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Can old lovers remain good friends Hot Conversation

My boyfriend insists he can remain best friends with his old girlfriend. We are both in our 50′s and in a long distance relationship. He works in a job where he travels to the office where she is a secretary in the office he frequents every other week. When he goes there, he takes her to lunch and also gives her a donut when he arrives on the premises that she is helpful in assisting him on the job. She visits with him the entire time he is there going through files. I have voiced my displeasure about this relationship the two years we have been committed in our relationship, but he says I shouldn’t be threatened by their “friendship”. He offers her parenting, money, and relationship advice and they discuss industry gossip. She also calls him all the time throughout the weeks to discuss the same topics. I have severed all previous relationships with my ex-husband and prior two intimate relationships. He also does not communicate with his two ex-wives but does stay connected with this ex-girlfriend and other ex-girlfriend. 

This woman has made it very clear that she wants him back. She said they could get together and I wouldn’t have to know about it. Sometimes he will tell me about their conversations and other times, I ask, and then he will offer information. I have asked for total disclosure, and he said, “No problem.” However, he seems to not always tell me because I become so upset about the level of discussion they go into — her sex life with her boyfriends. I don’t think that is appropriate. 

Does anyone else have this situation troubling them or can anyone help me feel better about this?

Posted in family & relationships, love & sex.

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21 Responses

  1. maria50 maria50 says

    You might be in a committed relationship with your boyfriend but he is not in one with you. If he were committed to you, your feelings would take precidence over his ONGOING relationship with his ex. I f I were you I would not put my heart and soul into a future with this guy. Just be happy with yourself and know in the back of your mind that this “committed” relationship you have going is not all that you think it is(or would like for it to be).

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    • Shondelle Shondelle says

      Thanks for your reply. I know that a part of his heart will never be mine if he will not give her up even as a platonic friend. I am making an effort to trust him. My marriage of 28 years ended because my husband cheated on me. So trust is difficult for me. I really want to trust my boyfriend, and up until now, I have had no reason not to. For that reason, I have asked that the three of us go to dinner or we women to go to lunch and get to know each other so that I can see what she is all about and get to know her heart now where he is concerned. When he was adamant that I could not and that we would not be going out for dinner, I realized something was array or perhaps they are hiding something. I know this is over-the-edge, but I want to go to her workplace and she what looks like. His description is that she is a 5 out of 10, overweight, and manly of a sort. 

       

      Anyway, Maria50, thanks for your words of advice. 

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      • maria50 maria50 says

        Shondelle, wake up sweetie. I don’t mean to be so blunt, but he is hiding an affair from you. Or trying to. And you are buying right into it. If you are forbidden from being friends with his FRIEND, then they are having an affair. They are not just friends. Don’t be so naive. If you are wanting a future with this man, Then WANTING is all it is going to be. HE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR!!!!!! Wake up.. I have been there. You know what I did? Without him knowing, I went to her house when I knew she was going to be there and I just talked to her. I was not confrontational. After all, she did not promise to be faithful to me. HE did. She was not unfaithful to me. HE was. I was very comfortable talking to her and found that she was a good person and that she really loved my husband. We both agreed that my husband was having the time of his life having 2 women falling all over him. I realized that she was not the enemy, HE was. I say lose the man and create a comradery with this woman. You will be surprised at the different view that your eyes will see. I didn’t say this is easy, but it sure will gie you an ahuh moment. Keep me posted Shondelle. My thoughts are with you.

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  2. Dallas Lady Dallas Lady says

    Oh my.  The core question of your post….and then your details…..dont match.

    Can you remain friends with ex’s?  The answer is yes, but if it causes problems or compromises a marraige or committed, monogamous relationship then the friendship should be abandoned.

    Unfortuantley in your details, I read that your boyfriend is still emotionally involved with this woman, disrespecting your reltaionship by making himself available to her, giving her money, and that she is coming on to him.

    That makes either the so called friendship “unsustainable”…..or your relationship with him unsustainable. 

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    • Generic Image Adplus says

      You are so right!  I married my husband a year ago.  He told me about this woman he had dated for about a year and a half.  They had known each other for 30 years.  She was married to a member of his ex wife’s family.  There was no blood relationship, of course.  He told me his son was still very close with her.

      Well, I found pictures he had of her and him in very revealing posing.  He also still had nudes of her on his computer in his photo album.  I insisted that he take them off.  He has coversations on the phone with her all the time.  His conversations are not when I am around.  I find out about them because I pay all the bills in our household.  I always check his cell bills.  I have confronted him each time I have found them.

      He says I am jealous and need help.  I am not leaving because we have made some good investments over the ast year.  She is just going to have to live without him because I refuse to be treated this way.

      Hang in there.  Demand what you need.  Let us know how you are doing.

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  3. Jackie Brown Jackie Brown says

    We had a similar conversation several months ago: emotional affairs

    Your lover seems to have a penchant for long distant relationships, and he travels for business. Might there be a “friend” in every port? If I were you I would consider having a long talk with either or both of his ex-wives.

    He’s hiding his affair in plain sight.

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    • Shondelle Shondelle says

      Boyfriend and I both had a long discussion about emotional affairs, and, of course, he thinks it is a bunch of bunk. He doesn’t understand why people of the opposite sex just can’t be friends and why people have such a difficult time with that. 

      When I broached the subject of giving up the ex, he of course brings up the point that I should trust him. I do know that the secretary/ex girlfriend had several affairs before his and hers, and once they started their affair, he learned that about this from her, but didn’t stop their affair right then and there. But he maintains he used protection because she was fertile and wanted to protect himself. He is very phobic about diseases. More importantly, he states that now, he would never “go there” again because he knows she has been more “social” with so many more men he is more fearful of venereal diseases. 

      Her husband died during their affair. I wonder if he feels “connected” to her because of that. She called him first when she found her husband dead instead of calling the coroner or anyone else first. She also kept saying, “I killed him. I didn’t give him his medicine.” So, like I said, maybe he feels like she is codependent.  

      But, I don’t care. She needs a best “girl” friend, not my boyfriend and I told him that. I don’t like ultimatums. If absolutely necessary, they can be “friends” when he has to go to that office. She doesn’t have to call him all the time, send him “inappropriate” e-mail forwards, discuss her intimate relationships with new boyfriends, expect a free lunch every visit, etc. When he has to attend that office, they can cordially say hello, she can do what secretarial work is required, if no other secretary is available, and if there is something he needs to know – fine. But, I believe it needs to end there. 

      Yes, I do think I need to pay her a visit if I can’t resolve this issue with this great boyfriend who otherwise makes me feel terrific, special, and loved. 

      And, I will look at the upside of this. If we part, perhaps we too can be best friends. LOL??

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      • Jackie Brown Jackie Brown says

        LOL? Sorry to be blunt, but I don’t find any humor in your situation.

        You can do so much better, Shondelle. This man is not only destroying your self-esteem, but is endangering your health. Open your eyes: he is having sex with her and possibly with others. He is a liar. You have no way of monitoring his behavior, so you will never know what actually goes on in and out of the office during his trips there, and that uncertainty will drive you crazy. Assume the worst.

        Play it safe, in more ways than one, and go into year 2010 with a fresh start. Tell him goodbye and find someone who will love and protect you in the monogamous relationship you desire and deserve. He is worthy of neither your love nor your friendship.

        I never suggested you pay her a visit, and I don’t see what good that would do; he is, after all, a single man. If you were to talk with anyone, it should be either or both of his ex-wives. Your belief that he is a “great boyfriend who otherwise makes me feel terrific, special and loved” needs to be examined.

        Please take care of (and love) yourself.

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  4. Generic Image smartsize says

    Yes

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  5. Generic Image spiritseeker says

    Oh, Shondelle. I know you want so much to trust in this guy, but you can’t. You mustn’t. It’s obvious that he’s not committed to you. Time to move on.

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  6. Generic Image MusicalMom says

    Wow – sounds to me like he still doesn’t know what he wants in his 50′s.  That, or he knows EXACTLY what he wants, which is to have his cake and eat it too, and his pie, and his “tarts”. 

    There is a point of being on speaking terms, but I’d have to wonder why she is an ex in the first place, if he is so connected with her. As you pointed out, you don’t have relationships with your ex’s. Unless there are kids involved, that is normal.

    Sounds to me like it is time to move on. You’re getting fed a lot of old standby lines “trust me”, etc etc etc, but he is not doing a darned thing to assuage YOUR concerns.  Sounds like he likes you, but doesn’t love you, or at least not enough to put you first.  You mention a “two year committed relationship”, but it is only you that is committed – he is not! 

    You don’t have to settle.  Being alone is better than being with a goober! 
    Time to cut the emotional (or sexual) ties and find yourself someone who thinks YOU are the one to spend all his time, love and energies on (and bring you a donut too!).  This guy might be nice, but he is not a bargain by any means…  I’d leave him to his ex collection, and become one more notch on his “ex” belt.  Better to be an ex-whatever than be together in person, always feeling hurt or wondering, and being patted on the head, being told to hush now and just trust me.  (Isn’t that what our president is doing too?  I don’t like that from him either!)

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  7. Generic Image Yellowrose says

    Don’t bother going and checking this woman out, Will you believe him if she isn’t pretty or manish???

    She is someone who he has a relationship with and is not respecting your wishes with… enough said.

    Love you, you now that he is not someone you can trust! I understand you WANTING to trust him since your past includes cheating, BUT you say he doesn’t tell you because you get upset… You have a right to be upset!

    Give your TRUST to someone who truly deserves it! Good luck with resolving the pain this is obvoiusly causing you.

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  8. JoanPrice JoanPrice says

    Two of my best friends are men who were once my lovers. I have a strong, Platonic friendship with both of them now, as I do with my first husband. When I married Robert, he was nervous about my continuing friendship with the most recent of these men, but he trusted that I would be faithful to him (which I was) and he made an effort to get to know my friends and understand what qualities we liked in each other. That was such a gift to me.

    If a man asked me to sever my friendship with these wonderful men, I would not — they are my *friends* and I love them as friends.

    However, it doesn’t look like your situation is the same, because this other women is after your boyfriend. That’s dangerous, particularly since you’re in a long-distance relationship and she sees him frequently.

    Still, he’s either trustworthy or he’s not. It’s not the woman — it’s your boyfriend who is responsible for honoring your relationship. If you’re too upset to talk about it, then he will withhold details, even though he may be perfectly faithful.

    By the way, maybe it’s odd, but my guy friends and I talk about their sex lives with their lovers, so I don’t think that’s inappropriate necessarily. But, as I said, maybe I’m just odd. Being a writer about sex, talking about sex is never off limits in my friendships!

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    • Shondelle Shondelle says

      JoanPrice, thanks for your encouraging words. You see that she is after him — not him after her. He has reassured me about that. Also, the difference between you and me is that your husband, though nervous at first, has agreed to allow you to be friends with your ex’s because he made an effort to get to know your friends. Whereas, my boyfriend won’t allow me to meet his ex. And, I don’t get that. I want to meet her and thought that would help me be more understanding. 

      I am an instructor, and am getting a degree in psychology, so discussing sex is not taboo at all. However, my point in this is that I have asked him not to discuss such intimate details with her about her relationships. My particular reason for this is because he doesn’t discuss “us” with her. If he was telling her that we have great sex and I rock his world, then I would feel better about it. 

      I WANT to meet her, so perhaps I wouldn’t feel so intimidated about her. If I saw she was a 4 out of 10, I might feel better. If I had a chance to tell her that I intended to never let him go, maybe she would see her intentions to get him back were futile. She already told him that she doesn’t like me based on what information she got from him and from the looks of my picture — because I am so pretty. 

      I appreciate him giving me that feedback. I miss him so much when we aren’t together. Because of my past experience with my ex, I need reassurance and trust-building techniques. My boyfriend knows that but all he can say is that I must trust him.

      Again, thanks for your kind words. I needed to read them.

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      • JoanPrice JoanPrice says

        Thank you for your kind message — I was hoping I hadn’t overstepped. I see two different issues here: 1. You don’t really have the right to insist that he give up a Platonic friend; 2. She doesn’t want to be a Platonic friend, but his lover. #2 is the part that yells “danger!”

        I don’t understand why your boyfriend won’t let you meet his ex — it would diffuse the dangerous energy, I think. Not at the workplace, though — at a neutral location where you can sit together and chat.

        Yes, you would feel less intimidated, and she would recognize that you’re a real person in a loving relationship with the man she calls her friend. He would also get the chance to see you two interact. You would be gracious and delightful, reminding him of all the qualities he loves in you. She would be — who knows? At least you’d find out.

        -Joan  

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      • Florafauna1 Florafauna1 says

        I so agree with you Joan about #2 being the part that smells funny.

        This whole conversation is very compelling to me because my former husband and I have a close relationship that my boyfriend has questioned. My boyfriend lives out of town, and is very compassionate and kind. He would never demand I sever my friendship with my ex, but I struggle to explain how dear it is to me. My former husband has some health issues and I find myself still responding when he needs a back rub or a ride to the pharmacy. There is nothing sexual – I feel as though we have a sort of family connection. I don’t in fact have any other family except a daughter, so I still do somewhat care for him and more for his mother, my former mother-in-law, who is better to me than my own mother ever was.

        This conversation string has helped me realize that if there is nothing ‘fishy’ about my ties to my former husband, then everyone must have access to everyone. If a door is closed, there must be a satisfying reason why. I say satisfy yourself as to the reasons why your sweetheart has closed this door – either by meeting up with the woman or doing some investigation.

        Byron Katie might say it is his ‘business’ who he likes, and it is your ‘business’ who you like. With more information you may find you do or don’t like this guy so much. Love to hear what happens.

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      • JoanPrice JoanPrice says

        > I feel as though we have a sort of family connection.

        Exactly — that’s the best part of keeping a relationship with an ex, if the two people are mature and accept the new nature of that friendship. My first husband is “family” and he was one of the close friends I cried to for an hour on the phone after Robert died. 

        Likewise, Robert’s first wife came to our house two afternoons a week to tend Robert’s garden when Robert was sick, in order to take that responsibility off of me when I was coping with so much already. I’ll always be grateful to her for that, and we’re close still.

        - Joan

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      • JoanPrice JoanPrice says

        > I feel as though we have a sort of family connection.

        Exactly — that’s the best part of keeping a relationship with an ex, if the two people are mature and accept the new nature of that friendship. My first husband is “family” and he was one of the close friends I cried to for an hour on the phone after Robert died. 

        Likewise, Robert’s first wife came to our house two afternoons a week to tend Robert’s garden when Robert was sick, in order to take that responsibility off of me when I was coping with so much already. I’ll always be grateful to her for that, and we’re close still.

        - Joan

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      • JoanPrice JoanPrice says

        I don’t know why this comment posted twice….

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      • maria50 maria50 says

        Shondelle, you sound like you have insecurities about yourself. We all do to a certain extent. Even if she were a 9 out of 10, you should not be intimidated. And even if she understands that you will not give him up without a fight, she is still not going to see that her intentions are futile. Because they are NOT futile. Your husband is reasuring her of that. She already has your husband, for right now anyway. I’m telling you there is an affair going on here. Wake up. Your boyfriend can smell your insecurities a mile away. Why do you think it’s so easy for him to have two women falling all over him. You need to drop him like the bad habit that he is. I know it’s hard to start a new relationship or to be alone, but look at the alternative that is your life right now. Sorry to be so blunt. Good luck.

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  9. Generic Image Anniem says

    Shondelle,
    Take a step back and look at yourself as your best friend. What would you see?
    Just like that old favorite song, I have sung it so well many times myself, “…. Look to find a reason to believe”
    Good luck

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