My son was married almost a year ago. He is my only child and we always had a very good relationship. He lives over 3000 miles away, so the time we have together is very special to us.
When my son was a child I was going through a very nasty divorce. It is a very long story and it happened a long time ago. The key points were abuse, lies, stealing every dime I had, and child abduction. Yes that happened, and no attorney would help me because I had no money.
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Hi Darcy
I always appreciate your comments. Emasculating a man means not letting him have his DNA role of being a man. It happens when we take control and literally want to wear the pants versus letting him.
It's very hard for Boomer women to
My ex husband was not working and I got laid off due the recession. He chocked me that day, and he was also an alcoholic. I had a second job with the National Guard, and they would help me out allot giving me work, and I would also have to travel. I was on active duty for four months, and paid all of the bills, and explained to my son why mommy had to go on active duty. My ex also decided to have a girlfriend and go on his hate campaign. I never put my son in the middle but would always tell him the TRUTH when asked. I went back to school and got a decent job, did this all for my son, it took a while. The ex threathened to kill my parents and I also…..He harrassed me for ten years after the divorce untill my son told him to leave me alone when they got into a fight. My son was treated horrible for years also. We have both remarried, and my husband loved my son like he was his own.
When we met my sons new girlfriend a few years ago we accepted her and treated her like family. We kept in contact and I thought that we were close. I even talked to her mother on the phone and we were getting to know each other when my son and her got engaged. DIL’s mother lives a few hours away.
After the wedding which was over the top and expensive, sons mother in law calls me and starts telling me very hurtful things that was said by the ex husbands wife. ( I never thought we had an issue all those years, although I do not speak to them, but cause no trouble either)
I brough this up to my son, because I was upset and he swears that it was not true. DIL has not talked to me since wedding, never thanks us for gifts anymore either. Her mother stired to pot and then ignores me also unless she is digging about my divorce which she has no clue about. I have PTSD from what happened, and thought I was OK, now it has come back again, and I cry all the time.
Hi SunnyD,I’ve been there and my advice to you is phone ex and tell him to butt out of your life or you will be telling a few home truths.If Mil or Dil upset you again over the past.Tell them the subject is off limits and you are dealing with your PTSD professionally and thanks but really don’t need/want their unsolicited advice.Good luck to you, i wish you courage and success
Now DIL is pregnate and the baby is due in a few months. Visited my son and she was there digging at my past again. I do not feel that she a friend at all, and I know she is playing both sides of the coin with the ex and his wife.
Help, how do I talk to my son about this without ruining his marriage? She is moving in with them for a few months after the baby is born. She visits them every other week…always around them. My son wants to live closer to us and she made a big stink about it, he is also in the military like I was. I also get the feeling she thinks I walked out on my son, because the ex would say something like that.
Tow quick notes: 1) she probably digs at your past because her is tos not swell, or she is digging for info she can use against you w/husband. I suspect she has stuff in hiding and conversation might bring it out. The other phrase to practice is: I don’t remember, what do you think. Or a straight yes/no then stop. Let the air lie quiet until she breaks the silence. Too mush talky-talky will only give her fuel for … well…. who knows what. Your best part in this is yes/no/I do not remember. i agree with i do not want to ….. however for people I know (like her) it is just too many words. Good luck on this one and keep reading there is always someone out there who has a piece of the answer and then poof you have an answer.
I feel like I have been stabbed in the back. I keep this between my husband and I. DIL’s mother cries poverty all the time, but drives a very expensive car and lives in a nice home. DIL also has to have the best of everything, feel my son is getting the shaft, but I do not interfere with his choices. But I am sick from all the sander…….
We love our future grandchild so much, and it would unbearable to not be able to have a good relationship with the child.
First of all, whenever anyone asks you about something you do not want to share, simply say, ” I don’t want to talk about that.” “That’s too painful to talk about,” etc., etc. It is none of your DILs business, nor her mothers. Second, you are right about not interferring with your son’s choices. I know it is very hard to see your only son (I have an only son too) making the wrong choice for themselves. I went through a similar situation with my son. He married, we, especially me, treated her like one of our own, and then she accused us all of abusing our granddaughter. I felt very betrayed by her and her family. Now my son is with someone else, who I feel is so totally not right for him. But, like you, I have to keep my mouth shut. My son moved 3000 miles away from his home so he could be with his daughter. I am there now too, as I had to choose between being with my son and granddaughter or staying with an abusive and cruel man. I chose my son and granddaughter. All I can say is be there for your son, be polite to the DIL and all her relatives, and when the baby is born, and if you live close to them, there will be times when she will need you to help her take care of the baby. Mind you, it won’t be for the baby’s sake, but when she wants something and nobody else will help her. It is very difficult to be around such a selfish person, as she sounds like she is, but just be there for the ones you love and the ones that you know love you. Good luck.
Thank you very much for the support, It sounds like you are going through so much also. It is sad and heartbreaking. I hope things will get much better in your life also.
Have courage. Be peaceful and say NOTHING to son that could be construed as mean, vindictive, nasty, etc. about dil or her mom because it will come back to bite you. Your son wants to live closer to you? Ha. Let MIL move in to ‘help’ and let’s see how he feels then! I think that will not be so very pleasant for your son, so he may well need a place to vent. MIL will likely have LOTS of ideas – for your son to execute. You be the contrast: no criticism of DIL, NO suggestions or advice re: baby at ALL! If asked, give it in a very… offhand matter, and then fail to notice if DIL takes your advice.
Re: MIL asking you intrusive questions. I doubt MIL will be less dogged in her pursuit of info from your son. He’ll resent that eventually. “She asked you that? I can’t imagine why that would interest her. Well, it was a long time ago and no longer matters. Don’t feel as though you have to share anything you’d rather not, honey. Just let her know that things are fine now, and that’s what matters.”
MIL will likely annoy your son as baby’s appearance draws near, and he’ll need a safe place to vent – which means he may well turn to you. When he does, listen, support, but do NOT criticise! DIL is bleeding him dry? “I know she has lovely taste….I’m sorry it’s a struggle for you, dear.” MIL making him crazy? “Well, I guess she thinks she’s helping, hon. I’m so sorry if it’s not working out as well as you’d hoped.” MIL over there too much? “Well, it’s so convenient for her, you being so close by. I’d love to see more of you and the family when you have time.”
When MIL starts digging for info, smile and say nothing. “Oh, that was so long ago. It doesn’t matter anymore.” Years ago, I read a book about speaking more assertively. All I remember is the ‘broken record’ technique. I have fond it very helpful! With this MIL, you may have to use it, repeating your response over and over. “I appreciate your concern, but it was a long time ago and doesn’t matter anymore,” again and again. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Assertiveness#Broken_record
Good luck! Hang in there!
Thank you very much for your kind words and support, helped me get through the day. I will also check out the book, and link you sent. Thank you again, I really appreciate it, and wish you a wonderful day
My son is unaware of the details when his father and I divorced. I kept my mouth shut, and he did see the truth.
Now I feel like I am labeled the villain by son’s MIL, etc. His stepmother and evil father get treated better…all the stuff behind my back, due to sons MIL playing both sides. All this time she was acting like my friend. It was a long time ago when all the stuff happened. I healed with therapy, and close friends, thought all of that was over with.
Its hard when you live 3000 miles away. I see my son once a year now, and it hurts. I am so afraid I will miss out on having a good relationship with my grandchild. When I was visiting they were all talking about the ex and his family like I was not even there…very hurtful.
They have no idea… I gave up everything after all the abuse. The house, car, and everything in it except my cloths. He took my son while I was on active duty military paying all the bills. My resources were drained, and I had no money for an attonney to help me, would never do that to my son.
Son’s MIL keeps up with questioning me about the times I was in the military, on top of the all intrusvie questions and hurtful remarks when nobody is around. Around others she acts so nice and wonderful, what ever happened to sisterhood???? That is the crap I have to deal with when I visit my son, I have been kind and decent to her and daughter (DIL) Why should I suffer forever because of an abusive ex, who hardly ever worked, was a drunk, and had no morals. I have nothing to say to him, he is dead to me. Son’s MIL asked me if I would talk to the ex and his wife..is she out of her mind !!!!! Then she had to nerve to say that I am putting my son and his wife in the middle. This crap was not and issue for 20 years, my son could care less if I ever talk to his father again. I have to have some pride, I never made any trouble. Was I so horrible by going back on active duty for a few months with the national guard to support my family ???? Men do it all the time and that’s OK.
I know how hurtful them talking about the ex must be to you. Meddling MIL should butt out but she is not going to. The woman appears to have no boundaries and apparently fancies herself a counselor. I agree that you can only do the broken record replies to her intrusive questions. As in laughingly, “why in heaven’s name would you want to know that? It is old history!” You cannot undo whatever lies your ex is telling so you must rise above them.
As for being at a celebration with the ex-My youngest sister went through a very bitter, prolonged divorce and raised her four children alone with little help and a lot of provocation from the ex and his new wife. He was a terrible husband and abused her both physically and emotionally.
This summer we went to the wedding of her oldest boy. Despite what her ex had put her through, she made a point of speaking to him and his wife at the showers and the wedding. I was amazed that she could do this after the way she had been treated. She replied that, he WAS their father and she did not want to make life more difficult for them so she would be civil at ceremonies such as weddings and christenings etc because she did not want her dislike and even fear of their father to mar the day. Totally humbled me that she could rise to this height of understanding.
If they live close to your son, you are going to have to either avoid all important celebrations reflecting around the child or you are going to have to reach way down inside your soul and adopt a ‘civil but strange’ attitude towards your ex at such affairs. All the time of course showing everyone present that you are a truly warm and compassionate woman and loving mom who can put your son and grandchild first. Not saying this will be easy my dear but your son will thank you for doing this and continuing to be in his life. Maybe not right now but down the road when he has had time to see his MIL’s true character.
The only good news about the MIL is that her type has a short shelf life. They tend to wear down all around them and are at a loss as to what happened to “them”. I suspect even the DIL has some unresolved issues with mom, and vice versa makes the baby “stuck in the middle” without being born. How pathetic. It is your turn to sit back, enjoy the coffee, cuddle the baby (when given a chance) and talk about the weather, or the garden, or ….. When MIL cries poor ask if she would like some potatoes to help her get thru, works for children away from home and in need of money.
Just remember …. no talky-talky. Too much fuel for MIL’s kind.
I agree. Don’t waste any time with MIL. If she calls, she caught you ‘at a bad time.’ If you’re in the same place, she’ll ‘have to excuse me now.’ And if she seems not to get the idea, “I’m sorry, but I’m not going to discuss this. Excuse me, please” and then hang up or walk off. It doesn’t matter that someone wants to know; it matters that YOU don’t wish to discuss it. Period.
It’s a shame you’re so far from your son. Invite them for a visit in the summer or whenever; they may not come, but keep inviting – just casually – and let him know you love him. If son and family won’t visit you, offer to meet halfway so that you can avoid MIL. Plan a visit to a town 200 miles nearer you and ask them to come up for the day or weekend during your vacation, maybe. Or not, but don’t cut off communications. Or, when you visit, plan a day for the four of you – son, dil, grandbaby, and you. Not the MIL. “Oh, sweeties, I’ll visit with MIL, of course, but this day is just for us. After all, she has all year with you, so one day isn’t too much to ask…”
If you can, be happy and upbeat when you call, full of goodwill and good cheer and off-hand praise for MIL/DIL. If conversation turns to the ex, just remind him gently that while you’re delighted they have a good relationship, yours with him has ended, so it really isn’t ‘done’ to keep bringing him up when you’d like to hear about him, grandchild, and dil, you know? If you have to explain, just say that you don’t want him to be in the middle, and not bringing up the ex makes it easier, b/c you really have no comment other than you’re glad they have a relationship.
And…pamper yourself! Regardless of what anyone else thinks, you have done a fantastic job as mom and as military – thank you so much for your service. My hat’s off to you. Don’t waste a minute crying over those two. Your son will see the truth eventually. Be patient, and do what you must to make your life fabulous, MIL/DIL or not.
hugs!