I have been withdrawn from my marriage for some time now – a long story for which I blame myself. I am not attracted to my husband at all and 2 years ago met someone who I am very attracted to. I have not seen him as he lives too far away but we have been in contact by email and occasional text. My husband doesn’t know and it would be disastrous if he did. I will be going on holiday with my husband for 3 weeks and found out last week that he will also be there for the last week of my holiday. I am very nervous about seeing him and giving away my feelings. I feel ashamed of myself and yet! Apart from completely avoiding him which will be difficult and if I’m honest I don’t want to do, any advice would be gratefully received. I feel like a monster! HELP!!!
| Desperate for advice | Hot Conversation |
August 03, 2012
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There is nothing like a “new love” and it sounds like you are caught up in one!
I have kind of “been there, done that” and although I am not sorry I “made the change”, I will say that all of these guys have ‘different’ kinds of problems to deal with. I don’t want to throw a wet blanket on your aspirations to find love, but be real careful that you don’t throw a good man away!!
When I married my ‘new love’ I was totally unprepared for ‘the package deal’ including his family members and all of their problems! Also, the problems it caused in my own family were, at times, devastating. I’m not sure if healing, in these areas, will ever be complete.
I say, proceed with great caution! The breath taking passion, for true love, can be very blinding, even beautiful, but it does come with a price tag!
Good luck to you!
It’s human nature to look toward greener pastures when the grass begins turning brown in your own backyard. Try not to give yourself away, although this may be very difficult. I wish you the best.
Ive been in all possible relationship situations. Its fun to feel the thrill of a new attentive man. And maybe it will turn into something, but for this trip you’re talking about, go and focus on how each man is making you feel. The new guy might not be all that. And loose the scared almost helpless attitude- take control and play it cool. Bottom line is that when you leave for someone else before totally ending with your current man it is truly bad karma that does come back to bite you. Have fun see what happens. If you aren’t able to play that game then make up a reason to go home after the first 2 weeks to avoid seeing the new guy for a little longer.
Thank you for this – it has made me realise I can be in control and I will think of your advice to see how each one of them makes me feel and also how I would feel if the boot was on the other foot. I feel stronger already. I’ll post when I get back. Thank you again.
Those old words of wisdom…”put yourself in someone else’s shoes.” In this case, how would you feel if your husband were to do this? And surely you know sometimes the grass isn’t greener on the other side of the fence.
Listen to that teensy weensy nudge you’re most likely feeling inside, and you must or you wouldn’t have written here and be “desperate for advise”! It’s wonderful to feel the rush of exciting young love; but first take care of the old before you embark on the new. You’ll respect yourself more.
Yay, Sandy!
If you really don’t want to stay married, just get a divorce. However, I’m sure that the day you become “available,” your boyfriend will find someone new.
Okay, I could be wrong, but I’ve seen this movie many times, and most of the time, that’s how the story ends. I’m sorry that you’re not attracted to your husband, but if I were your best friend, I would tell you to dump the boyfriend.
It’s easy to be “in love” with someone far away. You don’t have to hear him burp and fart, so what you’re in love with is not really real.
(Yes, I could be wrong. Every now and then I’m wrong, but I’m also on husband number three, and I’ve been dating off and on since I was 15. There’s a 90% chance that I’m right. Are you a gambler?)
Christina…Lol! Loved your answer…lots of truth to what you say!
DMD~ How long have you been married? Science says that the rush of ‘new love’ is something that can be timed. Who Knew?!? Limerence (google it) lasts about 2 years. If you have been married for longer than that then it is long gone. It may be that you and your husband need to talk about the original spark that was there when you were first married. Love takes two people working towards becoming one and staying that way ’til death’.
Before you consider starting something with the other man, you may also consider how you would feel if it happened to you.
Would you be okay if your husband had a woman on the side that he was telling all of his frustrations about his marriage to you?? Sending pictures of himself? Sexting? Sharing details about his day, or your kids?? Sharing details of your lackluster relationship with a third party is disrespectful to your husband and family.
Make sure that your treat your husband like a best friend and lover. If this is not happening than question yourself why that feeling is not there anymore. Not to say that you are the reason or that your are bad in some way, just examine what is happening.
Remember, the things that you would do to your lover you would never think to do to your best friend. You would not lie to your best friend, but you might lie to your lover…
What you are engaging in is called an emotional affair with the other man. Not good. Sneaking and lying to your husband may seem thrilling to you now but if he discovers it, it might blow up your marriage.
Divorce him is he is that bad…
My best advice is to tell you husband about your conversations with this guy and let him know how you feel about the marriage. Make your husband your confidant. Transparency and honesty are the key! Face these marriage doldrums together. That is the grown-up thing to do.
Don’t get used by this other man. The other man knows that you are married. He is just reeling you in for for some free nookie. Don’t become a volunteer prostitute!
Dear Cool and Groovy Makeup Girl:
I agree with everything you said with the exception of confessing to the husband. What good would that do? I think she needs to stop doing what she is doing. She should definitely tell her husband that they need to improve their marriage but talking about her flirtations with another man will not help! Honesty is not always the best policy. After all, the relationship with the other man has not become physical. Maybe people will disagree with me but that is what I would do.
I was in the same sort of situation. I was in a long term marriage. At the time of my 30yr reunion I had been married 27yrs and had already made the decision to leave my husband but due to financial reasons was still there. My high school boyfriend and I talked at the reunion and continued talking afterwards by text. He is not married. We realized we had feelings for each other after all these years. But I knew he was not my knight in shining armor. Although he lived in the same state we lived several hours from each other. I saw him a about 4 times, then he moved to Arizona for work two yrs ago. I recently moved out on my own. We were finally able to have a normal type relationship even though its long distance. We have made many long term plans for our future. I still have a child at home, my son will graduate in three yrs. He came to see me for a week recently and after the week was up and I am re thinking my future with him. I know I love him, but not sure if I can live with him or want to settle. I guess that what I want to say to you is don’t jump into anything. My friend and I have been talking for 4yrs, I thought I was deeply in love with him but now that we have actually spent some time together I really am unsure of how I feel. So I am going to sit back and not make any decisions about our future at this point. Learn to take care of my self first.
So unless you had marriage problems before and were already done with your marriage don’t think that the grass is going to be greener with this other person.
Hi DMD
Are you back? What actually happened?
well, I seem to have provoked some real discussion and differing opinions. I am now back. I have been unhappy in my marriage of 35 years on and off for a long time but never a) had the courage b) wanted to hurt anyone and c) had a son to consider. I did not go out looking for a new relationship as I had chosen to “put up and shut up”. It struck me very hard when I realised how I could actually feel about someone both emotionally and physcially. I have never really found my husband physically attractive but tried to see other things in him – he is not a bad man but has his faults. I now realise that this is not always the best thing to do as I am suffering for it myself and making my family unhappy. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. I saw the “other man” and still have very strong feelings for him but know it won’t go anywhere. I now feel I need to have some time to step back from my marriage and am considering moving out for a while. Financially I cannot rent anywhere on a short term basis and so am considering moving in with my sister. This, I know, is not the reality of being alone yet I hope it will give me thinking time and space. I haven’t told my husband yet and don’t know whether he will accept a short-term separation or want me to move out permanently. I disagree about telling my husband – it would cause more unnecessary heartache. Thank you all for your comments. I need your prayers and strength and will continue to read your input/advice.
Dear DMD,
Do not tell your husband about the other man! I repeat: DO NOT TELL YOUR HUSBAND ABOUT THE OTHER MAN. And as far as needing some space, take it. Can’t you just say you are going to visit your sister for a little while? I would not make any announcements. You need a moment to clear your head. Just go stay with your sister for a little while and clear your head. It does not have to be a “separation” yet. Don’t make a big deal about it. If you divorce, he will be hurt. Why hurt him now before you make a decision?
I would take anything that would point to your communications off of my computer. Ask a computer technician how to completely wipe your hard drive CLEAN and then have them do it or get instructions on how to do it yourself. Close the email account you were using to communicate with that man. If you can, even change the cell phone carrier you used when you texted him. You can still take your number if you like! The point is to get rid of all the tracks that can reveal your mistakes. If you end up divorcing, the attorney’s may dig into your background. Don’t give them any ammo.
I feel sorry for your husband but my alliance is with you and your worries. Women have it a lot tougher in the world. At the risk of sounding cold, he is a man and will get by a lot easier.
Good Luck
Dear AprilC~
There is no marriage if there is no transparency. Honesty is part and parcel of that transparency. Secrets also cannot exist in marriage. What the heck are vows for?!? What happened to ” two become one”, and let no one else in this union??
If you are having second thoughts (like caring deeply and having sex with another man, not your husband) then you need to be honest and transparent with your Husband. Period.
Put yourself in his shoes…would you like having your husband caring deeply and screwing some other woman, while you are tending to your joint children and tending a household, also most likely working?
The least you could do, since you went though the trouble of exchanging vows and rings in front of a bunch of people is tell you husband that you no longer love him and love another. No fair having a piece on the side to see how it all pans out. NOT FAIR. A Husband, nor a wife should be a second option. And you don’t want to teach said children how that looks or works.
Yes it will hurt the cuckholded Husband. And you might not stay married…but if you confess, you will give the marriage a fighting chance to survive. If it does not work out, well, those are the consequences of adult life.
You are not a teenager anymore. This is real life with real adult issues. If you wanted to act single you should have stayed that way so as to not injure an unsuspecting party, namely your husband.
I am not saying that spouses are perfect…not by a long shot. But there has to be some room for ethical and moral issues. And if you have not been happy in you marriage, you need to communicate that to the one person that you vowed to protect and honor.
Sneaking around sharing your self mind and body with another is selfish. And when the spouse finds out about it (because they will always figure it out, you cannot stay on guard forever) all hell will break loose. Much worse than if you just come clean and communicate clearly about your feelings.
Good Luck
9 years ago (age 52) my life started falling apart when I became involved in an affair. He was sensitive, romantic, thrilling, sexy, intelligent. We carried on for 4 years like crazy, thrill-seeking, love-struck fools.
I left my troubled long-term marriage, my home, financial security – my entire existence. My adult children were torn apart & didn’t speak to me for 2 years. Oldest son will never be able to forgive me.
The “lover boy” was also a “mama’s boy”. He was emotionally immature, clingy, smothering and controlling in a covert way. I left him when I finally woke up and saw what life would be like with him. No thanks.
Emotions are so overwhelming during the initial attraction, daydreaming and lusty thoughts – wow!! It’s like a fantasy world after 35 years of raising kids, work, conflict, loss of emotional attachment, life in general.
I wouldn’t listen to anyone, I was so sure he was the one to finally meet all of my needs and longings. Now, looking back, I can see he was the means to an end. We were both selfish and we hurt so many good people by our determination to be together, no matter what or who stood in the way.
Today, I am living alone. My children are back in my life, but our relationship is different. I’ve missed out on years of involvement with the grandkids. My ex-husband is happily re-married and they are enjoying the financial pay-off of all of his years of hard work and sacrifice (he sacrificed our relationship, we scrimped and saved & now she reaps the benefits – go figure!)
And lover boy? He’s grooving along with a younger, “old-hippie” chick. Happy in his little world of coupons, early bird specials, hoarding, and living off the land. Oh boy.
Me? Well, I’m slowly, painfully, learning who I am. I just broke off an engagement with a man who was younger, promised a life of easy, relaxed living – which included a lot of baggage (2 ex-wives, rocky relationship with son, a mother who still babied him -WHAT IS UP WITH THAT???) he wouldn’t let go of and I couldn’t live with. Sigh…………
I would rather be alone than be with the wrong person. The annoying things he does while you’re still romanticizing – they can become huge issues when you finally wake up and face living with this person for the rest of your life. If his little “habits” bother you now, how are you going to feel in 4 years, 10 years? And you know what happens as men get older……………………………….
Since I was 12 years old, I’ve been defined by a relationship with a boy/man. Now I’m trying to figure out who I am, without a man. It’s scary, lonely, and sad. It’s interesting, amusing, hard work and strangely empowering.
Bottom line: no man should define who you are as a person. The search for love and romance can leave you in a very lonely place.
Sometimes intelligent compromise can be a wonderful answer. In my opinion, no relationship is worth giving up your family. If you’re going to do that, do it for yourself, not a man. He will prove to be unable to live up to your expectations. After all, he’s only human, not a magical, all-encompassing love fantasy.
If you can stay away from him, you WILL feel differently in 1 or 2 years. If you can’t stay away from him, you WILL feel differently in 1 or 2 years. You have to decide how much you are willing to compromise/give up and live a life you can be satisfied with.
Either way is hard. Take your time. Get some good counseling. Try to listen to your girlfriends, they can see the big picture, the overview.
I wish you the best.
time4me, thank you for sharing in such a heartfelt way…beautifully written, as well!
You have learned the ‘hard way’ and I hope life will treat you well in the future.
It’s good that your children have hung in there with you. I wish you well in your search to find the answers as to who you are, ‘without a man’. Let us know from time to time how you are doing!
ETA~
I noticed that I misread the AprilC comment. DMD is having an emotional affair.
So April…you think that not having sex give DMD a pass to not tell her husband?
If your marriage is in a funk, an EA is part of the slippery slope that leads to a Physical affair.
DMD is even in a better position to correct the course of her marriage.
Confess, it is good for the soul.
Sorry Cool and Groovy. I STRONGLY disagree with confessing.
DMD1058 would be confessing to make herself feel good? In my opinion, what would make her feel better is to stop doing what she is doing and focus on making her marriage better. THAT would help her husband more than an unnecessary confession. Confessing would unnecessarily hurt her husband. She should forgive herself for thinking about another man. The facts are the facts. The so-called other “relationship” has been a daydream that has been running through her head. She has not exposed her husband to a sexually transmitted disease. She does not have to worry about someone telling her husband about activities with another man. I think honestly is a wonderful thing but I don’t think it helps to the big picture to tell her husband about her fantasies. EVERYONE HAS FANTASIES. And I think everyone has the right to their private thoughts and feelings. It’s what you DO with those feelings that really count – how you manifest those feelings into actions. There are some confessions that are better revealed to your priest, therapist or in prayer.
As long as she has not endangered her husband, she can keep this to herself.
She should tell her husband her feelings of loneliness and disconnection within the marriage. She should say to her husband that they need to work on their marriage. She, in my opinion, should stop flirting and having fantasy’s about this particular man. ALSO I STRONGLY FEEL SHE SHOULD STOP HER EMOTIONAL AFFAIR. But I would not present this emotional affair like it’s more than what it.
If she were my friend, I would tell her to SHUT UP. Women tell too much and it hurts them in the long run.
Well said, AprilC!
There is no room in a marriage for secrets. What would you have her do…’take it to the grave’?
If the marriage is not going well, don’t think that her spouse does not know that there is a problem.
Communication and honesty are the keys to success in a marriage.
Having a secret life and longing for another man WHILE married is selfish.
Watch out for the Karma Bus…
Dear Cool and Groovy,
I think you are misguided in your opinion about this matter. While her husband may feel that something is wrong and missing, I don’t think she needs to reveal every thought or fantasy. DMD is not having a secret life. She is having a secret daydream. I also wondered how a man would feel about it. I asked my husband, reading our exchanges, about whether DMD should confess. His opinion was this: “NO, DMD should not confess. It would make matters worse.” He also STRONGLY disagrees with your advice for her to reveal her fantasies. And what Karma are you talking about? I repeat “What has DMD done?” She is not living a secret life – she is having a secret fantasy. Are you reading the same posting everyone else is reading? I said I feel she should STOP her longing! I said I feel she should work on her marriage. But until she really DOES something, she should keep her fantasies to herself.
I think you are offering some really destructive advice. Are you married? Do you tell your husband everything? I AM married. My main opinion on marriage is the following: There are 3 elements of a marriage – you, him and the marriage! Each person must have themselves and what they do should benefit and preserve the marriage. There is room for individuality in marriage as long as you keep your vows.
If you are religious, and you are referring to the bible talking about coveting, I would still not reveal my fantasy to my husband. It would not do any good. And if something is not helpful and supporting of the greater good, I would not do it.
I respectfully say that you are totally and completely WRONG. Your advice comes from a book and not from the school of life. I hope DMD does not listen to you. You are telling her something that will do nothing but make a lot of unnecessary trouble.
” I am not attracted to my husband at all and 2 years ago met someone who I am very attracted to. I have not seen him as he lives too far away but we have been in contact by email and occasional text. My husband doesn’t know and it would be disastrous if he did.”
” I am very nervous about seeing him and giving away my feelings. I feel ashamed of myself and yet! Apart from completely avoiding him which will be difficult and if I’m honest I don’t want to do…”
I think DMD says it all right there. ^^
She knows it is not right and that her husband would be devastated.
Hello…Are YOU reading the same post?
This is not a fantasy, DMD has met this guy in real life. She is secretly emailing him and sharing with him that her marriage is in a funk. For 2 years! Now she is considering meeting this guy while on holiday with her husband! Meeting and becoming very attracted to and having secret longings for anyone but your husband is just not right. Sorry. That is real life deceit and is not healthy for the marriage.
This is not textbook ranting but real life. It is very hurtful for a spouse to know that another has become ‘the rock that you swing to…’. And emails and texts are like radioactive waste, they never seem to go away. Trust me, if her husband finds one iota of a trace of there secret other life (for the last 2 years mind you) all hell will break loose. He will dig and dig until this is uncovered…
So what is better AprilC and husband? To tell your life partner that you are not feeling good about the union, that before said partner finds any trace to let know what has been happening, perhaps causing the ‘funk’? You don’t think that secretly wishing that you were with another and being married does not effect your union? Best friends don’t lie to each other.
AprilC you just demonstrated how you and your husband are best friends…you shared this post with him and got his opinion. You trust him and his opinion enough to be open and honest with him.
Are you married? Yes for 34 years. Do you tell your husband everything? Yes, he is not just my lover but my very best friend. We share everything. We are not perfect, but a work in progress. We raised three children and are working on making them the best they can be. Our focus is on our family unit, this is what makes the bond so strong.
I AM married. Good for you. I wish you the best.
My main opinion on marriage is the following: There are 3 elements of a marriage – you, him and the marriage! Each person must have themselves and what they do should benefit and preserve the marriage. There is room for individuality in marriage as long as you keep your vows. Individuality yes you husband married you for the person that you are and hopefully visa versa, but you and your husband should be one , that is the very essence of marriage. Sorry you did not get that memo when you were standing at the alter. Two become one, ‘member?? Check in with us in another 10 years and let us know how those ’3 elements’ are working for you…
I still believe that you are not seeing the full picture. You are twisting the facts that were given in the original posting. You also are not seeing what I am saying about marriage having 3 parts – you, him and the actual marriage. Somehow having individuality means (to you) that you are not committed to your marriage. That is certainly not true in my marriage. Both my husband and I are together in a solid relationship. We are actually the envy of many of the people we know because we get along so well. I think you have unnecessarily given up too much of yourself. It’s really okay to be who YOU are and be committed to your marriage.
I still say your advice about confessing is WRONG. I was so stuck about your insistence in your opinion that I asked a few of my close co-workers and friends. ALL OF THEM AGREED WITH ME. My husband actually said you are trying to ruin DMD’s marriage!
We should not even discuss this anymore. We should agree to disagree. But I will repeat that DMD should NOT FOLLOW YOUR ADVISE. She will be in trouble if she does. She has not indicated that she slept with this man – they are only flirting! As far as she has indicated, there is very little that actually happened. She just feels guilty. If she corrects her behavior, that feeling will vanish. She should reformat her hard drive and delete her text messages to erase any communications she had with that man. Concerning the vacation she mentioned, she should not stay or be anywhere near that man. She should go home with her husband.
Hey Gang – What happened to the original poster? Did she go? Come back?
My thoughts – I don’t agree under any circumstances to tell hubby anything. My motto (take it over leave it) is what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.
And for the OP – go with your gut. If you’re not attracted to your husband anymore then it’s time to make a move whether it’s with the other guy or just to be alone. Don’t waste your precious life on a marriage that isn’t working. But you must weigh all options and also decide if you would still leave him if this other man wasn’t in the picture.
Good luck.
The original poster, DMD, went on vacation and said she would check in when she came back.
I was not sure about your posting. Do you agree with what I said to “Cool and Groovy Makeup” that DMD should keep everything to herself?
AprilC~
I’m glad that you are taking a straw poll, lots of modern people. While you are polling, ask any of them if they have been betrayed. I guess this is modern life. “What they don’t know wont hurt them…” Here is another modern meme “I’ll take this to my grave”. OOOooh here is another one “Life is too short, do what makes you happy, don’t waste your time in a bad relationship”
That is always the sentiment when no one has cheated. It is the most hurtful feeling. “marriage having 3 parts – you, him and the actual marriage” You cannot pull yourself out of the marriage when it is serves you. These memes are based in selfishness.
All of these are good adages except for one thing, what if the shoe was on the other foot. Would you want to be the one who was being played by your spouse? The one that you have given your heart and soul?!?!
Just remember that in a marriage there are two that become one. That’s in the vows. And marriage works better that way.
I have not given up any of ‘me’. That ‘me’ is what I brought to the marriage. The person that I am is why he married me! I try to be authentic. I don’t wrap myself around anyone, not even my husband. But I like him AND love him. I don’t let anyone intrude on the oneness of our unit, 3 kids and us.
That is always the sentiment when no one has cheated. It is the most hurtful feeling.
Here is a saying for you:
“It all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits” Betrayal is ugly.
Just sayin’
Dear Cool and Groovy:
I have read your entire postings and I still do not believe you are correct. I stand firmly in my opinion that if DMD (or anyone else) follows your advice in a matter such as this one, they will end up in even bigger trouble than when the situation began. I think you have a skewed idea of what marriage is. I don’t think we should discuss this subject anymore. Neither one of us is going to budge in their opinion.
And I still say that if DMD were a friend of mine, I would tell her to stop her actions and CLOSE HER MOUTH!
Let us stop discussing this! We do not agree.
I do now feel and know deep down that I should leave my husband – I see his misery every time I look at him. I then think about leaving him alone and how miserable he may be then! Our son no longer lives at home and so he would be completely alone. My family has been his, one of the reasons I’ve stayed! I feel so guilty and yet want us both to be happy. I can’t imagine being alone but want to let this awful feeling go by being strong and brave enough to leave. Financially I am not in a great position – I would have to sell my home of 25 years – and can’t afford to move out and rent at the same time. I could stay with my sister but don’t want to impose. And so the circles keep turning.
DMD,
It’s a shame that you are both living in a loveless relationship. There is a woman out there who could really love your husband. Also, you deserve that kind of relationship, as well. To stay in this stagnant marriage is unfair to both of you.
Is it possible to have a to heart talk with your husband? Ideally, you could come up with an arrangement where you could be housemates…have a kind of “separation”, but live together as friends. I see this as a way where you could not leave him “all alone”, but start severing the ties and expectations in your marriage.
There are ways to transition into a new way of living together and even remain friends. You would have to be prepared for the possibility of his meeting someone, before you do! I have heard of stranger things!
You have got to end this “misery”, but you must proceed with caution. After 35 years of marriage, and to a decent guy, kindness must prevail.
Stay in touch, here on VN, I know the perfect solution will come from one of us!
Thank you, Evie. I feel really supported by your kindness. We have already discussed being “friends” but he says he will never speak/want to see me again unless it has to do with our son and that the divorce will be “brutal” – which continues to make me fearful and inactive. He is too hurt and becomes verbally aggressive in drink. He is not intrinsically a violent man but can be very scary and he “blusters” and shouts very loudly! It’s all part of the hurt and his frustration with my “inertia”, I believe. If I go to my sister’s for a short time, I believe that he would not accept a short term separation. He thinks that is “playing” at it. I’m thinking myself in circles, not sleeping and still thinking about what I don’t have rather than what I do. I’m even becoming frustrated with myself. Thanks for hanging in there with me.
As someone who got a divorce after 36 years of verbal and physical abuse. What do you mean he wouldn’t accept a short term separation? That is YOUR choice, not his. I would immediately get into therapy to help untangle your confusion, etc…to have someone on your side ..that would be my FIRST priority.
He is trying to control you (that is what verbal abuse is about)…if he can scare you, keep you from sleeping, you will remain confused and unable to make any decisions. THat is called BRAIN WASHING……That is why you are thinking in circles…the same techniques used in POW camps are the same ones (although he doesn’t know that) used by him/abusers.
The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life. Stop being frustrated with yourself and get to a a therapist…yesterday! I don’t ususally tell anyone what to do (future counselor here at 65, but this one is pretty clear cut, and I experienced it. Hugs
DMD,
I think Alicia has given you some great advice! I hope you go straight to Amazon and buy the book “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” by Patricia Evans. I’ve heard that there is much more than verbal abuse covered in her book, it is helpful in other areas, as well.
Another angle on what you ‘could’ do! After you do some research in finding an attorney who is sympathetic to the ‘older woman’s plight’, make an appointment! You will get grand, sage, advice as to what damage your husband can do to you in a divorce action. It seems that after 35 years you can demand a certain amount of support. It is very important that you get professional advice. If you leave your marital home first, it is possible that he will use this against you in court. All of these things are important to know about. Educate yourself!
You must get some rest so that you can think clearly. Maybe spending a week end, with your sister (periodically), would be a good place to start. It will ease some of the pressure you are feeling at home. This will also give your husband time alone, but not a threatening time. You both need space from the irritating environment in your household. Breathing space!
Many older women are going through divorce and separation from long time marriages. It seems that many older couple’s are deciding that marriage is not “Til’ death do us part”. There is life after fifty, sixty, etc. You are not alone!
Take your time in all of this and keep us informed.
I think it is a good idea to take a vacation to your sisters house. But I feel a word of advice is needed here. Take stock of your joint bank accounts, important papers you need etc. and secure those before you go to your sister’s house. You may come back to the house and find things are “different”. Your husband sounds like a very angry person right now. Angry people do things. I would hate to hear that he did something vengeful to things you may need. I think that you should see an attorney before you go on any vacation to any place. You have to take care of yourself in a real, concrete way. Don’t let your emotions take you to a place where you are not being practical. Think of it this way: If he wanted to give you problems and mess things up for you, what would he/could he do? Where would you be most vulnerable. After thinking about it, protect yourself in those areas.
Wow, DMD, you’re getting some great advice here. I was also married to a verbally abusive man and I had an affair for a while, stayed with my husband, unhappily for another 20 years before I saw the light.
First of all, I’m assuming that if you’ve been married for 30 plus years, you were pretty young when you got married. I got married at 20 for all the wrong reasons. Humans aren’t mature enough to be married that young. People change, one starts growing, the other doesn’t. The sex life changes. The amount of drinking changes.
This issue is not really about the other man, it’s about fear. You want to be happy, but you don’t want to hurt anybody. You want to find a new love because you don’t have that with your husband. It happens.
Before I decided to separate from my husband, I started another affair. Did I want to leave my husband to be with this man? Not by a long shot. But, he made me feel loved and desired, and confident. Something I wasn’t getting at home.
Once I made the decision to leave i felt the weight lift off my shoulders. My grown kids were angry, my husband said he was blindsided, although, I’d been telling how unhappy I was for years.
Fast forward – the decision to be free is the scariest part of all, but once you make it, you’ll become stronger. You should not stay in a loveless marriage with an verbally abusive man regardless of what your son’s situation or if you have feeling for another man.
I understand where ‘Cool and Groovy’ is coming from when she talks about having a transparent marriage, but it doesn’t like your husband has tried to make you happy in a long, long time, so how can your marriage be transparent? Plus, controlling people do not listen. Do not understand. Do not see anything except how it affects their lives.
If your husband has threatened to end the marriage if you stay with your sister, so be it. In reality, I don’t think you’ want to go back to him, anyway, unless it’s for financial reasons. I stayed in my sister’s basement for 3 months and was able to save up for an apartment of my own.
No need to tell him about the other man. That won’t fix your marriage and it will only give him ammo against you. He needs to realize that he’s controlling, verbally abusive, drinks too much and doesn’t care about your happiness.
A last note: when/if you tell him you’re going to your sister’s for a while, don’t be surprised if he promises to stop drinking, and wants to go to counseling. It sounds like you’re already out of the relationship in your mind so, think about if this will help you or him.
You have lots of caring and advice-giving women here on VN. But, it’s your life – do what’s best for you. We’ll be here to support you.
Good luck.
Thanks, Vonnie. You seem to have a real insight into my situation. I married at 21 – also for the wrong reasons. My family liked him, his family liked me, we had grown up in the same close community. Who was I to rock the boat and not go through with it? My husband even said afterwards at the time that he didn’t know whether I would turn up! Finances play a big part now. Things have been very “quiet” at home since we returned from holiday. He, I know, is playing the waiting game to see whether I say anything first. We had said that we would see how things went when we returned from holiday. I still can’t make a decision – what if this, what if that, etc. etc. etc. I am speaking to a counsellor and have enquired about my rights if I leave – I have been advised that I still have the right of access to my home as it is in joint names. I know it’s making the first move that it is the hardest. I’ve been doing some internet reading on “how to end a long-term marriage” and all the advise makes so much sense, until it actually comes to speaking out! Thank you again for hanging in there with me – I feel I am slowly building up the courage but still have tremendous feelings of guilt after all these years. By the way, I have not heard a word from “the other man” since I saw him and he knows how I feel – no surprise there really and I slowly learning to let that go. The decision to leave or not will have nothing to do with him.
Take your time to think about this. I can tell you that if you do decide to leave, he will find someone right away and if you think it has been a big mistake and want him back, it will be too late. If life is going to be hard for you financially after you leave, you will have to think of the fac that nobody is going to take care of you and you are very much going to be on your own unless you plan or dream of finding someone else to take care of you financially.
We can all say what we want and give tons of advice. You have to weigh the pros and cons. It is not easy to start all over again unless you have a plan. There are so many single women out there and even though your spouse may be so “damn bad” to you, someone will want him. Trust me, my ex was snatched up within 3 weeks of my leaving. Go figure!
NanaP – mine was snatched up in 3 months, but he was a real catch compared to her ex. I actually think she is more suited for him than I was. I was happy because he finally stopped calling me.
DMD – keep seeing the counselor. One day something will click and you’ll know what to do. It’s amazing what we have to go through to be happy.
Vonnie:
Mine was sneaking her into our old house 3 weeks after I moved out and my dear neigbhours who are also my close friends saw him, trying to sneak her in. He had her park her car in the garage and she goes into the house through the side door. He could not face any ofh then eighbours and is a prisoner in his own house with his new love. All the other neighbours found out about her and were shocked that he had moved on so quickly. I found out when I ran into one of the neigbhours at the grocery store. She thought I had the right to know. It did hurt like hell but I got over it. After all, I have no longer any control over him. I sold my share of the house to him. I am happy to make the move, to get out of a horrible marriage. He cheated on me in the past and have had several online affairs. I tolerated his behaviour for almost 5 years and was afraid to move out, afraid to lose everything ie a big house, financial security, all those 33 years invested. But I had a good job, totally independant since I took care of the house, the bills, everything in that place, so I knew I would be OK. So when he asked for a divorce, I said OK with no regrets. That was in May when I moved out. It is still a painful journey and I am happy I made that difficult decision to walk. I walked with my head held up high. He is walking around with his head low to the ground and avoid all eye contacts with the neighbours. He is a control freak and now this poor woman is also being controlled by him even as to where she can park her car and how she can enter the house without being seen. Good luck to her!
I’ve been mulling over Vonnie and DMD’s comments about having their parents, friends and neighbors push them into a marriage (and or children) they did not want. So many women have had this experience – particularily in our age group (I’m 54 years old). Please tell me what is SO GREAT about being married and having children for the sake of it? People tried to convince me to do it. They TRIED to convince me to get married and have a baby with someone THEY felt was good for me. He was generous with money and everyone thought that was enough. Heaven forbid I should actually think about other traits like his values, morals and personality! I was a young girl and people would do everything they could to help this particular man keep me in his life. THESE WERE THE DUMBEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. I had one relative who (I can clearly see this now) refused to help me learn to drive and buy a car. Heaven forbid I have mobility and a way to have freedom from him! She even argued with me about my current marriage and my refusing to change my last name to his. She began to address me using his last name. I had to stop speaking to her to make her do the right thing – which was to respect my decision! I think marriage can be a wonderful thing but it is not for everyone and it is certainly not to be taken lightly. If a young person does not want to get married, leave them alone. After all you will not be in their bedroom or home dealing with their possible hatred of the situation.
I tell every young person to not listen to the chorus of people who insist some particular person is their best choice. If you don’t want to marry someone, have a baby with them, and I don’t care about the “why” of it, you just don’t want to, then DON’T. It’s your right and it’s YOUR LIFE.
And by the way, I NEVER married that man. He is, and should have been, my PAST.
Glad to hear you didn’t listen to anything but your own heart, April.
My story is a little different and I can’t blame it on anybody but myself and my lack of maturity. My parents divorced when I was 19 and sold our home. The now-ex happened to be there at the right (or wrong) time and had a great shoulder to cry, so I married him. I should have moved into an apartment with a girlfriend, but it was an emotional situation at the time and I was feeling rather lost.
I grew up in a rural area where most of my friends were getting married and having kids instead of going off to college. If I only knew then what I know now. But as they say – hindsight is 20/20. Luckily, I finally grew up and figured it out.