i have a daughter in law that just wont let me in no matter what, she loves my husband , but i am a different story, seems to be the same way with her other marriage, i think she has a thing for mother in laws, no matter what i say or do , it is not right, she finds fault in all i do, seems i cant do anything right, it is always wrong, they are expecting a baby, and she tells everyone that i wont execpt the baby, which is not true, she has 2 other children from another marriage, and my son asked me to accept them, they are children, of course it will accept them, but am i only used as a gift giver, i never get a thank you note from her or even a thank you for the gifts i send and the kids never talk to my husband and i, and the children pay no attention to us when we are around, it is like we only do the gift thing to appease the parents,
| daughter in law | Hot Conversation |
January 09, 2010
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Hey Anonymous2,
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Read the second book by the same author.It was a challenge for them to commute back and forth to new York and Bali and share different parts of their lives together.Had she not met her man Julia 's character would have grown from her experience and j
My thoughts and prayers will be with you Sonho.
Oh my goodness you sound like me. My daughter in law has kept my son from being part our family for the past 18 months. They cancel out on any family get togethers. She made life so miserable for him that he quit his job and moved to her home and in with her family. Now niether of them have a job,but she is suppose to go to work for her mother. He mother has total control over her and my son. He cannot see it because he is so in love with her. She has never thanked me for anything, in fact for christmas I mailed their gifts and actually had to ask if they even received them, not thank you don’t even know if they liked them. I did not raise my son to be like this but he is turning into her and cannot see it. My son would only call me when she was not home. This move has really created a division and I havae not spoken to my son since Christmas and have not seen him or their baby since the middle of Nov. 2009 ended horribly and 2010 is starting out no better.
i live in n.c. and they live in va..she is a stay at home mom, and babysits other peoples children for money, my son also calls me when she is not around. i just dont know how to fix this or even if i should, i have another daughter in law, and she is wonderful. and they live in N.J . so not like i am showing favortism, i get along better with the ex daughter in law than my new one, i dont comment on anything becasue all i say around, and she is so full of drama, life for her is drama,
i do not get invovlved in my kids problems, i dont interfer with their lives, they come to me when they ahve a problem and then i say my piece, but i am alwasy supportive of all the kids, well theya re not kids , they are adults, i just dont know how to treat her or even act around her, its like she is bipolar….LOL
i hope things work out with your son, but i know exactly how you feel
ohhhhhhhh ladies, this is what i have to look forward to? God have mercy! I am a totally independent woman and i love my son more than anything in this world. If he chose such a creature for a wife, i would just sit and wait until he is good and ready to take the bull by its horns. If that never happens then ce la vie. No gifts from me though, pure and simple.
how do you get away with buying no gifts?? i agree with you, i wait till he comes to me, i try not to get involved as far as their marriage.. she is just drama, and my son says that, …..my husband and i still cant figure out why he chose her for a partner…if you have any advise please let me know
YOU CAN’T GET AWAY WITH BUYING GIFTS. THE KIDS WILL BE THE ONE WHO GET SHORT CHANGED AND THEY MAY FEEL LIKE THEY ARE NOT LIKED , I JUST DON’T BOTHER TRYING TO PLEASE HER OR HIM ANYMORE.
SO I JUST WAIT UNTIL THE WHOLE THING FALLS APART WHICH IS WHAT I THINK WILL HAPPEN, MY SON WILL HAVE TO PAY THE PRICE EITHER WAY YOU LOOK AT IT. BUT HE MADE HIS CHOICE AND HE HAD TWO SONS SO HE MAY JUST HAVE TO KISS A . BUT I DONT .AND I WON’T .
the kids could care if i or my husband are around, my son asked me to accept them, i accept them, i am just not their grandparent, i get no thank you at all when i do buy something, or even acknowleded they received it…she ahs been married before and her ex is also married, so there are grandparents galore….
she just doesnt like me, and i hate dont say anything for my sons sake, and yes it will fall apart . because SHE is not a happy person, and you are the only one that can make yourself happy,
i was just wondering how the other woman did not buy any gifts
Wait a minute, these are not your blood grandchildren? Then forget it. Family is not just about gifts the whole thing is so shallow, I know children do not understand that but children need to be taughed to say thank u, they are not born with manners. Gifts are not mandatory to kids that do not reciprocate w/at least a thank u or a simple phone call. What are we teaching our kids? I am a liberal, I often go with the flow, but there are simple rules in life that need to be taughed at an early age. My grandma was the greatest I loved her more than my mom, she was the one there for me daily while my mom worked. I do not remember her giving me anything, she did not work or had any money. She cooked, cleaned, washed our clothes and fed us. She was there for me when i arrived from school at lunchtime and my lunch was served. When i got home at 3, i had a little snack waiting and then again at 6 she served dinner. At 7 she prayed the rosary, every night. I watched TV instead
I slept w/her until she died. LOVE is what you must give and teach your grandchildren. Find a way to send love to your grandchildren if they are at an understandable age they will get the message. Then on their birthdays send something to let them know you remember. But only on special occasions. Now with camera computers it is a great way to communicate and your son should make an effort to make this possible. There are two parents in each family, only one has rights? Sorry i just don’t understand this at all. But then again…. that’s just me. In my culture when dad got home that was when the rules were followed, do u remember … “wait until your father gets home!” And when that happened we all ran to our rooms if we had been bad. It seems that now the only rules followed are the wives and not nice wives either. She punishes everybody just because she is not happy. Something is wrong with this picture. This is the second post i have done about this today.
thank you for your response…my son has been with her for 4 years, they just got married in april of last year, i have always made people feel welcome in my home, and i have always welcomed her and her children, she didnt get along with her last mother in law, she tells awful stories about her, i am not a bad person, she just doesnt like me, my husband and moved to n.c last year , so we have distance between us, when we come to visit, her children dont even say hello or talk to us, they dont even call us anything , i try to appease the family, i accept them, but i hate being a gift giver, just to get a gift…i never get a call of a thank you…and i agree with you, children have to be taught…so thru divorce and remarriage they have 8 sets of grandparents…i dont mean to be harsh, but i do have blood granchildren whom i love and adore and i get that back from them….
i just dont know what to do or how handle her, it’s very awkward when the family gets together, and now they are expecting a baby, and she tell everyone i wont eccept the baby, which is not true, she is very combatic. has no respect for her elders or even her parents, i dont like confrontation with her, so i stay quiet…i think she will use this baby as a tool to control everyone,
she is in very much in control of their realtionship, she wears the pants so to speak. but do agree with you
then there is nothing you can do but wait and see. Don’t insist. In these situations i never call, i would write cards, etc instead. It is easier. re: the children. As we get older we are not seen by the youth. It is like we do not exist. It is happening to me as well, in the office and w/family members. Our opinion is not asked although we have the most experience. I just told that to my niece who is 40 and she said that was ridiculous. Most of my niece/nephews children do not know who i am. When we get together at parties they know i must be somebody w/connections to the family but nobody has bothered to tell them the connection. Twice i have given them money, last year during a vacation we all had together and this Xmas. i am not the type of person to give gifts, time consuming and now a days it is hard to shop for kids, they are into gadgets that are too dificult to understand, so i take a $20 and give it to them. Finally, it dawned on them that i am family. duhhh. But it is not their fault, it is the parent’s. So don’t feel bad you still have your blood grandchildren. Don’t worry yet about the unborn one, wait until that happens to worry. May God be in your side.
Ladies, I am so glad to hear that I am not in this alone. If my son had ripped my heart out and stepped on it, it could not have hurt as bad as this has. Thank you for letting me see this is not just me alone struggling with a son that has left his family for hers. It helps a lot.
I am a daughter in law and will admit I may have not always been the best but here is how i saw it. Now that I am 51 I can view things more objectively? Maybe? My mother inlaw is still alive and well at 80. here goes. When I met my husband she was TOO immediately welcoming – I know that sounds strange but it really put me off as I was a strong young women and very clear in my thinking and what i wanted at that point in my life and going after it. My father in law – another topic altogether was cold and aloof and interfering [in everyone's life I found out later even the neighbours!!!]
Anyway although I felt accepted by her I felt suffocated by her attentions and efforts which I felt she was doing to prove how great a mother she was etc…Later I found there was truth to this as well. I felt the relationship with her was forced and unnatural. Maybe because although i love my own mom I was not particularly open with her either and i wasn’t going to be wih this woman either – I did not want it or need it. She seemed to crave my attention and began treating me and referring to me as her daughter before my husband and I were even fully committed to each other – which really unnerved me. I had just fought my battle for freedom as a young 20 year old from my own parents and now this!!
She wasn’t an evil mother in law – certainly not, but she didn’t understand me and I was fighting for my own autonomy at that time. My husband was an only child and I came from a much larger family so I understand that now. I was also a strong first child. We are close as can me now but she is still not my conifidant although I feel I am hers. She has no other strong women in her life and often I have felt as if I was leading and teaching her – which I know now I was.
Over the years we have worked out a fairly decent relationship. I let her in where I can and she trusts me and knows I support her . She is in a rather cold marriage and I understand that. My children love her and I never interfere in those realtionships but i remain myself and there is so much my husband and I have both decided not to share with either of his parents because they just do not understand and we do not want to deal with their reactions and criticisms or input or advice or anything else.
For what it is worth
I really understand how you feel. I had a mother-in-law that always felt I was never good enough and called me an unfit mother and should never have more that one child becuase you cannot love more than one. My ex is an only child needless to say. I always said I would never treat a daughter in law with any form of disrespect. Their family would be theirs and they would make their own decisions. without my interference, which I have done. But my DIL is so controlled by her mother that even when they visited us they lied to her where they were because they were not to have a relationship with anyone else. My DIL is young enough and nieve enough to think this is normal. My son seems to be falling in with it. I have never considered any of them a confidant, I have tried to be an adult friend. On the other had I watched Gray’s and Private Practice the other night and am glad to see someone else has more drama in their lives!!! This is helpful to vent to someone other than my husband who actually sees things the same way I do, just a little less emotional.
thank you for your thoughtful response.
i have to say, i loved my mother in law, i think things have changed in this world, i think it is a matter of respect on both ends of this relationship , my DIL has no respect for no one. i have 2 other daughter in laws from my sons previous marriage, and i still talk to them and they know the situation and they said i was a great mother in law, i stand back and dont get in their buisness, i really think mother in laws get a bad rap no adays
I agree with you–it helps to know that others are struggling with this, even though solutions are hard to find. I can’t imagine our sons can know how very much this hurts us.
My son and DIL say they “wish we wanted to be with them more”–i.e. at their disposal from 7:30 a.m. until 10:30 or 11:00 p.m., but in our mid 60s, we start more slowly in the a.m. than they do. They’d like us to sleep on a pull out bed in their living room, but we’d prefer to stay in a B & B around the corner. Our DIL then says we didn’t do enough over the holidays to help around the house. But she never asked for my assistance–I set tables, cleared tables, read to the kids, how am I to know what to do if I’m not asked?
So what do they do when we say we can’t put in those hours? They threaten to take themselves and our granddaughters out of our lives altogether. They are well educated but irrational.
So yes, it helps to know we aren’t the only ones with these issues.