or negative. It will not get better as long as negativity rules.
If I am going to Wash my Brain with words and thoughts, which would I chose?
1. I am broken and can’t walk without falling down.
2. I am nothing without my husband.
3. I have no power over my thoughts, they control me.
4. When my husband left, he took my life with him.
5. I am mad and hate everyone who is divorced and says they are happy because it is a lie.
6. My love for my husband was greater, bigger, better, deeper than all the other hundreds of thousands woman’s who got their heart’s shattered and I cannot recover.
or
1. I am letting go of my sorrow and pain.
2. I am moving forward and live each day with joy and happiness.
3. I am releasing all negative thoughts about my husband.
4. I deserve to feel good about myself, about my life and the future.
Thoughts don’t happen, they are created. Who is creating these thoughts anyway?
I offer these words as hope and light for those who are looking for a new start.
No need to worry. I won’t be back on this site. I came to this site because at one time I coud identify with people on here. Now everyone seems to just tell me to keep being positive. I tried that for over a year. I dated somebody else trying to move on. it is what it is. So you ladies all sit around a feel smug about helping people, but in reality you are only trying to feel smug and fool yourself. You won’t hear from me again.