Late last year, a dear friend of mine discovered her husband was having an affair with a woman who lived thousands of miles away from their home, someone from the past that he had connected with via Facebook. Naturally, my friend’s immediate response to the painful discovery was to tell him to get out and that she was filing for divorce. He did not want to move out, nor did he want a divorce. But she could not even bear to listen to him because she was so angry and hurt.
He moved in with relatives and she made an appointment with a psychologist and an attorney. When she visited the attorney’s office a few days later, she had a panic attack and simply could not get out of her car. She grabbed her cell phone and called her husband. Together they cried into their phones, their overwhelming grief limiting their ability to talk. Finally, her husband spoke and asked her not to file for divorce yet. He begged her to give him another chance and offered to do whatever it would take for her to reconsider ending the marriage. He said the affair was now over. And so, she agreed to let him do the work to try and save their marriage. And she knew she would have to work on it as well.
The two of them spent months in counseling, first individually with different therapists and later with a single couples’ therapist. They rediscovered what they loved about each other. They read a book titled “How We Love” and learned what had triggered the dysfunction in their relationship that ultimately caused the rupture tearing them apart. A few months later, after he got a new job, they moved back in together, this time to a new home – a place without sadness. During the summer, they welcomed the healing of relationships with their friends and family.
Although my friend knew she would never have to take responsibility for her husband’s betrayal, she realized what she had done to help drive him away from her. Today, they both agree their relationship is stronger than it has ever been. They not only listen differently to one another but they offer deep comfort when the other is feeling down. Recently they were “discharged” from counseling and celebrated by taking a splendid vacation. Both work full-time and spend as many free hours as possible with their beloved grandchildren. This year, they plan to enjoy the holiday season without regret, a vastly different space than they were in a year ago.
A long-term marriage that suffers a breach can indeed be saved and reinvented if both spouses are open to such a conclusion and the hard work it takes to get there. I know because my “dear friend” is me.
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Sounds very interesting.
Spike, you are awesome! Love your perspective, thanks for sharing.
I just can’t swallow the notion that you “drove your husband” into the arms of another woman.
I am in a very unhappy marriage. We are about to separate. The marriage broke down years ago. Completely. In every sense of the word. I have been lonely and celibate (not my choice) in my marriage.
On the one hand, i could easily justify an affair. Some people wouldn’t blame me one bit. But, at the end of the day, it is adultery and I just won’t do it.
Your husband responded the way he responded. He could have just as easily NOT responded by way of an affair.
But, I am very glad to read your marriage healed. Divorce is heart-breaking. anytime a couple can avoid it, it’s something to rejoice over.
Congratulations.
Magnolia – Congratulations for choosing the moral high ground and not having an affair for the sake of not committing adultery. I applaud you. Very rare these days!!!
Wow, it’s so scary how so many of us have similiar stories! Although my husband did not connect via facebook, I did find out about a long ago indiscretion because she tried to contact him via facebook. By the way, he did respond to her until I nipped it in the bud. He told me the truth about what happened 17 years ago and just like your friend, he vowed that he wanted our marriage and me and nothing like this would ever happen again! I will say, we have been very happy and he has been the “model” husband since I found this out. My problem is I, nor he, never went to counseling. I just sucked it up and tried to forget! But any of you who have had this happen to you know that there are what I call “flashbacks” and pictures in my head that I can’t seem to get out no matter how hard I try. My question is “should I have gone into counseling for my own peace of mind?” I guess my first reaction is to just what I call compartmentalize it in my brain and not go there; unfortunately from time to time, I do! What really is the best thing to do? By the way, I love this man with all my heart.
My idea of the best thing to do, now, is to go to counseling. You’re still dealing with the same thing years later and it’s never too late to get some help to end the “flashbacks.” ♥
I agree that you can not only “reinvent” a marriage, but you can actually make it stronger. An affair can be one heck of a wake-up call. Your immediate reaction is one that many have and then stick by it. I’m glad that you listened to what you really wanted and that it worked out for you. I think that when two people really do love each other, and both are willing to work to fix the problems in the marriage, more marriages could be saved. ♥
Reinvent, re-energize, we do it for ourselves, we re-purpose our furniture and and homes per the DIY network, what is more important than a relationship? Of course it takes two for this project, but speaking for myself, taking the time to look at what is good and what needs to be re energized and being honest about that certainly can be less emotionally devastating than a divorce, albeit a scary road to start down. I did that 2 years ago. I know that my husband was shocked that I would be so bold as to say that we needed to take charge of our relationship and fix what was not working. And he required a giant nudge. Several months of counseling, learning to let each other into our day to day lives and really talk, and my marriage is better than it has ever been. I have to wonder why, we do this so easily at the beginning of a relationship and have to really make a commitment to do so later down the road. Perhaps that ever present, irrational need to be right?
I am happy to be a part of this discussion. In counseling, I made a commitment to my husband and myself that I would not publicly rehash everything that happened to us. That being said, he knows I wrote this blog entry because I would not have posted if he felt bad. Our debacle was sparked by many individual issues – job loss, financial pressures, selling a treasured home and moving into a rental, caring for elderly parents and seeing them through death, health challenges, even the death of a beloved dog. All of that created a perfect storm for our marriage. I was blind to my husband’s unhappiness, partly because I was focused on so many other things. And we were NOT celibate. We still said “I love you” at least once a day, even though it felt a bit hollow then.
As an author of a caregiver “self help” book, once I discovered the affair, I knew I had to go to counseling. That betrayal was just as horrible as the death of my first husband and I was devastated. A few months later, I chose to stay in counseling because I wanted to have some tools to deal with those days when I lapsed into thinking about what had happened. Counseling has been a great gift for both me and my husband. We highly recommend the book, “How We Love.” There’s a workbook too. But mostly we recommend seeking support from a good therapist, first and foremost for YOURSELF and then if necessary, for both of you. And we do that only for those who express a deep desire to stay together and rebuild their relationship, as we wanted to do.
Divorce is not the only option, although in some cases it is the best one. For me, it was better to forgive, remember and move ahead with my husband, one of the great loves of my life.
Shannon- I am so happy you and your husband re-discovered each other, despite his infidelity. It would be very hard to forgive such a thing, and I admire you very much for getting thru this. Regarding reinventing our marriages – I have been married 24 years to my second husband, a wonderful man, however there HAVE been periods of complete boredom on my part, wanting to leave, being frustrated as heck at him for his inability to parent the way I want him to, etc. But these times passed. I got thru them. I usually did something to change MY life.
After 24 years we have learned we must communicate about ALL subjects to get along. We need to make sure the other person is happy in all categories, for the peace of our marriage.
Here is something helpful I discovered several years ago, and which I now keep displayed in my office, in regards to re-invention:
“Everyone gets stuck sometimes, but staying stuck is optional.
Here are 5 ways to jar yourself loose.
1. Change the scenery.
2. Create a distraction free zone.
3. Seek help and listen.
4. Create a new vision.
5. Be accountable to a few people whom you trust.
Fear of failure is what holds people back.”
In essence, this is what you and your husband did to save and reinvent your marriage. I applaud you.
Shannon, I think you are an excellent writer and an excellent liver of life. Best to you two!
I think our former first lady of California might have read your blog!
Hi Shannon, I am so proud of you and your journey and so thrilled that you’ve had a happy ending. May you enjoy many more years of a solid marriage in which you can both celebrate who you are. I applaud your courage to talk about it. Lots of love, Margaret
Back in the summer of 2005, I determined that we were coming undone and that we needed counseling. He went reluctantly and considered it all a waste of time. He didn’t have a problem with how things were and couldn’t understand why I was unhappy with the life we had together. He held that position and was shocked, absolutely shocked, when I had the “straw that broke the camel’s back” moment and moved out four months later. Our divorce was final 14 months after we’d started counseling, which we only did three months.
The point is, if both are resolved to make changes and re-connect in the marriage, it is likely to be saved. If both don’t buy in, no matter how good the counselor might be, the marriage will either end or continue in abject misery.
@CBW – Totally agree that both must be committed to the changes and reconnection. Life’s too short for “abject misery!” Thanks!