| children | Hot Conversation |
M 27 year old son has decided I am to blame for his life not being as he had hoped it would turn out. He has decided he will cut off any contact. It has really hurt me!!
Posted in family & relationships.
Related posts:
10 Responses
You must be logged in to post a comment.
Watermusic,
That is exactly what to do to keep your spirit and energy in harmony. Thank you for sharing. Letting yourSelf off the hook is the hard part. Good for you.
I want to share your story with a client that is coming next week who can neI guess it is your son or M. Obviously your son is into protecting you from further engagement in a destructive relationship. Your son is right, you did deceive him. Again, obviously he holds you in higher esteem than you hold yourself.
HoThe appropriate response is to say: good idea and what are You doing, good idea, how would that look, good idea...... Engage her in her conversation and take it to the end of her information. usually "they" dump the downer and shut up until it is tOh I hear this. I used to have such a hard time laughing because it was not acceptable growing up. What's so funny? In a voice of disapproval. I was told how to feel and when to feel it. It takes a lot to overcome that. There are still ti
This is a tough one, because there are two sides to this. One, your son has the right to be upset with M, as he was abusive verbally to you and your son. By M and your son arguing and calling each other names, that tells me that M is not very matur
It’s really handy to blame everything on someone else.
However, an essential part of growing up has always been that we take responsibility for our own lives. Your son, no so much with this important concept. He cannot move forward in life with this stunted, victim mentality.
But that is his problem, not yours. Hard to help when he’s cut you off, so he can marinate in his own self-pity.
I’d give it time. He may grow out of this awkward stage.
Ah yes, the old ‘blame it on mom to make me feel better ‘ attitude. Give him a couple of years and hopefully he will get some common sense. But please do not buy into his thinking. If he has made some bad decisions then he will have to live with the consequences.
Your son is a grown man, and therefore responsible for his own actions. If things haven’t turned out as he’s planned, it was as a result of those actions. If he doesn’t like where he is in life, he has the power to change it, You are not to blame. Granted, he will always be your child, but he ‘s an adult. He should act like one and not make you a scapegoat for his woes.
I’ve got the same problem with my son. He is living for free in our house, while we rent in another state due to work, and my son and his wife treat me so disrespectfully it really hurts…my new husband thinks he’ll always be this way. Son won’t return calls, or emails without making me feel like I’m such a pain. I think he needs medication for depression or something, so how do I tell him to seek help?
Not knowing the specifics of your son’s life I can’t really comment on his behavior.Hopefully he’s healthy and safe. Here’s my son’s story.
When he was 26 his father and I divorced (Dad found a new woman). My son felt that he had become the “man of the family” – me, his sister, and his recently widowed grandmother. Though I assured him I was still in control and didn’t need him to be the “man,” he wasn’t convinced. Eventually though the pain got to him and he said he needed space and also did the blame game. It is now four years later. For the last year of so our relationship has improved and just this last Father’s Day he and his dad seem to be moving onward as well.
Here’s my theory.I’m not 100% sure it had anything to do with the divorce, his grandfather’s death or any particular circumstance.
In history and literature there is the archetype of the “quest.” Young men left on sailing ships for years at a time before coming home to marry and become stalwart members of society. Jesus wandered for 30 years in the desert. In some ways our sons need to break away totally and completely in order to become the men they want to be. It hurts and hurts and hurts us. But I have to tell you, that as my son and I have reestablished and renegotiated I know that he is coming back through his own choice.
Thanks so much for this reply! I keep praying for my son constantly…It’s hard, but life isn’t a rose garden for sure and wasn’t meant to be.
Believe me, you are not alone. For 10 years I strived to maintain a relationship with 2 adult children and their families. I was never invited to celebrations, i.e., birthdays, holidays, etc. The more I tried (like making appointments to visit) the more difficult they made it. I finally had to step away – after much therapy. Essentially they were “shunning” -which is psychological abuse. Therapist has encouraged me to start a “support group” as so many Moms are hurting. n It is hard to talk about because of the fear of others “judging” you – and you’ve probably judged yourself. It is hard to move on after giving 20-30 yrs raising/loving the children, but the balls in their court – do not be disrespected!
After discovering hubby’s affair and subsequent continuation of that affair, I filed for divorce after 24 years of marriage. My son (21) and his dad share a large rented farm. I moved into a condo. My son decided he “doesn’t want to continue a relationship with me” and has not spoken to me for 8 months, nor will he return texts, calls, etc. I feel shredded by the betrayal of my husband and saddened by missing my son. BUT I refuse to allow their bad choices to steal my joy.. or at least I remind myself of that mantra daily
here’s hoping they “grow the heck up” and SOON!
I found the most amazing book while on vacation this summer. ”How to Hug a Porcupine: Dealing with Toxic and Difficult to Love Personalities” by Dr. John Lewis Lund.
I originally bought it because my 17 y.o. daughter treats me despicably, despite a stable and privileged upbringing. However, ALL my children have been toxic at one time or another, and some still are. I know I have my issues, and have spent a lifetime trying to smooth out my rough edges. I was raised by an extremely toxic mom who had a big impact on me and my siblings.
ALL my children have blamed me for just about everything. I used to believe it. I used to agonize. Even therapists and school counselors LOVE to turn to Mom for why the children are ADHD, depressed, not achieving up to potential, etc. etc.
After years and much soul searching, I have come to the conclusion I HAVE NOT DONE ANYTHING WRONG. I raised all my children (5) to the best of my ability. I have loved them, served them, and made them #1 in my life. It is WRONG and disrespectful of my children to put me down and make rude remarks.
Hence, the book. I LOVE the list on p. 7-9 of “Other Examples of Toxic Behaviors and Attitudes”. 54 items!!! I look forward to learning how to deal with my 5 “porcupines”.
I know this is going to sound arrogant – but; lucky you! Yes, you are lucky! Lucky to have time for yourelf without an anchor around your neck. Focus totally on youself and get involved with outside interests. He will come around when he is ready and hopefully more mature. Let him have his needed space at this time – children in their own space eventually have to grow-up.