This month has been the most difficult month I have experienced in a while. I am so depressed and don’t seem to know why exactly. So, today, Sunday I wrote a list of what I was doing 10 years ago when I wasn’t depressed. Didn’t have time to be depressed I guess.
Here is a short version:
Worked at an office with lots of people. Had coffee with my Dad every Friday evening. Went to parent meetings every week with other parents to deal with my acting out teen. Drove my younger two to two soccer practices a week and two games on the weekend in which I drove back and forth trying to watch two games at once. Lived in a townhouse complex with lots of people around. Was a volunteer at school. Went to school meetings and sports games at school. Talked and connected with other parents as we watched the game. Went to movies with my kids, helped them with homework, enjoyed making them dinner etc. etc.
Now, my Dad has passed away so no more Friday night visits.
Kids are all out of school so no more sports games to watch, no movies to go to and watch with them. Kids don’t watch any movies with me at all. They are on the computer or out with friends. I work at home with no people around. I live in a house where I don’t know or talk to my neighbors. When kids are small you meet the neighbors who have kids. Not so anymore. I am alone all day as I work from home. I rarely see my kids as they both work and are rarely home. My eldest son lives far away on a job. I only see friends about twice a month for coffee. I’m alone everynight including the weekends in a big empty house. I have managed to get myself to the YMCA at least 4 times a week and go swimming, but go by myself so I am getting really lonely.
Oh ya, I am very single and have been since 1996.
Any suggestions from those who have been there. I get that I have way too much time on my hands. Much too much time spent alone.
Oh my gosh! I felt your inner pain ... and I apologize for the fact that when I got to the part about setting your hair on fire, I laughed. I'm so glad you weren't hurt, and hair grows back. Perhaps a new hair-do would not only rectify the situation 
There is no such thing as a legal separation in my state..The only way I can get husband out of the house is to force him out..He refuses to leave..I would have to file for divorce and get temporary orders including a restraining order..
I feel so
doggiediva - I live in Florida which is a no fault divorce state. Everything that was accumulated during a marriage has to be divvied up 50/50. Unfortunately, he has nothing but the house to offer you. Because of your health situation he may not be e
I should have read through the many posts as I guess this has been covered in many ways. The Empty Nest Syndrome, that must be what I’m going through even though two of my three kids are still at home. They sometimes sleep here but most of the time I don’t see them only to come and go. I will keep reading, lots of great info here.
Take action to change your circumstances.
I could say the same thing about my life: My kids are grown, my father passed away two months ago, my mother lives 1,500 miles away and I work at home as a writer.
You have to make a deliberate decision to change your life circumstances. Since you work at home, then do something every day that gets you out of the house……go for a walk, join a gym, volunteer at a hospital, a school, a church, wherever…..just make a decision.
Get involved in social situations where you can make a friend who can now go to movies with you. Take a college class to meet new people. Try to meet your neighbors.
We can’t expect our lives to remain the same for decades upon decades. What did you do BEFORE you had children? Did you sit around and talk about how boring and depressing your life was because you didn’t have children?
Parenting young children is but “for a time” and then we have to move past those years and develop a new set of life responsibilities.
It’s your life. You absolutely can change it if you want to.
Magnolia
Just because your children aren’t at school doesn’t mean you can’t volunteer. Lots of schools NEED volunteers, and lots of children these days need “surrogate grandparents.” Volunteering is a great way to bring meaning and connection back into your life.
If the depression continues, please see your doctor. Many of us need help with depression. Find an exercise class with other people. Zumba, yoga, or Jazzercise. Something that is not solitary. The exercise will lift your mood and you will meet and be around other people. I have dealt with depression myself and I know how hard it can be. Doing the things you need to do for yourself is difficult when you are down that is why I suggest you speak with your doctor as a first step. Take care and let us know how you are doing.
Thank you. I suffer from depression and have done most of my life. I am on medication but it doesn’t seem to be doing it at the moment. I don’t think I need new medication, just to get out there and follow the advice of people here. There are so many things I could be doing.
The only problem is the depression keeps me stuck. I can’t seem to move forward and make the changes that will make a difference in my life. I sit at home every night by myself and think about what I need to do, just can’t seem to do it. The more I stay home, the more I isolate myself.
Tomorrow night I have signed up to go to a choir practice. This is a really great group of positive people. They sing to provide funds for people in need, it’s a great organization. I hope I can push myself to go to the audition. Well actually all are invited, you don’t have to be the best. I figure music is very positive and helping others is something I like to be involved with. Helping others helps you forget about your problems and at the same time make a difference.
But, I am in isolation mode big time, rarely leave the house as I work from home, It’s getting worse. I will just push myself to go and hope I manage to get out tomorrow night. I get anxiety about it once I get to this point, it’s scary as it can turn so quickly to me not wanting to be around people which is exactly what I need.
Anyway, thanks for all the feedback.
Hi Kate,
How did the choir practice go last evening. I hope it went well and I’m very interested in hearing all about it. I too have suffered with depression and have dealt with it most of my life as well. Medications haven’t worked and I am not anxious to try that route again. I recently bought a light therapy lamp that I use for 30 min. every morning. I have noticed some small positive signs that I am definitely now on the road to recovery. But I am also very lonely. I am retired at almost 52 and home with my husband. I miss female companionship. I meet with friends for dinner every 6 – 8 weeks. We take turns hosting, but I find that this is not enough. I too need something else to spice up my life and make me feel alive.
I am interested in hearing how last night went for you. It sounds like fun! Although between you and me, I cannot sing a decent note… I wish you only the very best and I hope sincerely that this will be the key catalyst for you in getting your life back on track filled with joy and most of all happiness. It is so hard, as you say, to get yourself motivated when you are struggling just to not fall.
Big Hugs!
I went to the doctor about three weeks ago because I was feeling so tired that i didn’t even get the boost I was use to after exercise. I had her run a full battery of tests to make sure there wasn’t something physically wrong with me. You see, my husband has Multiple Myeloma which is a type of blood cancer that cannot be cured. This man is my heart, and though he feels well now and is very near remission it is never far from my mind that someday this disease will take him from me. Anyway, long story short, I am physically fine but my doctor increased the dosage of my antidepressant . I feel so much better now. Take care.
Did you ladies know that low estrogen levels can also cause depression? Did you also know that estrogen and serotonin are in direct correlation with each other?
That means, when estrogen goes up, so does serotonin. When estrogen goes down, so does serotonin. Serotonin is the brain chemical targeted by antidepressants.
Plus, serotonin also helps your ovaries produce estrogen. Starting to make sense now? Women in menopause suffer with depression a lot because of low estrogen/serotonin levels.
Just thought I would throw that out there.
Magnolia
Magnolia, I did not know that about estrogen. Wow. Since mine is artificially suppressed there is hope that when I stop taking the Aromasin my depression will lessen. Except I will still be post menopausal won’t I? You seem to be quite well versed in the subject. What do you know about bio-identical creams? I’ve been interested in them for both vaginal health and skin care. It is so difficult to separate fact from fiction. Any help would be appreciated.
I write about women’s health issues, Hawk Lady, and especially about perimenopause and menopause.
I work with a lot of medical health professionals and write for medical websites. So, I spend a lot of time reading medical books, medical studies and reading medical websites.
I know quite a bit about bioidentical hormones. Many physicians and healthcare providers prescribe bioidentical estrogen to help with depression based on what I said in my previous comment.
I personally use bioidentical testosterone, which is a substrate for estrogen. Which means that our body manufactures estrogen as testosterone as a base, for lack of a better explanation.
There is and probably always will be continued debate about the safety of estrogen in menopausal and post-menopausal women. personally, I’m all about trying to maintain levels that keep certain symptoms at bay, such as osteoporosis, heart disease, depression and vaginal atrophy, just to name a few that happens when we have little to no estrogen in our bodies.
It is true that synthetic estrogens were deemed dangerous and unhealthy, so says the Women’s Health Initiative study, but it should be pointed out it was the combination of estrogen with the synthetic progesterone called “progestin” that caused the problems for the women in the study.
I would highly recommend that you educate yourself on the benefits of estrogen therapy along with all of the risks and then find a good doctor who is holistic in his/her approach.
Just taking hormones is not the answer. It is hormones (if you decide to use them) along with the right kind of foods and exercise (what we all know to be true but so often don’t pay enough attention to it)
Magnolia
Magnolia,
Thank you for this info Magnolia. I’ve printed off your recent comment and will definitely present this to my doctor when I have technically reached Menopausal status. Currently I am faithfully getting my period every month without fail. But I know my estrogen levels have decreased, as I have had this confirmed in a blood test last year. Can you suggest any medical websites or medical info that would provide me with accurate answers regarding Menopause and Peri-Menopause. There is so much misinformation out there and sometimes it’s hard to weed out the crap from the good!
I would certainly appreciate any feedback from you on this subject as you obviously seem to be very well-informed.
Thank you.
About 2 years ago, when I was feeling pretty alone (my kids are in HS or college), I decided to try something new and go by myself to a Contra dance group. Well, I am still going every week and it has been wonderful! There is always live music, many friends and great exercise. Since I volunteer each time, I get to know everyone and it doesn’t cost me anything. This week we sang Happy Birthday to one of our regulars – a great dancer who turned 80!
Time is depressions biggest enabler to a lot of women.
And also a double edged sword, because after living half a century, raising kids to adulthood, getting out of an emotionally toxic marriage and truly HAVING the time to do nothing…my mind tends to work OVERTIME and I dwell on the depressing things, too. Time is a *fickle biatch*
It certainly is for me, and weekends, though I can’t seem to wait for them to come, are the worst.
I don’t think the Empty Nest Syndrome is the full culprit as much as the *Finally Full Womanhood* syndrome is. When we are so busy being someones daughter, someones wife, someones mother, someones…everything…and are faced with being women in our own souls, it’s tough. We look back or sideways into all the things we have always done for everyone else, or played the life roles for everyone else, facing what to actually do with ourselves sans guilt or fear or anxiety and regret maybe, it’s quite the baggage.
Writing about it sure helps get it out.
Wow, glad I checked back, lots of great info here. I did enjoy the choir and have no idea how good my voice is. The good thing is that all are welcome. There are about 300 in the choir I joined. They have a couple of very well attended concerts and the money goes to a village in Africa. So I am singing to help others, what a plus. I did learn from going that singing actually helps you get your emotions out. I stuff mine which is part of my problem. My younger self would think this choir is kind of corny but I just push through that. I am with other people and together we all make ourselves feel better. And we sound wonderful in harmony. It’s a win win.
Also, I go swimming almost every night. This has been amazing. I used to drag myself to the gym as I know exercise helps depression but I didn’t like going. Felt good after but would always put it off. Now, I love to go to the pool. I was just floating around at first but now I do laps. Got a bathing cap and goggles and swim lengths and am getting quite serious about challenging myself. I have rediscovered my love for swimming.
I can get really down to the point of feeling so hopeless and this scares me but it doesn’t last long, maybe a week or two. The voice in my head tells me I have to change something. As the saying goes if you keep doing the same thing and expect different results…..definition of insanity.
I push myself however slowly to do something else. Going to the choir was a big step. The entire night before going I kept saying to myself, no I don’t want to go, yes go, no I think I will stay home, no go. This went on for an hour and I went. Good decision.
Wonderful news, Kate! Good for you for continuing to ‘push though’ and giving yourself credit for doing so. Last year I rejoined a choir ‘just to get out’ and recently found myself actually volunteering to be the director for this choir! I had comprehensive musical training over 50 years ago but never, ever dreamed I’d be doing something like this, especially not that I’ve retired. I love it!
I am so happy to read you’re really getting into swimming again. a big shout out for you from me: YES!!! I have a major physical disability which keeps me from participating in a number of sports activities I enjoyed in the past but I push myself to get the ‘juicing flowing’ in what I can do and giving myself credit for those positive strides.
Depression is my ‘evil twin’ and has been all of my adult life. I also had thyroid CA and take a natural thyroid supplement for it otherwise I’m dragging myself around and really prefer to isolate. So when menopause hit with a fury I crawled into my health providers office to explore ways of getting this mess under control. I opted for a natural HRT replacement, compounded Rx through my local druggist. I kept a daily diary of my activities and such for six weeks to allow the HRT and my then current depression and thyroid meds to interact. I went back in to my health care office for a little check up. So along with some blood work my diary entries were reviewed then adjustments were made to my depression and thyroid meds. I kept the diary for another three months to take for another follow-up appointment. A little tweaking was done and at the six month check up it appeared the right combo was working for me. This processed really worked for me.
Keep us posted as to how you are doing. Also, many thanks to those ladies who also provided responses to your VN post as I have gleaned some great information and insight. Also, it is so good to know I’m not alone in this transitory time in the ‘Meanopaws Sagas.’
Hugs to all!